Monday, March 23, 2015

After what I guess looked sort of like a meltdown on Thursday, I'm better. I think Thursdays are just super bad for me. They're a long day at the end of a long week. So maybe now that I recognize that, I can be better at handling them.

Things always look better on Mondays. I've got a probably long night ahead of me. Last night was long, too.

The Magpie has allergies on top of wicked sinus infection, which I think is worse than the last one, and tonsillitis on top of that. This last round of antibiotics, one to which she generally responds well has just done a number on her. Last night, she wouldn't go to sleep. Then she woke up at 3:30 this morning, which is extraordinarily unusual, as in NEVER happens, and it took her quite some time to settle down. That was rough. She hadn't settled down for her nap when I left to come to campus either. I think it's going to take some time for her to get used to the allergy medicine. And the antibiotics aren't agreeing with her at night time right now, so we're giving it to her a little sooner each day  (thankfully only two days left). But man, I feel for this kid. She is absolutely miserable.

Once I made the decision to let my focus be on my research this quarter and just do the necessary minimum to be effective and good at my job, I've felt much better. With the sick kid and a service obligation for the department this weekend and lack of sleep, I've not been able to get anything done since then, but knowing that that's the decision I've made has made me feel better. This stuff needs to get done, and get done soon. One article has got to be sent out before the quarter ends and the other one needs to be drafted. I can do this. I know I can.

So I must go teach now. And then my day is over from a work standpoint. I just hope this kid sleeps a bit better tonight. Poor baby.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

I teach here in about 5 minutes.

Sort of like last quarter, I just cannot make myself care about this quarter at all.

Am I burned out? Does my schedule actually suck and perhaps it's not the best schedule? But I don't want to teach five days a week. Ugh. These office hours are killing me. I know I complain about that a lot, but damn. I could get so much more done not here.

TRs are just so rushed and I'm never ready to go when I need to and there's so much going on and ugh. I need to actually get things together on MW nights so that TR mornings aren't so heinous.

I need a sabbatical in which to get my work done; however, nothing like that is granted in this department. Every three years I think we get a one course course release in the spring, but then we get stuck with an upper division class or two preps including a comp class, so it's not like quarter is made easier with the course release. And we've still got to have 6-7 office hours. And I don't know when I'm due for one.

I'm starting to stress out because I did not get the stuff I wanted to get finished before spring quarter started, so as usual, I feel like I'm starting already behind, and it has me stressed.

And it's time to teach. More later...

And I'm done with the first class.

I really wish I knew what my problem is. Maybe I just need some sort of reset. I just feel totally dissatisfied with just about every aspect of my life--the only exception is the hubs and kid. But right now, I don't know. I don't look forward to being on campus at all. I'm sure it's just a rut, but I need to get motivated.

I just don't want to do anything related to teaching right now. What I want to do is just focus on research and writing, and maybe that is what I just need to do. Teaching isn't going to get me tenure. Research will. Maybe that's the solution to just put the focus there.

Maybe I should make that promise to myself--I hate to phrase it this way, but perhaps I need to do the minimum to effectively teach so that I can focus on my work because perhaps my lack of motivation is over some concern about tenure and some stress about it, and what I cannot do is shut down and not get tenure. I want things in the pipeline so that next year isn't ten times worse than this year and I'm frantically trying to get something done.

All right, so I'll force myself to work right now so I don't have to worry about it. I just don't feel like going to teach again in an hour. But I just don't give a shit.

Nice attitude right?

I need summertime.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

This is little more than bitching and moaning.

Well, it's the start of a new quarter and I'm in a bad mood.


Argh. Perhaps it's the weather. I wish I could snap out of this.

I'm just feeling like super down. The J is leaving for two weeks. It's spring quarter which means the clock is ticking. Yesterday I was fine, but the long Thursday for some reason set me off.

Seriously, 10 fucking office hours a week for a quarter system with semester hour classes is just way too much. The idea, I heard, is to "force" us to do our research in our office to ensure we are researching 10 hours a week, and to make ourselves available to students during those "research" hours. Um, no, I'm not my most productive in my office or when I'm supposed to be meeting with students. So in order to have any time for anything outside of class and office hours, I have a schedule that has me here from 8-2 every day or I have super long days with one day off during the week which isn't used for research because I have to do things like go to the grocery and food prep while the kid is at daycare so I don't spend my entire weekend doing chores and working and not seeing the kid or the husband. As it is, I get up at five in the morning to do my research and when I can, I work at night. But when I work at night, that means I don't get to see the husband. It was annoying before the kid came along because I could still do things at odd hours like go to the grocery later in the day or something, do food prep at night or in an afternoon, or I could work out in the afternoon or read/work at odd times. But now, that kind of flexibility doesn't exist, and that is very stressful with 10 fucking office hours. Ten fucking office hours sandwiched in between 2 hour long classes. The people I know who get things done stay up until like 2 am and get up 20 minutes before they have to teach. I wish that were my option.

I know. I should be happy to have a t-t job. And I did say at the start of the year that I was working on reframing my attitude, but it's a morning like this morning that's rushed and rainy and I don't feel good and whatever that make me just hate the world. I seriously don't know how people do it.

And I'm feeling the pressure of being behind my own deadline. I was supposed to have that article written by this point and be started on the conference paper/article. And I am not.

Other things annoying me:
1) The house is a mess. A total fucking mess. I have no room for anything AND I'm basically a hoarder so I am having a serious problem getting rid of things. I think it's borderline clinical or pathological or something. I seriously have a very hard time getting rid of anything. It is nearly physically and mentally impossible for me to do so.
2) It's hard to clean around the amount of stuff that I have.
3) I am really fucking depressed and I am not entirely sure why.
4) Depression and lack of sleep (despite working out like I do) has led to some weight gain which further depresses me more.
5) Because I'm depressed and have gained weight, my body is achy and hurts and I know it's all related and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to fix it.
6) I'm about to go to class all pissy, and it's the first day, and I hate doing that.
7) I feel like I'm bitching a lot lately and I totally and completely hate myself for it.
8) I apparently am directing a lot of bad energy toward myself.
9) No matter how much I do, or what I do, I can't seem to keep up with anything.
10) Nothing's coming up Milhouse, and I'm pissed about it.

But I'll end on some positive things:
1) Magpie is amazing. In the last week she has decided that she LOVES daycare and can't wait to go to school everyday.
2) She has a few more new words.
3) I love her smile.
4) I love even more when she runs up to me and throws herself into me when I get home.

Blerg. Thanks for listening.