Breathe. I CAN do this.

Now that I've had almost a week to just be bitter and seething with anger, hatred, and just all over vile putredness for all parties involved, this is my seventh day in a row with a stomach ache, my sixth day in a row waking up with one. I have a giant knot under my shoulder blade and some back pain. And honestly, the Magpie has been punching and kicking the ever lovin $hit out of me for the last 24 hours.

I believe the time has come for me to shift my focus from this week and all of the real and imagined injustices of the world I have feel have been heaped on me this week and move on to self-care. My body forced me to do so a bit yesterday when totally and completely beyond my control and planning I just passed out on the couch. I had intended to take a break from work, and lunch upset my stomach (again), but my brain and my body had other things in mind. And it seems as if the Magpie is like, "Dammit woman! WTF do I have to do in here to get your attention?!"

After some major heartburn last night, and another day of horrible, lazy, convenient eating, and again, my sixth day of waking up with a stomachache, it's clear that the time has now come to let all of this go. What's done is done, and while I need to do my job, it's honestly not going to kill anyone or short change my students any more than they are going to be if some prep is sacrificed so that I can maintain the things that keep me sane. The world will not end if I'm mostly prepped rather than fully prepped. They will not care if this means they get out of class 10-15 minutes early nor will they sit back and say, "hey, we were really jipped out of our education here because she let us go early." Rather, what will be worse is if I'm totally ragged out and barely functioning and not able to do my job at all. Furthermore, the heightened stress isn't worth the risk of elevating my blood pressure and increasing my risk of preterm labor or pre-eclcampsia. And I don't need to be eating junk like pizza and fast food and not exercising because 30 more pounds of weight gain is going to hurt me, too.

Plus, I figure the best revenge, and the thing that is going to give me the most bargaining power later is to still get my shit done and shove it in everyone's faces because then if I get denied my course release again next year in favor of other male colleague "needing" his, I feel like this will give me even more ammo (besides the "how come you can find money in the budget to release the men from their courses, but not me??) because now it will look like lack of productivity is being rewarded rather than my productivity being rewarded. Now, whether or not this is actually true, please don't tell me otherwise, because this is the thing motivating me right now. Let me live in my delusion if it is one.

So this morning, rather than immediately beginning work upon waking, I am taking my time. Enjoying my coffee, blogging, waiting for my tummy to settle. I've had to cancel on seeing the grandparents until the end of April. I had a decent stress-release cry this morning already before the J left for drill, and I am determined, come hell or high water to get the food for the week prepped today so that I can have some good meals and won't be scrambling at the last minute because I feel for sure, knowing what I learned this summer, that my diet is most certainly making my stress and everything worse right now. And I've got more than just myself to think about right now.

I do have a lot on my plate today, but because we're not going to the grandparents', because I don't have to go grocery shopping (we have all this food from last week, most of it frozen that didn't get cooked then) except to get yogurt, and because I don't have to do any real laundry, all I need to do as far as my "chores" are concerned is prep the veggies for the week, I think I can get everything done today--read the poetry stuff for M & W. Tuesday's readings were done yesterday. Thursday I'm out of town. Friday is Easter break, and so is Monday, although next weekend is a wash because we'll be out of town and on the road Thursday and Sunday. Friday and Saturday are packed full of stuff. Anyway, read, write a letter of recommendation that my student has been patiently waiting for for over a week now. And get at least halfway through the thesis I need to read for Tuesday. So then Monday I can grade the stuff that's coming in (thankfully only one class!), finish the thesis, and try to begin next Tuesday's readings during my office hours if there's time. I plan to spend my time Tuesday morning working on my conference paper during my office hours. Then I have the thesis defense sometime Tuesday--no one has bothered to set a time because we're waiting on the dean. And then Wednesday morning I'll finish up whatever grading is leftover either from Monday or if anything comes in Tuesday. And then I'll just use next week's readings as my "bedtime" reading so I can keep trying to knock that out. We might get to Home City early enough on Thursday that I might be able to get in an hour of reading before bed, and maybe some reading Saturday morning.

I feel like, especially if I can get the food prepped, and carve out some time for my conference paper work, get up and work out MWF this week, that I can do this. I feel like I'm good at defeating the odds though. No one really thought I was getting into a Ph.D. program. I did. No one actually thought that I'd finish the diss (except Pixie Advisor and out of town advisors). I did. No one actually thought that I'd get any sort of job. I did. And no one thought that I'd get a better job than the one I had. I did. And since I'm also prone to feel that the world is against me, and that this is a challenge intended to weigh me down (look, I know how irrational that is--I don't actually believe there are forces conspiring against me), then I will persevere and not be beat down. I know the downside to this is that it shows that I'm competent and can do more, but at least now I can say, "no. I stepped up. I took a hit for the department already. And I did it very pregnant. It's someone else's turn. Give me my damn course release."

I know, I know. I feel like I've gone from one end of irrationality to the other, but at least one gets me to a place where I'm not sick and where I can take care of myself, do my job, and still get my work done.

AND I just got a CFP for a special topics issue of a journal that deals with some of the stuff that I'm working with in my conference paper, so I feel like this is the little glimmer of light and hope that the universe is giving me that's saying "let me help you kill two birds with one stone. You need one more article and for it to be well placed. The books all say to go for "special topics" issues as those generally have fewer submissions, therefore less competition. You just happen to be doing something similar you can tweak for the conference paper. You only have to work on one project right now until the baby gets here. This is your chance." Now, whether it gets accepted is a whole different animal; however, this is my best option right now at least for the path of least resistance. So I am feeling better about that. The deadline will be tight, but this is as important as anything else, right?

We'll see what's possible and how this plays out. But at least now I've gone from "I hate everything and everyone and my life is over for this quarter. I have no qualms about telling everyone to fuck off and don't care how that will affect my job. Fuck you all!!" to feeling that the biggest fuck you will actually be to succeed, still get my shit done (because sweet justice for me will be to make everyone else who can't get shit done without a course release look bad, and it's true, I'm passive aggressive like that). Whether that's actually positive or not or will actually help me (it will for tenure) remains to be seen. But right now, if I can pull all this shit off, then I will be a BAMF, and you all know how much I like being tough.

Plus, if I do pull this off, and get that article placed, then next year I'll have more time to enjoy the Magpie's first year, and I'll actually be able to focus on some CF training so I can compete next year, but first thing's first. Getting this stuff done.

If nothing else, at least I'm in a better place, ready to fight, rather than feeling beat down, shit upon, and hopeless. While it's true that I wanted an easy quarter to get shit done, it's also very true that I'm extremely competitive and I like to win, and that's how I have to view this right now. Eat right. Sleep well. Train hard. And then, then I won't have to put up with any bullshit from May 18th until December 4th.

I can do this.