My parents have been in for the last three weeks, which means yesterday was the first day I was on my own with the Magpie. Even though my parents drive me nuts, I was crying and missing them before they even got out the door. Also, I don't like that it's already been three weeks. I didn't like it when a week had passed. I want her to stay this small forever. I can't help it. I just want to hold her and keep her tiny forever.
The last couple of nights have been bad--lots of fussiness which is really unusual for her. But I know why. I'm so dumb. She was pretty fussy about two weeks ago after nights of really good sleeping. And then I had food with jalapenos. Poor girl. Didn't even think about that and her little digestive system. And then two nights ago my mom made this incredible cole slaw with pineapple and, you guessed it, jalapenos. Which I had leftovers of last night. Fussy fussy fussy! Poor baby girl! Already I feel like a failure of a parent (which, add that to the emotional rollercoaster of having to have an unplanned c-section, and well, some days I feel like I have just failed from the beginning).
Oh but when she stares into my eyes and smiles and makes her little baby barely giggle, my heart just freaking melts. And even though my shoulders are aching from holding her and nursing her, I just don't want to put her down!
I feel awful about the jalapenos though. I am on day 7 of a Whole 30, which I did to clean up my diet and help with the fussiness, and what do I do? I eat something that to me isn't spicy, but to this sweet little girl is just messing up her poor little system. Add to that guilt the tremendous guilt of getting frustrated with her when most of what's going awry is likely my fault. Sigh. I think the Red Rocket has sensed a disturbance in the force because when things are going well, he sleeps all curled up next to the J. I think the little dude senses that I'm a tad depressed and feeling guilty, so the last two nights he has been curled up next to me all night. The dogs have been really really good with her. And with us. And with all the people coming and going. The Divine Miss T is very protective and watches any person besides me or the J who holds the baby. It's very sweet. She escorts visitors around the house keeping a watchful eye.
There are two things so far about myself that have really surprised me. Well three. One is how much I love this. I obviously thought I would like being a parent, but I didn't realize how much I would *love* having a baby. The J says he's not shocked. I am totally floored by this discovery. And if he made more money, I'd quit my job and be a SAHM. Seriously.
Two: I miss being pregnant. As uncomfortable as I was, especially toward the end, I miss my big belly and all the movement and heartburn and everything else. This is the thing that makes me the saddest most days. That and the fact that three weeks have flown by. But I really really miss it. I think this has a lot to do with the physiological and psychological response to the "vaginal bypass" rather than the vaginal birth. Sure, I like being able to tie my shoes again and put on socks by myself, but I miss my round belly, and I wish I had tried harder to enjoy it more through the discomfort those last few weeks (although the asthma and upper respiratory infection and bruised ribs didn't help). Because I miss my belly so much, wearing maternity clothes, comfortable as they are, depresses me. For two weeks every time I opened my dresser I cried because I didn't need those shirts and stuff, and it was hard to put them away. I really had to force myself to do so. It surprised me how painful that was for me. So even though we don't have the extra money for it, I did buy "regular" clothes this week because I thought it might help with the healing process here. And it has. For Magpie's sake, I can't sit and wallow in this.
Three: I am surprisingly comfortable with how big I am. I mean, I gained 60 pounds during the pregnancy. Three times the "recommended" weight gain, though to no one's concern, so it wasn't unhealthy. 25 of that went the first 10 days. Part of the Whole 30 is to help with that, but I'm not bemoaning my current size. Because I found some cute clothes that fit and look good and that makes me feel better. And I think knowing that I'm the size I am is for reasons other than inactivity, poor lifestyle choices, and bad eating makes a HUGE difference as well. I am surprised at how good I feel about myself. I feel better on the days I can get out and walk, but for now, it's one day at a time. And I did miss having pants that button and have belt loops. And I do like that I'm starting to feel more "human" again, too. It sucks that I'm going to have to go back to school shopping in August for stuff to get me through Fall Quarter, especially since I spent all that money last fall on back to school clothes, but maybe by winter they'll fit. But oh well.
Okay, now I need to figure out how to take the baby with me and take the dogs out. Walking them with the stroller was not easy yesterday, so I'm giving one of the carriers a try today. We'll see. But I've got to figure that out.
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