The Magpie's test results came back negative, so yay, no surgery required for blockage or anything like that.
Something odd happened yesterday--with the forced fast and being starving, little girl had one of the best days she's ever had. In the absence of breastmilk and hypoallergenic (still milk protein based, although the proteins are broken down) formula, her skin cleared up--no eczema flares yesterday and no gas. This indicates to me that all of her problems are milk protein related and that it's time for the prescription formula. The doctor and the nurse said that it was very odd for babies to have good days with that kind of test. But it's so sad that the poor girl was happier with that stuff out of her system and starving than she is with a full belly. So we have begun the process of getting the prescription formula. It takes about a week, and there's a lot of paperwork apparently involved on the doctor's part in order to get the insurance company to pay for it. Both the J and I feel so strongly that it is the milk protein and that the hypoallergenic formula is not cutting it that we are willing to pay for two weeks worth of the formula (about $300) out of pocket to prove our point. I don't think the pediatrician is unwilling to go this route, for whatever reason, but I think she has a lot of hoops to jump through in order to get the insurance to cover it, which getting the insurance to cover it, even in part, makes it cheaper than the hypoallergenic non-prescription formula. And our insurance will ship it right to us.
If the prescription stuff doesn't bring her relief like it should, then we start allergy testing, which involves drawing more blood and doing it several times (she's too young for the skin test). But that is the last resort. According to the prescription formula website, Magpie more than meets the qualifications for being put on the formula and for having the insurance company reimburse us. She has GERD. She is gaining weight at half the rate she should, and it's decreasing in amount each week--we've gone from 30 grams to 28 to holding steady for a while at 23 to 21 to a plummet to 15grams a day. She went from gaining at least 10 oz a week to 5 oz a week to only 4 oz this past week. Not to mention the intense, painful gas pain. And I'm worried she's getting closer and closer to the "failure to thrive" category, just based on her weight issues. But even when the paperwork goes through, it will be at least a week before we get the formula.
The J and I have decided that if for whatever reason the doc insists she stays on her current formula, then I'm going to continue to nurse her as well. If she's going to be subjected to milk protein, then I'm not going to deny her the benefits and it doesn't make a difference, that the J and I can tell, in her gas issues and skin. And if we do get the prescription formula, I will continue to pump for the two weeks until we know where we are, and if the prescription formula "cures" her, then I will finally call it quits on the breastfeeding.
Even though I told the doc I was okay with quitting today, I'm totally not. I can't explain how much of a failure I feel. I couldn't get my baby out the right way and I can't feed her the right way. I feel like I've been robbed of something, and it's not fair at all. And that's all I say because I don't want to start crying in *$ right now.
So there's that.
I didn't meet my grading or reading goals yesterday. I'm depressed, sleep deprived, and because of the lack of sleep, I'm not letting myself go to CF because I'd rather not get injured lifting while tired and unrested. I've been taking walks, but it's not cutting it. So it's been a shitty week. And that means that I've got to spend a large part of tomorrow afternoon grading, which, in the words of Bartlby, "I'd prefer not to."
I've got to come up with some paper topics for the freshpeoples that I need to go over tomorrow. I've got to finish their readings for tomorrow. At least I'm giving them time in class on Monday, the whole class period, to work on those essays. So I can get some grading done then. I've got to try to get a handle on my schedule here.
I guess without further ado, I will get their paper topics done, and read for tomorrow. And maybe I'll try to get some grading done later. Sigh. I hope that soon I can redeem myself. Nothing has gone to plan since this time last year (except getting pregnant), but nothing is how it's supposed to be. And I've got to deal with that and work within the life I have right now. For now though, I'm glad that Magpie does not need surgery.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you feel robbed, and I would, too. But you did not fail. You did not fail. None of this is in any way your fault--it's just bad luck. As you know, of course--but it's so easy to blame our bodies for these things. Your body didn't do anything wrong, and you're a good mom. And work will sort itself out; it always does.
Also: It's hard to think this way, but in a couple of years at the outside, none of this will be a problem anymore. In all likelihood, it'll be resolved much sooner than that--but by the time she's, say, 3, she'll be eating like a champ and it'll all be okay. This is temporary. It sucks, but it's temporary.
(This is a version of what I tell myself when my 15-month-old still thinks that he needs to nurse three times a night, by the way.)