On the lack of fairness in life.

Well, I cannot wait until this quarter is over.

I am actually quite depressed right now as this entire year has really been about stops and starts and unfilled goals/dreams, and this last one has just really taken its toll.

A recap: I thought I had maternity leave for the fall. That didn't happen. I thought I had a great schedule for the spring and had writing that was doable and that I was working toward getting done. Saddled with an overload, so that didn't happen. The conference paper I was excited about and working on didn't happen as my flight got canceled and I got to the conference after my panel. My pregnancy ended in a c-section, which I'm still struggling with getting over. My attempts at breastfeeding have all been fraught with struggle, with stops and starts, extended periods of pumping. Allergy tests, restrictive diets, all of which has resulted in breastfeeding ending. I spent two months doing the Whole Life Challenge and the week before it ended, I got bit by a brown recluse and because of the gaping hole in my leg, I wasn't able to do the final work out and complete the challenge. So, like everything else this year, just about everything that I've been working toward and tried to accomplish has resulted in a total lack of closure. Not to mention the painful gaping hole in my leg which means I will not likely be able to workout again until the hole is closed up. Because of the pain medicine and antibiotics I'm on, I was looking at not only another ten days of pumping and dumping, but at least a week after that for the medicine to clear my system (this antibiotic causes diarrhea and other problems in babies, so I can't nurse while taking it, and if I want this damn thing to heal, I needed to take something stronger than what I was on that wouldn't have hurt her system--we were both on the same antibiotic at the same time for a brief period), so another almost 3 weeks of pumping was in my future, and I just couldn't do that again.

Not to mention how I feel about spending ten months trying to make a healthy baby and producing a child who has just had a consistently rough go at life with tests and stomach trouble and eczema and food sensitivities and medicine twice a day. Poor kid. I feel like I've failed her at every possible corner. She is improving, so finally we're headed in the right direction.

But this spider bite and not being able to finish the challenge really just sort of underscores the rest of the year and has me very down. Just about every night now I cry myself to sleep saying over and over, "It's not fair." It's not. I'm ready for break and the fresh start of a new quarter and Christmas and the new year.

Also, the muffins I brought to campus for breakfast were moldy. I didn't even get breakfast.