Birthday Blues

Generally my birthday is my favorite day of the year. And I have a big party, and it's lots of fun, but this year, I'm not feeling it. Maybe because I just feel like this year has been stressful and sort of crappy. And maybe I'm just down on myself because I can't figure out how to get my baby to sleep through the night and I can't figure out how to balance everything in my life and I can't figure out how to keep everyone healthy. If it's not ear infections, then it's a spider bite, then it's a cold going around the house, and nyquil haze and generally crappiness and a husband out of town or at drill and a sick dog. This month was supposed to be better than last month. The crappy quarter of Fall was supposed to yield a good quarter of Winter. But this does not seem to be the case.

And I am sad. There seems to be a lot of death right now, too. A friend's grandfather.  A kid I used to babysit for. My favorite movie star (I know, I know, totally shallow, but still). Nelson Mandela. A friend's colleague. My cousin, a combat vet, tried to commit suicide a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. Fortunately his wife knocked the gun out of his hand as he held it to his chin and he only damaged soft tissue. And fortunately it was *just* an attempted suicide and not the murder-suicide that often occurs in combat vet families. And it's a dreary day. There are just clouds everywhere.

I hope the baby's recent regression is due to being off schedule because of traveling and a growth spurt and frustration over trying to turn onto her stomach. I mean, she was sleeping from 6:30-4:30, regularly. We've not had that since we started traveling. Sigh. I figured it might be a week before she returns to "normal," but still. I haven't slept very well in over two weeks now.

I do really need to let go of the fact that the year did not turn out as planned. It has been much much harder to get over the c-section and breastfeeding issues than I had planned. And it is almost impossible to plan a research schedule around a baby like Magpie, even with help. And part of it is that when I'm home, I want to be with her. I don't want to work when she's awake. I hate being back at work full time already.

My classes are late this quarter--first one on MWF not until 11, and on TR I don't have to be in until 10. So I thought in theory that I could work at night after the Magpie went to bed. If our nights keep going like they have been, then that won't work.

I am just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have a new prep this quarter. I have a grad class in the spring I need to start prepping. I have an article that I need to research and write and an abstract and a book review. I'm still so far from so many of my goals. Look, I know I sound very "woe is me," but I'm just down, and down on my bday. Sigh. I need to just accept the way things are, deal with it, work with what I have, and just keep plugging along. Maybe things won't seem so rotten when I get some sleep and get over this cold.