I've started so many posts the last few months and then have either not published them or deleted them or they're still floating around in draft form somewhere.

In part it's because I have a lot of gripes, and I just don't want to air them all publicly. But the alternative is that I've let them fester and stew and that's no good either.

Most of it is just personal and stupid stuff like: is the house ever going to sell? is the kid ever not going to be sick? how am I going to make it through the summer when everyone else seems to be relaxing? will I get my minivan this summer? will I be as productive as I hope this summer? how am I going to do everything? will I ever get these bills paid off? will we ever be able to buy a house here? do I want a house here? do I even have any mobility any more? are these 30 pounds ever going to come off? is it too late to have another kid or by the time I'm ready, will it be too late? do I seriously have to go on another diet? why can't I just go to bed at 8pm every night? why do I have to be so damn vain about my appearance? why can't I get rid of all this crap I have that I don't use and don't need and don't want?

These are the things that seriously keep me awake at night and basically shut me down for part of the day.

I'm back to my "life isn't fair!" bullshit, and I have a crappy attitude that I try to hide from my parents and husband and kid.

However, I know that part of this attitude and quite likely a large part of the weight issue is hormone related. I hate hormonal birth control. It does not work for me, but I'm willing to try things once. The IUD is supposed to be very low and localized. Not even a blip, supposedly, on the hormonal radar. Not for me. I gave it six months. After six months things seemed okay. Then, right on schedule at about 9 months, things just went bad. Weight gain (that won't budge, and that should budge. I am doing everything, and when I say everything, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to for my body to lose weight), major cramps, symptoms that mirrored an ectopic pregnancy and/or cysts, major depression and just a general "fuck you all" attitude. In short, the thing basically fucked up, and the doc said that it is not doing what it's supposed to, things are going on that shouldn't be, and well, at least he confirmed my suspicions rather than making me feel dumb. At one point it involved a 4.5 hour trip to the ER, which is never convenient but even less so the week before the end of the quarter and then another 3.5 hours of doctor's visits in the remainder of the week. Grrrrr. I'm fine, it turns out,  now that the thing is out, aside from the clock ticking on baby #2 (but so many other things have to happen first--Home City home sold and gone, bigger house here, tenure--I'm not having two kids and no job security or a house for that matter). That has me really stressed. We'll see now if the weight will budge now that my hormones should be leveling out a bit. And what also stresses me out is that you know, technically, I'm really not overweight. I'm in a healthy weight range, at the top of it, and I'm pretty stinking fit. But I am not comfortable at this weight. Societal pressures or not, but I don't like myself or the way I look at this weight. There are things that I can't do physically in my workouts because I'm at this weight. And while my legs are strong, it's not the best weight for my knees and for running. And I hate that I want to be thinner, but I do. But it's not just that. I want to feel better, to move better, and to not have baby weight still hanging around me. But I hate my vanity.

In any case, I feel enormous pressure now this summer to get things done. I've made a list. It seems like a doable list between now and October. I have deadlines set. I have some sense of what needs to be done and when. I've sort of got a game plan for how to get the things done. The hardest part for me though is the research and figuring out what I need. I've always been able to "get by" with my shitty research skills, but if I actually want to produce any sort of meaningful scholarship, I've got to actually do research. A little secret: I've never been to our university's library. Yeah. How am I even employed?

And this is all totally related. Obviously, when one feels better about oneself in any one area, then it's a bit easier to the other things to fall into place. Meditation helps. I need to start doing that again. Regularly.

I'm hopeful about what I can get done this summer. I'm also hopeful that I'll have the follow through I need, too. And perhaps I'll be organized enough in such a way that I can put more things on the blog to work through them or even just get to work.