Unlikely support

Remember last week when I was saying that I wanted more time with Magpie? I got it!

She had to stay home from daycare on Wednesday, and then I kept her home on Thursday because I had to make sure that she was able to go on Friday.

But the nights were rough. Since she's had not really bouts of diarrhea (sorry), Saturday was really the only day it would classify as that, she's clearly had some stomach issues, and I had been letting her stay up about 15 minutes past her bedtime in the hopes that she'd work stuff out, so to speak, before bed. Mistake. Those 15 minutes meant that it took her an hour and a half to settle down, which means that I went ape shit on her. Twice. I'm not proud of myself. I redeemed my psychotic mom tendencies last night though when I let her work it out on her own--she just couldn't get comfortable--and normally I'm in there checking diapers and what not. But I left her alone, and we both had better nights.

Except this pressure from the rain is giving me a terrible headache. It hurts so bad I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm sure it's also the stress of the last two weeks, too.

I have some more good news? positive news perhaps is a better word that has made me feel significantly better about my place here. First, the written review that my boss put in my tenure file seems to indicate a positive push toward tenure, even though what she tells me leaves me feeling iffy. However, I was talking with the Honors Director on an unrelated topic and he asked me how my eval went, and how I was feeling about going up next year. I told him that I don't feel that confident, like it could go either way. He asked why, and I told him about the research issue, and told him some other comments my boss has made (which was then later corroborated by another colleague in another department, not that the HD needed it, but just confirmed things he had been suspicious of for a while anyway). Long story short, even though he's not on the committee, he told me that there are problems with the administration (chair and dean who no one really off of our floor likes and/or trusts and are disappointed in, etc.,), but that he felt I should be fine, and if in the unlikely event that something does happen, he said to let him know and he will go to bat for me with the President (and indicated that another colleague who is close with the President would back me up as well). And you know, whether it has any effect (and I think it would because they have pull with people other than the dean and chair), what I need to hear is that someone supports me, and that someone in power recognizes that I am being treated differently by the department because I'm female (which he told my other colleague who said he also felt this was the case). Basically, it does, in this case, turn out to not be me that's the problem.

I will note, too, that the HD has been, since I've been here, the one person in administration I've felt I could trust, and when I have big questions, he's the one I ask (not the chair, not the dean, not my colleagues in my department--I will go to colleague in other department), not the least of which is because I know whatever I say to these two does not go directly back to the chair or dean. I have found some real solid support in perhaps a couple of unlikely places, but they are places that can have some powerful support in my favor. And that's nice to know. (It also means that I don't have to get cozy with a dean who stares at my chest and oggles me every time I see him. I am not comfortable in the dean's presence at all. HD? Totally).

Anyway, a giant weight has been lifted, and my anxiety levels have dropped considerably, which is important because I get more work done when I'm not battling anxiety and depression all at once. I feel now that the work I'm doing does have value, that it does count toward tenure, and that someone supports me within the college, and that now I might really be able to get some stuff done. That's a nice thing to have happen. I feel better now. And it's also good to know that I have really at least three sounding boards of level headed people who see the things I was worried were just in my head.

That is a relief. Really.