I emerge from the depths to say that I don't know if it's a midlife crisis, going up for tenure this quarter, or both, but I couldn't care less about a single thing related to teaching or research at this moment. I am neither invigorated or excited about this, nor can I even care about my classes this quarter because my schedule is designed to punish me and be mean for the last year that my boss knows she can because I can't pitch a fit and seem to be petty about it.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Monday, June 12, 2017
There is seriously something about my building that fills me with anger. There's a particularly insecure and spiteful passive aggressive faculty member here and every time I walk past her office, I throw a mental "fuck you" at her door. That's awful. I should come in on the other side of the building so I don't have to walk past it to get to my office.
My boss asked me if I wanted to move offices--not to a bigger office or a better office or one with more light. No she asked me to move offices because she doesn't want the new faculty members to be alone, so maybe I might want to just make a lateral move to keep them company. Um, no. No only no, but hell, fuck no. I am all about making new faculty feel welcome and helping them navigate the disaster this place is, but my job is not to keep them company and to uproot my life for them. I don't know where my boss gets off thinking its my place to sacrifice for everyone else because her perception are that my needs are less, not equal.
This is why this place fills me with rage. Perhaps I do just need some time away. Perhaps my pursuit of happiness, contentment, simplicity with help with that rage. Perhaps I do just need some time for this place to not consume my entire life. Perhaps it's time for me to just start saying no. And maybe that needs to be part of my project/pursuit as well, perfecting the art of saying no.
Here's the other thing, I want to be a great faculty member, colleague, scholar, productive member of the department. But I have no desire to be any of those things towards people who treat me like shit. And I want them all to fuck off. And I long for the day when I'll actually be able to say it.
My boss asked me if I wanted to move offices--not to a bigger office or a better office or one with more light. No she asked me to move offices because she doesn't want the new faculty members to be alone, so maybe I might want to just make a lateral move to keep them company. Um, no. No only no, but hell, fuck no. I am all about making new faculty feel welcome and helping them navigate the disaster this place is, but my job is not to keep them company and to uproot my life for them. I don't know where my boss gets off thinking its my place to sacrifice for everyone else because her perception are that my needs are less, not equal.
This is why this place fills me with rage. Perhaps I do just need some time away. Perhaps my pursuit of happiness, contentment, simplicity with help with that rage. Perhaps I do just need some time for this place to not consume my entire life. Perhaps it's time for me to just start saying no. And maybe that needs to be part of my project/pursuit as well, perfecting the art of saying no.
Here's the other thing, I want to be a great faculty member, colleague, scholar, productive member of the department. But I have no desire to be any of those things towards people who treat me like shit. And I want them all to fuck off. And I long for the day when I'll actually be able to say it.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Update
Update to other long post which I felt was too long to add an update to although now it might be too cumbersome to have to look at two posts. Oh well.
This morning I officially got the Magpie enrolled in the school she needs to be in. She 100% has a spot. The paperwork is done. She will get her IEP before school starts. She is where she needs to be.
One stress down.
This morning I officially got the Magpie enrolled in the school she needs to be in. She 100% has a spot. The paperwork is done. She will get her IEP before school starts. She is where she needs to be.
One stress down.
All the Haps
There's been a lot going on the past few weeks that I've been hesitant to blog about because I'm just not sure how to talk about it because I feel an incredible amount of guilt over it for various reasons, so I'll try.
We had a pre-k readiness evaluation for Magpie at the insistence of the daycare director. We have always known that Magpie is quirky. She certainly absorbs the world in a different way, and this in intensified by the fact that she is extremely smart and a problem solver. The J and I often joke that we have indeed given birth to a female Sheldon Cooper, and that honestly may still very well be the case. And like the J said, I have nothing to be sad over because Mags is the same wonderful kid post eval as she was pre eval.
As a parent though to hear that your child is developmentally delayed and that her quirks and type of intelligence are markers of ASD, I'm not going to lie, even as I sit here typing this, weeks after the fact, I am still about to cry. Now, it also may very well be that her delays and indicators of ASD are solely related to communication and speech delay, and that once we get that mastered, as it were, everything will right itself. But to be told that that ones child will be in a special education pre-k classroom still hurts me. The J is very zen about this. Enter my guilt.
First of all, I know I have nothing to feel sad about or mourn, and this is why I feel guilty, reason number one. I'm worried about how the world or other kids or parents will treat her. She interacts with other children differently--she prefers either younger or older children, not really children her own age, and I saw a mother getting annoyed with me and my child the other day because I was so proud of Magpie for wanting to play, for taking the initiative in trying to engage another child, but this mother was leery of my child and did not like the Magpie was saying "come with me! come do this! come color! You color this!" (this was a younger child). I think the mother's annoyance was in part that she didn't want to have to supervise her child--I was watching both of them, but she wanted her kid to sit still. Anyway...
I also wonder if this is my fault. Should I have stopped pushing sooner and insisted on a c-section sooner to get her out rather than waiting until it was almost an emergency? Was my own selfishness in wanting a "natural birth" (+ epidural) a factor here? Or is it because of the c-section and my inability to nurse her that promoted allergies and thus something that makes her little body so different? I know I will drive myself crazy with this because I cannot go back in time and try something different. Nor would I want a child who is different than the spunky little feisty one I have. And I know that it is very selfish of me too to look at this as being all about me and my guilt, but I can't help it.
So this is the big stress right now. Worrying about my child. And trying to finish the SF chapter. This worry has caused me the most painful TMJ flare up I've had to date. More steroids. More valium. It's affected my ability to work on the sci-fi chapter and my summer job a little bit, and it's getting better. But it's not the best. Also, the J is gone for two weeks. Fortunately, my mom is here, otherwise, I'd be up the creek. And, we finally came to the realization that my meds were no longer working. I've got different ones. Upped the dose of the one I was on before and dramatically decreased the dose of the one I was one, so I have a little cocktail, but it seems to be working well so far.
Anyway, we've made some decisions though about the kid and about my work schedule (and my guilt). One, we're putting her in the public school where she can actually get a lot more help and therapy and attention that she needs than to keep her in the school she's at (although many of those same resources would be available to her, she'd be in a much larger room with more kids, and she needs to be in a room with fewer children right now). We are also NOT going to put her in an after school program this year either. She will have gymnastics one day a week and hopefully soccer one day a week, and the goal is for me to spend more time with her and give her calmer afternoons so that she might better adjust to school. The other part of this is that I am not taking on anything new this year. No new writing projects. Nothing. rather, we decided that lowering my stress this next year will be important for Magpie's success because it will mean less tension in the house over all. So we will focus on time together as a family next year rather than have the frenzy of deadlines and tenure looming over me day and night. She gets to stay home for the summer with my mom (which is going to save us over $1000 to put toward bills and the house down payment). Since she will start school early, I'm going to teach earlier in the morning so that the afternoons are not a rush. Of course my boss is going to have a duck that I want a different schedule now although she's the one who keeps telling me that I can't expect to have the same schedule all the time until I try to change it and then she yells at me for wanting something different than the year before. But that will not faze me.
I will be finishing the sci-fi chapter soon. I have been getting up early to work on it, but I realized this morning that I needed to do this instead. I knew I would be working on it most of the afternoon, so I needed a break from it, despite the looming deadline. When the chapter is finished, I will spend the rest of June putting together my tenure portfolio so that way it is about 90% done by the end of June, and then in the fall, I'll just have some odds and ends to take care of.
On July 1st, I'm going to start what will tentatively be called "The Happiness Project." I will have a separate blog link for this. It will be a year long project in which I will actively work toward becoming happy here. I am happy and I am not happy. If I were really "happy" or even truly content, I don't think I'd be having TMJ flare ups, guilt, be as depressed as I am (which I know that clinical depression has nothing to do with "being happy," but I think you know what I'm getting at here), be as stressed as I am, be unable to cope with life's stresses. Now this is not to say that I'm going to make the year stress free or that bad or very stressful things won't happen (I'm not picturing a perfect year), but rather what I'm working toward is a place that allows me not to be filled with hate when I go to work, with anxiety when I come home, with stress about how my clothes don't fit because I'm eating my anxiety. This will also involve trying to figure out how to deal with financial stress. I don't want Magpie, as she's getting older and more aware, to see that. She's already very sensitive to my (our) stress, and I don't want her to be in an environment that oozes that. And, there are things that *I* want to do that worrying about tenure, worrying about deadlines and publications hasn't allowed me to do these last six years (SIX YEARS! holy shit!).
This, this thing above, this has me hopeful. I realize how privileged I am to be able to do this. But I also feel like it's something that I *need* to do. And a lot of this is for my family and not just myself. So if you're interested, stay tuned.
We had a pre-k readiness evaluation for Magpie at the insistence of the daycare director. We have always known that Magpie is quirky. She certainly absorbs the world in a different way, and this in intensified by the fact that she is extremely smart and a problem solver. The J and I often joke that we have indeed given birth to a female Sheldon Cooper, and that honestly may still very well be the case. And like the J said, I have nothing to be sad over because Mags is the same wonderful kid post eval as she was pre eval.
As a parent though to hear that your child is developmentally delayed and that her quirks and type of intelligence are markers of ASD, I'm not going to lie, even as I sit here typing this, weeks after the fact, I am still about to cry. Now, it also may very well be that her delays and indicators of ASD are solely related to communication and speech delay, and that once we get that mastered, as it were, everything will right itself. But to be told that that ones child will be in a special education pre-k classroom still hurts me. The J is very zen about this. Enter my guilt.
First of all, I know I have nothing to feel sad about or mourn, and this is why I feel guilty, reason number one. I'm worried about how the world or other kids or parents will treat her. She interacts with other children differently--she prefers either younger or older children, not really children her own age, and I saw a mother getting annoyed with me and my child the other day because I was so proud of Magpie for wanting to play, for taking the initiative in trying to engage another child, but this mother was leery of my child and did not like the Magpie was saying "come with me! come do this! come color! You color this!" (this was a younger child). I think the mother's annoyance was in part that she didn't want to have to supervise her child--I was watching both of them, but she wanted her kid to sit still. Anyway...
I also wonder if this is my fault. Should I have stopped pushing sooner and insisted on a c-section sooner to get her out rather than waiting until it was almost an emergency? Was my own selfishness in wanting a "natural birth" (+ epidural) a factor here? Or is it because of the c-section and my inability to nurse her that promoted allergies and thus something that makes her little body so different? I know I will drive myself crazy with this because I cannot go back in time and try something different. Nor would I want a child who is different than the spunky little feisty one I have. And I know that it is very selfish of me too to look at this as being all about me and my guilt, but I can't help it.
So this is the big stress right now. Worrying about my child. And trying to finish the SF chapter. This worry has caused me the most painful TMJ flare up I've had to date. More steroids. More valium. It's affected my ability to work on the sci-fi chapter and my summer job a little bit, and it's getting better. But it's not the best. Also, the J is gone for two weeks. Fortunately, my mom is here, otherwise, I'd be up the creek. And, we finally came to the realization that my meds were no longer working. I've got different ones. Upped the dose of the one I was on before and dramatically decreased the dose of the one I was one, so I have a little cocktail, but it seems to be working well so far.
Anyway, we've made some decisions though about the kid and about my work schedule (and my guilt). One, we're putting her in the public school where she can actually get a lot more help and therapy and attention that she needs than to keep her in the school she's at (although many of those same resources would be available to her, she'd be in a much larger room with more kids, and she needs to be in a room with fewer children right now). We are also NOT going to put her in an after school program this year either. She will have gymnastics one day a week and hopefully soccer one day a week, and the goal is for me to spend more time with her and give her calmer afternoons so that she might better adjust to school. The other part of this is that I am not taking on anything new this year. No new writing projects. Nothing. rather, we decided that lowering my stress this next year will be important for Magpie's success because it will mean less tension in the house over all. So we will focus on time together as a family next year rather than have the frenzy of deadlines and tenure looming over me day and night. She gets to stay home for the summer with my mom (which is going to save us over $1000 to put toward bills and the house down payment). Since she will start school early, I'm going to teach earlier in the morning so that the afternoons are not a rush. Of course my boss is going to have a duck that I want a different schedule now although she's the one who keeps telling me that I can't expect to have the same schedule all the time until I try to change it and then she yells at me for wanting something different than the year before. But that will not faze me.
I will be finishing the sci-fi chapter soon. I have been getting up early to work on it, but I realized this morning that I needed to do this instead. I knew I would be working on it most of the afternoon, so I needed a break from it, despite the looming deadline. When the chapter is finished, I will spend the rest of June putting together my tenure portfolio so that way it is about 90% done by the end of June, and then in the fall, I'll just have some odds and ends to take care of.
On July 1st, I'm going to start what will tentatively be called "The Happiness Project." I will have a separate blog link for this. It will be a year long project in which I will actively work toward becoming happy here. I am happy and I am not happy. If I were really "happy" or even truly content, I don't think I'd be having TMJ flare ups, guilt, be as depressed as I am (which I know that clinical depression has nothing to do with "being happy," but I think you know what I'm getting at here), be as stressed as I am, be unable to cope with life's stresses. Now this is not to say that I'm going to make the year stress free or that bad or very stressful things won't happen (I'm not picturing a perfect year), but rather what I'm working toward is a place that allows me not to be filled with hate when I go to work, with anxiety when I come home, with stress about how my clothes don't fit because I'm eating my anxiety. This will also involve trying to figure out how to deal with financial stress. I don't want Magpie, as she's getting older and more aware, to see that. She's already very sensitive to my (our) stress, and I don't want her to be in an environment that oozes that. And, there are things that *I* want to do that worrying about tenure, worrying about deadlines and publications hasn't allowed me to do these last six years (SIX YEARS! holy shit!).
This, this thing above, this has me hopeful. I realize how privileged I am to be able to do this. But I also feel like it's something that I *need* to do. And a lot of this is for my family and not just myself. So if you're interested, stay tuned.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Y'all, took some valium and had a little bit of wine last night--I know probably not the healthiest thing to do, but damn if that anxiety didn't just float the fuck away. I still feel the effects of the valium this morning, and I have a bit of a head cold, and still, when I think about certain colleagues I want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but as far as how I feel in general, I feel better, overall. I will get to work out tomorrow. I will get to go out of town for a day and a half this weekend (although the amount and level of family there is stressing me out a little bit, okay, a lot, but whatevs), but the J is coming home this afternoon/tonight, so I'll get to see him, and I should be done with grades by about 10:45 today.
I do sorta feel like just disappearing into my bed for a few days with absolutely no responsibility, no thoughts of work or scholarship, no tv, no books, no human contact. Just a few days to myself. But I'll have to take having the afternoon to myself as a substitute.
Anyway, I'm actually going to do something toward the damn sci-fi article now.
I do sorta feel like just disappearing into my bed for a few days with absolutely no responsibility, no thoughts of work or scholarship, no tv, no books, no human contact. Just a few days to myself. But I'll have to take having the afternoon to myself as a substitute.
Anyway, I'm actually going to do something toward the damn sci-fi article now.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
I think I need some valium. I have some. I don't like taking it, but I ran out of my meds on Sunday and just got them refilled this morning, and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I cannot go without them. I cannot describe how I am feeling right now.
I am ready for the quarter to be done. I am so ready. I think I checked out about two weeks ago. A lot of us feel like this has been hands down one of our worst spring quarters in a long time. I wish the husband were home. I always feel like I'll get more done when he's gone, but it turns out that's not the case. It's like the good part of me goes on vacation and I just sit at home and watch unsolved mysteries until I fall asleep. I am having a ridiculously hard time coping with the enormous stress of this sci fi chapter that I cannot do.It is such a major mental block and I'm scared as hell. Even more daunted by it than I was my dissertation.
I want it to be done.
Perhaps though all will be better once the meds kick back in and I am a sane person again. I do not like how I feel right now. If I could go to bed, I totally would. As a matter of fact, I may just leave and go home. There's no point in my being here.
I'm going to do that. I will feel so much better.
I am ready for the quarter to be done. I am so ready. I think I checked out about two weeks ago. A lot of us feel like this has been hands down one of our worst spring quarters in a long time. I wish the husband were home. I always feel like I'll get more done when he's gone, but it turns out that's not the case. It's like the good part of me goes on vacation and I just sit at home and watch unsolved mysteries until I fall asleep. I am having a ridiculously hard time coping with the enormous stress of this sci fi chapter that I cannot do.It is such a major mental block and I'm scared as hell. Even more daunted by it than I was my dissertation.
I want it to be done.
Perhaps though all will be better once the meds kick back in and I am a sane person again. I do not like how I feel right now. If I could go to bed, I totally would. As a matter of fact, I may just leave and go home. There's no point in my being here.
I'm going to do that. I will feel so much better.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Is it wrong that I'm having yet another day when I want to tell the world to just fuck off? It's weird, because I'm actually in a very good mood. I have the stress of the world in this sci-fi chapter hanging over my head, which I know the best cure for that is to just freaking do it and all will be well.
I'm just so done with this quarter. I really am. I have until Friday though. One class is done. Another is mostly done today. I'm tired of the bullshit here. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I want to do. I want this summer to be relaxing.
Maybe I'm just still ornery from not getting much sleep Sunday night. My new glasses are a bit tight and I think giving me a headache. I want to go home, have lunch, put my pjs on, and do some work I want to do.
Anyway, that's all I got. I just needed to clear my head out before I started working on some other things. For those of you who are already done, I'm super jelly of you.
I'm just so done with this quarter. I really am. I have until Friday though. One class is done. Another is mostly done today. I'm tired of the bullshit here. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I want to do. I want this summer to be relaxing.
Maybe I'm just still ornery from not getting much sleep Sunday night. My new glasses are a bit tight and I think giving me a headache. I want to go home, have lunch, put my pjs on, and do some work I want to do.
Anyway, that's all I got. I just needed to clear my head out before I started working on some other things. For those of you who are already done, I'm super jelly of you.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
So this may sound really fucking petty, but I'm super pissed about my schedule for the fall, first of all because it was not run by me because it deviates extravagantly from what I've done my last six fucking years here.
THREE fucking preps, including a GRADUATE CLASS that is on-line and super fucking labor intensive AND a FRESHMAN COMP class, also super fucking labor intensive (and one I've not taught in like five years).
AND my theory class that I was hired to teach because no one wanted that class that I only taught once because it was so successful that my super petty colleague decided that she needed to teach it and I was told not to fight it because she would be on my tenure committee and I don't want to make an enemy of her (which I realize now is what like probably illegal--to be denied tenure simply because I wanted to keep my class? a mistake that I won't make twice), who regardless of our "friendship" would stab anyone in the back for her gain anyway. That class has now been given to another colleague!
I am so fucking pissed right now.
This quarter is no where near over AND I am teaching summer session. That feels like a gigantic mistake in and of itself. Maybe the class won't make.
A head's up about my schedule might have been nice. Three goddamn preps, with two labor intensive preps is just fucking mean.
That's all.
I just needed to get that out of my system so that I could put a smile on my face.
THREE fucking preps, including a GRADUATE CLASS that is on-line and super fucking labor intensive AND a FRESHMAN COMP class, also super fucking labor intensive (and one I've not taught in like five years).
AND my theory class that I was hired to teach because no one wanted that class that I only taught once because it was so successful that my super petty colleague decided that she needed to teach it and I was told not to fight it because she would be on my tenure committee and I don't want to make an enemy of her (which I realize now is what like probably illegal--to be denied tenure simply because I wanted to keep my class? a mistake that I won't make twice), who regardless of our "friendship" would stab anyone in the back for her gain anyway. That class has now been given to another colleague!
I am so fucking pissed right now.
This quarter is no where near over AND I am teaching summer session. That feels like a gigantic mistake in and of itself. Maybe the class won't make.
A head's up about my schedule might have been nice. Three goddamn preps, with two labor intensive preps is just fucking mean.
That's all.
I just needed to get that out of my system so that I could put a smile on my face.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
So the doc changed my meds and upped the dose. This does not seem to be working. I am back to where I started, I feel like--completely unmotivated, depressed, apathetic. I've gained about 7 pounds. Whatever confidence I had had in myself or my work is gone. I don't think that's how it was supposed to work. I did better on the half dose, so we're going to try that.
I think I've hit like rock bottom again, so like twice now in a matter of months. I mean, before, I just didn't care. I'd go through the motions, whatever. My mom was still around to clean and do laundry, so it didn't matter really. And it's not like then I didn't feel good about myself; I just didn't care, so nothing bothered me. But now, it's different. I don't feel good about myself. We were all running late today because I felt ugly and couldn't get my shit together this morning. It's just straight up foolishness. I've not done any work on the chapter. I've not worked out. My diet is the pits. All the things I've worked so hard on in the last few months have just slowly deteriorated, and I'm frustrated and angry about it now, which I guess that's better than not caring I guess. I guess that's more motivating, but only if it doesn't make me feel like shit about myself, which is where I'm at right now. Ugh.
Maybe it's just anxiety? Maybe if I actually start working out again I'll feel better? I feel like there are a lot of maybes right now.
Oh well, I thought I had more to say. In my head there was a lot to work through, but now there isn't so I guess I'll just read until class starts.
Oooh, okay, here's a positive thing. I think, finally, even though it does mean five days a week of teaching, I think I've got a schedule that works. I'm done by 1pm every day. This gives me the afternoon to work at least four days a week (or do laundry or grocery shop, whatever). In theory, it also means that if I don't work out in the morning, I can in the afternoon, although that hasn't happened yet. But I've been getting work done in the afternoon and sleeping in in the morning and not stressing to be caught up in my classes, so that's something, yes?
I think I've hit like rock bottom again, so like twice now in a matter of months. I mean, before, I just didn't care. I'd go through the motions, whatever. My mom was still around to clean and do laundry, so it didn't matter really. And it's not like then I didn't feel good about myself; I just didn't care, so nothing bothered me. But now, it's different. I don't feel good about myself. We were all running late today because I felt ugly and couldn't get my shit together this morning. It's just straight up foolishness. I've not done any work on the chapter. I've not worked out. My diet is the pits. All the things I've worked so hard on in the last few months have just slowly deteriorated, and I'm frustrated and angry about it now, which I guess that's better than not caring I guess. I guess that's more motivating, but only if it doesn't make me feel like shit about myself, which is where I'm at right now. Ugh.
Maybe it's just anxiety? Maybe if I actually start working out again I'll feel better? I feel like there are a lot of maybes right now.
Oh well, I thought I had more to say. In my head there was a lot to work through, but now there isn't so I guess I'll just read until class starts.
Oooh, okay, here's a positive thing. I think, finally, even though it does mean five days a week of teaching, I think I've got a schedule that works. I'm done by 1pm every day. This gives me the afternoon to work at least four days a week (or do laundry or grocery shop, whatever). In theory, it also means that if I don't work out in the morning, I can in the afternoon, although that hasn't happened yet. But I've been getting work done in the afternoon and sleeping in in the morning and not stressing to be caught up in my classes, so that's something, yes?
Thursday, November 17, 2016
I started this post on Saturday. I've been trying to process still a lot since then.
It's a time of transition right now for many of us because of this election. I have found myself, like many other, profoundly saddened not just by the election, but by the response of the country, by the expectation that, unlike the haters of the last eight years, I must "buck up Buttercup" and respect the president, that I am expected to be silent because we don't want to cause any more division in the country, that there is the expectation that I must go quietly into that good night, and I'm wracked with anxiety about what Thanksgiving at my family's this year will be like. Thank god for valium. I will not allow them, their house or not, to spew hate speech in front of my daughter.
It is also a personal time of transition in the Nerd HQ as well. My parents have moved out permanently, which in many ways has been freeing and liberating for me and the J. My sister had her baby (yay!) early apparently, but the kid is so fat and so healthy, we think that she and the doctor were about a month off in terms of the conception and due date. Of course, we can't not have drama about it: "She's having trouble sleeping right now." Um yeah, she's 12 hours old. Of course she's fussy. Newborns fuss. However, the Magpie was expecting her grandparents to be here at least for a few more days after they left to go home for doctor's appointments (the intent was to return here, stay for a day or two, pack up their stuff and head up to my sister's), but it all happened abruptly, so she's dealing with it in her own toddler way by being fussy, clingy, indecisive ("hold you!" and upon being held "leave me alone! go away!"), and not really sleeping well. Because she isn't sleeping and because I'm not sleeping, we both have colds. And the J is sicker than all of us right now, which is rare.
In the last month, I have been battling TMJ which has been awful not just in terms of the jaw pain, but the valium makes working out tough. But on top of that and the cold, I've also had a painful and enduring urinary tract infection, in part because I was on the wrong antibiotics for the infection I had. They make me sick when I work out. I'm not eating properly. I'm not sleeping properly. And we've gone through so much wine.
While the zoloft and valium are helping, right now, maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm just freaking exhausted AF, but I'm just sad, again. I think I just need some down time.
I think the poor Magpie has been battling her own exhaustion and anxiety as well. She's not sleeping well, and hasn't been for the last two weeks. In part because of this persistent cough (which we are going to the doctor for today), but because things are different around the house for her now, too. she got to see her Gramps this weekend, and he'll be here in a couple of weeks to babysit, but I think she is trying to adjust to her new normal, too. That being said, things are much quieter and much calmer without my parents here. They can't just let her sit and be. There constantly has to be something going on. We get out of the house earlier in the morning and with much less fuss now that they are gone. Granted, the house is messier and it's harder for me to get dinner on the table (but that's in part to my schedule right now, and sickness, and just overall exhaustion and lack of movement) without them here, and it's harder for me to go work out, but we have a calmer child for the most part (when she's rested). And a sort of less whiny child. I mean, we've had some crying episodes every day over things like "go get my x-toy" and I say, "no, you know where it is, you go get it if you want it that badly" which usually results in a meltdown of some kind because she doesn't want to do it, but eventually she will go get her own thing and I don't have to worry about my mom or dad saying, "I'll get it Magpie. Just tell me where it is." No. This is teaching her to take responsibility for her stuff.
As much as I love my parents, and as much as I miss them (and the often convenience of having them to do things like cook and clean and watch the kid--god, I sound awful), and it's been fun and really wonderful reconnecting with my parents after so many years, and I'm thankful for the three years I got to hog them for myself, but the truth is, the J, Magpie and I have never actually been our own little unit. And it's been nice having the J all to myself in the evenings, to be able to do things on our schedule or watch something without waiting for mom and dad to get ready. What's also nice too is knowing that when we do get settled into more of a routine that in three weeks, it's not going to get disrupted again. So hopefully, we'll get some consistency in our lives and things will get better for her as well.
In part of my ongoing search for the best schedule ever that makes my life as balanced as possible, I am playing around with it again, much to my boss's chagrin. What I need is something that allows for flexibility and contingency. Right now, I based everything on working out in the morning, watching a film and reading at night, doing research and grading during office hours. None of that worked out. If I have to work in the morning, then there is no chance, especially if mom is gone, for me to work out. My days are long and exhausting, so I don't ever feel like working out in the evening anyway. And I never take in to account not working out in the morning as a possibility in my schedule. I know, I obsess over my schedule ridiculously. It annoys the J. I know he's tired of it. But I am hopeful that this will not leave me exhausted. It will allow me time to take care of myself and gives me the option of a noon work out if I can't work out in the am. I think it will also allow me more time for food prep and stuff during the week, too. I am cautiously optimistic. We shall see. I just hate being rushed in the mornings and the evenings.
I have other things on my mind, too, but this is way more than enough for now. I want to write more about the election and about my students and how I feel about it. I'll save that for later, which is where this started, but kind of went in a whole different direction.
It's a time of transition right now for many of us because of this election. I have found myself, like many other, profoundly saddened not just by the election, but by the response of the country, by the expectation that, unlike the haters of the last eight years, I must "buck up Buttercup" and respect the president, that I am expected to be silent because we don't want to cause any more division in the country, that there is the expectation that I must go quietly into that good night, and I'm wracked with anxiety about what Thanksgiving at my family's this year will be like. Thank god for valium. I will not allow them, their house or not, to spew hate speech in front of my daughter.
It is also a personal time of transition in the Nerd HQ as well. My parents have moved out permanently, which in many ways has been freeing and liberating for me and the J. My sister had her baby (yay!) early apparently, but the kid is so fat and so healthy, we think that she and the doctor were about a month off in terms of the conception and due date. Of course, we can't not have drama about it: "She's having trouble sleeping right now." Um yeah, she's 12 hours old. Of course she's fussy. Newborns fuss. However, the Magpie was expecting her grandparents to be here at least for a few more days after they left to go home for doctor's appointments (the intent was to return here, stay for a day or two, pack up their stuff and head up to my sister's), but it all happened abruptly, so she's dealing with it in her own toddler way by being fussy, clingy, indecisive ("hold you!" and upon being held "leave me alone! go away!"), and not really sleeping well. Because she isn't sleeping and because I'm not sleeping, we both have colds. And the J is sicker than all of us right now, which is rare.
In the last month, I have been battling TMJ which has been awful not just in terms of the jaw pain, but the valium makes working out tough. But on top of that and the cold, I've also had a painful and enduring urinary tract infection, in part because I was on the wrong antibiotics for the infection I had. They make me sick when I work out. I'm not eating properly. I'm not sleeping properly. And we've gone through so much wine.
While the zoloft and valium are helping, right now, maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm just freaking exhausted AF, but I'm just sad, again. I think I just need some down time.
I think the poor Magpie has been battling her own exhaustion and anxiety as well. She's not sleeping well, and hasn't been for the last two weeks. In part because of this persistent cough (which we are going to the doctor for today), but because things are different around the house for her now, too. she got to see her Gramps this weekend, and he'll be here in a couple of weeks to babysit, but I think she is trying to adjust to her new normal, too. That being said, things are much quieter and much calmer without my parents here. They can't just let her sit and be. There constantly has to be something going on. We get out of the house earlier in the morning and with much less fuss now that they are gone. Granted, the house is messier and it's harder for me to get dinner on the table (but that's in part to my schedule right now, and sickness, and just overall exhaustion and lack of movement) without them here, and it's harder for me to go work out, but we have a calmer child for the most part (when she's rested). And a sort of less whiny child. I mean, we've had some crying episodes every day over things like "go get my x-toy" and I say, "no, you know where it is, you go get it if you want it that badly" which usually results in a meltdown of some kind because she doesn't want to do it, but eventually she will go get her own thing and I don't have to worry about my mom or dad saying, "I'll get it Magpie. Just tell me where it is." No. This is teaching her to take responsibility for her stuff.
As much as I love my parents, and as much as I miss them (and the often convenience of having them to do things like cook and clean and watch the kid--god, I sound awful), and it's been fun and really wonderful reconnecting with my parents after so many years, and I'm thankful for the three years I got to hog them for myself, but the truth is, the J, Magpie and I have never actually been our own little unit. And it's been nice having the J all to myself in the evenings, to be able to do things on our schedule or watch something without waiting for mom and dad to get ready. What's also nice too is knowing that when we do get settled into more of a routine that in three weeks, it's not going to get disrupted again. So hopefully, we'll get some consistency in our lives and things will get better for her as well.
In part of my ongoing search for the best schedule ever that makes my life as balanced as possible, I am playing around with it again, much to my boss's chagrin. What I need is something that allows for flexibility and contingency. Right now, I based everything on working out in the morning, watching a film and reading at night, doing research and grading during office hours. None of that worked out. If I have to work in the morning, then there is no chance, especially if mom is gone, for me to work out. My days are long and exhausting, so I don't ever feel like working out in the evening anyway. And I never take in to account not working out in the morning as a possibility in my schedule. I know, I obsess over my schedule ridiculously. It annoys the J. I know he's tired of it. But I am hopeful that this will not leave me exhausted. It will allow me time to take care of myself and gives me the option of a noon work out if I can't work out in the am. I think it will also allow me more time for food prep and stuff during the week, too. I am cautiously optimistic. We shall see. I just hate being rushed in the mornings and the evenings.
I have other things on my mind, too, but this is way more than enough for now. I want to write more about the election and about my students and how I feel about it. I'll save that for later, which is where this started, but kind of went in a whole different direction.
Friday, November 4, 2016
I need to vent about my annoying student for a moment.
On Monday, I had no reading planned. It was Halloween--I usually show some stupid movie just to give us all a break as we head into the home stretch of the quarter. Everyone is usually pretty stressed, so it just helps us all chill.
Stu: I accidentally read Wednesday's stuff for today.
Me: Great, you're ahead of the game.
Stu: So we're watching a movie and not discussing the story.
Me: Yes.
Stu: But I read already for today. Why are we not discussing the story today?
Me: It's scheduled for Wednesday.
Stu: Yes, but I read it for today.
Me: So, everyone, we're watching a cult classic that's a hilarious Halloween movie.
WTF?
This morning stu tells me that ze was hoping that the syllabus was wrong and that I do have afternoon hours on Friday and that ze emailed me because ze wanted to come in this afternoon. I didn't check my email yesterday because I was home in bed with a painful UTI (oooh, more on that in a second RE: my boss).
Stu: I know you have class after ours, so I was hoping that you'd stay and meet with me after your other class. I emailed you. This is really early for me to be up. (It's 9 am.).
Me (in my head--FUck you!): I never have afternoon office hours on Friday.
Stu: I was hoping the syllabus was wrong.
Me: No.
Ze also asked me to come in on a day I don't have office hours because ze wouldn't be finished with hir draft in time for that day and it wasn't fair of me to schedule something due on a Friday and not be in the office on Thursday. Me: Well, as I told you guys in the beginning of the quarter, there are a couple of things due on a Friday, and I do not have office hours on Thursday. You need to plan ahead.
So, Wednesday morning, pardon the TMI, but I woke up with an extraordinarily painful UTI. I knew it immediately. I went to my office hours because my doctor doesn't open until 8:30, so I couldn't call before then, and if you've had a UTI, then you know that's not something that you just you know, wait out or get to the doc whenever. I had few appointment choices, so I had to cancel two classes (because my doc is out of town), but made it back for my third. I'm still here for my office hours in the morning. I email my students. I put the signs up myself. I take care of all the things I need to do. I go to the office to inform them that I will be leaving to do to the doctor because I woke up with a painful UTI, and needed to get to the doctor ASAP. My boss, when she thinks I'm out of earshot says to the office assistant and THE FUCKING STUDENT WORKER! "I've never in my entire life canceled a class for a doctor's appointment." And then mumbled something else I didn't quite catch.
But seriously. You're going to trash talk me in front of a student??!! Congrats boss on being such a fucking martyr that you've taught through illness and everything else. Good for you. So if I'm running out of class every five minutes to go fucking pee, that's a better solution for you? I guess she was expecting me to get some depends and just pee in a diaper all through class and then go to the doctor on Thursday because you know, UTIs don't go from uncomfortable to awful without treatment or anything like that.
I wanted to punch her in the face.
On Monday, I had no reading planned. It was Halloween--I usually show some stupid movie just to give us all a break as we head into the home stretch of the quarter. Everyone is usually pretty stressed, so it just helps us all chill.
Stu: I accidentally read Wednesday's stuff for today.
Me: Great, you're ahead of the game.
Stu: So we're watching a movie and not discussing the story.
Me: Yes.
Stu: But I read already for today. Why are we not discussing the story today?
Me: It's scheduled for Wednesday.
Stu: Yes, but I read it for today.
Me: So, everyone, we're watching a cult classic that's a hilarious Halloween movie.
WTF?
This morning stu tells me that ze was hoping that the syllabus was wrong and that I do have afternoon hours on Friday and that ze emailed me because ze wanted to come in this afternoon. I didn't check my email yesterday because I was home in bed with a painful UTI (oooh, more on that in a second RE: my boss).
Stu: I know you have class after ours, so I was hoping that you'd stay and meet with me after your other class. I emailed you. This is really early for me to be up. (It's 9 am.).
Me (in my head--FUck you!): I never have afternoon office hours on Friday.
Stu: I was hoping the syllabus was wrong.
Me: No.
Ze also asked me to come in on a day I don't have office hours because ze wouldn't be finished with hir draft in time for that day and it wasn't fair of me to schedule something due on a Friday and not be in the office on Thursday. Me: Well, as I told you guys in the beginning of the quarter, there are a couple of things due on a Friday, and I do not have office hours on Thursday. You need to plan ahead.
So, Wednesday morning, pardon the TMI, but I woke up with an extraordinarily painful UTI. I knew it immediately. I went to my office hours because my doctor doesn't open until 8:30, so I couldn't call before then, and if you've had a UTI, then you know that's not something that you just you know, wait out or get to the doc whenever. I had few appointment choices, so I had to cancel two classes (because my doc is out of town), but made it back for my third. I'm still here for my office hours in the morning. I email my students. I put the signs up myself. I take care of all the things I need to do. I go to the office to inform them that I will be leaving to do to the doctor because I woke up with a painful UTI, and needed to get to the doctor ASAP. My boss, when she thinks I'm out of earshot says to the office assistant and THE FUCKING STUDENT WORKER! "I've never in my entire life canceled a class for a doctor's appointment." And then mumbled something else I didn't quite catch.
But seriously. You're going to trash talk me in front of a student??!! Congrats boss on being such a fucking martyr that you've taught through illness and everything else. Good for you. So if I'm running out of class every five minutes to go fucking pee, that's a better solution for you? I guess she was expecting me to get some depends and just pee in a diaper all through class and then go to the doctor on Thursday because you know, UTIs don't go from uncomfortable to awful without treatment or anything like that.
I wanted to punch her in the face.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
I am feeling an "out with the old" impulse. One the one hand, it's good. On the other, it means I want to replace old things and have newer, nicer things, albeit fewer things, but I feel a need to just purge and sort of start over.
Perhaps this has to do with the move and getting rid of a bunch of things and enjoying having space and room to move. Perhaps this has to do with the pretty much permanent move of my parents to my sister's--all the other "moves" home have been intended to be permanent, but have always only been semi-permanent as they cannot stand to be away from the Magpie for any length of time. I really, honestly though, do not know how the Magpie is going to handle this move of my parents away from her as they have lived with us for the last three years. We've already had a complete potty training regression. I am worried about sleep and language regressions now, too, which probably aren't likely. Rather tantrums and anxiety and its as of yet unknown manifestations may be more likely. I am looking forward though to getting into some sort of regular routine. My mom can be so manic. So can my dad in that they cannot let the child just sit. If she's quiet they have to go talk to her or disturb her and they cater to her every whim which makes things difficult when it's just me because she expects an immediate response. But I need routine, too, and my parents make it difficult for me to have one because I don't have to, or we get into one and they disrupt it, and it's like starting from scratch every time.
Anyway, back to the shedding of the old...
I have cut off all of my hair. It's about an inch or two all the way around. I wish it were just a bit longer because now, once it's dry, it stands straight up and looks like an 8 year old boy's growing out buzz cut. It has progressively gotten shorter over the last 8 weeks, and I just wanted to be done with it. I like it. I think I'll love it in about two or three weeks. But maybe it's the CF, maybe it's body building, maybe it's the weight loss, maybe it's finally being comfortable with being 40 and having gained a little bit of confidence in myself and I just don't give a fuck, but for the first time having short hair in about 20 years, I actually really love it. I haven't cried over it yet. This is huge for me.
I think part of this too is the depression and the anxiety. I'm trying to settle into a concept of myself who I'm comfortable with. Part of the hair cut, the purging of stuff, the body building (which man, valium makes that hard to sustain right now), is about trying to get to a confident me, a happy me who can set a good example for my kid. Admittedly right now I do feel like crap because of the sluggishness of the valium--it has depressed my appetite and my work outs, when I make them, are like in slow motion, 100% and impossible to get through if I even get through them. I haven't really finished one yet since this whole mouth thing started.
It's odd though. The new meds are helping, if in no other way than I feel good and confident about myself (most of the time, which is a newer sensation for me). I actually give a shit about this book chapter that is going to be a hot mess, but that I know will eventually come together at some point in time.
As I am still on a quest to try to figure out what works best for me and my family in terms of work and my health (working out, make sure I actually cook dinner and go to the grocery), I'm going to go back to teaching five days a week. I wonder if having the work spread out more will be less of an energy drain if it means earlier days every day than if I work three long days and one half day and have a day off. Right now I really need that extra day off, but I think it's because I'm just so exhausted with life that I just need that day right now. While it is affecting my work out schedule, because I do prefer to work out in the morning before everything else, right now it makes more sense for me to work early in the morning. I can get more reading done during that 90 minutes than 90 minutes at night before bed. It makes it harder for me to work out in the afternoon, but right now, work is more important than some future body building competition. I would like to start doing yoga again, too. I would like a life that I love.
It helps having a house that is our home. True, we do not own it yet, but we will, and that makes all the difference right now. There's a lot to be said for having a place of one's own, for feeling rooted and committed to a life (as imperfect and difficult as my job and this part of the country can be, and even though I long for a life for my daughter that extends far beyond this region). It makes me thoughtful and hopeful. It makes me want to care about life.
I'm sure I have more to say on this, but this is it for now.
Perhaps this has to do with the move and getting rid of a bunch of things and enjoying having space and room to move. Perhaps this has to do with the pretty much permanent move of my parents to my sister's--all the other "moves" home have been intended to be permanent, but have always only been semi-permanent as they cannot stand to be away from the Magpie for any length of time. I really, honestly though, do not know how the Magpie is going to handle this move of my parents away from her as they have lived with us for the last three years. We've already had a complete potty training regression. I am worried about sleep and language regressions now, too, which probably aren't likely. Rather tantrums and anxiety and its as of yet unknown manifestations may be more likely. I am looking forward though to getting into some sort of regular routine. My mom can be so manic. So can my dad in that they cannot let the child just sit. If she's quiet they have to go talk to her or disturb her and they cater to her every whim which makes things difficult when it's just me because she expects an immediate response. But I need routine, too, and my parents make it difficult for me to have one because I don't have to, or we get into one and they disrupt it, and it's like starting from scratch every time.
Anyway, back to the shedding of the old...
I have cut off all of my hair. It's about an inch or two all the way around. I wish it were just a bit longer because now, once it's dry, it stands straight up and looks like an 8 year old boy's growing out buzz cut. It has progressively gotten shorter over the last 8 weeks, and I just wanted to be done with it. I like it. I think I'll love it in about two or three weeks. But maybe it's the CF, maybe it's body building, maybe it's the weight loss, maybe it's finally being comfortable with being 40 and having gained a little bit of confidence in myself and I just don't give a fuck, but for the first time having short hair in about 20 years, I actually really love it. I haven't cried over it yet. This is huge for me.
I think part of this too is the depression and the anxiety. I'm trying to settle into a concept of myself who I'm comfortable with. Part of the hair cut, the purging of stuff, the body building (which man, valium makes that hard to sustain right now), is about trying to get to a confident me, a happy me who can set a good example for my kid. Admittedly right now I do feel like crap because of the sluggishness of the valium--it has depressed my appetite and my work outs, when I make them, are like in slow motion, 100% and impossible to get through if I even get through them. I haven't really finished one yet since this whole mouth thing started.
It's odd though. The new meds are helping, if in no other way than I feel good and confident about myself (most of the time, which is a newer sensation for me). I actually give a shit about this book chapter that is going to be a hot mess, but that I know will eventually come together at some point in time.
As I am still on a quest to try to figure out what works best for me and my family in terms of work and my health (working out, make sure I actually cook dinner and go to the grocery), I'm going to go back to teaching five days a week. I wonder if having the work spread out more will be less of an energy drain if it means earlier days every day than if I work three long days and one half day and have a day off. Right now I really need that extra day off, but I think it's because I'm just so exhausted with life that I just need that day right now. While it is affecting my work out schedule, because I do prefer to work out in the morning before everything else, right now it makes more sense for me to work early in the morning. I can get more reading done during that 90 minutes than 90 minutes at night before bed. It makes it harder for me to work out in the afternoon, but right now, work is more important than some future body building competition. I would like to start doing yoga again, too. I would like a life that I love.
It helps having a house that is our home. True, we do not own it yet, but we will, and that makes all the difference right now. There's a lot to be said for having a place of one's own, for feeling rooted and committed to a life (as imperfect and difficult as my job and this part of the country can be, and even though I long for a life for my daughter that extends far beyond this region). It makes me thoughtful and hopeful. It makes me want to care about life.
I'm sure I have more to say on this, but this is it for now.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
I feel as though the storm clouds have lifted a little bit today.
First, I have TMJ, which really sucks. My face really hurts. I can't wait to see my massage therapist on Thursday and have him work my upper back, neck, head, and face. He'll get in there, too, and straighten all that mess out. I went to the doctor (not just for the depression) in part because I thought I had a double ear infection. Nope. TMJ. The physical pain, however, is almost a welcome distraction from the psychological pain right now. My doctor and I both feel that this is a symptom of the depression and anxiety from which I am currently suffering. He gave me steroids and valium, so that should be interesting. The valium certainly helped me sleep last night and helped me to relax my face and my jaw. And it took the edge off the anxiety a bit, so I'm feeling better this morning than yesterday. Yesterday actually quite frightened me.
We also changed my antidepressants. Though I know they cannot work as fast as one morning, by the time I got home last night from the doctor, I felt infinitely better because I knew that there was at least a new plan in place that was going to help me, and for the first time I felt a bit motivated to do things, and I was more pleasant around the kid and was able to be more present around her. Plus, I also think this morning the valium still in my system has taken some of the edge off of my anxiety, and I can focus a bit more today and just feel like there is some hope, like I might be able to get back to a point where I can thrive rather than just function? We'll see. Hopefully I can get some more work done the rest of the morning in my office and that should help my mood, too.
Having a prescription for valium though makes me feel like a bored bourgeois housewife from the 80s.
First, I have TMJ, which really sucks. My face really hurts. I can't wait to see my massage therapist on Thursday and have him work my upper back, neck, head, and face. He'll get in there, too, and straighten all that mess out. I went to the doctor (not just for the depression) in part because I thought I had a double ear infection. Nope. TMJ. The physical pain, however, is almost a welcome distraction from the psychological pain right now. My doctor and I both feel that this is a symptom of the depression and anxiety from which I am currently suffering. He gave me steroids and valium, so that should be interesting. The valium certainly helped me sleep last night and helped me to relax my face and my jaw. And it took the edge off the anxiety a bit, so I'm feeling better this morning than yesterday. Yesterday actually quite frightened me.
We also changed my antidepressants. Though I know they cannot work as fast as one morning, by the time I got home last night from the doctor, I felt infinitely better because I knew that there was at least a new plan in place that was going to help me, and for the first time I felt a bit motivated to do things, and I was more pleasant around the kid and was able to be more present around her. Plus, I also think this morning the valium still in my system has taken some of the edge off of my anxiety, and I can focus a bit more today and just feel like there is some hope, like I might be able to get back to a point where I can thrive rather than just function? We'll see. Hopefully I can get some more work done the rest of the morning in my office and that should help my mood, too.
Having a prescription for valium though makes me feel like a bored bourgeois housewife from the 80s.
Monday, October 10, 2016
I had a bad weekend. I am headed to the doctor this afternoon.
My depression, which seemed to have been under control last spring, and the beginning of the summer, has resurfaced (as I mentioned I think in my last post). I am overwhelmed with uncontrollable sadness. I am also overwhelmed with apathy, and this is the thing which concerns me the most. I am functioning in as much as I shower and go to work. I am not doing my job particularly well. It is a struggle for me to be in any way prepared for the 400 level class. My energy in my survey classes has tanked. I am not even making the slow progress I was 4 weeks ago on the giant project due in three weeks.
I cannot focus. I cooked for the first time this weekend in like six weeks? Mostly my mom cooks, but I at least go to the grocery and give her the menu, and this has not been the case in the last month. We've been eating out a lot, or she's been eating tuna salads and stuff. The kid eats hot dogs and sweet potato fries and broccoli. So I am not even doing a very good job in taking care of her. Fortunately, others are around to pick up the slack. I go to functions without make up (which is a sign of apathy for me--I just don't have the energy to take the extra five minutes). I cannot work at night because every single ounce of energy I have goes toward holding myself together for the day.
I am concerned because I don't care if I flake out on this chapter, even though it would be like the biggest betrayal of friendship and mentorship and professional decorum I could think of, and a huge slap in the face, stab in the back, and whatever awful cliche of betrayal you can come up with toward the editor. Generally, wanting to not disappoint this person is motivation enough to get my ass in gear, but I cannot even bring myself to deal with what I need to. I cannot care about anything, let alone myself.
I cannot deal with stress, major or minor. This morning, I was not going to make it to work as early as I wanted to. I had a complete fucking meltdown in front of the kid who understood the heaviness of my sigh and the immediate headache that formed between my eyes, and she started crying a cry of fright and insecurity and fear of the unknown and I had to hold her all throughout her breakfast to reassure her. I am hurting her with my depression and anxiety, and I cannot have that. I cannot do that to her and the J. He feels the weight of it, too, but is too aware that telling me that I am hurting him will do me more harm than good. Hopefully there is some relief on the horizon this afternoon.
Wish me luck.
Friday, October 7, 2016
I have a super annoying student, and I have to vent somewhere about it.
The gist of the issue is that said student is an English major and therefore thinks ze is entitled to an A simply because ze is an English major, and that the roadblock in hir writing is not that hir writing needs improvement, but that it's my fault because "every other professor says X is acceptable and I'm the only one asking for Y instead of X, and I'm unreasonable for not accepting X for Y."
If you're an English major, and as good as you think you are, you should a) know the difference between an arguable thesis statement and just a plain statement about the text, and b) know the difference between plot summary and analysis, c) and understand that to simply write your opinion about the text and state it as a claim and not back it up with either appropriate support and analysis of that claim is not analysis at all. If you believe the problem with your writing is because I haven't told you exactly what to think, therefore the grade is my fault because I should have told you exactly what to write, then we are going to have some problems.
Try spending less time writing what you think I want to hear and spend more time actually constructing some sort of argument and supporting it appropriately.
Also, this assignment is 2-3 pages long. If you're as good an English major as you say you are, and as great a writer as you think, you should be able to knock out two pages in your sleep.
The gist of the issue is that said student is an English major and therefore thinks ze is entitled to an A simply because ze is an English major, and that the roadblock in hir writing is not that hir writing needs improvement, but that it's my fault because "every other professor says X is acceptable and I'm the only one asking for Y instead of X, and I'm unreasonable for not accepting X for Y."
If you're an English major, and as good as you think you are, you should a) know the difference between an arguable thesis statement and just a plain statement about the text, and b) know the difference between plot summary and analysis, c) and understand that to simply write your opinion about the text and state it as a claim and not back it up with either appropriate support and analysis of that claim is not analysis at all. If you believe the problem with your writing is because I haven't told you exactly what to think, therefore the grade is my fault because I should have told you exactly what to write, then we are going to have some problems.
Try spending less time writing what you think I want to hear and spend more time actually constructing some sort of argument and supporting it appropriately.
Also, this assignment is 2-3 pages long. If you're as good an English major as you say you are, and as great a writer as you think, you should be able to knock out two pages in your sleep.
Ugh. Today is just one of those days, I think?
I'm depressed. Like super depressed. Like the level of depression I felt this time last year. I do not feel like the anti-depressants are working anymore. It's affecting my ability to get through this project that I must do. I'm not taking very good care of myself at all, either. I'm functioning enough that I show up at my job, I bathe, I do the work I need to to teach, but aside from cuddling with the kid, my mom is pretty much doing everything right now--bathing, school, lunches, etc. I just do not feel like doing anything. I've been sleeping through alarms. Ugh. In short, I do not want to face reality. At all.
I think my poor diet right now is contributing a little bit to this. I cannot seem to gain control here of anything.
I'm frustrated. I hate feeling like this.
Now that a lot of the stress has been eliminated regarding the house (except hopefully a few minor things), there's still this large financial stress looming at the moment, but the stress either triggered a massive downturn in my depression, or it masked it, or both because now I just feel so meh. The energy I have goes toward basic functioning, and that's it.
I have everything to be happy about right now. But I cannot find any joy at all.
I'm depressed. Like super depressed. Like the level of depression I felt this time last year. I do not feel like the anti-depressants are working anymore. It's affecting my ability to get through this project that I must do. I'm not taking very good care of myself at all, either. I'm functioning enough that I show up at my job, I bathe, I do the work I need to to teach, but aside from cuddling with the kid, my mom is pretty much doing everything right now--bathing, school, lunches, etc. I just do not feel like doing anything. I've been sleeping through alarms. Ugh. In short, I do not want to face reality. At all.
I think my poor diet right now is contributing a little bit to this. I cannot seem to gain control here of anything.
I'm frustrated. I hate feeling like this.
Now that a lot of the stress has been eliminated regarding the house (except hopefully a few minor things), there's still this large financial stress looming at the moment, but the stress either triggered a massive downturn in my depression, or it masked it, or both because now I just feel so meh. The energy I have goes toward basic functioning, and that's it.
I have everything to be happy about right now. But I cannot find any joy at all.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
NEWS!!
My request for a one year extension for tenure has been granted!!
This is significant not just for me, but for others as well because I am the first one to try to use this new policy, so I have set the precedent here for others. This doesn't quite make up for all the shit I had to go through last year, but it at least gives me more of a fighting chance.
Because that piece of stress has been eliminated, and that mine and my family's life does not hang in the balance anymore and I won't spend the next 8 months filled with anxiety, I can breathe and get to work now. I can focus on the tasks at hand. I feel much more hopeful now that I'll actually not flake the eff out on this book chapter. Perhaps some of this will rub off on the Magpie and she'll feel less stress, too.
This is significant not just for me, but for others as well because I am the first one to try to use this new policy, so I have set the precedent here for others. This doesn't quite make up for all the shit I had to go through last year, but it at least gives me more of a fighting chance.
Because that piece of stress has been eliminated, and that mine and my family's life does not hang in the balance anymore and I won't spend the next 8 months filled with anxiety, I can breathe and get to work now. I can focus on the tasks at hand. I feel much more hopeful now that I'll actually not flake the eff out on this book chapter. Perhaps some of this will rub off on the Magpie and she'll feel less stress, too.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
In the depths
I just sort of feel like my life is falling apart right now.
I am completely overwhelmed by the project on which I'm currently working (and for which I've already gotten a month extension) because I am foolishly trying to cram a year's worth of work into about six weeks. Or I guess rather had I begun chipping away at the project when it fell into my lap, I'd be done already. I finished the other one. The editor hated my idea, seriously, and to be honest, it wasn't that great anyway, but he really hated the idea, so that required some major revisions which meant time away from big project because he wanted them in two weeks. I got them done in a week, and I have no idea if they are good enough yet, so that has me on edge. Also, under our new university policy, because the Magpie has been ill since birth, and then ill again this summer (that e.coli really fucked things up for me this summer--she's fine, I didn't mean to sound as horrible as I did because obviously her health comes first), which is the primary reason that this stuff isn't done yet as it should have been, I can apply for a year extension for tenure. So, I would go up next year. Except... 1) No one has applied for this before, so no one knows what to do, 2) I spent a week working on my letter to go with my request, 3) It's been over a week since I submitted my request and I haven't heard anything yet, and this is a problem because 4) if I get denied, my portfolio is due by 10/3. But since I have this huge awful project looming, I don't want to devote hours of research and writing time to the tenure portfolio if I don't have to. I've got my stuff all gathered, it's the writing for it that's not been done, and if I have to, I can knock it out in a weekend, but the portfolio is going to look rushed, and I'd rather it not. I've been told at the department level, I'm fine. At the college level, probably not because not all my stuff is in print and letters from the editors for the forthcoming stuff probably won't be good enough, which I think it bullshit, but whatever.
In the meantime, like this week, I have my sister's baby shower out of town, and then we move Sunday, and we're spending this week trying to get as much packed as we can. I'm more worried about tenure than I would be if we weren't buying a house. It was too good of an offer to pass up, especially if we are staying, and the house would not have been around for a month, let alone a whole year. On top of all of this, my very heightened stressed out state has had an impact on the whole family. The J is on edge, my mom is freaking out (and it does not help me for them to tell me to stop freaking out and to calm down--that just seriously pisses me off more), and then there's Magpie. She was potty trained. We were doing great. Now? Complete regression. She has decided that she is not going to be potty trained any more. We've talked to the pediatrician about it and her daycare, and we are trying our best (I'm not sure that the daycare even believes that she was actually potty trained), but there we are. We all understand that this is her way of coping with the stress. She has made a decision not to use the toilet. And she wants the comfort of babyhood because she's stressed out, too.
In short, I feel like my incompetence in my work is destroying my family. I know in part that the mere act of being in the new house on Sunday is going to make a difference simply because there is 600 sq. feet more of breathing space and a giant fenced in outdoor space, so I'm hopefully just the lack of crowding will make a difference.
I meditate every day, too, to help with this. I can tell it's helping, but still.
Until that letter comes back and I know how to focus my energies (on my research or on the appeal, because all hell will break loose, actually if it is denied. The J is ready to go to the mattresses), I feel like I'm drowning. I am going to crash in November, and it will not be pretty.
I just want to scream to the universe. I want the universe to help, to open the heavens and put forth light and warmth on me.
Every fucking day is a struggle. I have no energy for my research right now (though I chip away as I can almost daily) because I feel like all the energy I have is in holding myself together so I can function, so I can teach (though that takes way more energy than I have--I'm using up the reserves here, quick), so I am not a fucking broken down mess at work.
I never never ever want to be in this position again--academically, emotionally, physically, and financially. Ever.
Thanks for listening, y'all.
I am completely overwhelmed by the project on which I'm currently working (and for which I've already gotten a month extension) because I am foolishly trying to cram a year's worth of work into about six weeks. Or I guess rather had I begun chipping away at the project when it fell into my lap, I'd be done already. I finished the other one. The editor hated my idea, seriously, and to be honest, it wasn't that great anyway, but he really hated the idea, so that required some major revisions which meant time away from big project because he wanted them in two weeks. I got them done in a week, and I have no idea if they are good enough yet, so that has me on edge. Also, under our new university policy, because the Magpie has been ill since birth, and then ill again this summer (that e.coli really fucked things up for me this summer--she's fine, I didn't mean to sound as horrible as I did because obviously her health comes first), which is the primary reason that this stuff isn't done yet as it should have been, I can apply for a year extension for tenure. So, I would go up next year. Except... 1) No one has applied for this before, so no one knows what to do, 2) I spent a week working on my letter to go with my request, 3) It's been over a week since I submitted my request and I haven't heard anything yet, and this is a problem because 4) if I get denied, my portfolio is due by 10/3. But since I have this huge awful project looming, I don't want to devote hours of research and writing time to the tenure portfolio if I don't have to. I've got my stuff all gathered, it's the writing for it that's not been done, and if I have to, I can knock it out in a weekend, but the portfolio is going to look rushed, and I'd rather it not. I've been told at the department level, I'm fine. At the college level, probably not because not all my stuff is in print and letters from the editors for the forthcoming stuff probably won't be good enough, which I think it bullshit, but whatever.
In the meantime, like this week, I have my sister's baby shower out of town, and then we move Sunday, and we're spending this week trying to get as much packed as we can. I'm more worried about tenure than I would be if we weren't buying a house. It was too good of an offer to pass up, especially if we are staying, and the house would not have been around for a month, let alone a whole year. On top of all of this, my very heightened stressed out state has had an impact on the whole family. The J is on edge, my mom is freaking out (and it does not help me for them to tell me to stop freaking out and to calm down--that just seriously pisses me off more), and then there's Magpie. She was potty trained. We were doing great. Now? Complete regression. She has decided that she is not going to be potty trained any more. We've talked to the pediatrician about it and her daycare, and we are trying our best (I'm not sure that the daycare even believes that she was actually potty trained), but there we are. We all understand that this is her way of coping with the stress. She has made a decision not to use the toilet. And she wants the comfort of babyhood because she's stressed out, too.
In short, I feel like my incompetence in my work is destroying my family. I know in part that the mere act of being in the new house on Sunday is going to make a difference simply because there is 600 sq. feet more of breathing space and a giant fenced in outdoor space, so I'm hopefully just the lack of crowding will make a difference.
I meditate every day, too, to help with this. I can tell it's helping, but still.
Until that letter comes back and I know how to focus my energies (on my research or on the appeal, because all hell will break loose, actually if it is denied. The J is ready to go to the mattresses), I feel like I'm drowning. I am going to crash in November, and it will not be pretty.
I just want to scream to the universe. I want the universe to help, to open the heavens and put forth light and warmth on me.
Every fucking day is a struggle. I have no energy for my research right now (though I chip away as I can almost daily) because I feel like all the energy I have is in holding myself together so I can function, so I can teach (though that takes way more energy than I have--I'm using up the reserves here, quick), so I am not a fucking broken down mess at work.
I never never ever want to be in this position again--academically, emotionally, physically, and financially. Ever.
Thanks for listening, y'all.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Full Panic Mode
Our house issue is resolved.
Since the short sale is the hindrance to any kind of legit loan (which took a while to realize, sadly, because neither of us are financially savvy), so the sellers agreed to do a lease to purchase with us so that we have time for the short sale to go away, time to save, and we still get the house, and they do not make two mortgage payments. So for all intents and purposes, we are buying the house. We move this month.
What the fuck am I doing??!! Moving while trying to write a book chapter due at the end of September (which, um, yeah more on that below), tenure portfolio due in October, and since I foolishly perhaps thought that I'd be done with all of this stuff before now, I radically altered a course and am teaching a bunch of new stuff, which in March seemed doable and like a great idea! On top of this, I do not like my hair. Yes, I know, it's hair. Who cares. But if I feel ugly in my hair, then the world crashes around me, my self esteem plummets, and it begins a downward spiral. Fortunately, really for the first time ever, I've identified exactly what it is I do not like and why, and I am not waiting out of fear of hurting the hairdresser's feelings to get it fixed immediately. Unfortunately it will probably cost me, but it's my fault in the first place (he did exactly what I asked him to do, and it's a lovely color and cut but blah, blah, blah). Normally I wait a couple of weeks to see if I'll settle in to it, but I won't this time, and I know why, and rather walk around for two weeks feeling like shit about myself and not getting anything done, I'm fixing it tomorrow. At least I can get it fixed before school starts.
And then there's that. The start of the quarter. Meetings on Tuesday. Classes for me start Friday. Ridiculous.
I have a naive hope that the new house will help me to be more productive. (Although the time I need to be super productive is right now,this month, a mad dash for all the things). Why? There's more space, for one. In theory I should have a place to actually sit and work. Two, our hope is that as we move, we are getting rid of things that we do not need, do not want, have no place in our lives, including the storage unit. Also, the hubs has a storage cage at work that we can use for a while, so we can store stuff there and we have easier access to it to go through stuff and cull our possessions. This is helpful because we are going to start moving stuff today to make room in the house. So maybe perhaps as there is more room in here as we begin the moving process, the more I'll be able to get done because there will be less clutter here.
Because we're not draining our savings on a bad loan, we will be able to hire actual furniture movers this time, so that's wonderful! That is going to be the best thing ever!! So when it is time to move, that will make moving day go so much faster and less stressful on us.
Anyway, there's the haps y'all. Have a great weekend!
Since the short sale is the hindrance to any kind of legit loan (which took a while to realize, sadly, because neither of us are financially savvy), so the sellers agreed to do a lease to purchase with us so that we have time for the short sale to go away, time to save, and we still get the house, and they do not make two mortgage payments. So for all intents and purposes, we are buying the house. We move this month.
What the fuck am I doing??!! Moving while trying to write a book chapter due at the end of September (which, um, yeah more on that below), tenure portfolio due in October, and since I foolishly perhaps thought that I'd be done with all of this stuff before now, I radically altered a course and am teaching a bunch of new stuff, which in March seemed doable and like a great idea! On top of this, I do not like my hair. Yes, I know, it's hair. Who cares. But if I feel ugly in my hair, then the world crashes around me, my self esteem plummets, and it begins a downward spiral. Fortunately, really for the first time ever, I've identified exactly what it is I do not like and why, and I am not waiting out of fear of hurting the hairdresser's feelings to get it fixed immediately. Unfortunately it will probably cost me, but it's my fault in the first place (he did exactly what I asked him to do, and it's a lovely color and cut but blah, blah, blah). Normally I wait a couple of weeks to see if I'll settle in to it, but I won't this time, and I know why, and rather walk around for two weeks feeling like shit about myself and not getting anything done, I'm fixing it tomorrow. At least I can get it fixed before school starts.
And then there's that. The start of the quarter. Meetings on Tuesday. Classes for me start Friday. Ridiculous.
I have a naive hope that the new house will help me to be more productive. (Although the time I need to be super productive is right now,this month, a mad dash for all the things). Why? There's more space, for one. In theory I should have a place to actually sit and work. Two, our hope is that as we move, we are getting rid of things that we do not need, do not want, have no place in our lives, including the storage unit. Also, the hubs has a storage cage at work that we can use for a while, so we can store stuff there and we have easier access to it to go through stuff and cull our possessions. This is helpful because we are going to start moving stuff today to make room in the house. So maybe perhaps as there is more room in here as we begin the moving process, the more I'll be able to get done because there will be less clutter here.
Because we're not draining our savings on a bad loan, we will be able to hire actual furniture movers this time, so that's wonderful! That is going to be the best thing ever!! So when it is time to move, that will make moving day go so much faster and less stressful on us.
Anyway, there's the haps y'all. Have a great weekend!
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