I'm struggling with this damn pedagogy article that is supposed to be due today. I'm actually in my office waaaaaaay early to be working on it, but the truth is, I will have an hour in class while the stu's are working on their essays and then roughly another office hour after class to keep working.
Right now, the article makes my students sound like dullards, and I sound like an asshole.
So I will work on it for another 90-120 minutes today. Then I will email the editor (who I know, and I'm actually the one that set the July 1 deadline, not him), and ask for another couple of days. I think with maybe another week, like say until Friday, I can get this straightened out. But right now it's still just such a mess that it's causing some writer's block.
Wish me luck. I don't want to take too much longer with it because I need to get started on other things pronto. And I don't want this bad boy hanging over my head.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
The Light at the end of the Tunnel
I feel like I'm perhaps on the upswing here. Had some good work outs this week. On top of grading and stuff thus far (a set of drafts come in today, and I will crank those out before afternoon). I got about 900 crappy words written yesterday, for the article due Monday (yeah, up pressure cooker anyone?? ha! and it only needs to be 2000-3000 words), so that did make me feel a little bit better.
I have a feeling though that some students have just fizzled out and I do wonder if I'll get a complete set of drafts or not this morning. We shall see what happens.
Today I really need to try to clean this place up, or start cleaning this place up. It's gross. Seriously. I'm embarrassed. But with the pace of this course, the exhaustion, a week of being sick, two dogs who are majorly shedding because of the heat, shit. It's more than a body can bear. But I will make a valiant effort this afternoon when I'm done grading. I will open a bottle of wine, prep the food for tonight, and drink and clean because cleaning is always better and doable with wine.
Totally unrelated--but does anyone out there watch Hell's Kitchen by chance? First of all, I LURVE Gordan Ramsay (say what you will--I get taken to task on this all of the freaking time, so whatever. I love him). But I hate this season. This is the first season I'm pulling for the men, and I find more of the women this season to be complete irredeemable human beings. They are so so gross. And I can accept that it's done for ratings and for entertainment, but as I was catching up on the show yesterday afternoon, I had to stop watching. They are seriously so disgusting that I can't even enjoy the spectacle of the show anymore. Like really? That's how you want to present yourself to a national audience and to people to are already your clients or patrons? Or am I seriously just getting old? Or is it a combination of both? I can't tell.
Anyway, four more days of actually showing up to campus left. Three more days of class time, one of which is peer review, the other two of which are in class writing for the entire class so they can work on their essays and ask questions as they're writing. And then I'm done! Except for grading, but I'm done! Yippee! That leaves me two months to write my monster (literally and figuratively) article and start developing the other one and prep for the fall class and work on a course proposal. And while the husband is in class and doing homework, I will do my own work. I certainly have to make a schedule for that, but I'll worry about that when this is done. But I'm so close to being finished with this quarter I can hardly contain myself!!
P.S. I also love the new Dallas. I DVR'd last night's episode so I'm not up to date yet, but I hope it sticks around. I'm giddy with nostalgic delight.
I have a feeling though that some students have just fizzled out and I do wonder if I'll get a complete set of drafts or not this morning. We shall see what happens.
Today I really need to try to clean this place up, or start cleaning this place up. It's gross. Seriously. I'm embarrassed. But with the pace of this course, the exhaustion, a week of being sick, two dogs who are majorly shedding because of the heat, shit. It's more than a body can bear. But I will make a valiant effort this afternoon when I'm done grading. I will open a bottle of wine, prep the food for tonight, and drink and clean because cleaning is always better and doable with wine.
Totally unrelated--but does anyone out there watch Hell's Kitchen by chance? First of all, I LURVE Gordan Ramsay (say what you will--I get taken to task on this all of the freaking time, so whatever. I love him). But I hate this season. This is the first season I'm pulling for the men, and I find more of the women this season to be complete irredeemable human beings. They are so so gross. And I can accept that it's done for ratings and for entertainment, but as I was catching up on the show yesterday afternoon, I had to stop watching. They are seriously so disgusting that I can't even enjoy the spectacle of the show anymore. Like really? That's how you want to present yourself to a national audience and to people to are already your clients or patrons? Or am I seriously just getting old? Or is it a combination of both? I can't tell.
Anyway, four more days of actually showing up to campus left. Three more days of class time, one of which is peer review, the other two of which are in class writing for the entire class so they can work on their essays and ask questions as they're writing. And then I'm done! Except for grading, but I'm done! Yippee! That leaves me two months to write my monster (literally and figuratively) article and start developing the other one and prep for the fall class and work on a course proposal. And while the husband is in class and doing homework, I will do my own work. I certainly have to make a schedule for that, but I'll worry about that when this is done. But I'm so close to being finished with this quarter I can hardly contain myself!!
P.S. I also love the new Dallas. I DVR'd last night's episode so I'm not up to date yet, but I hope it sticks around. I'm giddy with nostalgic delight.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Grading Blues
Honestly, I'm glad I didn't bust my ass Friday to get these drafts done. Out of 21 papers, I had 9 Fs (that's including the one student who's never shown up but is still enrolled for whatever reason). The Bs outnumbered the Cs for the remaining half of students and there was one A and one D. Many of the students with Bs improved their grades from essay 1.
Part of me feels like if half the class has failed, then it's my fault. That there was something wrong with the assignment or the way I taught this. But in the interest of trying make myself not feel like a loser bad summer teacher, here's what I noticed about these Fs:
All but 2 of the students who earned Fs do not participate in class. A couple are usually on their phones texting the entire class period, and I don't usually see their books. Nor have they indicated that they are even keeping up with the reading. And the videos we watched for their essays--well, they were not the students taking notes (which is clear by the fact that these students got a lot of information wrong. I guess if you're sleeping, it's hard to get the correct information). Another thing that I noticed, too, was that for the most part, their final drafts were almost exactly the same as their rough drafts, only they just added a page. So despite my providing very specific comments on the draft, the students who earned Fs did nothing to the first halves of their essays and just added more plot summary, more speculation about what might happen if things were different than what we talked about. A couple had no conclusion. One had an introductory paragraph that was one sentence. Not a single one of these students came to see me either about the comments or their drafts. Also, we had a thesis workshop day. We spent the entire day on thesis statements. We worked in groups with their actual thesis statements, and we workshopped as an entire class. We went over different strategies for writing a thesis statement, and I sent them home with a handout that they had to do to get them to keep working on the thesis statement and basically have them outline what examples they were going to use to support said thesis statement. Not a single one of these F papers changed their thesis statements from the rough draft. And not a single one of them has gone to the writing center either for help.
Lots are still struggling with the concept of the thesis statement still, and they have a chance to revise before the end of the quarter next week. We'll see what happens. But of the remainder, I can at least see the change in drafts to get to more of an argument. And we'll work on thesis statements again tomorrow and prewriting strategies some more so they can formulate an argument for essay 3.
So am I supposed to feel bad about those students who are clearly not putting in the effort? Yes, I know there are all kinds of reasons why students don't do the work and freak out about writing (I'm freaking out about my own writing right now), but if the students are ignoring the comments, not taking advantage of my office hours, not participating, and not even changing the rough draft for the final draft, what in the world else can I do besides write the paper for them (which I feel I practically do when I say things in class like "For your paper, you need to do x, y, and z. And here's exactly how you do it."). Nothing causes me more pain in my teaching than comp. Or is all of this just my lame ass attempt in trying to make myself not feel like a total failure of a professor when I actually am. I will admit, I do wish that I had more energy to give to them, and I do feel like exhaustion has affected my teaching in the classroom somewhat, but it hasn't affected my feedback or my availability. But again, is that just my lame ass attempt to hide the fact that I might suck these last two comp quarters?
Part of me feels like if half the class has failed, then it's my fault. That there was something wrong with the assignment or the way I taught this. But in the interest of trying make myself not feel like a loser bad summer teacher, here's what I noticed about these Fs:
All but 2 of the students who earned Fs do not participate in class. A couple are usually on their phones texting the entire class period, and I don't usually see their books. Nor have they indicated that they are even keeping up with the reading. And the videos we watched for their essays--well, they were not the students taking notes (which is clear by the fact that these students got a lot of information wrong. I guess if you're sleeping, it's hard to get the correct information). Another thing that I noticed, too, was that for the most part, their final drafts were almost exactly the same as their rough drafts, only they just added a page. So despite my providing very specific comments on the draft, the students who earned Fs did nothing to the first halves of their essays and just added more plot summary, more speculation about what might happen if things were different than what we talked about. A couple had no conclusion. One had an introductory paragraph that was one sentence. Not a single one of these students came to see me either about the comments or their drafts. Also, we had a thesis workshop day. We spent the entire day on thesis statements. We worked in groups with their actual thesis statements, and we workshopped as an entire class. We went over different strategies for writing a thesis statement, and I sent them home with a handout that they had to do to get them to keep working on the thesis statement and basically have them outline what examples they were going to use to support said thesis statement. Not a single one of these F papers changed their thesis statements from the rough draft. And not a single one of them has gone to the writing center either for help.
Lots are still struggling with the concept of the thesis statement still, and they have a chance to revise before the end of the quarter next week. We'll see what happens. But of the remainder, I can at least see the change in drafts to get to more of an argument. And we'll work on thesis statements again tomorrow and prewriting strategies some more so they can formulate an argument for essay 3.
So am I supposed to feel bad about those students who are clearly not putting in the effort? Yes, I know there are all kinds of reasons why students don't do the work and freak out about writing (I'm freaking out about my own writing right now), but if the students are ignoring the comments, not taking advantage of my office hours, not participating, and not even changing the rough draft for the final draft, what in the world else can I do besides write the paper for them (which I feel I practically do when I say things in class like "For your paper, you need to do x, y, and z. And here's exactly how you do it."). Nothing causes me more pain in my teaching than comp. Or is all of this just my lame ass attempt in trying to make myself not feel like a total failure of a professor when I actually am. I will admit, I do wish that I had more energy to give to them, and I do feel like exhaustion has affected my teaching in the classroom somewhat, but it hasn't affected my feedback or my availability. But again, is that just my lame ass attempt to hide the fact that I might suck these last two comp quarters?
Monday, June 25, 2012
Light at the end of the tunnel.
I have decided that today will not be a marathon grading session.
I will get through as many drafts as I can during my office hours. And then I will finish them tomorrow. I'm hoping to get through at least 10.
I have a marathon draft commenting day on Thursday. I'll save my energies for that.
Today we look at an essay. Tomorrow we finish the movie and talk about it in context of today's essay. Wednesday is a short essay we read. Then from here on out, all I do is look at drafts. No more prep.
The end is in sight.
While I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, I feel okay this morning. Okay enough to go for a run before class since it's like 100 in the afternoons now, there's no way I'm running after class.
Also, I think there may have been something going around over here, contributing to my exhaustion and its accompanying depression. One of my friends has been sick all week and battling a 101 degree fever! And the husband said there were a couple of cases of strep throat at drill. And a few of my students have been sick enough to end up in the doctor's office--a couple twice already! So maybe I had a bug. I'm glad it wasn't worse than it was! Although I did feel like the world was ending.
All right. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, contemplate my day, and then run, teach, grade, and then consider cleaning and putting things away when I get home, since I'm not going to kill myself grading this afternoon. I feel like I need the house clean so that I can focus on writing that little article that's due in a week.
I will get through as many drafts as I can during my office hours. And then I will finish them tomorrow. I'm hoping to get through at least 10.
I have a marathon draft commenting day on Thursday. I'll save my energies for that.
Today we look at an essay. Tomorrow we finish the movie and talk about it in context of today's essay. Wednesday is a short essay we read. Then from here on out, all I do is look at drafts. No more prep.
The end is in sight.
While I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, I feel okay this morning. Okay enough to go for a run before class since it's like 100 in the afternoons now, there's no way I'm running after class.
Also, I think there may have been something going around over here, contributing to my exhaustion and its accompanying depression. One of my friends has been sick all week and battling a 101 degree fever! And the husband said there were a couple of cases of strep throat at drill. And a few of my students have been sick enough to end up in the doctor's office--a couple twice already! So maybe I had a bug. I'm glad it wasn't worse than it was! Although I did feel like the world was ending.
All right. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, contemplate my day, and then run, teach, grade, and then consider cleaning and putting things away when I get home, since I'm not going to kill myself grading this afternoon. I feel like I need the house clean so that I can focus on writing that little article that's due in a week.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Update
Taking Friday off and going to the movies after class was a great idea. Sure, I was exhausted Friday, and probably less than enthusiastic about going to the movies than I normally am (considering I had been waiting for months for this!--it was great, btw. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Really well done I thought). But, I came home, caught up on some DVRd shows, had some leftovers, lounged, and went to bed early. Glorious. I woke up yesterday feeling well rested for the first time in a looooooooong time. I worked out for the first time since Tuesday and was not wiped out by it. Helped a friend with his moving (barely. I'm a loser. Since I hadn't been feeling well all week, I gave myself permission to take my time getting going yesterday. And I really wanted to run. By the time I got there, there was little left for me to help with). Anyway, picked up a few things at the grocery, came home, vegged some more, and then opened a bottle of wine, straightened up the kitchen then started working on dinner and prepping tonight's meal. And I got a pretty good night's sleep last night, too. I'll work out here in a little bit, go the g'parents', hope that the husband gets home at a decent hour this afternoon, and I'll read what I'm teaching tomorrow before bed. I've taught it twice already, so it's not anything major. And tomorrow I'll start working on those essays.
What a difference two nights of sleep make. Friday night, because I had pain in my neck, I thought for sure, with the exhaustion and all that I must have mono. When I woke up feeling rested yesterday morning, I figured that's probably not the case.
I hope I'm on the upswing here. Only 1.5 weeks of class left to go and an article due next Monday. I can do this.
What a difference two nights of sleep make. Friday night, because I had pain in my neck, I thought for sure, with the exhaustion and all that I must have mono. When I woke up feeling rested yesterday morning, I figured that's probably not the case.
I hope I'm on the upswing here. Only 1.5 weeks of class left to go and an article due next Monday. I can do this.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Exhausted.
I feel like I may indeed be close to the point of exhaustion. Clearly I think if I had full on actual like clinical exhaustion, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. But I'm not there yet. Even though I had been diligent about grading essays the day they came in, that is like finishing them within hours of collecting them, I am going to take a break today. What this means then is that I'll end up, the last week of classes then probably collecting essays on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I'm willing to put that off for the sake of my sanity and health right now.
Part of the problem is that I'm not sleeping well at all. And that's just exacerbating the problem. My body is reacting to the stress right now in very weird ways. No cause for alarm, really. Everything that might be classified as out of the ordinary has one common explanation--exhaustion. Plus add this bout of anxiety and depression, and voila! There you go. And honestly, even though I've been blowing off academic and teaching work in the afternoons when I get home, when I get home, I end up spending an hour cleaning the kitchen or grocery shopping or cooking or something, so when I come home, I don't always rest like I should. What I need to do is just take a long nap. But since I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been letting myself take naps during the afternoon because I don't want it to further disrupt sleep. But for the remainder of the quarter, I'm not going to be so stingy. And I'm just taking this weekend off.
If I get a good night's sleep tonight and feel good and rested in the morning (which may or may not be possible) then I'd like to get up, work out in the morning (I haven't been able to work out, even slightly since Tuesday), like maybe just a slow 30 minute run to do something, and then grade for an hour--just so I'm not so totally overwhelmed on Monday. Then I'd like to repeat on Sunday before getting to the g'parents' house. While I should just take the whole weekend off to rest/not grade, I know if I have the entire stack waiting on Monday, then I'm going to feel overwhelmed coming into the week, and the drafts I pick up Thursday *have* to be done by Thursday afternoon because they need to be able to start working on the final drafts in class on Friday morning.
Sheesh. This exhaustion is partly my fault. I set a crazy ass pace for this course. No wonder I'm feeling like death on a cracker my friends. But, what am I supposed to do? four essays in six weeks with revision opportunities is a lot.
And I can tell you, what will probably happen is that I will grade some this afternoon because I don't want the drafts hanging over my head. But I really want to go to the movies first this afternoon, like right after class is over. And I will. I'm dying to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as you may or may not know that I'm a HUGE fan of the book and of Seth Grahame-Smith. I waited to see Prometheus for when the husband had about 36 hours of leave time, but I told him I was going to AL:VH without him because I can't wait another week or so to see it. I *MUST* see it today friends. And while I should come home from class and nap rather than going to the movies, I'm going to go to the movies.
And probably what's going to happen, because the thought of those essays being around all weekend, is that as soon as I take the dogs out, I'm going to start working on them. I think what I needed to do was give myself permission not to do them to make myself feel better, and in doing so, I'm probably going to just bust right though them. I just don't want to have to think about them all weekend. And if I'm up and not able to work out, then I should see how many drafts I can get through before class starts. I don't really want to, but I may as well.
ETA: You know what? Now that I'm showered and have had breakfast, I feel like I'm thinking more clearly. I am going to take the day off. I thought I'd sit and grade for 70 minutes or so, teach, go to the movies, come home and grade maybe for an hour and then call it a night. But no. I'm helping a friend move tomorrow and I should clean the house tomorrow too since I didn't the last time the husband had a brief amount of time off. So no. Aside from teaching, I'm taking the day off. So I'm going to read for fun!! right now and enjoy my coffee before it's time to go teach. I have to say, I already feel a little bit better. And we're watching a movie in class today, too, so it's low impact all around. I am going to relax.
Part of the problem is that I'm not sleeping well at all. And that's just exacerbating the problem. My body is reacting to the stress right now in very weird ways. No cause for alarm, really. Everything that might be classified as out of the ordinary has one common explanation--exhaustion. Plus add this bout of anxiety and depression, and voila! There you go. And honestly, even though I've been blowing off academic and teaching work in the afternoons when I get home, when I get home, I end up spending an hour cleaning the kitchen or grocery shopping or cooking or something, so when I come home, I don't always rest like I should. What I need to do is just take a long nap. But since I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been letting myself take naps during the afternoon because I don't want it to further disrupt sleep. But for the remainder of the quarter, I'm not going to be so stingy. And I'm just taking this weekend off.
If I get a good night's sleep tonight and feel good and rested in the morning (which may or may not be possible) then I'd like to get up, work out in the morning (I haven't been able to work out, even slightly since Tuesday), like maybe just a slow 30 minute run to do something, and then grade for an hour--just so I'm not so totally overwhelmed on Monday. Then I'd like to repeat on Sunday before getting to the g'parents' house. While I should just take the whole weekend off to rest/not grade, I know if I have the entire stack waiting on Monday, then I'm going to feel overwhelmed coming into the week, and the drafts I pick up Thursday *have* to be done by Thursday afternoon because they need to be able to start working on the final drafts in class on Friday morning.
Sheesh. This exhaustion is partly my fault. I set a crazy ass pace for this course. No wonder I'm feeling like death on a cracker my friends. But, what am I supposed to do? four essays in six weeks with revision opportunities is a lot.
And I can tell you, what will probably happen is that I will grade some this afternoon because I don't want the drafts hanging over my head. But I really want to go to the movies first this afternoon, like right after class is over. And I will. I'm dying to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as you may or may not know that I'm a HUGE fan of the book and of Seth Grahame-Smith. I waited to see Prometheus for when the husband had about 36 hours of leave time, but I told him I was going to AL:VH without him because I can't wait another week or so to see it. I *MUST* see it today friends. And while I should come home from class and nap rather than going to the movies, I'm going to go to the movies.
And probably what's going to happen, because the thought of those essays being around all weekend, is that as soon as I take the dogs out, I'm going to start working on them. I think what I needed to do was give myself permission not to do them to make myself feel better, and in doing so, I'm probably going to just bust right though them. I just don't want to have to think about them all weekend. And if I'm up and not able to work out, then I should see how many drafts I can get through before class starts. I don't really want to, but I may as well.
ETA: You know what? Now that I'm showered and have had breakfast, I feel like I'm thinking more clearly. I am going to take the day off. I thought I'd sit and grade for 70 minutes or so, teach, go to the movies, come home and grade maybe for an hour and then call it a night. But no. I'm helping a friend move tomorrow and I should clean the house tomorrow too since I didn't the last time the husband had a brief amount of time off. So no. Aside from teaching, I'm taking the day off. So I'm going to read for fun!! right now and enjoy my coffee before it's time to go teach. I have to say, I already feel a little bit better. And we're watching a movie in class today, too, so it's low impact all around. I am going to relax.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Summer Blues
Argh! I am so incredibly freaking depressed right now! And it's frustrating and a giant pain in the ass folks. It is seriously like a constant freaking struggle every single damn day. It's exhausting and annoying. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I am going to bed at a decent hour. I'm getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night. I'm cooking super healthy meals at least 5 times a week (triple that to include breakfast and lunch), and while my workouts have been slipping because I'm so freaking ass depressed, I'm still getting at least four workouts in a week even though some mornings I wake up and I want to cry. AND I'm taking my meds again! I'm keeping up very admirably I might say with the class--like I grade drafts or comment on drafts the moment I pick them up so there is same day delivery because they need to get them back so they have time to revise if they want and so I don't have a gazillion drafts to grade the last week of classes. I'm doing everything right! And yet, I've been watching Scrubs and Friends for the last two weeks weeping during every.single.episode. That's just like sadness wrapped in shame right there friends.
Generally, I'd be freaking out. Especially since I have oh a little article due on July 1st. The one I had been struggling with. Yeah, I haven't touched it since classes started. I guess that needs to be a priority this weekend and next week. It needs to be priority at this moment, but I don't have the energy.
I am one hundred million percent just burned out. Just totally and completely burned the fuck out right now. I mean, I am totally and completely fried. I never ever ever want to *have* to or *need* to teach over the summer again. I think it might be different if this were like gravy, like extra, like we were going to use the money for vacation or to pay off a credit card or something. But that fact that we need this to pay our regular bills aggravates and depresses me. Yes, I'm thankful that I get summer teaching. But no, I don't want to do it.
The thing that's the most frustrating is that there are things that I want to do right now, things I feel like working on, but I'm actually pretty much incapacitated. Like it feels like a physical barrier actively pushing me down that I can't quite overcome to get done what needs to get done. Like yesterday I finally went to the grocery. I was so overwhelmed with grocery shopping that I nearly broke down in the store.
I need this quarter to be over. Pronto. I'm glad I had enough foresight to make the end of the quarter as easy for me as possible while still making sure that the students learn what they need to. And that's the thing--they're a good class. Better than I expected for the summer quarter. And I feel bad that I don't have more energy to give to them. I feel like I should reprepping all the stuff I just taught a few weeks ago in the Spring (which is ridiculous, and I chose a lot of the stuff I did in the spring to make it easier on me). I haven't felt this way in a while. Yeah, I was totally frustrated with last quarter's 101 class, like totally resentful of their attitude because it really was just a shitty class and I know that now because I'm doing all the same things that I did last quarter, I'm actually depressed this quarter, and I have better student engagement, better productivity during group work, and an overall better attitude about the class. What's changed? Not my teaching style, but the students. Anyway, I don't think that they think they deserve more at least. But I haven't felt like this in a while. This is more like the dissertation writing funk I was in. It's different than how I felt in Fancy Town--there I was just miserable on top of depressed and I didn't give a shit about being productive or really cared toward the end of the year last year about anything really (except my friends). But during the dissertation you know, I just felt incapacitated. I wanted to work but physically couldn't. And that's how I feel now.
Sure, just like then if I had spend the time working that I have on this blog post then I might have accomplished something this morning, but that's different. I am trying to accomplish something with this post--psyching myself up to face the day.
Generally, I'd be freaking out. Especially since I have oh a little article due on July 1st. The one I had been struggling with. Yeah, I haven't touched it since classes started. I guess that needs to be a priority this weekend and next week. It needs to be priority at this moment, but I don't have the energy.
I am one hundred million percent just burned out. Just totally and completely burned the fuck out right now. I mean, I am totally and completely fried. I never ever ever want to *have* to or *need* to teach over the summer again. I think it might be different if this were like gravy, like extra, like we were going to use the money for vacation or to pay off a credit card or something. But that fact that we need this to pay our regular bills aggravates and depresses me. Yes, I'm thankful that I get summer teaching. But no, I don't want to do it.
The thing that's the most frustrating is that there are things that I want to do right now, things I feel like working on, but I'm actually pretty much incapacitated. Like it feels like a physical barrier actively pushing me down that I can't quite overcome to get done what needs to get done. Like yesterday I finally went to the grocery. I was so overwhelmed with grocery shopping that I nearly broke down in the store.
I need this quarter to be over. Pronto. I'm glad I had enough foresight to make the end of the quarter as easy for me as possible while still making sure that the students learn what they need to. And that's the thing--they're a good class. Better than I expected for the summer quarter. And I feel bad that I don't have more energy to give to them. I feel like I should reprepping all the stuff I just taught a few weeks ago in the Spring (which is ridiculous, and I chose a lot of the stuff I did in the spring to make it easier on me). I haven't felt this way in a while. Yeah, I was totally frustrated with last quarter's 101 class, like totally resentful of their attitude because it really was just a shitty class and I know that now because I'm doing all the same things that I did last quarter, I'm actually depressed this quarter, and I have better student engagement, better productivity during group work, and an overall better attitude about the class. What's changed? Not my teaching style, but the students. Anyway, I don't think that they think they deserve more at least. But I haven't felt like this in a while. This is more like the dissertation writing funk I was in. It's different than how I felt in Fancy Town--there I was just miserable on top of depressed and I didn't give a shit about being productive or really cared toward the end of the year last year about anything really (except my friends). But during the dissertation you know, I just felt incapacitated. I wanted to work but physically couldn't. And that's how I feel now.
Sure, just like then if I had spend the time working that I have on this blog post then I might have accomplished something this morning, but that's different. I am trying to accomplish something with this post--psyching myself up to face the day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)