The Great Purge of 2015 has begun.
I think I have come closer to figuring out the sources of my discontent.
I have too much stuff. I do. I spend so much time cleaning and organizing only to find my stuff multiplying (it seems) and collecting dust and I look around my house and I feel stifled and trapped. So, I think part of the problem is the excess amount of stuff I have.
I have hoarding tendencies. I do not want to become a hoarder.
I'm done "organizing" stuff. I'm ready to get rid of stuff.
My ongoing discontentedness is making me depressed. It's prohibiting me from work, from weight loss, from getting things done. I just sort of sulk and I have found that I don't really like being around anybody except my husband and kid. But I've found that my temper is shorter with them, and I don't want to be one of those parents who loses patients with a toddler simply because she's a toddler (like last night). This just makes me feel guilty and worse and perpetuates the problem.
I feel cluttered. My existence feels cluttered.
I am going to work toward a kind of minimalism, a rational or practical minimalism. I probably won't purge my DVDs or books. And I will continue to hang on to much of the Magpie's stuff (if/when there's a second kid, that will probably change). But for me, papers, clothes, shoes, junk, things from old boyfriends, things I've attached meaning to but actually have no meaning, that stuff I will be purging.
It is hard though. On Monday I went through some clothes, knick knacks and jewelry (fashion jewelry, farmer's market stuff, too) and oh my god. It was hard. I cried three times. It's difficult to let things go. I kept asking J if it was okay to get rid of x or y or whatever. And then I stuffed my face at dinner. I totally emotionally ate after my first "purge." I knew why I was eating, too, and there really was little I could do about it. (A large part of this as well is I think PMS behind the scenes here).
I'm reserving Mondays for this type of cleaning during the summer. I may add Friday this week to the list too because we've got people coming in for the Magpie's SECOND birthday (2 years! Oh my), and I'd like to get some stuff in the den and in the kitchen taken care of.
I honestly expect that it will take me close to six months to accomplish this.
I'm hoping the purging of the useless things will help me to have better focus on my health and my work. I think it will help my attitude towards life, too. And we are hoping to buy a house here within the next year, so the less stuff we have to move, the better that will be. We'll have more space when people come over. We'll have less to clean, wash, whatever. Really I just want more space. There's just too much stuff.
I think if I have a cleaner, less cluttered environment, I'll be able to focus better on work because I won't be thinking that I need to clean or straighten or whatever.
I've also decided that even though it's summertime, I am going to workout early--like the 5 am class (it's really small right now, too), so that way, by this time of day I can get be working. I have a July 15th deadline (which needs to be July 10th since I'm going out of town on the 12th), so that takes priority here. But again, I will be able to focus so much better once things are less cluttered and crazy here.
On that note, I will get the laundry started, meditate, then get to work until lunch time.
Showing posts with label getting things done. Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting things done. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Friday, May 31, 2013
Better!
FedEx found my package. The guy delivered it to the wrong address, which I suspected, but I didn't want to wander around my neighborhood knocking on doors asking if my package had accidentally been delivered to them. But FedEx found it. Quite quickly, too, I might add. I was impressed. I'll stop bad mouthing them behind closed doors.
I feel confident, too, that I've found a hairdresser here. She can do highlights/lowlights AND cut hair! She can cut my hair!! And I like her because she's not afraid of me. She has confidence in her abilities and knows that she knows what she's doing and that she's the expert. And I like that. And she can interpret what I want. So I think she'll do. Which is great. I mean, up until now, it's been fine just waiting until we go to Home City to my girl there, but now that the kid is on the way, I imagine our travels to and fro are not going to be as frequent, so I do need to find someone here who knows what she's doing because I'm vain.
Miss T's neck seems to be going down in the swelling category. Old girl does not seem to be in distress, so we're still monitoring her, but all seems fine with the old girl. Except the heat. I need to start walking her around the yard during the afternoons, but stubborn girl wants to walk, but I can tell the heat affects her. We're going to have to work on that.
Every single item of baby clothing/stuff with the exception of one large blanket is washed. Some tidying needs to be done, the co-sleeper assembled, and the car seat installed, but other than that, I feel like we're pretty well set here to receive the child--being parents? That's a different story. But I'm totally enamored with how cute those tiny little diapers are! Of course I know they're cute until they're full. Ha!
I think that end of pregnancy nesting thing has kicked in. I was wide awake until about midnight last night. I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep, but I'm wide awake and not tired today either.
So today, here's what I need to do:
I feel confident, too, that I've found a hairdresser here. She can do highlights/lowlights AND cut hair! She can cut my hair!! And I like her because she's not afraid of me. She has confidence in her abilities and knows that she knows what she's doing and that she's the expert. And I like that. And she can interpret what I want. So I think she'll do. Which is great. I mean, up until now, it's been fine just waiting until we go to Home City to my girl there, but now that the kid is on the way, I imagine our travels to and fro are not going to be as frequent, so I do need to find someone here who knows what she's doing because I'm vain.
Miss T's neck seems to be going down in the swelling category. Old girl does not seem to be in distress, so we're still monitoring her, but all seems fine with the old girl. Except the heat. I need to start walking her around the yard during the afternoons, but stubborn girl wants to walk, but I can tell the heat affects her. We're going to have to work on that.
Every single item of baby clothing/stuff with the exception of one large blanket is washed. Some tidying needs to be done, the co-sleeper assembled, and the car seat installed, but other than that, I feel like we're pretty well set here to receive the child--being parents? That's a different story. But I'm totally enamored with how cute those tiny little diapers are! Of course I know they're cute until they're full. Ha!
I think that end of pregnancy nesting thing has kicked in. I was wide awake until about midnight last night. I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep, but I'm wide awake and not tired today either.
So today, here's what I need to do:
- Mani/pedi--for sure.
- Pick up some t-shirts I ordered from CrossFit that have been in for over a week.
- Grocery shop.
- Prep food.
- Vacuum.
- Change sheets.
- Get crib bedding set up.
- Stop by cell phone store to find out why my blue tooth doesn't work on my new phone.
I also need to get some good freezable paleo recipes that I can make and start stock piling food in the next week or so. Ideally, I'd like to have 3 months worth of paleo dinners in the freezer. That may be a lofty goal, but I'm going to do what I can. At least all the movies for the camp I'm doing next week are the same as the ones this week, so there's not much I need to do other than show up.
We're about 29 days from hatch date here. I guess this is the home stretch.
We're about 29 days from hatch date here. I guess this is the home stretch.
And I think on that note, I'll have some breakfast, walk the mutts, get ready, and then get that mani/pedi first. Priorities, yo.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Weekend To Do
I have a lot to do this weekend. I'm hoping some accountability blogging might help because I need to make a "to do" list and work on my calendar for the week, but I'd use that right now as a reason to avoid other work. It's a long list, too. But I'm not going to go to my g'parents' this weekend because since I've been sick this week, I'm behind and stressed, and I want to get caught up so that I do not prolong any illness.
To do:
To do:
- Finish Tuesday's novel--making progress
- Begin Thursday's novel
- Read/prep for this week's survey class
Meal planBuy groceriesMeal prepWork outDept. party- Clean--making progress
- Laundry--making progress
- Work on the ever in-progress organizational stuff so that I can stay on top of things like bills, work, research, etc.
- When work is done this weekend, work on calendar for next two weeks
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Rethinking my goals and possibilities
Well, I still have yet to actually get anything done or make any progress on anything so far this week, but today, I promise that changes!
While I am 100 million % not ready for school to start (as in I don't want to go back to work, and I'm totally unprepared for classes to begin), I think I actually NEED school to start so that I have some structure here.
Perhaps I need to rethink summers. I got more written and read during the year when I was teaching than I have during this whole time that I've not been teaching. Perhaps summer is not a good "catch up on all the stuff I didn't get done during the year time." Maybe I got pretty decent at getting work done during the year that I just don't want to do anything else during the summer.
Maybe that sounds like a total cop out. I know for 99% of you, summer is when stuff gets done even if you are productive during the year. I'm jealous of that, actually. I would have liked to have knocked out my articles this summer. But one thing that I'm really, I mean REALLY trying to work on right now is the way I think about things. I mean, I think what I need to do for next summer is set a goal right off the bat. I won't be teaching--let me rephrase that--I do not plan on teaching since the J has a job, so I feel confident in saying that I'm not going to teach next summer. I think what I need to do is just say, "okay, from 9-12, M-F, I work--I will read and write things related to the work I want to do." And I will have to have a plan before the end of Spring Quarter.
While I have been down on myself about the lack of academic stuff I've done this summer, I have enjoyed spending the summer focusing on myself. I've gotten really good at cooking and meal planning (not that I always meal plan). I've gotten closer to my fitness and health goals. All things that will have a positive effect on what I hope to get done during the year.
Even though I felt this was an all important summer on getting research done, I think that was part of the problem--total self sabotage in this area. I made the work momentous and huge and prematurely too important. If this were my fourth summer and I were still where I am, then yes, this summer probably would have made or broke me in terms of my ability to get tenure. But as often happens with me, I totally shut down under the weight of importance.
That being said, it is imperative that I get something out by the time Spring Quarter starts and that I do try to get something else out by next October. I feel confident that I can meet those goals, and that I'll still be making good progress toward the tenure qualifications. (I have about 34 of the required 50 page minimum right now. Trick will not be in the writing, but in getting things accepted--and by October, all 34 of those pages will actually be IN PRINT).
I like spending the summer learning and focusing on new, non-academic things. It's been refreshing not having to move, not having to deal with a deployment, not having to finish a dissertation while working at a crappy job or finishing a dissertation while scrapping by for food. This is the first summer I've had in a very long time that hasn't been filled with stress and anxiety requiring medication in one form or another. I've had my freak out moments (uh, like what Friday? Saturday?), and it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows, but maybe the chance to "just be" is what I needed. I'm healthier than I have been in my entire life.
So right now I need to map out a plan, some goals, a reading list, and deadlines (both long and short), come up with a plan of attack (I should do the same thing with our outstanding debt, too). I need to get to work on finishing those syllabi (the goal is to have them both done, with the schedule of assignments finished by Friday). And I need to get the first two novels for the novel class read by Saturday so I can be ahead of the game a little bit and start prepping them. I am freaking out a little bit about this class to be honest, but oh well. It's only 11 weeks.
And tomorrow I go start getting the "sugly" (summer ugly) sloughed off with a hair appointment, and I think I'm going to get my nails and toes done, too. Today though, I read and work on those syllabi.
While I am 100 million % not ready for school to start (as in I don't want to go back to work, and I'm totally unprepared for classes to begin), I think I actually NEED school to start so that I have some structure here.
Perhaps I need to rethink summers. I got more written and read during the year when I was teaching than I have during this whole time that I've not been teaching. Perhaps summer is not a good "catch up on all the stuff I didn't get done during the year time." Maybe I got pretty decent at getting work done during the year that I just don't want to do anything else during the summer.
Maybe that sounds like a total cop out. I know for 99% of you, summer is when stuff gets done even if you are productive during the year. I'm jealous of that, actually. I would have liked to have knocked out my articles this summer. But one thing that I'm really, I mean REALLY trying to work on right now is the way I think about things. I mean, I think what I need to do for next summer is set a goal right off the bat. I won't be teaching--let me rephrase that--I do not plan on teaching since the J has a job, so I feel confident in saying that I'm not going to teach next summer. I think what I need to do is just say, "okay, from 9-12, M-F, I work--I will read and write things related to the work I want to do." And I will have to have a plan before the end of Spring Quarter.
While I have been down on myself about the lack of academic stuff I've done this summer, I have enjoyed spending the summer focusing on myself. I've gotten really good at cooking and meal planning (not that I always meal plan). I've gotten closer to my fitness and health goals. All things that will have a positive effect on what I hope to get done during the year.
Even though I felt this was an all important summer on getting research done, I think that was part of the problem--total self sabotage in this area. I made the work momentous and huge and prematurely too important. If this were my fourth summer and I were still where I am, then yes, this summer probably would have made or broke me in terms of my ability to get tenure. But as often happens with me, I totally shut down under the weight of importance.
That being said, it is imperative that I get something out by the time Spring Quarter starts and that I do try to get something else out by next October. I feel confident that I can meet those goals, and that I'll still be making good progress toward the tenure qualifications. (I have about 34 of the required 50 page minimum right now. Trick will not be in the writing, but in getting things accepted--and by October, all 34 of those pages will actually be IN PRINT).
I like spending the summer learning and focusing on new, non-academic things. It's been refreshing not having to move, not having to deal with a deployment, not having to finish a dissertation while working at a crappy job or finishing a dissertation while scrapping by for food. This is the first summer I've had in a very long time that hasn't been filled with stress and anxiety requiring medication in one form or another. I've had my freak out moments (uh, like what Friday? Saturday?), and it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows, but maybe the chance to "just be" is what I needed. I'm healthier than I have been in my entire life.
So right now I need to map out a plan, some goals, a reading list, and deadlines (both long and short), come up with a plan of attack (I should do the same thing with our outstanding debt, too). I need to get to work on finishing those syllabi (the goal is to have them both done, with the schedule of assignments finished by Friday). And I need to get the first two novels for the novel class read by Saturday so I can be ahead of the game a little bit and start prepping them. I am freaking out a little bit about this class to be honest, but oh well. It's only 11 weeks.
And tomorrow I go start getting the "sugly" (summer ugly) sloughed off with a hair appointment, and I think I'm going to get my nails and toes done, too. Today though, I read and work on those syllabi.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
End of Summer Blues
Well, so okay, this week has not gone according to plan at all! A couple of disappointments this week, some major exhaustion, a slightly pulled muscle (which, thanks to the oxymoron "rigorous stretching" is significantly better now), a total breakdown on Thursday afternoon resulting in lots of tears and wine (I have been exceptionally good about only drinking on Saturdays so I feel good and can get up early during the week). And well, you know, there it is. It's Saturday, and I'm trying to regroup. I need to get back into academic mode, and I'm resisting it whole-heartedly right now because I'm a) not ready for summer to be over; and, b) need more summer because I feel like I've failed in every aspect of my life this summer. I did not meet a single goal on any front at all this summer--not in terms of my health and fitness, not in terms of my scholarship, not in terms of my fall prep, not in terms of my finances, not in terms of anything on the home front either. And classes begin in 13 days. The house is a mess. I have too much stuff that I don't know what to do with. Some of it should be given away, but it's stuff I can't let go of, which is problem number 1--I should start with clothes--I really need to get rid of some clothes in a major way. And shoes. I need to donate some shoes, which is *really* hard for me because you know what if I get rid of something that comes back in style in 8 years? Then where will I be?
I have a stack of shredding that is seriously like up to my armpits.
I feel bombarded. This was supposed to be the summer of great things, the first summer where I actually accomplished something! Anything! On any front! This was the summer I was supposed to accomplish A LOT so that I could basically focus on teaching during the year and the next big project. I wanted to get shit done this summer so that this year would be a little bit less stressful. But, ah, once again. Not the case my friends.
Without sounding too melodramatic (because I am NEVER one for melodrama or histrionics, right?), I feel like I must now pick up the millions of pieces of my shattered summer dreams and figure out how to assemble them all in a sane way during the year.
First and foremost what needs to happen though is that my living space gets in order. That really needs to be part of today's project. Clothes need to be put away. Clothes and shoes need to be donated. My reading/work space needs to be set up. And the office needs to be cleaned out and what not. Maybe I can put the J to the task of shredding all this crap, and he's got bills and paperwork that's his that he needs to go through. Of course, he can't get to any of it because I've got the office in a holy hell state of a total mess.
Sigh. Now I'm overwhelmed just thinking about this. It's driving me batty.
what I need to do is what I did last winter and spring. I started making calendars. And while I didn't follow them to the letter, seeing that I had specific time blocked out for specific tasks helped keep me from feeling overwhelmed. Even if there were a lot of things on the calendar, just being able to see, with time blocked out, that there was enough time to do what needed to be done and still be able to you know, cook, watch t.v. with the husband, work out, etc., I think really kept me from going bananas. Plus, the satisfaction of crossing things off, right? The instant gratification of of x-ing off something on the list totally helps the stress level.
All right, well there it is. I'm going to start working on the calendar for the next two weeks here and see if I can't make myself feel better about getting some stuff done.
I have a stack of shredding that is seriously like up to my armpits.
I feel bombarded. This was supposed to be the summer of great things, the first summer where I actually accomplished something! Anything! On any front! This was the summer I was supposed to accomplish A LOT so that I could basically focus on teaching during the year and the next big project. I wanted to get shit done this summer so that this year would be a little bit less stressful. But, ah, once again. Not the case my friends.
Without sounding too melodramatic (because I am NEVER one for melodrama or histrionics, right?), I feel like I must now pick up the millions of pieces of my shattered summer dreams and figure out how to assemble them all in a sane way during the year.
First and foremost what needs to happen though is that my living space gets in order. That really needs to be part of today's project. Clothes need to be put away. Clothes and shoes need to be donated. My reading/work space needs to be set up. And the office needs to be cleaned out and what not. Maybe I can put the J to the task of shredding all this crap, and he's got bills and paperwork that's his that he needs to go through. Of course, he can't get to any of it because I've got the office in a holy hell state of a total mess.
Sigh. Now I'm overwhelmed just thinking about this. It's driving me batty.
what I need to do is what I did last winter and spring. I started making calendars. And while I didn't follow them to the letter, seeing that I had specific time blocked out for specific tasks helped keep me from feeling overwhelmed. Even if there were a lot of things on the calendar, just being able to see, with time blocked out, that there was enough time to do what needed to be done and still be able to you know, cook, watch t.v. with the husband, work out, etc., I think really kept me from going bananas. Plus, the satisfaction of crossing things off, right? The instant gratification of of x-ing off something on the list totally helps the stress level.
All right, well there it is. I'm going to start working on the calendar for the next two weeks here and see if I can't make myself feel better about getting some stuff done.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Light at the end of the tunnel.
I have decided that today will not be a marathon grading session.
I will get through as many drafts as I can during my office hours. And then I will finish them tomorrow. I'm hoping to get through at least 10.
I have a marathon draft commenting day on Thursday. I'll save my energies for that.
Today we look at an essay. Tomorrow we finish the movie and talk about it in context of today's essay. Wednesday is a short essay we read. Then from here on out, all I do is look at drafts. No more prep.
The end is in sight.
While I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, I feel okay this morning. Okay enough to go for a run before class since it's like 100 in the afternoons now, there's no way I'm running after class.
Also, I think there may have been something going around over here, contributing to my exhaustion and its accompanying depression. One of my friends has been sick all week and battling a 101 degree fever! And the husband said there were a couple of cases of strep throat at drill. And a few of my students have been sick enough to end up in the doctor's office--a couple twice already! So maybe I had a bug. I'm glad it wasn't worse than it was! Although I did feel like the world was ending.
All right. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, contemplate my day, and then run, teach, grade, and then consider cleaning and putting things away when I get home, since I'm not going to kill myself grading this afternoon. I feel like I need the house clean so that I can focus on writing that little article that's due in a week.
I will get through as many drafts as I can during my office hours. And then I will finish them tomorrow. I'm hoping to get through at least 10.
I have a marathon draft commenting day on Thursday. I'll save my energies for that.
Today we look at an essay. Tomorrow we finish the movie and talk about it in context of today's essay. Wednesday is a short essay we read. Then from here on out, all I do is look at drafts. No more prep.
The end is in sight.
While I didn't get hardly any sleep last night, I feel okay this morning. Okay enough to go for a run before class since it's like 100 in the afternoons now, there's no way I'm running after class.
Also, I think there may have been something going around over here, contributing to my exhaustion and its accompanying depression. One of my friends has been sick all week and battling a 101 degree fever! And the husband said there were a couple of cases of strep throat at drill. And a few of my students have been sick enough to end up in the doctor's office--a couple twice already! So maybe I had a bug. I'm glad it wasn't worse than it was! Although I did feel like the world was ending.
All right. I'm going to enjoy my coffee, contemplate my day, and then run, teach, grade, and then consider cleaning and putting things away when I get home, since I'm not going to kill myself grading this afternoon. I feel like I need the house clean so that I can focus on writing that little article that's due in a week.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Almost Summer Lovin'
On today's agenda, rather on this morning's agenda is to work on the conference paper and work out (this afternoon I've got to sit in on some interviews on Skype for the search committee I'm on, so I'm losing a block of time in the afternoon). I've got about 5/8 pages. Since there are four of us presenting, I'm shooting for just 8. It's rough right now. I think I can get the draft finished today and start cleaning some of it up a little bit. And then if I have to, I'll keep working on it on the plane tomorrow afternoon.
It's funny, but I have developed a pre-conference ritual for this particular conference. I realized yesterday as I was participating in my ritual. It involves going to Home City (for the past four years I've attended this conference I've left it from Home City regardless of where I live during the academic year), getting a hair cut, buying toiletries from my favorite bath store, buying something to wear to the conference (more on that in a minute), and getting a mani/pedi. It also usually involves buying make up, but I did that here over the spring, and I'm broke and we had to get the husband's sister a graduation gift. So I'm trying to be frugal. It also involves going to B&N. As we were at the mall yesterday, I told the husband that he was witnessing what has become the pre-conference ritual--and I buy the clothes I'm going to wear at the conference from the EXACT SAME STORE every year!
Something about this conference, while a very very friendly conference for its size, makes me incredibly self conscious, but it also makes me want to be at my best; to make the best impression impossible, even though I see the same people year after year, one of whom has known me for almost 15 years now. And my wardrobe NEVER works out for me the way that I want it to for this conference. I imagine in my head what I want to look like and how I want to present myself, and it never works out that way. During the packing process for this trip, I suddenly become a horrifically ugly moron who's just one step away from being exposed as a total fraud and that there are people who will take my degree away from me. I'll come back from the conference embarrassed and jobless, and that'll be it. I'll have to go live under a rock and change my name to run from my embarrassment. This is what goes through my mind in the days before the conference and while I'm trying to at least make myself presentable.
Of course, there is something to be said for a fresh new hair cut and a mani/pedi and a new dress.
There's also something about being in Home City that fills me with this weird anxiety. Which is funny because the husband's family, especially his mom and his brothers are the most laid back non-judgmental people I've ever known, and they LOVE me. But I always feel guilty like they are quietly judging me because I took their son/brother away to live away from the family. Granted, he's a grown man and could have said, "nope, we can't date because you'll move away one day and I don't want to. Sorry." And I feel even more guilty because I found a job closer to my family and not to his. So you know, there's a relative degree of anxiety for me about that, even though I know it's not my fault that no schools around here were advertising for a job in my field when I applied for the job at BLT-U. But, oh well. Once I have the paper done and once I get out to conference city, none of that will matter for I do love conference city with a love that is pure and true.
So I need to be thinking now what I need to accomplish for the summer. I'd like to actually wait until my summer really begins in July to focus on the things I need to do and just teach now, which perhaps seems counterintuitive because you'd think I'd want to work and then play but a M-F six week freshman comp class? Yikes.
While I'm teaching, I'd like to work on the article that I needed to write by June 1. That won't happen. I'll have to shoot for June 15th.
Here's what I hope to get done. Of course it's an ambitious list, but they always are at the beginning of summer are they not? I plan on taking off the last two weeks of August to do nothing but relax, play, and travel, too, by the way.
And on that note, I'm going to get to work on that conference paper so I then go work out.
It's funny, but I have developed a pre-conference ritual for this particular conference. I realized yesterday as I was participating in my ritual. It involves going to Home City (for the past four years I've attended this conference I've left it from Home City regardless of where I live during the academic year), getting a hair cut, buying toiletries from my favorite bath store, buying something to wear to the conference (more on that in a minute), and getting a mani/pedi. It also usually involves buying make up, but I did that here over the spring, and I'm broke and we had to get the husband's sister a graduation gift. So I'm trying to be frugal. It also involves going to B&N. As we were at the mall yesterday, I told the husband that he was witnessing what has become the pre-conference ritual--and I buy the clothes I'm going to wear at the conference from the EXACT SAME STORE every year!
Something about this conference, while a very very friendly conference for its size, makes me incredibly self conscious, but it also makes me want to be at my best; to make the best impression impossible, even though I see the same people year after year, one of whom has known me for almost 15 years now. And my wardrobe NEVER works out for me the way that I want it to for this conference. I imagine in my head what I want to look like and how I want to present myself, and it never works out that way. During the packing process for this trip, I suddenly become a horrifically ugly moron who's just one step away from being exposed as a total fraud and that there are people who will take my degree away from me. I'll come back from the conference embarrassed and jobless, and that'll be it. I'll have to go live under a rock and change my name to run from my embarrassment. This is what goes through my mind in the days before the conference and while I'm trying to at least make myself presentable.
Of course, there is something to be said for a fresh new hair cut and a mani/pedi and a new dress.
There's also something about being in Home City that fills me with this weird anxiety. Which is funny because the husband's family, especially his mom and his brothers are the most laid back non-judgmental people I've ever known, and they LOVE me. But I always feel guilty like they are quietly judging me because I took their son/brother away to live away from the family. Granted, he's a grown man and could have said, "nope, we can't date because you'll move away one day and I don't want to. Sorry." And I feel even more guilty because I found a job closer to my family and not to his. So you know, there's a relative degree of anxiety for me about that, even though I know it's not my fault that no schools around here were advertising for a job in my field when I applied for the job at BLT-U. But, oh well. Once I have the paper done and once I get out to conference city, none of that will matter for I do love conference city with a love that is pure and true.
So I need to be thinking now what I need to accomplish for the summer. I'd like to actually wait until my summer really begins in July to focus on the things I need to do and just teach now, which perhaps seems counterintuitive because you'd think I'd want to work and then play but a M-F six week freshman comp class? Yikes.
While I'm teaching, I'd like to work on the article that I needed to write by June 1. That won't happen. I'll have to shoot for June 15th.
Here's what I hope to get done. Of course it's an ambitious list, but they always are at the beginning of summer are they not? I plan on taking off the last two weeks of August to do nothing but relax, play, and travel, too, by the way.
- First and foremost, finish the dam conference paper.
- Write the shorter article by June 15th.
- Have longer article ready to be sent out by August 11th.
- Read for pleasure.
- Read for work.
- Work on course proposal.
- Work on fall syllabus.
- Join a pool.
- Stay on track with health and fitness goals.
- Finish getting the office and the guest room organized.
- Get all stuff to Goodwill. Get rid of stuff not needed.
And on that note, I'm going to get to work on that conference paper so I then go work out.
Friday, May 18, 2012
On exercise and making it through finals week
One thing that I've learned this month is pacing and moderation. First of all, after changing our diet to about 50% Paleo around Thanksgiving, it's been easy to see how things work and don't work (as far as my body is concerned) with certain food choices. And for the last month, we've been following it pretty strictly (the husband eats what he wants--he usually has chips or cake or something like that for himself), and seriously, yo. One of my cookbooks has a 30 day meal plan--everything from breakfast to snacks to dinner--and that's what we had been eating off of for the last three weeks. We were without a fridge for a few days, so we couldn't shop and store things for part of this week (we had a cooler, one can only fit so much in a cooler, and at least the freezer was still working), so this week has been more improvisational but still in the spirit of the meal plan, in spite of my dark chocolate (some trainers say dark chocolate, like 85% is ok. I need something sometimes, you know).
Anyway, my point of all of this is, for like the first time since I was about 12 (sad, right? and maybe perhaps the first year after my divorce) I have not been counting calories, logging food, keeping track of calories burned or even measuring stuff out. OH.MY.GOD! I feel so liberated! Eating out can be a bit tricky, but not really. Now, it's not like there weren't struggles during the month, but on the whole, holy shit. Seriously. I feel better than I ever felt on any vegan or vegetarian diet. For me, I may have found what works. And this is the first time in the history of this blog (in all its incarnations) that I have been working out consistently and have been losing weight consistently over the last five and a half months. Usually my M.O. is to talk about how great I've been doing for a month, then some crazy academic crisis hits or I get my period or something derails me, I undo everything in the span of the two or three weeks, and then boom, back to square one, and the broken record begins again. I'm going into summer feeling pretty good without having to think about summer as "finally the time when I'll get back into shape."
Again, it's liberating.
What has gotten me through finals week so far is that I've made sure that I'm exercising. One thing that I've been doing since January, that exercise is a part of, is making sure I take care of myself. This has meant ignoring certain things--the house isn't always clean; I don't obsess over class prep, and I do probably slack a little bit in it. But if I'm stressed, tired, and miserable, all the preparation for class isn't going to mean shit if I can't deliver it. And when I'm taking care of myself, I'm a better professor and a better wife, and I'm a better mom to the dogs.
I have also changed my workouts in the last month, too. I've decided that Mr. P90X and I need to go on a break if we ever hope to repair our relationship. I understand he has a product to sell, but his animosity to the principles I hold dear are starting to wear on me. I have found strength, beauty, and self confidence in the Cross Fit/Paleo lifestyle (which has been a part of what I've been doing since January, but only the focus really in the last month), and I do take it a bit personally (although we've never met) to hear that being torn down in public forums. Perhaps it is "trendy," but Mr. P90X, so are you, so there.
Anyway, the point is, I have some long term goals now that go beyond just getting into a particular pair of pants or my bikini for summer or getting to a certain size (which is part of the goal, but not THE goal). I think I have finally been able to look at these changes as lifestyle changes not diet and exercise, but the things that make me part of who I am. And they make me able to take care of myself which keeps me from completely losing my shit during finals week with all the grading, for example. Rather, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable, for the first time ever maybe, in my own skin.
Now if I can just get that conference paper and those two articles written...
Anyway, my point of all of this is, for like the first time since I was about 12 (sad, right? and maybe perhaps the first year after my divorce) I have not been counting calories, logging food, keeping track of calories burned or even measuring stuff out. OH.MY.GOD! I feel so liberated! Eating out can be a bit tricky, but not really. Now, it's not like there weren't struggles during the month, but on the whole, holy shit. Seriously. I feel better than I ever felt on any vegan or vegetarian diet. For me, I may have found what works. And this is the first time in the history of this blog (in all its incarnations) that I have been working out consistently and have been losing weight consistently over the last five and a half months. Usually my M.O. is to talk about how great I've been doing for a month, then some crazy academic crisis hits or I get my period or something derails me, I undo everything in the span of the two or three weeks, and then boom, back to square one, and the broken record begins again. I'm going into summer feeling pretty good without having to think about summer as "finally the time when I'll get back into shape."
Again, it's liberating.
What has gotten me through finals week so far is that I've made sure that I'm exercising. One thing that I've been doing since January, that exercise is a part of, is making sure I take care of myself. This has meant ignoring certain things--the house isn't always clean; I don't obsess over class prep, and I do probably slack a little bit in it. But if I'm stressed, tired, and miserable, all the preparation for class isn't going to mean shit if I can't deliver it. And when I'm taking care of myself, I'm a better professor and a better wife, and I'm a better mom to the dogs.
I have also changed my workouts in the last month, too. I've decided that Mr. P90X and I need to go on a break if we ever hope to repair our relationship. I understand he has a product to sell, but his animosity to the principles I hold dear are starting to wear on me. I have found strength, beauty, and self confidence in the Cross Fit/Paleo lifestyle (which has been a part of what I've been doing since January, but only the focus really in the last month), and I do take it a bit personally (although we've never met) to hear that being torn down in public forums. Perhaps it is "trendy," but Mr. P90X, so are you, so there.
Anyway, the point is, I have some long term goals now that go beyond just getting into a particular pair of pants or my bikini for summer or getting to a certain size (which is part of the goal, but not THE goal). I think I have finally been able to look at these changes as lifestyle changes not diet and exercise, but the things that make me part of who I am. And they make me able to take care of myself which keeps me from completely losing my shit during finals week with all the grading, for example. Rather, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable, for the first time ever maybe, in my own skin.
Now if I can just get that conference paper and those two articles written...
Monday, April 30, 2012
And the countdown begins...
In the words of Spike from this show, "this quarter is OVER!" Not in the sense that it's literally "over" but in the sense that this quarter is so not cool anymore. And it must be said with emphasis. Not some valley girl or early grunge statement, but with emphatic agitation and feet stomping. So I say, "Dear Freshman Stus, it's time for me to move on to the next 'cool' thing. I can't even really tell you goodbye because that might imply that I will miss this class. No. To those of you, those like 4 of you who put forth some effort, I wish you the best but you are so OVER! [stomps foot]"
It's pathetic because there are actually only four days left that I'm actually teaching them, including today. Oh, there are about 9 days left of class, but I'm only actually going to instruct them for four out of the next nine. Friday their essays are due, and I'm giving them the day off not for them and all their hard work, but so that I can grade the essays and finish them before noon so that I don't have to think about them. My prediction is that a good portion of them are going to be Fs because they'll be well short of the actual 3 page minimum page requirement. I have already made a deal with myself that essays that are 75 and below (which I think will be most of them at this point) will not receive comments. Most of them, I'm assuming, based on their initial draft work, will fail. I will not spend time commenting on them since they have to meet with me if they want to revise the essay anyway, I'm not going to waste my time. The following Friday will be to go over the take home final; I'm making them show up mid week for the last week of classes and then the last day I've canceled both the Friday classes, and I'm going to sit at home and grade.
As far as the lit classes are concerned, I'm going to miss them, as I usually do. But I'm done prepping for the quarter. The stuff for the remainder of the quarter is stuff that I've taught A LOT this year, and if you count multiple sections of the same class, the last couple of stories I would say have been taught upwards around 8 times already this year. That's surprisingly not true for even the earlier stuff in my field. And these are very teachable stories, and ironically, though so far out of my field, the easiest things for me to teach. I only needed really to reread Cather. And I might should skim Faulkner if I have time, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
I'm pretty sure that I can knock out most of the lit analyses during my office hours this morning. We'll see. Again, I'm not losing sleep over it... anymore.
I'm pretty sure it's this attitude as to why I got wasted Friday night. And why, despite my best intentions and knowledge, I seem to need to check out of the quarter about once a week on a major scale. I know it's self-sabotage and avoidance and a vicious cycle, but I think this class just reminds me of my freshman at Fancy Town, and I don't throw this around lightly, but seriously, it's like a mild PTSD*--coupled on top of the husband being away from drill--which still, 2 years later, every time he leaves for drill, it feels like he's leaving for Afghanistan. Since Afghanistan, his absence (even if it's to spend the weekend 2 hours away) = combat and war in my head. It's getting better, but I can't just think of him as off at drill. So there's that.
*I don't use this lightly (particularly given the events at the start of the quarter), but that my writing classes at FT College were *that* traumatic. Insomnia, depression, crying, feeling sick every Monday morning. I am *almost* at that point right now, and this class makes me think of my first writing classes there. I can't not associate the two, which makes my attitude really really bad. Thankfully there are only three weeks left.
I have only four priorities for the next three weeks:
Also, we have a totally kick ass Friday planned. And with any luck, also a kick ass Saturday planned, so if I can hang on for the week, I will be duly rewarded for the weekend.
Now, to go face my day.
It's pathetic because there are actually only four days left that I'm actually teaching them, including today. Oh, there are about 9 days left of class, but I'm only actually going to instruct them for four out of the next nine. Friday their essays are due, and I'm giving them the day off not for them and all their hard work, but so that I can grade the essays and finish them before noon so that I don't have to think about them. My prediction is that a good portion of them are going to be Fs because they'll be well short of the actual 3 page minimum page requirement. I have already made a deal with myself that essays that are 75 and below (which I think will be most of them at this point) will not receive comments. Most of them, I'm assuming, based on their initial draft work, will fail. I will not spend time commenting on them since they have to meet with me if they want to revise the essay anyway, I'm not going to waste my time. The following Friday will be to go over the take home final; I'm making them show up mid week for the last week of classes and then the last day I've canceled both the Friday classes, and I'm going to sit at home and grade.
As far as the lit classes are concerned, I'm going to miss them, as I usually do. But I'm done prepping for the quarter. The stuff for the remainder of the quarter is stuff that I've taught A LOT this year, and if you count multiple sections of the same class, the last couple of stories I would say have been taught upwards around 8 times already this year. That's surprisingly not true for even the earlier stuff in my field. And these are very teachable stories, and ironically, though so far out of my field, the easiest things for me to teach. I only needed really to reread Cather. And I might should skim Faulkner if I have time, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
I'm pretty sure that I can knock out most of the lit analyses during my office hours this morning. We'll see. Again, I'm not losing sleep over it... anymore.
I'm pretty sure it's this attitude as to why I got wasted Friday night. And why, despite my best intentions and knowledge, I seem to need to check out of the quarter about once a week on a major scale. I know it's self-sabotage and avoidance and a vicious cycle, but I think this class just reminds me of my freshman at Fancy Town, and I don't throw this around lightly, but seriously, it's like a mild PTSD*--coupled on top of the husband being away from drill--which still, 2 years later, every time he leaves for drill, it feels like he's leaving for Afghanistan. Since Afghanistan, his absence (even if it's to spend the weekend 2 hours away) = combat and war in my head. It's getting better, but I can't just think of him as off at drill. So there's that.
*I don't use this lightly (particularly given the events at the start of the quarter), but that my writing classes at FT College were *that* traumatic. Insomnia, depression, crying, feeling sick every Monday morning. I am *almost* at that point right now, and this class makes me think of my first writing classes there. I can't not associate the two, which makes my attitude really really bad. Thankfully there are only three weeks left.
I have only four priorities for the next three weeks:
- Workouts
- Meal prep and healthy eating
- Sleep
- Conference paper
Also, we have a totally kick ass Friday planned. And with any luck, also a kick ass Saturday planned, so if I can hang on for the week, I will be duly rewarded for the weekend.
Now, to go face my day.
Friday, April 27, 2012
On the Schedule
Well, I don't think going back to this reading in the morning, working out in the afternoon is going to work for me. At least not while I'm basically trying to detox myself from gluten and dairy as I feel crappy and tired right now.
After like 10 days of working out in the morning and then going back to working out in the afternoon, I have come to miss working out in the morning and being done with it. And I am now willing to get up at 5 am and forgo the coffee in order to get to the work out first thing so that I can get all three workouts in before class. I really think this is the best option for me. And then I can just read in the afternoons while the husband does his homework. It's making me even grumpier NOT to work out in the morning. And this morning I got all three workouts in. And it felt glorious. I'm still really freaking grumpy today (probably because I know I have all those freshman essays to comment on and I have spent class time thus far blogging rather than confronting the essays), but at least I know that after my meeting today, I don't have to go work out for 90 minutes. I liked that week that I had the weekday afternoons open to get stuff done. Or nap. Nothing wrong with napping. But, I have rediscovered how good it feels to work out first thing. I have reprogrammed myself to need that rather than doing it in the afternoon.
So from tomorrow to next Saturday, the new schedule is as follows:
After like 10 days of working out in the morning and then going back to working out in the afternoon, I have come to miss working out in the morning and being done with it. And I am now willing to get up at 5 am and forgo the coffee in order to get to the work out first thing so that I can get all three workouts in before class. I really think this is the best option for me. And then I can just read in the afternoons while the husband does his homework. It's making me even grumpier NOT to work out in the morning. And this morning I got all three workouts in. And it felt glorious. I'm still really freaking grumpy today (probably because I know I have all those freshman essays to comment on and I have spent class time thus far blogging rather than confronting the essays), but at least I know that after my meeting today, I don't have to go work out for 90 minutes. I liked that week that I had the weekday afternoons open to get stuff done. Or nap. Nothing wrong with napping. But, I have rediscovered how good it feels to work out first thing. I have reprogrammed myself to need that rather than doing it in the afternoon.
So from tomorrow to next Saturday, the new schedule is as follows:
- S-Th. Work out first thing in the morning. Really push to get all three workouts in on the days all three are scheduled.
- Friday is off day.
- M-Th in the afternoons: 1-2 hours toward reading/writing/research.
- Saturday mornings as always: prep work for the week.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Stupid Quarter & Let's try something different or rather, return to what was previously working
I need for this quarter to end.
I hate to say it, but I dislike my freshman class this quarter. There are about 5 out of 20 who are okay, who do the work, who participate, who take the class seriously. But the vibe in the class as a whole is terrible. I'm really hoping that about half of them are gone by the drop day. Seriously. I don't know, even with the grades that half the class has, if that will be the case. Sigh.
I think that's why I have such trouble sleeping lately. Or one of the reasons. I do not like getting up and going to this class. At all. But there's nothing that I can do about that. I've got three more weeks left with them.
The other MWF class is a dream. I adore them. I wish all three classes were like them.
The TR class is getting better. I lit a fire under their asses and most of them jumped to not get burned, so that class might pick up for the remainder of the quarter.
I need for this quarter to end.
*******************************************************************************
Okay, so as you all know, I'm fond of making schedules and stuff. Since this quarter has just been a dud, I've been struggling. Maybe the positive take away is that instead of throwing in the towel this quarter, I keep making adjustments and trying to find something that works without just giving up totally.
I keep going back to February because February was a great month for me. I felt amazing. Amazing I tell you. I was on top of grading (rarely did I get behind in February). I was on top of my workouts (I know because I have the calendar). And I think February was the cleanest my diet has been. And by "diet" I mean my food intake. I felt the best I had felt in 20 years, literally. And then the new quarter started. And things started to go downhill. And I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since then.
What did I do right in February? For starters, I didn't have a freshman class. FWIW, there's seriously something to that life energy suck that this particular group of freshman has brought me. Plus the additional work of drafts and grading and just the energy it takes to teach freshman. It seems like freshman classes absorb every free moment and the work I have to expend for the freshman takes up about 70% of my academic life. And it makes me resentful. And resent saps my energy. So there's that.
I have tried for the past two weeks to work out in the mornings before class. That has been somewhat successful. The idea was that I work out in the a.m. so that way I can have the afternoons free for whatever I need to do, primarily research/reading/writing. I have a conference paper to write, and I have absolutely nothing for it except the abstract. And that was the most off the cuff abstract I've written. There's nothing in the wings to back it up. The problem with the a.m. workouts is that it has not helped me accomplish anything but working out in the morning which means I get up earlier. It also has actually cut back on my workouts, too. Instead of doing the three parts to my workout, most days now I only get one part in, sometimes two. This ironically has affected my energy level negatively. I don't do the other part of the work out in the afternoon, nor do I actually read or do anything really. Not even clean. Usually I come home, have a beer, and watch t.v. Counterproductive to the max.
Also, the kind of workouts I was doing in February were slightly different. clearly I was getting more out of it. I've been doing other things for the last month, and while I've been able to stick with it, I've ignored all the other parts of my work out. The stuff I was doing in February left me energized and feeling good. The stuff right now? Exhausted, sapped, drained. So, I return to my regularly scheduled programing this afternoon. The only upside to any of this is at least I've not gained any weight. I've managed to lose weight at a snail's pace, but at least that part of the pattern hasn't returned. I'm not back at square one. I have to give myself kudos for that.
My diet--since spring break has taken a turn for the worse. The gluten, the grains, the dairy... What the hell am I doing to myself. I'm sluggish. I'm unfocused. I'm exhausted. All.the.time. I guess I'm at that age where indulgence does nothing for me but make me feel like shit. And I indulge because I feel like shit. Plus, both the husband and I have been plagued by some sort of low grade depression since the start of spring quarter, so the cycle is just perpetuating. Bad feelings = bad eating = bad feeling = not wanting to work out = bad feeling = slacking on work = bad feelings...
So here's what we're going to try this week.
On MWF, rather than getting up super early, I'm going to get up at a time that allows me to do reading/writing for the conference paper. So 1.25 hours of work MWF morning. (This actually means I get to sleep in for an hour compared to the last two weeks). Workouts MWF afternoon.
TR--I'd have to keep getting up at 5 if I want to do work. But since it's an earlier day, work out after office hours then read/research from 3:30-5:00. That's almost 7 hours a week for the conference paper and for the damn article I have to write that's due the same time as the conference.
I think that might be manageable. I'll report back to let you know how it goes! But I feel better about this plan.
I also have all the meals planned for the week as well. That helps tremendously, too. That's another thing I hadn't been doing since February--weekly meal planning. It makes a difference.
I hate to say it, but I dislike my freshman class this quarter. There are about 5 out of 20 who are okay, who do the work, who participate, who take the class seriously. But the vibe in the class as a whole is terrible. I'm really hoping that about half of them are gone by the drop day. Seriously. I don't know, even with the grades that half the class has, if that will be the case. Sigh.
I think that's why I have such trouble sleeping lately. Or one of the reasons. I do not like getting up and going to this class. At all. But there's nothing that I can do about that. I've got three more weeks left with them.
The other MWF class is a dream. I adore them. I wish all three classes were like them.
The TR class is getting better. I lit a fire under their asses and most of them jumped to not get burned, so that class might pick up for the remainder of the quarter.
I need for this quarter to end.
*******************************************************************************
Okay, so as you all know, I'm fond of making schedules and stuff. Since this quarter has just been a dud, I've been struggling. Maybe the positive take away is that instead of throwing in the towel this quarter, I keep making adjustments and trying to find something that works without just giving up totally.
I keep going back to February because February was a great month for me. I felt amazing. Amazing I tell you. I was on top of grading (rarely did I get behind in February). I was on top of my workouts (I know because I have the calendar). And I think February was the cleanest my diet has been. And by "diet" I mean my food intake. I felt the best I had felt in 20 years, literally. And then the new quarter started. And things started to go downhill. And I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since then.
What did I do right in February? For starters, I didn't have a freshman class. FWIW, there's seriously something to that life energy suck that this particular group of freshman has brought me. Plus the additional work of drafts and grading and just the energy it takes to teach freshman. It seems like freshman classes absorb every free moment and the work I have to expend for the freshman takes up about 70% of my academic life. And it makes me resentful. And resent saps my energy. So there's that.
I have tried for the past two weeks to work out in the mornings before class. That has been somewhat successful. The idea was that I work out in the a.m. so that way I can have the afternoons free for whatever I need to do, primarily research/reading/writing. I have a conference paper to write, and I have absolutely nothing for it except the abstract. And that was the most off the cuff abstract I've written. There's nothing in the wings to back it up. The problem with the a.m. workouts is that it has not helped me accomplish anything but working out in the morning which means I get up earlier. It also has actually cut back on my workouts, too. Instead of doing the three parts to my workout, most days now I only get one part in, sometimes two. This ironically has affected my energy level negatively. I don't do the other part of the work out in the afternoon, nor do I actually read or do anything really. Not even clean. Usually I come home, have a beer, and watch t.v. Counterproductive to the max.
Also, the kind of workouts I was doing in February were slightly different. clearly I was getting more out of it. I've been doing other things for the last month, and while I've been able to stick with it, I've ignored all the other parts of my work out. The stuff I was doing in February left me energized and feeling good. The stuff right now? Exhausted, sapped, drained. So, I return to my regularly scheduled programing this afternoon. The only upside to any of this is at least I've not gained any weight. I've managed to lose weight at a snail's pace, but at least that part of the pattern hasn't returned. I'm not back at square one. I have to give myself kudos for that.
My diet--since spring break has taken a turn for the worse. The gluten, the grains, the dairy... What the hell am I doing to myself. I'm sluggish. I'm unfocused. I'm exhausted. All.the.time. I guess I'm at that age where indulgence does nothing for me but make me feel like shit. And I indulge because I feel like shit. Plus, both the husband and I have been plagued by some sort of low grade depression since the start of spring quarter, so the cycle is just perpetuating. Bad feelings = bad eating = bad feeling = not wanting to work out = bad feeling = slacking on work = bad feelings...
So here's what we're going to try this week.
On MWF, rather than getting up super early, I'm going to get up at a time that allows me to do reading/writing for the conference paper. So 1.25 hours of work MWF morning. (This actually means I get to sleep in for an hour compared to the last two weeks). Workouts MWF afternoon.
TR--I'd have to keep getting up at 5 if I want to do work. But since it's an earlier day, work out after office hours then read/research from 3:30-5:00. That's almost 7 hours a week for the conference paper and for the damn article I have to write that's due the same time as the conference.
I think that might be manageable. I'll report back to let you know how it goes! But I feel better about this plan.
I also have all the meals planned for the week as well. That helps tremendously, too. That's another thing I hadn't been doing since February--weekly meal planning. It makes a difference.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
RBOC: Feeling Pretty Not Bad Edition!
Headachey and crampy this morning. But that's all the negativity I have for you.
Here are some good things from the remainder of the week:
Here are some good things from the remainder of the week:
- Graded every single last bit of the midterms--take home and in-class. This involved spending the whole of yesterday afternoon grading (the husband was doing some extra credit for his psych class, so I was home alone anyway), but I pushed through because the thought of having to do it this weekend was even more aggravating than spending a Friday afternoon grading.
- Even though I said I wasn't going to grade at home, this is only the second time this quarter that I've graded work at home.
- Not only did I get the midterms graded (about 62 take home and 68 in-class--yes, like six people took the in class one but didn't bother to turn in the take home one), but I got all the grades for the quarter thus far calculated and entered into the spreadsheet. Voila'! I'm halfway to finals!
- Since I graded all the midterm stuff, I decided that I'm not even going to look at the freshman essays. Those are being reserved for office hours. I picked them up yesterday. They can have them back Friday. They're final drafts anyway, and they're not revisable, so there's no time crunch here for those.
- Last night I went to a "dinner theatre" dinner party. The host wrote a play. The host had a notable director in from a foreign country. A group of us were selected to read through the play--the play's very first read through. It was a very very lovely night. I really very much enjoyed it.
- I may finally be back on track with my health/fitness goals. Although it's hard to feel like one is making progress when one is so bloated one looks 3 mos. pregnant. Seriously. Last night when I showed my husband my distended belly, he involuntarily burst out laughing and exclaimed "holy crap!" We were pissed that April Fool's had already passed since our families are both clammering for us to have kids, that my bloat is so bad that it seriously would have made some horribly mean April Fool's bump pictures seem totally real. Like it's THAT bad. Thankfully I have nothing planned this weekend.
- Oh, yes, Health and Fitness. I'm forgoing my measurements until next week after the bloat leaves and the "lady time" is over. But I did have some good days this week! I keep a calendar on the fridge where I record my workouts and then cross off the days to keep me honest, so I can actually see the workouts I've accomplished. And this week has a row of Xs! It looks so pretty! It really helps. Especially on the days when I want to really punk out. I look at all the Xs and think, "oh man, I don't want to break that row until the rest day. Crap." And then I usually work out and feel better for it. But there's the other great thing about this week--I worked out twice this week in the morning before class! Over the four day break, three of the four days I worked out before I started to do anything else. Well, okay, after I journaled and had a couple of cups of coffee. But I was usually done by about 10 or so. And I did that for three days. I loved it! So on Tuesday by the time it was 11 am and I hadn't worked out yet, I started to get really grumpy again. So Wednesday morning I worked out and wasn't grumpy! Then Thursday I was grumpy again until I worked out. Yesterday morning, two workouts before class, and then I got all that grading done in the afternoon! It was a miracle. Next week I'm going to keep working on that. It's so much better for me when I can do that. And I was in such a good mood when I got to campus. And each day I get a to the work out a little bit earlier. Each day I need a little less wake up time, so eventually I think I might be able to get all the workouts in MWF mornings and 2/3 of them in on TR mornings.
- It is frustrating because my body hasn't caught up with my fitness. I've replaced a lot of fat with muscle, but the scale is moving painfully slow. But I feel so good, so I have to remember that it will eventually start melting off at some point as I keep cleaning up my diet. There are things I really really need to cut back on or eliminate almost completely because they are the reasons the "lady time" is so particularly awful.
- Saturdays will be my rest day for the work outs. That way I can focus on reading, prepping, and cleaning so that Saturday evenings and Sundays can be enjoyable. :)
- This morning I'm going to read for a little bit of pleasure first. Enjoy my coffee while I do so. Then I'll prep for the week and then clean. That's it. That's my Saturday. And even with the cleaning, it sounds like a fine Saturday to me!
- It feels so good not to be angry three days in a row! I think much of that then the last couple of weeks is due to both depression and raging out of whack hormones obviously. Oddly, this makes me feel better. I was afraid it was something like serious depression. Although PMS is a bitch, at least this round is over.
- Now, to enjoy this beautiful day!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Better Mood?
Wow, it seems to be a rollercoaster of sorts over in these parts here between my anger/angst and feelings of serenity. Perhaps it's time to go back on the meds till I get a handle on thing? Who knows. It's a sure sign of either depression, PMS, or both. In any case, it's wreaking havoc on me. And I don't want this place to be such a negative space. But I guess all that negativity, or a large portion of it is academic related, so oh well.
Anyway, yesterday, I came home and took a nap. Turns out that was just what I needed! It's the simplest things that make the biggest differences! I had already worked out in the morning before class (something that didn't happen this morning because it's too much of a rush to do so on TR mornings, but it looks like on MWF mornings it's going to start happening), so I didn't have to work out when I came home. The husband cleaned the kitchen, did his homework, and then cooked me dinner. I spent the afternoon sleeping and reading stuff for fun! Turns out, that was a great idea! I know I have grading and stuff to do, but I'm trying really hard to be protective of my time here at home. Because next week, for sure and for real!! is when I add the research time blocks to my calendar!! Especially if I get into the habit of getting the MWF workouts done in the morning, then I have large blocks of time in the afternoon on those days to get that stuff done. Even on TRs if I work out when I get home, I have time in the afternoons for that. And I really have to start working on that article and that conference paper. I need to do the research for the conference paper. Right now, I'm refusing to grade at home. I refuse to bring that stuff home with me unless absolutely necessary. And I have plenty of office hours during the week in which to get that stuff done. And I don't have legions of students (or even a trickle for that matter) coming to see me yet, so there's no reason for me to bring any of it home, honestly.
Thankfully today I just give midterms. Tomorrow I take up essays and give a midterm. I think in the freshman class we're going to watch something. So I have plenty of time to ease into a new routine and start adding the research this coming week.
With any luck, I'll be motivated today and get the bulk of the take home midterm exams graded while the students take their in-class exam and during my office hours. So the goal by 11:00 is to:
The goal for tomorrow:
Have a great day all!
Anyway, yesterday, I came home and took a nap. Turns out that was just what I needed! It's the simplest things that make the biggest differences! I had already worked out in the morning before class (something that didn't happen this morning because it's too much of a rush to do so on TR mornings, but it looks like on MWF mornings it's going to start happening), so I didn't have to work out when I came home. The husband cleaned the kitchen, did his homework, and then cooked me dinner. I spent the afternoon sleeping and reading stuff for fun! Turns out, that was a great idea! I know I have grading and stuff to do, but I'm trying really hard to be protective of my time here at home. Because next week, for sure and for real!! is when I add the research time blocks to my calendar!! Especially if I get into the habit of getting the MWF workouts done in the morning, then I have large blocks of time in the afternoon on those days to get that stuff done. Even on TRs if I work out when I get home, I have time in the afternoons for that. And I really have to start working on that article and that conference paper. I need to do the research for the conference paper. Right now, I'm refusing to grade at home. I refuse to bring that stuff home with me unless absolutely necessary. And I have plenty of office hours during the week in which to get that stuff done. And I don't have legions of students (or even a trickle for that matter) coming to see me yet, so there's no reason for me to bring any of it home, honestly.
Thankfully today I just give midterms. Tomorrow I take up essays and give a midterm. I think in the freshman class we're going to watch something. So I have plenty of time to ease into a new routine and start adding the research this coming week.
With any luck, I'll be motivated today and get the bulk of the take home midterm exams graded while the students take their in-class exam and during my office hours. So the goal by 11:00 is to:
Finish the TR take home midterm examsGet halfway through the MWF take home midterm exams or more--Not quite. I only made it through 6 of them, but I did grade a total of 17 today which means I've got about 33/62 total done. That's pretty good progress. So I'm counting that as accomplishing today's grading goal.
The goal for tomorrow:
Finish MWF take home midterms- Get 1/3 way through 101 final drafts, so about 7 of them, at a minimum.--this did not happen. Rather I plowed through ALL of the midterms, in all their forms.
Have a great day all!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The Storm Has Passed.
I am happy to report that after yesterday's rant, a whole helluva lot of chocolate, a good dinner (actually, no my dinner sucked, but I cooked it, so it was better than pizza or eating out), and three very finely crafted snobby beer, a great movie, and some episodes of this series, a decent night's sleep, I awoke, albeit early, significantly less splenetic than of late. Actually, this was the first morning in a week that I've not felt like beating someone up. And let me tell you, it felt wonderful not to wake up angry. Good lord. It was sapping a very large amount of energy out of me. But I am happy to report that I do feel better. I think what I needed was a day like yesterday. A day to pout, complain, rant, be angry, cry, not teach on a weekday, clean a little bit, cook, indulge in cookies, and drink. What helped was that it was an off day for a Friday and that meant I didn't waste a Saturday, thus half the weekend being a grump. I've got tomorrow and Monday still off, so I think I seriously just needed a mental health day that didn't cut into my weekend.
This morning, I got up early (unplanned, but I figured, what the hell, I was up), made some coffee, journaled, and then I worked out for 2:45. Yes, that is correct. I worked out for almost three hours. I did 90 minutes of yoga, an hour's worth of legs, and 15 minutes of abs. I was smoked by the time I was done, but I felt so much better. I attempted to work out yesterday, but I was so mentally exhausted that after I put on my workout clothes and got the den set up, I just started crying, weeping over how I didn't want to workout, begging the husband through my tears to tell me it was okay for me not to work out. I took a shower instead and went and bought a new French Press and then cleaned the kitchen and then bought chocolate.
I made some progress on the office yesterday. Turns out the plans I had for organizing and cleaning during the break aren't going to work out quite like I wanted them to. The office is a much bigger task than I had anticipated. I managed to get both desks moved and set up (now the Husband has his own workspace that's NOT the kitchen table) AND get some of the shelves cleared off so the Husband could unpack his boxes of books (he was really cute--he cataloged them as he unpacked them). I got the cookbooks moved to a shelf in the kitchen. All in all, the office is half done. I think we may be done working on the organizing and stuff for the day as well. I cleaned my bathroom. I'm about to clean the kitchen up a bit, and then it's off to the grocery store and the liquor store and then back to cook and hang out with each other for the rest of the day.
I'm so glad that I feel better today. So very glad.
This morning, I got up early (unplanned, but I figured, what the hell, I was up), made some coffee, journaled, and then I worked out for 2:45. Yes, that is correct. I worked out for almost three hours. I did 90 minutes of yoga, an hour's worth of legs, and 15 minutes of abs. I was smoked by the time I was done, but I felt so much better. I attempted to work out yesterday, but I was so mentally exhausted that after I put on my workout clothes and got the den set up, I just started crying, weeping over how I didn't want to workout, begging the husband through my tears to tell me it was okay for me not to work out. I took a shower instead and went and bought a new French Press and then cleaned the kitchen and then bought chocolate.
I made some progress on the office yesterday. Turns out the plans I had for organizing and cleaning during the break aren't going to work out quite like I wanted them to. The office is a much bigger task than I had anticipated. I managed to get both desks moved and set up (now the Husband has his own workspace that's NOT the kitchen table) AND get some of the shelves cleared off so the Husband could unpack his boxes of books (he was really cute--he cataloged them as he unpacked them). I got the cookbooks moved to a shelf in the kitchen. All in all, the office is half done. I think we may be done working on the organizing and stuff for the day as well. I cleaned my bathroom. I'm about to clean the kitchen up a bit, and then it's off to the grocery store and the liquor store and then back to cook and hang out with each other for the rest of the day.
I'm so glad that I feel better today. So very glad.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Back on Track
I'm bringing Maude back.
Maude is now back!
I have missed Maude a lot lately. A LOT. I was sad she had such a sad ending, but she never left me.
I need a fresh start. When I feel as if the other blog has become a smorgasbord of whining, it's time to move on. I think.
Perhaps Nola needs to remain an academic personality. And I need to focus my academic issues somewhere and the other things I want to do somewhere else.
I feel like one of the things bothering me lately (aside from my friend's tenure denial, which is new to the list of things bothering me), I have been feeling lately like I want to create something. I mean, I haven't written in over a decade. Closer to two almost at this point. And I think this is behind my working out--it sounds weird, but I do feel like it's a creation of energy, a constant recreation of a newer me that comes with every work out. Does that sound nuts?
I have felt, for a while now, since before Christmas, that I'm in a rut in my life. In every way possible. I cut my hair, but I still feel like I look the same. I've bought a couple of pieces of new clothes and I've been able to get back into some of my favorite clothes, but not all of them, and I've tried to change up my make up and my accessories, but still, I feel in a rut. I've even changed up some stuff in my syllabi--it's gone *that* far. I bought new sheets and changed the look of the bedroom this weekend. I've switched daily coffee mugs. I've spent a stupid amount of time looking at new phones (it's time for my upgrade) because I feel that the iPhone has become part of my identity, and if I want a change, that needs to change, too. Nuts, right? I bought a bright new mug for my protein fruit shakes. I have even been wearing my contacts more rather than my glasses because I *always* wear my glasses and usually only wear my contacts for when I'm working out. And here I am, changing blogs, changing venues, changing my persona.
I was comfortable with Maude until I got to Fancy Town. I was happy with her in Home City. So perhaps it's not about changing into something new, but trying to recapture or return to something that worked.
Don't misunderstand, I'm pretty happy with my life (money issues aside), but for the most part, I have rediscovered a love for my job. I find that even though my friend's tenure denial makes me question my own academic mortality this early on, and perhaps that's a good thing--I can either take ze's experience and try to learn from it, try to make sure that I have more than what I need in all areas of the tenure package and push for transparency in my own process rather than look at all of this as an exercise in futility and spiral into depression and despair, and make sure I get my own self together since I constantly struggle with getting things done. Not that I do actually really honestly think this is in any way about me. It is just making me think.
So while I've been wallowing since Spring Break--letting my diet slide which makes my body feel sick which affects my sleep and my ability to work out how I want to, letting my scholarship slide still, I think affected by my diet and health--when I'm a work out beast, I am a grading, prep, and teaching beast as well. Seriously. It's time to get back to business.
This is what needs to be finished this week, that is by Friday afternoon so that I can a) get back on track and b) get ahead:
Maude is now back!
I have missed Maude a lot lately. A LOT. I was sad she had such a sad ending, but she never left me.
I need a fresh start. When I feel as if the other blog has become a smorgasbord of whining, it's time to move on. I think.
Perhaps Nola needs to remain an academic personality. And I need to focus my academic issues somewhere and the other things I want to do somewhere else.
I feel like one of the things bothering me lately (aside from my friend's tenure denial, which is new to the list of things bothering me), I have been feeling lately like I want to create something. I mean, I haven't written in over a decade. Closer to two almost at this point. And I think this is behind my working out--it sounds weird, but I do feel like it's a creation of energy, a constant recreation of a newer me that comes with every work out. Does that sound nuts?
I have felt, for a while now, since before Christmas, that I'm in a rut in my life. In every way possible. I cut my hair, but I still feel like I look the same. I've bought a couple of pieces of new clothes and I've been able to get back into some of my favorite clothes, but not all of them, and I've tried to change up my make up and my accessories, but still, I feel in a rut. I've even changed up some stuff in my syllabi--it's gone *that* far. I bought new sheets and changed the look of the bedroom this weekend. I've switched daily coffee mugs. I've spent a stupid amount of time looking at new phones (it's time for my upgrade) because I feel that the iPhone has become part of my identity, and if I want a change, that needs to change, too. Nuts, right? I bought a bright new mug for my protein fruit shakes. I have even been wearing my contacts more rather than my glasses because I *always* wear my glasses and usually only wear my contacts for when I'm working out. And here I am, changing blogs, changing venues, changing my persona.
I was comfortable with Maude until I got to Fancy Town. I was happy with her in Home City. So perhaps it's not about changing into something new, but trying to recapture or return to something that worked.
Don't misunderstand, I'm pretty happy with my life (money issues aside), but for the most part, I have rediscovered a love for my job. I find that even though my friend's tenure denial makes me question my own academic mortality this early on, and perhaps that's a good thing--I can either take ze's experience and try to learn from it, try to make sure that I have more than what I need in all areas of the tenure package and push for transparency in my own process rather than look at all of this as an exercise in futility and spiral into depression and despair, and make sure I get my own self together since I constantly struggle with getting things done. Not that I do actually really honestly think this is in any way about me. It is just making me think.
So while I've been wallowing since Spring Break--letting my diet slide which makes my body feel sick which affects my sleep and my ability to work out how I want to, letting my scholarship slide still, I think affected by my diet and health--when I'm a work out beast, I am a grading, prep, and teaching beast as well. Seriously. It's time to get back to business.
This is what needs to be finished this week, that is by Friday afternoon so that I can a) get back on track and b) get ahead:
- Grade all the lit analyses from both classes (I've been sitting on these things for three days and haven't looked hide nor hair at them).
Actually, I've got to get the one class's essays done today. - Get caught up on this week's lit class readings and try to get a head for next week for those classes (really this one and the above are the two big things for this week).
- Map out a specific research and writing plan with a not too terribly flexible timeline, but get things written down and mapped out.
- Get one third to half of the freshman essays graded by the end of office hours on Friday.
- Do some meal planning.
- Keep up with workouts.
For this weekend, I've got to start prepping the veggies and stuff for the week ahead after we go to the grocery. I've also got that testing thing for HS stus that I have to show up for. I wonder if I'll be able to get work done during that time. That will make the cooking easier during the week and keep us from reverting to total laziness. And at some point I've got to get into that office of mine here and fix it up so it's a workable space for the both of us so that I don't have a computer sitting on the table all the time in the kitchen and so we can eat there more regularly which will make a difference in a lot of ways.
Well okay, so I have a plan.
Oh, and if you're wondering where the blog title and the blog address come from, it's from one of my all time favorite songs:
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