I feel like since I've been sick and unable to work out like I like to that I'm falling away from my XFit community. Or rather that since I don't have the energy to be the cheerleader non-stop* that the friends that I made over the summer are not so interested in really being friends anymore. Now, it may be that once I'm able to work out again regularly and am back to my old ways this will change. And it may be that I'm just being me and over sensitive, and in truth, I suppose it does seem that I'm pulling away, but only because of physical limitations right now. I don't feel very supported. And I feel like it's because I was one of the most gung-ho people who started with the box. I still want to compete one day. I was hoping it would be this year (even though I wouldn't make it any further than just our own little box), but I feel like since I can't, I'm regarded as a fraud right now by some. Again, perhaps I'm being over sensitive. I have invited people out. I have extended invitations to my home. And I've yet to have any of these offers reciprocated. And again, it's not about that. I don't invite people over with the expectation that I should receive an invite in return, but it's part of a larger pattern that I see right now. It can be exhausting to give of oneself in order to build a community that one believes in and feel taken for granted. Do I sound like a snob? Or do you get what I mean here? I don't want anything in return except perhaps to feel like I'm doing some good for someone or is that really selfish and asking too much?

The other problem I think, too, is that while I don't post anything political on FB, I "like" a lot of my same minded friends' political posts which I know shows up in the feed bar to the side, and my views are antithetical to just about everyone at the box. And the stuff that some of these people post, I just can't even wrap my head around, especially regarding gun control and birth control. Some of this stuff is borderline hateful and misogynistic (and also uneducated, even though some think they are highly educated, and the owner was an econ major and there are lots of science and engineering students and people who work out there, and do you know how many times I've had to listen to them talk about how pointless it was for them to have to take English classes and that their English classes were borderline worthless and I listen to them trash my colleagues because they're "assholes" or "boring" or "feminists who hate me" --that one astounds me because every single female in the department is married in a hetero relationship, so not a single one of them "hates men." That is exhausting, too. But they're all white men who know more than little ole me with my vagina and Ph.D. because it's in English). It's just starting to grate on me, all of this noise, and while the owner and the other coaches are great coaches, I have a hard time reconciling all that (especially since my competitions plans are on hold for at least another 8 months).

Is it that I just don't feel like anyone respects me? I felt respected as a hard working XFitter, as someone dedicated to one day competing, as someone dedicated to learning the skills and being my best me, as I did feel like my best person at the box over the summer at least, but I feel like, by necessity, I don't that have competitor's drive at the moment (well, I do, but I cannot act on it), that as a person outside of the box, I don't have the respect of a lot of the people there as a human being.

I will keep going, as upsetting or distasteful it may seem to me to support the owner right now (which probably isn't fair, but my god, how can I take someone seriously, especially a man who is about to be the father of a daughter, who doesn't believe that reproductive rights for women are actually rights???? Ah, but in the same breath is pissed off that his insurance is not covering over $2000 of his wife's birthing expenses. I don't get it--you can't have it both ways--you can't complain that it's not a right and then complain about your having to pay for it when you're arguing that health care is a joke and that women, and no one else, should be responsible for their reproductive care out of their own pockets. Fine. Don't complain about your $2500 girly care bill, and thank your insurance for not covering essential care for your wife and make her pay it since it involves her vagina and no one else's then.), but I believe that I am my best person all around when I am XFitting, and I want to continue. I will still continue to cheer and to high five everyone after every workout and do my own thing the best I can, and do my best with what I'm able to do right now.

Do I just sound like a whiny selfish baby here? Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I'm just a tad depressed from the lack of working out lately and upset with myself for not being able to do what I want to do with my body (while trying not to feel guilt over that anger/sadness), but whatever. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening all. I hope I didn't sound selfish and bitchy.

*I am really the only one who cheers *everyone* on. People cheer for their friends, and I do it in the hopes of getting others to rally and embrace one of the essences of XFit that I love--those who finish last get the loudest cheers, and what I so often see is that most people, when they are done with their workout, leave, even if there are still people struggling. That's not how it's supposed to be. The beauty of this sport is not every man for himself. I cheer for people I haven't even met yet, and try to learn names. But rarely do I receive the same. It's not about other people cheering for me as well, per se, and since I'm not there like I was to cheer every day, I am feeling a bit shunned.