Well, we're still moving right along over here. A quick update on the Magpie: we seem to be making steady improvement here on the prescription formula, which on the one hand is fantastic. Rarely does she scream in blood curdling gas pain for hours (even for minutes actually). On the other hand, it looks more and more like I will not be breastfeeding her again, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. She had her first round of blood tests for food allergies on Friday, and we should know something at our dr.'s appointment on Monday. Then I guess by next Thursday we will be able to make a decision, depending on what the blood tests indicate, whether I will get to start breastfeeding her again next weekend in addition to formula, or if it's over. It's very depressing to think that it might be over. It makes me very sad.
Since I've been sad, in part I'm sure to lack of sleep, and to having a sick baby* who has been average 1.5 doctor's appointments a week, and this stoopid elimination diet, I've been trying to figure out ways not to be sad or stressed. One is that I really need to make more of an effort to get to CF, regardless of my energy level or sadness. Because I seem to be getting sadder rather than happier lately. And that is exhausting as well.
In addition to trying to make myself workout (which I do so love, and the fact that I have to make myself do something I normally enjoy concerns me), I made a couple of decisions last week designed to make me happier. One was that since I have another two weeks on that elimination diet which was only designed for people to be on for two weeks, not four (and which I just should not have been on last week in all honesty), I suspended it this weekend and ate copious amounts of forbidden foods like beef (brisket, hamburgers, chili), eggs, oranges, salad, tomatoes, avocados, hot dogs, nuts, and carrots. And I felt good. It felt so good to get some fat and calories back in my diet. I had had a stomach ache for three days because of the diet, so I just decided that I needed to eat.
The other thing I decided was to stop spending all of my spare time grading and focusing on teaching prep. I have been seriously missing research and reading novels in my field, so last week, rather than grade every spare moment I had, I read. And I took notes. And I wrote down ideas. And I felt better. The result was that I had to spend a couple of hours on Sunday grading (though I'm trying not to grade or work at home), but I got more done in those two hours than I would have spending the two hours I spent on Thursday reading. Why? Because they had to get done, so I was moving with a purpose. Generally I don't sit on things that need to be graded. Generally I grade them when they come in. But I've been so tired and have had so much grading with the comp class that just felt like every day I was grading or worrying about grading, so I've decided that since the grading will get done because it needs to get done that Tuesdays and Thursdays I will spend at least 2 hours working on my research in some way. And it felt good on Thursday to do so. And mostly I've been trying to read while I've been pumping (which can get a little awkward when trying to take notes and underline things).
It bothers me that I'm not happy. I should be happy. I love being a mom, but even the time I carve out for myself is fraught with guilt to the point that I don't like to leave the house still. But I have found that getting back to some sort of research activity does make me happier. And I really need to foster that.
And I am looking forward to sitting and reading for a couple of uninterrupted hours today.
*look, I know there are people out there with actually sick and ill babies to whom my "plight" doesn't even compare, and I know I have much more support than the majority of parents out there. However, minor and fixable as her issues may be, they nonetheless require constant attention, which in and of itself is draining on every level.
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