I've spent a whole lot of time in my head this last week since I've been really sick. Now that I'm feeling better I find that I'm really depressed again. Perhaps it's still from lack of sleep (although admittedly, we all have been getting more this week! Yay!) and from being sick and just feeling down, but I'm sort of stuck in this place where I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Ideally, in a perfect world, I'd have a healthy baby, we'd be out of debt and with only one house, I'd quit my job and be a SAHM, and I'd write.
I think the thing that bothers me is that I spend more time focusing on the ideal rather than my reality and the conflict between the two depresses me because I don't know how to make the ideal into the real.
Even though we're still about four and a half years away from the Magpie going to school, I am nearly paralyzed with fear about her going to school because there are too many assholes with guns out there. I panic over the possibility of a stray bullet ripping through her head during breakfast like that poor little girl in Omaha.
These are the things on my mind today.
This really resonates with me: "I spend more time focusing on the ideal rather than my reality and the conflict between the two depresses me because I don't know how to make the ideal into the real."
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, the ideal isn't real. The real is real. Which can be depressing or totally liberating, depending on how you look at it....
Off my soapbox now. I'm so sorry that you're struggling, and I totally relate (also) to what you say in the last paragraph--sometimes I dream of homeschooling Bonaventure just to keep him out of danger (which is irrational, I know, especially since we live in Teeny Tiny Friendly Town). Mothering an infant is hard, and I suspect that not having had a proper maternity leave makes it even harder.
It'll get better. Summer will come. Get help if you need it--your needs are a very high priority right now.
Ugh. Blogger ate my comment.
ReplyDeleteBasically I was agreeing with you. I think two quarters of being sick, both me and the Magpie, and not having the proper maternity leave which would have gone a very long way in helping to deal with a sick child would have made a difference. I do need to accept and deal with what is my reality even though it's not what I want. I never, ever, in my wildest dreams thought that I'd want to be a SAHM though, and that's hard for me to deal with.
I do need to start making my health a priority though. It will be better for everyone if I do.
And thank you, too, for still reading and for your support. Bonaventure must be getting so big!! :)