I want to suck less at life.

I've started and stopped several posts the last couple of weeks.

I think my midlife crisis is indeed in full force. Or maybe not. I feel like this post might be a bunch of rambling and contradictory stuff, so bear with me if you're going to venture any further.

I have actually figured out a few things that are "wrong" with me, i.e., the things making me grumpy. My eyes are bad. Or, rather, my prescription is bad and it is making me super duper grumpilicious. I went to the eye doctor this morning. I got new glasses, new lenses, new contacts, the whole shebang. The contacts are more comfortable, but still, I'd rather have my glasses if I'm going to be at the computer or reading all day or grading or whatnot; however, I've got 10 days to 2 weeks before I get the new lenses for my old glasses, and probably around three weeks for the new glasses. I was hoping to have something by Christmas, and maybe I'll luck out with the new glasses. But my head constantly hurts from my old prescription now. It also turns out that I now have an astigmatism is both eyes, also probably contributing to my headaches. And I have this delayed onset hypersensitivity in my eyes from contacts that causes this inflammation on my cornea. So one or two of my mascaras I need to throw out because a couple of brands irritate me more than others if I think about it. My eyes and my head just hurt all the time right now. I know this is a big, big part of it.

I may also be coming down with a cold or something. Magpie is sick, again, what else is new, poor kid. So I'm sure my stress level, lack of real good sleep, and overall hating of all the things is affecting my immune system right now.

The big culprit though, and we'll see at the end of 30 days if this is indeed what is causing a large part of my problems lately is gluten. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm paleo; I shouldn't be eating gluten or grains anyway. It's the holidays. I cheat. At first it was fine. All I noticed was bloating, easily fixed with a run. But what I've noticed in the last two years, and what seems to get worse every time I reintroduce it to my diet (whether because of holidays or celebrations or being in a situation with no other choices except not eating) is that I find that my depression returns. It had been a long time since I'd felt really depressed (PPD aside), and maybe it's the Mirena in part playing havoc with my hormones, but there are several studies that have found that one does not need to be a celiac to have a gluten problem and that depression is a major symptom of non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I can have it here and there, but the accumulation of it is what gets me, and I can never just have it "here and there"; it always snowballs into something more than occasionally after that. It is making me mean, angry, and just overall horrible. And then of course I beat myself up for it, declare myself unfit for everyone, and hate myself even more. All I want to do is cry. It's a horrible way to live. I know that sounds dramatic, but it truly is. I'm miserable. I don't have any other way to describe it. I know I've got to make some permanent changes here for my mental health. I hate yelling at everyone all the time. I feel mean and low. I feel like I'm on the verge of a crisis. I don't know how else to describe it.

The stress that I feel over this right now, too, is just hurting my body. I'm sore beyond the normal workout stiffness. And I've been phoning in my workouts, too, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself. Because I'm stressed and cortisol production is up, I've gotten really soft in the last month without gaining weight and still maintaining my regular workouts. My clothes are tight, and it's all bloat. Scale has not moved one bit, and I've been active. I've been trying to meditate as well, but I need to keep working on that.

There are some things I'm going to begin working on during the break. For this week, my goal is just to get my workouts in, eat Whole30 style, and try not to go ballistic on anyone, and get all my grading done. I want to finish the novel I'm teaching this week by tonight really and get the one for when we come back finished before break. I'm going to push myself this week so I can get ahead and not have to worry over break about that and so I can focus on other things. Over break I want to:

1. Try to meditate for 10 minutes every day. I have this great app that I don't use like I should, and I really want to make this a priority for my sake as well as for others.
2. Finish the pleasure reading book I started over Thanksgiving break. I read so little for pleasure, and I want to finish the book.
3. Not treat my family like crap while I work through my own shit.
4. Get rid of stuff. Finish the shredding. Make the bedroom and bathroom livable. 
5. Run.
6. Cook.
7. Not think about work or school or what I need to write/research for at least one week of the break, and more importantly, not feel bad about it during that week or the week following it, unless I truly feel like writing or working. But I won't force myself to do so for at least a week. 
8. Try to enjoy what's left of the holiday season. 
9. Sleep. 

Over the next 30 days I am going to start working on cutting back on my caffeine intake. It's going to be rough at first, but since I'm already plagued with headaches from my eyes, will I even notice a caffeine withdrawal headache? Right now I drink coffee compulsively. I don't ever just sit with my cup of coffee and enjoy it anymore. I drink it without savoring it, and I end up drinking coffee or spark throughout the day to get me through the day (also part of my problems lately, too, I believe).  My caffeine intake has been jacked the last six weeks, and that's probably a major issue with trying to get some hormone levels balanced. So I need to cut back when I'm able to sleep and nap and stuff. 

While I am still bitchy and horrible and mean to everyone right now, I feel at least that I have identified some things as problems and I know what to fix or what to work on to see if it "fixes" stuff. And you know I'm a big fan of having a plan for everything. 

I just really want to suck less at life in general, and right now I just feel like I suck totally and completely in every single aspect of it.