Some Thoughts and Musings

Will it come as any surprise to you that nothing that I had planned to accomplish over break was accomplished? Probably not. Not even finishing the pleasure reading book.

I was complaining and boohooing and woe is me-ing for a while about it. But honestly, I woke up on January 1st and decided that I'd change my attitude about things.

So the baby was sick. Again. That's my life. She had a wicked cough, drainage in her ear which appeared to be painful, and the poor thing had a staph infection in three places on her lip. I get staph infections in response to stress. Maybe she does, too.

I have spent the last almost 2 years actually complaining about how life isn't fair--it wasn't fair that I was super pregnant and got stuck with an overload and couldn't fit in my research. It was fair that I had a c-section and a continuously sick baby. It wasn't fair that I longed to breastfeed and couldn't. It wasn't fair that I couldn't/can't seem to find time to work. It wasn't fair that every time I tried to get a groove going I couldn't and felt like it was nothing but stopping and starting all the time. It's not fair that I can't get a better schedule.

It's true. None of these things are fair. At all. But all I've done is dwell on these things for the past 2 years, and it's gotten me nowhere, really. I haven't accomplished what I've wanted to, and there are very pressing matters at hand (I do feel the sands of tenure time slipping away) that I need to just attend to and do. While I do think it is healthy to grieve and honestly even healthy to whine a bit, I've gone too far. I have plenty of time in the day. Or at least I think I do. What I think might help me is scheduling time to be lazy so I don't get burnt out. But that's another issue.

So here are some decisions that I've made:

1. The kid is going to be sick. She almost always is, and it almost always happens at the worst time possible. How do I deal with this? Stay on top of my work. Part of the problem is "Oh, I'll do this X day when I have time." No, that day never comes. Yeah, it's common sense, but hello, have you just met me? Have I just met myself?
2. For my mental health, I must avoid gluten. Seriously. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don't know why I do that to myself. 
3. I have to be okay with maybe only getting 4 workouts in a week. Most of the time I might be able to do more, but if the kid is sick or I am just way behind or need sleep, then I have to not beat myself up over only 4 workouts. I *have* to be okay with that.
4. There are lots of things about my job that I really don't like. The ridiculous amount of office hours for one. The quarter system for another. But would I rather spend 10 hours a week in my office for office hours or that many hours a week doing committee work or in meetings? I'd rather the office hours. For someone in my position, I have very little responsibility and commitments, but I complain and act as if my time is filled with administrative and committee tasks and student commitments. It's not. Why not be happy with what I have? Getting the remainder of my tenure requirements fulfilled is certainly doable. I just have to figure out how to do it.
5. I don't want to be such a Negative Nancy any more. My life is not as terrible as I make it seem.
6. Sometimes things will get rough, and that's okay, too. I can cry and feel overwhelmed and angry, but then I can deal with things and move on. 

I've really spent a lot of time over break thinking about some of the decisions I've made and attitudes toward things that I've had, and it hit me hard when I ran into someone at the grocery store and my default mode when into the negative rather than the positive. Yes, Magpie's been sick. Yes, it's exhausting to be stuck at home with a sick toddler who feels horrible and can't nap and won't eat because everything hurts. But you know what is not horrible? Being stuck at home with a toddler and watching her learn to walk and watching her curiosity entertain her and watching her explore and smile and giggle and getting to catch a rare snuggle on the recliner with her. She is a walking and talking jabberbox now who really just about loves everything. How is that bad? It's not. 

The messy house is still stressing me out, but maybe I can get to that this weekend if my mom is feeling better (or maybe I can tackle it Friday when baby is in daycare). 

So the plan for this week academically is to knock out next week's and the week after's novels (both of which I've read and taught before) so that I can spend next week putting together a paper proposal for ALA, jump start the third week's readings and get back to work on the book proposal and article. It's doable. 

I like having plans, but my other realization is that I need to be a bit more flexible for when things don't go to plan because they never do, right?