Apprehensively approaching a new normal

I'm so ready for this quarter to be over. I never ever ever ever ever ever ever want to do another on-line class, ever. To be fair, I did ask for it. I thought it would help me manage my time better and free up some time for research and help if the kid got sick, but so far it has been a major time suck and unending. However, that being said, I've had some wonderful and engaged students this quarter, far better in taking the initiative to learn than my grad students, to be honest, so it hasn't been horrible on that front. But I'm ready for it to be over.

Once it's over though, I have the schedule from hell to look forward to for the spring. I hope my mother's doctor's appointment goes well and she's fine because I want her to be fine and okay, and I'm selfish too and need her help here. Because the *only* way my schedule can be managed in the spring is if my parents are in town. It's seriously the only way it can work, and if they're not here, then we're all really screwed. It will be unmanageable and stressful. So I hope all the doctor's appointments go well because anti-depressants or not, I can't handle a sick mom and a shitty teaching schedule.

I mean, this is part of the problem. Every time I think about it, I get angry. Nothing can be done about it. It's set. And obviously I never have any tendency toward pessimism (ha!), so I'm anxious and worried about what can/might happen. Sigh. That's why I'm busting my ass right now trying to get all these things done so that way if/when the shit does hit the fan, I can cope better with it and things won't be a disaster. And at this point I'm certainly thankful for the anti-depressants. I told the J this morning that I felt like the meds had speed in them, and he said, "No, that's what *normal* feels like. Getting through your day shouldn't be a challenge." That was a huge "eureka" moment for me. I don't know why it takes me so long to get these things. I remember now that this is what I used to feel like.

Though I'm not "supposed" to hole myself up in my office and work, I'm supposed to be out there walking around the building being social and what not, I still have a bad attitude, and I'm sticking to my office because I don't want my bad attitude to seep through right now while I work on not having a bad attitude.

And now that lunch is almost done, back to plugging away. I just had to empty my brain a little bit before I got back to work.