Our Title IX/diversity officer works for the president--this person is also his secretary. I don't feel like I could even go to her and ask her advice without it coming back to me.

My colleague who was hired at the same time I was just had his talk with our boss. Our meetings were dramatically different--he was not told to show up at every single thing (I actually attend MORE college and university functions than he does, just fyi). He was not told to smile more, and nor was he told that people are watching how often he's sick (and there are quarters where he has missed significantly more classes than I have).

I know much of this is related to his having all of his pubs in print currently and meeting the minimum requirement for scholarship. I have not, yet.

My drinks with my colleague was very enlightening on many levels. One, I have a better sense of where I stand. Two, we cleared the air about some things, because I need as many allies as I can get at this point, and my boss has created such an environment for me that I have no idea who I can trust, which only makes me paranoid and only hurts me. I am trying to keep everything out in the open here.

My colleague suggested that I meet with the Dean to a) kiss ass and politic and make it clear that yes, I love it here, yes I want tenure, yes my grad class was a disaster and here's why, and b) ask him what his sense of where I stand is and kiss his ass by asking for his advice. Yay, so basically, I let him stare at my boobs for about 45 minutes, stroke his ego, and maybe it helps me. I know that's a cynical way to look at it, but it might not hurt (as Heu Mihi had already suggested talking to the dean).

The other thing I might consider looking into is about a tenure deferment based on Magpie's volume of illness over the last nearly three years. The only thing that concerns me at this point about that is that I wonder if it will further justify those concerns that I can't Mom and Academic at the same time, that even if that extra year means I have everything in print that exceeds the minimum requirement, it won't matter? What are your thoughts on that my peeps? I mean, it might be worth looking into, not that that means I have to act upon it.

I guess for me this depends on what I can get done in the next two months. I don't think what I want to do is impossible at all, but very challenging and will require me to dedicate myself in ways that I haven't in a while and will also mean a lot of sacrifice at this point.

So I wrote that days ago, and just never hit publish.

I guess I will continue. As fucked up as this is, it is actually a relief to know that I'm not paranoid and that m fears are justified in that I *am* being treated differently than my colleagues. I also spoke with the person who has a schedule that I want and asked said person if the schedule was punishment, if he asked for it, how he got it. He was offered two choices in which the chair was trying to accommodate him and his hour commute, and offered him the back to back to back because the chair thought it would be a good schedule so my colleague wouldn't have to make his commute five days a week. Not once did she say, "This is a lot of teaching in a row. I don't recommend that at all." No, to him it was presented as a good idea to help him maximize his day.

When I asked for it, this is what I got: "No no. You don't want to teach three classes in a row. No, when are you going to be able to figure out when to eat lunch? You need to have a break between classes. You won't be able to handle that [I teach four straight hours in a row now]. I don't think it's wise to have a schedule like that."

So either she does think it's a bad idea and she was trying to punish colleague without him thinking it was punishment, or she thinks that I'm too weak and not smart enough to figure out how to pee and eat in between classes and that I'm too fragile to teach 3:45 in a row.

I see where I stand.

My goal for this week is to get the online class stuff finished up for the quarter so all I have to do is moderate the forums and grade their assignments. I want everything done. I plan on finishing up a couple of books this weekend, too for the other class. Fortunately some of what I need to work on will benefit the class next quarter. But I need to get a writing/research schedule, plan, and deadlines set for from next Monday to Memorial Day. As I think I mentioned above, I have a lot to do. I'm exhausted thinking about it; however, my parents are in, thankfully, and that has helped with my stress level a lot. I'm able to work out. I don't have to worry about meals. My mom's been cooking and keeping up with the laundry. So that's been a big help. I still can't seem to get caught up on my work, but it's getting better at least I think.

Nevertheless though, I am disgruntled. But that shouldn't hinder me from getting my work done. Sigh.