As you know, I have to have something physical to balance out the mental, and when I am working out, I tend to feel better about myself which in turn makes me more productive on the academic side. I think better. I'm more focused. I have a clearer sense about what needs to be done. And I'm generally more hopeful about what I can do. Plus, it's become a habit for me to maintain getting up at 4:30 to workout by 5 this quarter (when I work out later is actually when my research suffers--I get up, get the workout out of the way, and I'm done with that for today). Like this morning--up, at the gym by 5, and between 8:20 and 9:05, I knocked out 20 lit responses already, which will most likely leave me time today during my afternoon hours to work on research because that time has been freed up. Though I oddly, at this moment feel like I'm having to justify my working out to you guys. It's weird.

What this is leading up to is that after four years of CF, I'm setting aside some of my CF goals for other ones. Part of my problem this last year has been that despite the fact that I'm strong, and in shape, I still have body composition issues. And though the antidepressants have made this a little bit better, it's true that when I feel like shit physically, the writing that I need to do seems pointless because all life is hopeless.

I'm starting a new program. I will still do CF 2-3 times a week simply to maintain that aspect, but I've decided that something that will help me stay in the place mentally that I need to be in this summer to finish the massive projects I have (and will NOT cut into my research time) is that I'm going to begin to pursue something that I've wanted to do since I was a kid.

I am going to be a body builder.

I already have a coach.

Of course, any sort of serious training that involves competing cannot and will not happen until October after I turn in my tenure portfolio. So there is no worry there that I'm doing something foolish here that is actual sabotage to my work. No. Rather the work that needs to be done will not take up any more time than going to CF at 5 am will.

I view the connection here between body and mind as compatible. I am hoping that the discipline and focus in the one will strengthen the discipline and focus in the other (my former undergrad advisor and current mentor told me to look at my research in the same way I view my workouts, so to me, it makes sense). In any case, I'm looking for anything positive to help me get my work done this summer.

I am super excited about this. As excited as I am about my projects that I'm working on.

Project update:
Since things have been somewhat hectic with the return of everyone, my time at night and in the morning (I've been skipping workouts in favor of catching up on work which has made me feel bad physically all last week) has been used to get caught up on my reading for class rather than research. But I feel like by tomorrow I'll be back on schedule somewhat with my article. The article version of the conference paper will be done by the time I leave for the conference come hell or high water. I'm a week behind already, but that has to get done, and I'm giving myself just a month for the next one (since I'll be out of class and can devote more time) so that way I can spend the remainder of the summer on the big project. It's doable, but will take some work.

Anyway, last week I felt like all was lost. This week I think I have a better handle on things, so we'll see how that goes. I am hopeful though.