I have two things to write about today that have been on my mind.

1. Bodybuilding is a lot like academia. It's shocking how much the similarities between the two are. It became pretty clear by the fourth day that I have entered into another academic like occupation, for lack of a better word. It is focused and solitary. There's a sense of "do I even belong here?" hovering over the workouts. Judgmental in that way of putting your work out there for students, colleagues, whomever, to evaluate. It's both performative and isolating. I miss the more community aspects of CF; however, to keep the analogy of academia going, CF is more like the wine reception at a conference and bodybuilding is more like all the research and writing that goes into the article.

Part of my desire to do this though (and to start it now which might seem counter-intuitive given what needs to be done this summer) is because I know in October, when I turn that tenure portfolio in, I'm going to be somewhat lost as to what do I do next? I will still have things to write, but I fear that turning that file in is going to lead to something akin to postpartum depression, and I will need something to focus on while I wait for months for a decision. If the summer goes even halfway as planned, I should be fine, but I also know that my boss is terrible at communicating and allaying anxieties, so it will be months of "you're fine" with "well, I don't know."

That being said, we are at the end of our quarter here, and if anything has taken time away from my own work it's been the end of the quarter grading. Which I'm not as far along as I usually am at this time, but that's probably because I have a MWF this time and still have tomorrow. The grading is done except for one paper and a handful of students who are taking their exam tomorrow; it's mostly the tedious work of calculating everything at this point.

2. The quarter is not even over, but I'm already having the "OMFG! Summer is already over!" panic anxiety. I've got a lot to do between now and Wednesday. I've got a lot to do this summer. In true Maude fashion, I've pushed things off that I should have been working on because of the illusion of time, and now I'm panicking. It's not even June. I haven't even posted grades, and already I'm panicking about the summer being over and it's stressing me out and giving me a headache. Part of me feels like I have time. Like I can accomplish a lot in five hours a day during the week and grabbing an hour here and there on the weekends. Like that should be time to get things done, right? But I worry. And worry. And stress. And worry. My goals are always ambitious, and I've not met any of them yet. My track record makes me nervous.

So there it is. Focus and discipline in the one should translate to the other. Maybe what I need to do is map out the night before what I want to do the next day, like I do with the body building. I have a plan. I know what needs to be focused on for that day. I'm going to try that. I don't know why I don't do that already.