I WILL NOT FAIL.

I had made some progress on work, and now I'm back to overwhelmed again.

I am nearly paralyzed by my fear of failing this summer with my work. Granted, I've gotten more done this summer than I have in the last three summers combined, but that's not saying much, really.

I addition to being overwhelmed, I'm angry, which is also unproductive. I'm angry at myself for putting myself in the position I'm in. I'm angry at my boss for her lack of support and her creating a hostile work environment for me which had me shut down for most of the academic year. I'm angry that I got taken in by her, and let her feed into my insecurities. I'm angry that most of the year I've just been basically blackmailed with getting tenure, and I'm still super worried, because I'm still working on stuff, that it won't happen. I'm angry that I've got at least 10 months of worry and anxiety ahead of me because of her, that the blackmail will continue until a decision is made around March or April of next year.

I know there are two things I can do: Nothing, or Get Shit Done.

I know that anger and hatred are not productive. I know that. Sometimes I need to grit my teeth and express that.

I feel paralyzed right now too by the need to get things done, to finish the articles. I feel like I can do nothing else until that happens. I cannot clean, gut, plan, do anything that will take up any more mental space than what I need to work on. I resent though that since my daughter is home right now that I have to spend time away from her to get work done. I keep telling myself that next year it won't matter--I'll either have tenure or I won't, in which case I'll have time with her. But next year will be different than this year. I don't want to fail her though. I don't want to be unemployed. I don't want to be the one who didn't get tenure.

I will get my stuff done. I am working on my stuff. I am making progress. I guess the fear is that it won't matter really, because my boss, for all her "I want you to get tenure" doesn't ring true to me. I feel like I have the unconditional support of one solid person who may or may not end up on my committee. The gender discrimination over the last year has me so out of sorts with my department, the "rules" that have been enforced upon me--don't miss work, don't even post stuff about the kid or even non work related stuff on FB, be better, smile more, look nicer, etc., it's almost too much to bear at this stage in the game when I have stuff to do and need to do more. Oh, I was also told that, too, that the minimum requirements for me were "the minimum," that I needed more than the minimum if I wanted to be successful. Well, then, that's not the minimum requirement is it? And I've been told that the "minimum" is flexible depending on who you are. And if I don't get tenure, then I cannot help to change any of these things: I cannot work to change the climate of the department, the discrimination in the department, the lack of support in the department. There is nothing that I can do because my boss just dangles that carrot in front of my face.

In part, I hate myself for being so fucking spineless.

I dream of the life I want. I agonize over the things that are on hold. Both of which are somewhat counter-productive at this point, except that when I get my work finished, when I do what needs to be done, I can focus on those other important things. I can suck it up until September. I can. I can make time for the kid amidst work. I will not fail. I will not fail. I. WILL.NOT.FAIL.

And on that note, I'm off to sneak in what little work I can before the kid gets up.