I came up to campus before my class in order to try to get some sort of work done. What am I doing instead? Blogging here. I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the quarter already. Everything feels like such a mess now. I hate feeling this far behind, or rather feeling not ahead, this early in the quarter. I worry at this point that having my parents around hinders my work more than it helps it. I mean, I hate to say that because I enjoy having them around and having the help, but my mom's not helpful advice is "well, just go work." It is that easy, and it's not that easy, you know. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about.
I've been freaking out a bit lately because tenure application is looming, as in like the beginning of next year and I'm still short on my scholarship and I'm freaking the fuck out.
I found out yesterday that I still have two years. Apparently there was some big miscommunication and we all thought we were going up next year. Nope. Confirmed by the chair, our contracts double checked; I have a stay of execution. Of course that means I still proceed as I planned to this year with what I need to get done and whatnot; however, it means that I've got a cushion next year to get even more stuff sent out. And it gives me two more years of cyber camp to bank money just in case, rather than just one. And I feel better about trying to buy a minivan now. (Yes, I am JONESING for a freaking minivan).
I'm really really depressed this morning for some reason, too. If you asked me to attribute any sort of real reason to it, I don't think I could. I feel cluttered. Everything feels like it's a mess and that I just don't have time to fix any of it. I guess I can only do what I can do, right? But it needs to be more. I have plenty of time, I just don't know how to organize it.
Also, the last couple of days the Magpie has been getting up at 6. On the one hand, a huge problem because that leaves me no time in the morning to get last minute work done. On the other hand, come October when I have to start taking her to workout with me (it's either that or she gets dropped off at daycare at 7 am, and I'm not willing to do that), I'm going to need her to wake up around 6:15, and she's still getting 12 hours of sleep, and I know it's better for daycare because then by 11, she's ready for a nap, so I have to figure out a way to deal with that. Sigh.
But I guess now it's crunch time, and there are things that need to get done now to ensure that I'm still employed in the future, and I was fortunate enough to get to spend tons of time with the Magpie last year, and did very very little in terms of work, so I'm thankful for that. So I guess now it's time to get to work.
I may make a list today to keep everything straight and to feel like I'm accomplishing things when I cross stuff off.
You can do this! You know you've got this!
ReplyDeleteHave you been having annual reviews? Are the guidelines completely explicit about the number of publications you have? If so, I'd just focus on meeting those and figuring out how to get that done. (Say you need two more publications -- okay, how can you get two pubs out the door? Look at edited collections that are asking for stuff and what you have started and go for it.) Maybe only do conferences if they are helpful for you in terms of getting conference papers together that lead to articles or the intellectual stimulation gets you excited about your work. You have limited time and energy and can't do everything. (I found that once I had AC, my passion for working on scholarship kind of plummeted.) But you got that dissertation done and if we can live through that, we can do anything!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you've got the back-to-school blues. And it sounds like it'll be great for you and your family when your parents are gone. You're lucky to have them, but you'll also be lucky when they leave too.
If you want to have an accountability club, let me know. My quarter starts soon, and I could definitely use the extra oomph. I'm so lazy!