A Host of Complaints and Gripes

Please indulge me some more as I continue to whine here.

I'm in a rut. Again. It seems like my life is a rut. Honestly, I think this is in many ways the result of camp. I like the camp; I like my colleagues; but there is no down time whatsoever during the week, and while I can be fairly social, the constant barrage of people gets to me. I should go hide in my office for a bit during the week; however, if my boss knows that I'm hiding in my office, then it won't solve my hiding problem.

Part of the problem, too, is that I appear to be moderately depressed right now. All the time I spent cleaning before camp just seems like a waste as we're back to clutter because there's no time to maintain anything which means that Monday again becomes a sort of wasted day because I have to sort of "redo" everything so that I can work again and while it's a minor thing, that just gets me down. Even though I feel like I'm trying hard, I don't think I'm trying hard enough, so there's that anxiety to deal with as well. I have the time to do the things I need to do, but I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities and summer seems like it's slipping away (although I know that yes, it's technically not even really mid-June--almost, but not totally). And maybe I should have just slept in. I might feel better then.

I realize that there has been a dramatic shift in my attitude in the last two weeks. In part I recognize that that's camp. While I do have the option of a break or two to come home for lunch and dinner on camp days, I'm at camp for over 12 hours most days, so even when I am trying to be productive, it's hard to focus on my work. The others seems to be good at it, but when they all leave to go do stuff, someone needs to man the fort. And again, to go to my office means risking getting snagged by boss which would guarantee that I not get any work done. At night I don't like to be up on the second floor at night by myself.

Furthermore, I know that the kid is struggling with my being gone and not spending as much time with her.

However, I think at the heart of my kind of malaise right now, which is always festering at the back like an academic sore, is if I want to stay here. I know I wrote back in the beginning of the year about how I needed to and was working on shifting my attitude toward my job. Don't get me wrong; it is a good job. I know the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side, and there are lots of reasons for me not to even attempt to look elsewhere, most especially because of it's location near my family (at least many of them are between a few hours to a day's drive away), and that makes a big difference. Believe me, I know and understand the privilege I have in having a t-t job, too. And there are hardly any options whatsoever in my field right now.

Herein lies the problem: how do I do what I want to do with the options I have? I can't figure out how to make my life work. I have some idea of how it should be, even in its messiness. But that's my problem with everything just about--implementation. I can see the big picture; I can see the very narrow, focused picture, but everything in between in the problem for me.

Another problem I know I have right now is the focus on things, the material, that if I had x, y and z and all the rest of the alphabet would fall beautifully into place and solve my problems (right? which is the fantasy of looking for/getting another job--it would be magic!) and I recognize that and struggle against this. If I were happy with my appearance, then I could focus on my work. If I had a bigger house, then I could focus on my work because everything would have its place and we wouldn't be tripping over each other. If I could pay off bills, I would have to work over summer and could focus on my work.

It seems the obvious solution then is to actually focus on my work. In my head there needs to be this magical time when all the stars align and things are perfect that allow me to settle down and focus, when the solution is to fuck everything else and just settle down and do it.

And so I wait. I wait for Monday to arrive when the duties of the weekend are over, when there is no camp to rush to, when I can actually sit for a couple of hours and read some stuff I need to for my article. I bide my time until then.