In theory, I love the summer time. In practice right now, it has me totally stressed out.

If I can't make my summer go for me like I need it to, then next year is going to be stressful and difficult.

I'm in this weird place between being totally hopeful and optimistic and completely despondent. I feel both confident and on unstable ground lacking in all confidence in every way. I feel both happy and entirely depressed. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I am entirely focused on my body. This is a large part of the problem. I'm back to being obsessed with it. This is not healthy. I know when I focus on health and fitness the weight comes off. Right now, I am utterly obsessed with the scale, which makes me hate myself for being focused on that, and that's not healthy either.

I feel like I have somehow developed an eating disorder (and I don't say that lightly) in the last few months. This is why I cannot get anything done, and cannot be like anybody from Frozen and just "let it go."

I have to think through this. But first, the kid is awake, so to be continued...

Continued, a day or so later..

I am really really struggling with body image. So much so that it's taking up a lot of my mental energy and actually preventing me from being able to get some stuff done. I've had to do a lot of rethinking about what I'm doing. I mean, in the last three months I have become obsessed with trying to lose weight and in the last eight weeks, I have obsessed over food, had much more food guilt than I normally do, and I weight each thing I eat in terms of "okay, if I eat this, what will the scale say tomorrow? If I don't eat this, it will be lighter."

That is not healthy. Not at all.

I've gotten a bit better in the last few days about this though. It's just that I look like a linebacker in the bridesmaid's dress. For real. I'm not feeling very confident about it.

I hate that I'm so focused on my body/appearance. But, like I said, in the last couple of days I've gotten a little bit better about it.

I'm tired though. I've spent too much mental energy focused on this. I want it to stop.