I've been struggling a lot lately with being overwhelmed by the looming specter of tenure. I don't go up until next year, but I'm still short on my scholarship. I think that's what happened this summer. Rather than just getting it done and being done with it so this year didn't become a horror research, writing, and stress, this year is looking to become that horror. And I don't function well in that kind of environment at all. And wanting to get it done because I want tenure isn't enough.
I'm just not a good worker. I have a terrible work ethic. Maybe it's not as bad as I think because I am able to get everything for my teaching done that I need to do; however, I can't apply that same sort of urgency and motivation to my scholarly work. Because if I'm being honest with myself here, I didn't get anything done this summer because once I realized that I couldn't get everything done, I freaked out about what should/needs to be done and just imploded and nothing got done.
So here I am, the year before tenure hoping that I don't fall into classic Maude and flake out.
Here's the other real problem. I've not actually ever written a full length, fully researched article. Ever. I've written seminar papers; I've written short articles and short book chapters; I've written conference papers. But I've never undertaken article writing. Ever. And I'm scared that I can't do it. That I have forgotten how to research. I'm scared that I can't be a professor, scholar, wife, mother, and person. I'm scared that I will actually make a valiant effort at tenure and still fall short.
My fear has left me paralyzed. My paralysis has left me unproductive and stressed and depressed. If I spent the time working on this that I spent worrying about it, I might be done. But I'm having a hard time moving past that.
I know I need to face my fear. I know I need to devote more than an hour a day to this and stop congratulating myself for getting an hour of work in. I need to make the research a priority for this year, even if it means my teaching falters a little bit because that's good enough for that end, and make this the number one priority. There's too much at stake for me not to.
If you do an hour a day of actual productive research work, focusing on getting the papers you need, that could be enough - it is amazing (at least, I have found it so) how much you can do in an hour a day once you can shut off the mean voices in your head! I have much sympathy on the problem of trying to do All The Things, then actually doing None Of The Things - membership of writing groups has really helped me get better at picking Just One Thing that can make the most difference, and focusing on it.
ReplyDeleteIf a little structure and a friendly support group who are not at your institution would help, the current version of the on-line academic writing group is starting up for the rest of the semester this week over here - you would be SO welcome to come and join us, and it might help, you never know... hope to see you over there
Do congratulate yourself on an hour a day, if you're able to get that in. That's impressive. As JaneB says, an hour a day of actual, focused work can be pretty amazingly productive.
ReplyDeleteJaneB and Heu Mihi, thanks for your advice and support. JaneB, I joined the group.
ReplyDelete