I'd like to say first that it does feel somewhat good to be blogging on the regular again. I think it's a sign that I'm feeling better.

You know, I have my under grad prof who's been wonderfully supportive throughout the years and who has thrown publishing opportunities my way in order to help me, and for a long time now I  feel like I've been a disappointment to him because he gives me advice, I try to follow it, I don't finish what I'm doing, and I'm sure it's frustrating for him in the same way it's frustrating for a parent to watch her child flounder and try and fail. So I told him that I it turns out that I haven't been flaking out on him, but that I've been clinically depressed for a while (I can't believe, still, that none of us figured this out sooner--I mean, the clinical part), and his response? "That explains everything! No wonder you are having so much trouble!"

This is why I'm thankful for him--I feel others might just shake their heads and think, "oh, it's just another of Maude's excuses, blah, blah, blah," but I love his positive response. I am so thankful for that man.

I have my moments still, and I think I've started to even out a little bit from the initial shock to the system, but I feel like I got this taken care of in the nick of time. (Now if all of this energy could help me get my house in order!)

I am still struggling a bit with some things albeit ever so slightly. I will say this, at least each setback?disappointment? obstacle? (I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here) doesn't seem insurmountable. Things seem doable, which is a huge change from before, obviously.

I do need to learn some patience though. I am still terribly frustrated with my weight and my body. I just cannot seem to get the weight to budge, at all. I mean, I'm fit, I'm healthy, I'm fairly strong, but neither the scale nor the tape is budging nor are my clothes fitting any better. Perhaps the take away for now is that at least the antidepressants have made it possible for me to work out consistently the last two weeks, and getting up and getting to the 5 am class and working out first thing in the morning (like my old self) has gotten easier, but it's discouraging. My diet is fairly clean, but maybe it needs to be cleaner. And I want to stop spending so much brain time focused on this. And maybe when I stop focusing on this, that will be when everything starts to fall into place.

That being said, I need to hit the gym now. I'm out of town with the English honor society kids for the big international convention, so I need to get my work out time in so I'm not a cranky woman all day for not having done so. Thankfully they all wanted to sleep in after a super long day yesterday, so breakfast isn't until 9:30, but still, I need to get myself down to the work out area before everyone else does. I feel like this is probably prime time, but surely there will be some sort of machine open.