The Other Shoe

You know how I'm all "Negative Nancy" most of the time and how I said that I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop? It has. And you know how I said that this schedule that my boss gave me *only* works because and if my parents are in town? So what happens when the other shoe that drops involves my parents perhaps having to leave indefinitely? It means that my boss has set me up for potential failure.

My mom has to go back to home to go to the doctor, again. Here's what pisses me off about her doctor. Seven weeks ago they found something that they thought might be scar tissue from an ovarian cyst she had removed like 20 years ago. But they were suspicious. So, my thought is if you are suspicious that this is perhaps an ovarian cancerous tumor, you do a biopsy then rather than wait. They decide to wait to do another ultrasound to see if it grows (which in terms of suspected ovarian cancer, that seems highly irresponsible to me). It does not. But now her doctor's all like "hmmm, I'm not comfortable with this; you need to go to an oncologist stat to get this checked out. I'll call you back with an appointment." Two days have passed and we're all on fucking pins and needles about this appointment. If it's just a cyst, it will need to be removed anyway. No one is terribly worried that it might be cancer because she has NO symptoms of either a cyst or cancer. And these things just generally aren't asymptomatic. It's possible, but highly unlikely. There is the possibility though that they might be gone indefinitely.

Here's the other wrinkle: the J will be gone the entire month of April. He got the go ahead from all of us to attend the April class of a school he needs because Mom and Dad are supposed to be here. He can neither cancel nor reschedule at this point.

It's true, I'm hoping for the best. I'm trying to prepare for the worst. I mean, I know like this sounds like it's about me, but I'm so worried about my mom that I can neither eat nor sleep right now. And I know that the schedule I have allows me NO ROOM for contingencies (which is why I asked for the schedule I asked for in the first damn place). It doesn't help that I'm also, on top of worry, lack of sleep, and lack of eating, seething with anger over the potential issues I'm facing with my office hours and fall out with my boss because of this schedule. First of all, it is exhausting. I need the TTh to recover from the hell that is my MW, so honestly, I refuse to give up one of those days off to come into the office to make up any office hours I may have to miss because of the schedule. Nor will I drop the kid off at 7:30 in the morning at daycare and leave her there until 4:15. No.

I feel like now I've got about two weeks to get all the rest of the stuff that I've been working on that has an immediate deadline done. I've got to get it done before the J leaves town. I'm starting to worry about my ability to get all the things done I need to by July and September. It's my own fault for allowing myself to be in the situation and not get this stuff done earlier so that I wouldn't be in this position. But honestly, I feel defeated at this moment. And of course, everything will/should/may turn out just fine and there be just a little hiccup here.

We were supposed to go out of town next week for Easter to my aunt's. We have decided not to, because we don't know when Mom's doctor's appointment will be and how long she'll be gone, so I need to stay home and try to get something done (and working at my aunts will be impossible). Of course, Mom hasn't told my aunt yet, so we can't tell her we're canceling Easter until Mom tells her, so there's all that stress, too. I think the kid suspects something's up too because she's been really out of sorts. And there's no way I'm telling my boss about all of this because it just becomes another example of how I can't keep my $hit together. (Although, I will argue that any potential mess that happens is a result of her actions, not mine). Sigh. Hopefully all this worry is for nothing. But how can I not worry? It would be different if the J were not also leaving for an entire month.

Honestly, I seriously don't know how I'm going to handle this. I really don't. And maybe I'm PMSing and that's making it worse, but seriously, I feel like the world is falling apart.