The Best Laid Plans and the Wrenches in Them

Well, okay. I have a quick couple of minutes here.

I've gotten through some of the work that needs to be done, at least related to my classes. The hubs has been called up for flood duty with the Guard, and well, he's now gone indefinitely, so it's just me and the Magpie. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle this on my own. I guess the blessing is the on-line class which work heavy as it is, it does not require me to be on campus those extra four hours a week which frees up time to get other things done that I won't be able to do during the weekend because it will be just me and the kid, for possibly three weeks. It might not be that long, but it very well could be until the end of the month.

I am, however, regardless of what it means for grading, for my office hours, whatever, I am going to work out this week though. It actually means I'll be late to my office hours tomorrow and Thursday because I can't work out until I drop the kid off at daycare, but honestly, I feel like the only way I'm going to get everything done and not lose my $hit is to actually work out. I contemplated not going today and just trying to finish grading. But I feel like I'm going to spend all afternoon grading anyway, so I think both mentally and physically I will benefit more from working out rather than not working out.

I didn't get the stuff done that needed to get done during my office hours because I was chatting with a colleague, and one who feels I'm distant and defensive and who will be on my committee, so I need to rebuild that relationship. Campaigning is exhausting. But, regardless, I think that things will go so much more smoothly for me in terms of stress and sanity if I get the work outs in this week, especially since I won't be able to work out at all this weekend. The kid doesn't really like going to crossfit if she has to sit still. It's a big place; she likes to run around, and well, that's not safe if I'm working out.

I will just keep saying: I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. If I can work out and get sleep, I can do this. And even if those things don't happen, I can still do this.

I feel like I owe you all an apology for the horrendous amount of negativity I spewed out on Tuesday.

I've been able to get some rest this week and have been able to start getting caught up with my classes, so I'm feeling better. And actually allowing myself to be sad on Wednesday and even cry a little bit helped a lot with getting some of that stress out. And venting on here on Tuesday helped, too. Also, I figured out what was keeping the dog up at night and keeping us from sleeping, so I've gotten a couple of night's sleep now, too. First time in a month actually that I've gotten two nights of sleep and one of those nights was totally uninterrupted! That makes a difference.

I have been thinking a lot since my outburst on here on Tuesday. I know the funk I've been in since the academic year started has a lot to do with stress and exhaustion. I have been completely unorganized since August. I have been gaining weight since last April. I just feel that for the last two years things have not gone right, and the more I dwell on what should have been vs. where I actually am, the angrier and more stressed out I become, and it's an endless cycle of things that shouldn't be.

I am filled with a lot of anger, and it's really starting to take its toll. I don't like what is happening to me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I've been inspired by Heu Mihi's recent posts. And whether she knows it or not, she's long been an inspiration and model for me, since like 2006? 2007? when I first started blogging.

What I need is a serious John Cena sized Attitude Adjustment, and I need to get over my sourness and bitterness. Because maybe it's not that this isn't how it was supposed to go, but maybe this is exactly where I'm supposed to be at this moment. I can't for the life of me figure out why though--how I've ended up in what I deem a shitty situation here--exhausted, depressed, struggling with mom weight and a lack of activity and sleep, and totally stressed out and behind on my publications and totally freaking out about tenure. I don't like the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit, and I'm not saying that here at all. What I'm trying to do is figure out a way to deal with my grumpiness and stress and be productive and not continue to hate all the things. Because friends, I've noticed that the one word I keep repeating over and over and over again in my life right now is the word hate. That is not healthy.

This is where I am. How do I move forward from here? I would say "Just survive winter quarter," but I don't want to just "survive." That's what I did last quarter, and I feel worse off than I did at the beginning of that quarter.

I've not done anything that's made me happy in almost 8 weeks now friends. I haven't done any work on any scholarship. I haven't worked out (like maybe 8 times, and six of those times was during Thanksgiving break when we were off, so since my birthday, once). This week was the first week in seriously like 8 weeks (so since before Thanksgiving) that I've actually cooked all week and haven't ordered take out or eaten out once. I totally disappeared on Top Left Quadrant.

The goals I set last year at this time? I met not a single one.

Again.

That is the story of my life, and at 40, that's starting to weigh me down.

I didn't want to be here at 40, but I am. I have to work from there. It  has me extremely depressed, to tell you the truth.

Today, I am going to knock out some more work to get caught up in my classes. The on-line class is waiting for stuff from me. The upper division class is waiting for stuff. My goal for today, at least, is to get that stuff done or nearly done so it's not hanging over my head all weekend. The goal for this weekend is to clean and be done with it, though that's an overwhelming task on its own. However, I haven't even unpacked from when we got home Saturday night.

The kid is up. So have a good weekend all.

A post in which I have nothing positive to say

I haven't blogged in a while, and I hate for my first post back to be filled with such negativity, but it will be. I hate to admit that I'm having an exceptionally rough time right now and that I'm filled with anger and spite and hatred, really, about just about everything.

I'm in a place right now where, for the first time since I've been here, I hate my job. I have become somewhat miserable, and I think it's affecting my work, which then you know everything is cyclical, and I go up for tenure in October (so I have 10 months to get everything done and I'm feeling the pressure, and I don't do well under pressure). And I haven't really bitched about my students here since I've been here, but I'm going to now.

Our latest batch of grad students suck. I mean horribly. One thing that bothered me was that not only did they complain about reading a novel a week (which I pretty much do in all of my upper division/grad classes), but the chair and the grad chair agreed! One novel a week for grad students taking one class is TOO MUCH! WTF?? I did less work for the on-line class than I did for the in person class, and they complained about the workload! A novel a week, a seminar paper that was only 15 pages, and four two page writing assignments that were UNRESEARCHED! One was creative, and a gimme! And a three page assignment that required a minimal amount of research. And everyone agreed across the board that the workload was pretty much unreasonable (though the professor whose course on which I modeled my on-line course did NOT get the same complaints). Curious. Hmmmm. This has left a sour taste in my mouth which a) I need to get over and b) move on from, but I'm just so I don't know. Not even angry really. I just feel totally betrayed by the students and my colleagues to be honest. Whatever.

Here's kind of the bitch of this--one of the students is someone who works out where I work out. Since this class has ended, I've noticed that people have been giving me the cold shoulder. I mean, how fucked up is that? This is what a small town is like. I mean seriously, fuck everyone.

I've been sick. I've been stressed out. And my colleagues now have taken my stress and not feeling well personally. This has me very stressed out since I go up for tenure next year. I feel like there's blood in the water, so to speak. My boss has suggested that I do damage control now, which is exhausting. So my office hours are now not designated for any sort of work for me. No, I have to use my office hours to go be social and do rounds (her words). I've also been told that my co-advisor for the honor society is taking all the credit for the work WE do. Look, I'm not good at politicking, and I'm not tolerant of bullshit either. I don't know how to promote myself without looking defensive or conniving. So I just feel sort of stuck. And a large, very large part of me wants to leave this place, and I feel like that attitude just oozes out despite my best efforts to hide how miserable I am right now.

On top of all of this, I have spent hours, days, weeks, and months cleaning and organizing and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. The house is an utter fucking pigsty. We were gone the whole of break, so jack shit got done. On top of that we all got sick--the other two are over their illnesses. Mine is still lingering. We've been to the doctor. I'm on a second round of antibiotics. I've gotten maybe four full nights of sleep in the last 2.5 weeks, which I know is contributing to this as well, and is probably keeping me from shaking what I have because this thing is keeping me awake.

I've been battling some serious depression here for the last six weeks or so, so that's not helping.

On top of all of this, there was an editorial board change for one of the projects I was working on, and they've pretty much have decided that they're not going to honor the contract that was in place before the change, but they'll think about it (it does not sound promising at all), so that puts even more pressure on me because that would have been out by the time I put my tenure portfolio together, so yeah.

I am, at this point, way behind on everything. I'm so far behind already this quarter that I'm not even sure that I'll be able to catch up. Seriously. And my schedule is now killing me. It was a great schedule when my parents were here and in charge of picking up and dropping off the kid at daycare. But now, no, this schedule no longer works for me, and this has upset my boss. Furthermore, it bothers her that I do not like to take a break between classes. I like to teach back to back. Just because she doesn't shouldn't fucking matter. I'm not some stupid little girl who is teaching her first quarter here. Ugh. Treat me like a fucking adult please. I am doing my best to balance my responsibilities at work with a toddler and trying my best to make sure I do not miss work and am not seen as "that" mother-colleague. So just leave me alone, please, and don't try to assume what's best for me and my family.

My new eyeglass prescription is making me sick, so I have to spend a whole day tomorrow dealing with that which will push me further behind.

Also, I hate, I mean HATE teaching on-line classes. Never again.

I will try to adjust my attitude. I promise. If I don't, it will very likely affect my job, so I've got to sincerely work on that.

That is all. That's quite enough negativity as it is.

I think I've figured out the structure of the article, and I think I've figured out how to work through some sticky spots.

Also, I've gotten sleep.

And I've worked out the last three days.

Actually working out, sleeping, and working on the article is really helping. Having a plan for the article is really helping. Having a couple of days off from work has helped me to be less stressed and less sad, too. So that's a good thing.

Hopefully I can get some stuff done this weekend, too, including sleep.

I'm so thankful that the quarter is coming to a close and what I've learned from all my failures this fall.

Even though I'm still behind on all.the.things, being able to relax a bit more has helped.

I've figured out, after nine weeks, that I can't make this kind of schedule that I gave myself this quarter work for me on any front. At all. I had a two week burst of productivity, and that's it. Since then, I've spend as much time complaining about work and not having time to do everything as I have actually doing things. Everything has made me extremely depressed this quarter, and who can function like that? And the problem is I keep taking breaks, and the breaks end up being longer than the work stretches because I've exhausted myself. Steady productivity is a better pace for me than mad bursts and then periods of checking out. So, here's what's changed:

1. I hit rock bottom, finally. I declared that I was going to work on a weight gain goal and try to hit 200 pounds, buy elastic pants, and give up. I was serious. And Monday I was all stressed about cleaning and everything and about my parents coming in, and I just finally admitted defeat and gave up on everything. Surprisingly, that helped.
2. I cancelled my office hours yesterday and cancelled classes today. It sounds shady to say that I did it in part so I could work out, but I'll explain. Today is usually the one day where I actually just lecture on the stories rather than hold class discussion. And it's a lecture that I've pulled from a couple of different places, and which I usually post the note on the discussion board anyway. So, I gave them the option of having them come to class with me reading the lecture to them or cancelling class but they had to read EVERYTHING I posted on their own with the understanding that they were still responsible for the material for the exam whether I went over it or not, and if they weren't comfortable with that, that I would come in and deliver the lecture. They opted not to have class. I'm actually okay with this because the ones who were there Tuesday have had near perfect attendance and I could see the look of despair and anxiety and tiredness in their eyes. If they are anyway near as stressed as I am, then the ones who always show deserve I think to take take responsibility and have the day off. They may regret it during class time, but I did make it clear that I would have class and give them the lecture. That means that I've worked out two days in a row, had some time to myself, and gotten the laundry done. I also have tonight's dinner already made. So just taking that breather to get some stuff done has now put me in a position to get through the quarter without just keeping afloat.
3. My parents are back in town. I was stressed out after a while with them here, and it's been a great time just the three of us, but the division of labor is now easier with mom and dad around. Help in the kitchen, help with grocery shopping and meal prep, all of that means less stuff for me to do and more time to get other things done like work. And my mom declared that they are coming back to help until I get my articles written for tenure so that I can spend more time working and less time doing household stuff, which wow, I mean, that's nice. Plus, they just want an excuse to be with the kid. As as I clean and declutter, there's slowly more room in the house which makes a big difference with four adults and one child. 
4. My schedule this quarter has helped highlight what doesn't work for me, so I know how to adjust next quarter and spring quarter. 

What I've learned:

1. The school year is not the same as summer. Sure, that sounds like a no-brainer here, but I thought if I got used to a certain schedule over the summer and replicated it during the quarter it would work, but that's not the case. I guess I always forget by the end of summer just how exhausting the actual teaching part of my job is. In the summer, it does work better for me to work out first and then get to my own stuff after I drop off the kid. During the year, it does not. It seems to work better for me if I get up and get 45min to an hour of work in early morning and then work out after kid dropoff. I seem to be more consistent that way. That is the plan for next quarter: 45 min to an hour in the am, and then the goal is to get another 45 min to an hour of reading done in the evenings before bed. I think that will lead me to a more productive quarter in terms of my own work and my health/wellness.
2. The one different thing I am trying is having a full day at the office on Wednesdays. If I do the bulk of my office hours on Wednesdays, then this means that Wednesday gets to be my mid week off day in terms of getting up early to do work and working out. That leaves me MTRF (with MF off from the office). I'm hopeful that I can use that time for class prep/grading and article work since I'll have a nice full day there. We'll see how that goes. Again, I'm hopeful here.
3. I am a nicer person all around when I can get things done. When I've worked out and gotten my writing done, I'm a nicer and more even wife and mother, two things I actually like being. I think we've all suffered this quarter because of me, and I don't like that at all. I want to fix that. Fortunately I've fixed the remaining week of the quarter to benefit us all in that way, and things will be okay, I think. I already feel better having worked out yesterday and this morning and knowing that I'll be able to work out tomorrow morning as well. My desk at home is cleared off; the bedroom is straightened (for now); I've got a little space in there to function, so that should help for the next week or so.

Today I'm going to spend no more than an hour grading and then I'm going to work on my article and see what I can't try to unravel of that hot mess.

ETA: Grading done. Also wrote for 20 minutes on the article. I'm overwhelmed by it, but I think I now have a sense of how it needs to be organized and how to deal getting my notes and draft to make sense. I'm a bit stressed and anxious about it, but I at least feel like I know where it should go. 

I've been able to catch up on sleep, and I've got a handle now on the rest of the quarter, both in terms of the grad class and the survey classes. That feels good. Last night I goofed off a bit after the kid went to bed and let the husband do the kitchen (that's now his job anyway). It took me longer to fall asleep than I'd liked for it to have, and I didn't get as much as I wanted to, but at least I was somewhat relaxed. That's a plus.

The focus still, for the remainder of the quarter is to just survive and do good enough. I've already got the final exams made, so that's a plus. I only need to spend about 5 minutes at the grocery getting a couple of things today, so that's good. I've got to go for a run and spend some time writing. I can write in between cooking batches of bacon, actually, when I get home.

What I need to do is finally finish that article. I can spend my office hours then for the rest of the quarter doing the syllabi for next quarter, setting up on the on-line class for next quarter, and writing. And then grading as things come in.

Sleep is the big thing. My attitude has shifted so much in the last couple of days because I've gotten more sleep. I still feel like I'm on the verge of just crying all the time though, but that's other stuff I guess. I'm sure once I eventually get caught up on sleep that will help.

In terms of sleep, this is what I've decided to try because I have actually really screwed myself over with this article that was due two weeks ago. I'm two articles behind already at this point. But I was getting less sleep than I should, waking up to try to squeeze work or cleaning in before class, then working or cleaning at night after dinner, trying to work out, getting up at 4:30 for that, and I think what I did was just exhaust myself. Now, I still should be reading at night rather than watching tv, but I've decided, at least for the rest of the quarter to focus on at least 8.5 hours of sleep. If that means not getting up early to work out or work, then so be it because I feel like I'll get more done during the day if I'm rested than if I'm trying to squeeze more work in. And I'm going to commit to 20 minutes of writing a day until the article is done. Seven days a week. It can be revision work or new words, but at least 20 minutes a day for the writing.

Rather than feeling hopeless about all that needs to be done, I realize that if I'm getting sleep, there is enough time to do stuff, and if I'm rested, I can get it done faster. I can focus better on the grading and stuff, too. I'm still worried about how bad this article sucks though.

And I've gotten sucked into this horrible body image thing the last couple of days. It feels like all of my clothes, even my new ones and stuff that I love and have made me feel good about myself in the past--it feels like everything is ill fitting and frumpy. All of my make up feels wrong and dated. I don't know. It's somewhat disheartening.

Anyway, the skies are a little brighter today. And I'm going to go run some errands.

So I am frantically trying to get caught up on my grad class. In many ways the on-line thing has been great in terms of not having to be in a room for an extra three hours a week and when I'm behind or not as fully prepared as I should be, it gets masked by the nature of the class which is much more student led and student responsible than if I were in class. The downside is that we are all behind because nothing is forcing us to get to a certain point each week. And that lack of structure has me stressed out a little bit, too.

The work those who are left in the class are doing though is for the most part outstanding. I got a good group who can self-direct, so that alleviates any guilt on my part for lack of guidance. It is forcing those who really want to get something out of the class to get it. If that makes me a poor professor this quarter, then so be it. I'm okay with that.

What is more pressing though is that I just feel like I've failed this quarter. Just about every goal I've set for myself has not been met. Not even close. 

However, what is most distressing is that my stress level and anxiety is affecting the kid. She's displaying some signs of anxiety that seem a bit more than what a two year old should (at least her separation anxiety at school has abated), and that bothers me. I know she's feeding off my anxiety, and I don't like that. So I've started meditating again. I hope that helps me even out a little bit more. And I am going to make a commitment to 8 hours of sleep a night. I got almost 9 last night, and it's already made a difference. And if that means I need to adjust my workout schedule, then so be it. I need the sleep. That will help with the weight loss, the stress, the anxiety, the depression, and really just my ability to function and get things done. As far as meditation goes, I like the Headspace app a lot, and they have a new "depression" pack, also ones for anxiety and stress, but I'm going to give the depression pack a go first. 10 minutes a day for 30 days. I can easily commit to 10 minutes of meditation. I am also, in conjunction with this, going to work on my caffeine consumption, too. 

I'm hoping these lifestyle tweaks will help me even out a bit more and get me closer to my writing and teaching goals. 

Now to knock out some grading!