I feel like I owe you all an apology for the horrendous amount of negativity I spewed out on Tuesday.
I've been able to get some rest this week and have been able to start getting caught up with my classes, so I'm feeling better. And actually allowing myself to be sad on Wednesday and even cry a little bit helped a lot with getting some of that stress out. And venting on here on Tuesday helped, too. Also, I figured out what was keeping the dog up at night and keeping us from sleeping, so I've gotten a couple of night's sleep now, too. First time in a month actually that I've gotten two nights of sleep and one of those nights was totally uninterrupted! That makes a difference.
I have been thinking a lot since my outburst on here on Tuesday. I know the funk I've been in since the academic year started has a lot to do with stress and exhaustion. I have been completely unorganized since August. I have been gaining weight since last April. I just feel that for the last two years things have not gone right, and the more I dwell on what should have been vs. where I actually am, the angrier and more stressed out I become, and it's an endless cycle of things that shouldn't be.
I am filled with a lot of anger, and it's really starting to take its toll. I don't like what is happening to me mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I've been inspired by Heu Mihi's recent posts. And whether she knows it or not, she's long been an inspiration and model for me, since like 2006? 2007? when I first started blogging.
What I need is a serious John Cena sized Attitude Adjustment, and I need to get over my sourness and bitterness. Because maybe it's not that this isn't how it was supposed to go, but maybe this is exactly where I'm supposed to be at this moment. I can't for the life of me figure out why though--how I've ended up in what I deem a shitty situation here--exhausted, depressed, struggling with mom weight and a lack of activity and sleep, and totally stressed out and behind on my publications and totally freaking out about tenure. I don't like the "everything happens for a reason" bullshit, and I'm not saying that here at all. What I'm trying to do is figure out a way to deal with my grumpiness and stress and be productive and not continue to hate all the things. Because friends, I've noticed that the one word I keep repeating over and over and over again in my life right now is the word hate. That is not healthy.
This is where I am. How do I move forward from here? I would say "Just survive winter quarter," but I don't want to just "survive." That's what I did last quarter, and I feel worse off than I did at the beginning of that quarter.
I've not done anything that's made me happy in almost 8 weeks now friends. I haven't done any work on any scholarship. I haven't worked out (like maybe 8 times, and six of those times was during Thanksgiving break when we were off, so since my birthday, once). This week was the first week in seriously like 8 weeks (so since before Thanksgiving) that I've actually cooked all week and haven't ordered take out or eaten out once. I totally disappeared on Top Left Quadrant.
The goals I set last year at this time? I met not a single one.
Again.
That is the story of my life, and at 40, that's starting to weigh me down.
I didn't want to be here at 40, but I am. I have to work from there. It has me extremely depressed, to tell you the truth.
Today, I am going to knock out some more work to get caught up in my classes. The on-line class is waiting for stuff from me. The upper division class is waiting for stuff. My goal for today, at least, is to get that stuff done or nearly done so it's not hanging over my head all weekend. The goal for this weekend is to clean and be done with it, though that's an overwhelming task on its own. However, I haven't even unpacked from when we got home Saturday night.
The kid is up. So have a good weekend all.
And come play with us as TLQ again! You possibly noticed that you weren't the only one - at least, I hope you did! Matilda and I particularly struggle with managing to report in every week, and kjhaxton disappeared towards the end of the semester - for me, one of the best things about the group is that it helps me see it's not just ME, it's not that I am failing and everything is awful and I hate it all because I am uniquely crap, but that other people struggle with getting balance in their lives, set goals and fail and get up and try again and again. That it's a life work, not something you do right or wrong for once and always.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post (except for the kid bit. I don't even have an adorable, important person who I need to parent to complexify my life). You aren't alone. i don;t know if that helps, but... have a great weekend!
Wow--thank you! I had no idea that my intermittent-at-best blogging was at all helpful to anyone but me.
ReplyDeleteSomething my old yoga teacher used to say comes to mind here: "Start again." He would usually repeat this when we were in a difficult balance pose or something--if you fall out, start again. It wasn't a judgment, or about doing it better; the point was that what happened before doesn't matter, and you just try again from where you are, rather than deciding that it's too hard or you suck or whatever. It's no big deal, he was telling us. Just start again. Ultimately, we're always starting again, right? Even when things have been going well?
I find this useful to remember when I'm frustrated, especially when it comes to writing (or not-writing, more accurately). Just start again. As JaneB says, everyone goes through periods of struggling with priorities and getting the work done. It doesn't mean that you'll *never* get it done.
I'm sorry that you're feeling behind with the quarter, too. Maybe the goal with respect to *teaching* can be "survive," especially if that helps you to carve out some time for the things that make you happy?
As for the house--could you look into hiring someone to do some of the cleaning? If it's affordable, it could be a real gift to yourself to take that off of your and your husband's plates.
Thank you both for the words of encouragement and advice. Heu--I wish a house cleaning service were an option. It may be in the future, but part of the issue is just the stuff that needs to be gone through. I'm so cluttered and unorganized and that's part of the problem.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{{Maude}}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteAs a friend of ours likes to say (I believe it's from Shakespeare in Love, though I will botch it):
"It will get better."
"How? How will it get better?"
"I don't know. It's a mystery."
Love you.