I hate to admit that I find myself increasingly disgruntled with my job, and I don't like feeling that way at all. First, so you can see what I'm dealing with, here are some snippets of convos with my boss on how to be more productive:

Work Scenario 1:
Boss: So are you able to get work done after Magpie goes to bed?
Me: Yes, sometimes I am able to depending on how easily she goes to bed and if it's right away.
Boss: Well,  you know you shouldn't work at night because it interrupts melatonin  production, so that's not a good idea to work after she goes to sleep. You should find another time to try to get work done.

Work Scenario 2:
Boss: Have you tried working in the morning?
Me: Yes, I like to get up and work before Magpie gets up.
Boss: Well, you know you shouldn't wake up early for that because you don't need to be short changing your sleep to get work done because sleep is important and if you don't have sleep then you can't think clearly and that might affect your work. You should try to find another time to get work done.

Work Scenario 3:
Boss: You really should try to get work done in your office.
Me: Okay.
Boss: But when you're here working, you need to make sure that you spend part of your time going around the building and talking to people.
Me: Okay.
Boss: So you should probably come up here when you don't have class or office hours and do some work. But keep your door closed so that people know you are working, but make sure that when you're here, you're at least spending part of your time here letting people know you're here and working and make sure you socialize while you're up here. So maybe you should try to get some work done after Magpie goes to sleep.

I can't keep having these conversations with my boss. It stresses me out. Sometimes I can just let it roll, but when it comes on top of other conflicting shit like (No, no, the work you have will count towards tenure to the next day, we should talk about your work; I'm not sure it will count...)Seriously. But even if I say, "It's okay, I do okay working at night," boss replies with: "NO, studies show that you should not work at night." Me: "I understand, but I'm okay. I usually read rather than computer work. REally, I do what I can when I can." Boss: "But that's not the best idea." Me: "Thank you for your concern."

Then...

From the grapevine: "You know Maude, Boss says that every time ze asks you about your work you get defensive."

Recently I've also been told that if I want to make tenure, that I need to also just keep my mouth shut because I don't want to upset anyone who might be on my committee. However, keeping my mouth shut in meetings looks like I don't care about anything, even though I've been told that I should.

I just don't feel like I can win at this point.

I have a couple of on-line students who I feel like are going to just tank my evals because I simply don't understand that the essays I'm asking them to write are different than their other classes and I need to understand what their discipline requires. No. Plus, the network keeps shutting down, so it's hard to have an on-line class when the medium for the class isn't working.

I just am done. I feel like, and I know this sounds paranoid, but I feel like I'm being set up. Like the extra meetings are to create paper trails to be used against me. Like I've never once had any complaints about the work loads in my classes, and I've changed very little in terms of work load in the five years that I've been here, but now the work load and how I teach has become a concern although "don't worry about it. Look, she how good your evals are??!! But you might want to change the way you do things." So what do I do with that? It really is hard for me to not seethe with anger sometimes. It just feels like all of a sudden everything I've been doing is wrong and I'm only just now being told this (nothing has ever come up in my yearly evaluations).

I know the best thing to do is be the best at this job that I can be. Better than the best and get my work done. But I feel demoralized. I'm depressed. I feel like people are distancing themselves "just in case" I don't get tenured next year. Perhaps much of it is in my head. My boss however is creating an environment for me that is conducive to that paranoia. And it all just feels icky and hokey and it's hard for me to function that way.

Also, I was told that I should not let anyone know if I may be stressed or depressed or if I'm having a bad day I need to smile for everyone and pretend like things are super great all the time because it's best if people see me smiling all the time.

In short, I hear: Always smile. Keep your mouth shut. Do what we tell you. Be better. Under no circumstances have a bad day.

Ugh. Or am I being paranoid?

I fully intend on knocking out stuff by May. Actually by March. I know I'll feel better if I just get stuff done.

And I know things will get better now that our schedule will get a bit back to normal. Flood duty is over. The parents will be back in town for a bit. At least for about six weeks we should be able to catch up on sleep and eat some healthy food and recover from the illnesses and get back to a work out program and everything else. Fingers crossed.

ETA: Oh, wait, here's another good one--
Boss: So what are you working on?
Me: This thing with MAJOR BRITISH UNIVERSITY PRESS, LIKE THE BIG ONE.
Boss: Are you sure it's going to be peer reviewed?
(Me--in my head--No. They are going to let random people from a Pre-K math program look over this work because the press has decided that the direction they are going to go in has nothing to do with reputation or scholarship. Absolutely no one in the field will review this, and the editors are janitors, but they're pretty sure one of those janitors is Will Hunting, so it's cool. It's legit).

ARGHHHH! I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the damn football.