There are a few things that I need to be doing right now. But yet I sit here and stress about things over which I have no control.

Like a sick kid. And an anxious dog. And the lack of sleep that comes with these two things.

I need to get the dog to the vet (even though he just spent two weeks there over break) to make sure there's not something wrong. We thought the dental visit would fix the nighttime anxiety. No. We thought fixing the running toilet would fix the nighttime anxiety. It did. One night. We thought leaving the door open for access to his water would fix it. Nope. And it could be as something as simple as he is feeding off our stress, mine in particular, and that makes him anxious. But to the vet he will go after payday.

One of the problems with my depression and anxiety is that when I'm feeling bad, I tend to shop and spend money trying to make myself feel better. I have not had control over our money since before my birthday, and that is causing even more stress and anxiety, so I've got to get my shit together there.

One of the things I'm really struggling with, and have been since we had the kid especially, is what I want my life to look like, and how to make that work with the life I have. And I really struggle with getting caught in the fantasy of the ideal not fitting reality, and that contributes to my anxiety and depression because I feel like every time I get started on something, I get totally derailed. But that is the nature of life, no? I guess my problem is not that I don't know how to do things, it's just that I'm not good at rolling with the punches. In the face of adversity lately I'm more like, "oh, this isn't perfect and ideal. It's not fair. I quit." And that attitude will not get me tenure. But there's got to be room for health and fitness, cooking, writing, reading, teaching, and family (not in order of importance). Because really, let's face it. There's not going to be a time in the near future when the kid isn't sick. She is going to get sick. She continues to get sick. I'm attempting today to bring her to my office hours before her doctor's appointment. We'll see how that goes, but at least I can show my face on campus, and she can run up and down the hallway or something. I don't know.

At some point, I'm just going to have to do the work, ideal or not.

I think I also waste a lot of time. I'm going to have to log my time I think for a few days to get a better idea of exactly what I'm doing with my time (like, how much time am I really spending on social media. I feel like it's a lot of unproductive time).

Oh, and I just got an email saying that the book chapter that I was supposed to write for the collection that was going to perhaps get cancelled is now moving forward, so that's great!

Anyway, I feel like I have a lot to say, but like I'm not saying much at all, so I'll end here. I've got some more thinking and stuff to do and some working stuff out, but I guess I should get on with my day.