Cautiously Optimistic

Finally, we're at the end of the quarter. While I'm not looking forward to all the traveling we'll be doing with an infant ( not jazzed about the actual en route stuff), I'll be glad to get the fuck out of town and see family and just be away from work and stuff for a while. I'm supposed to be grading right now, but I haven't blogged since my last little pity party on here. I'm glad to say that things are perhaps looking up a little bit. Although I'm a bit mad that I thought I'd be dried up by now since I haven't been nursing or pumping her, but I'm not, so it's just like lingering torture here for me. However...

• Spider bite is healing. No more pain--it's sore, but the hole is closing, and the J said it's healed enough and the waterproof bandage is good enough that I can actually start working out again today. So I will. Despite the massive sinus headache I have, I do plan on doing some CF later today if my headache goes away. I may actually perhaps put it off until tomorrow.
• Magpie had three nights in a row with a seven, yes SEVEN hour stretch of sleep, then another 2-3 after eating. And the last two night we've had an ALMOST NINE HOUR stretch of sleep! Yes! The pattern has been about 6 or 6:30 we start putting her down for bed. If she eats a full 8 oz in one stretch she'll stay asleep. But generally she'll eat 4-5 oz, sleep for about 45min to 90 minutes, then get up, finish off another 3-4 oz and then sleep. That means I've gotten to watch tv and hang out with the fam in the evenings for the last five days. So now she's getting about 12-13 some odd hours of sleep a night, which is great! I've consistently gotten about four nights or so of at least 7 hours stretches, and I'm feeling much better. Which means...
• I'm caught up on grading! Yes, I should be grading right now, but I'll start here in a few minutes, but I've been able to grade all the things the days that they've come in, and it was totally worth putting in an hour or two on both Saturday and Sunday in order to not be so overloaded with grading during finals week. Things have been manageable! Saturday was the first Saturday all quarter that I haven't felt stressed out and frantic and just burdened with what needed to be done for the week. I got to enjoy the baby. I got to hang out with the fam. It was nice to just not be so stressed, which is actually why I think I have this massive headache now. After being super stressed since like March, my body has finally been able to relax a little bit and just be. I never thought this day would come, or not at least for another 3 years or so. 

For the first time since I've been here, we get like an obnoxious three week break for Thanksgiving. I should have all grades done and recorded by tomorrow night. I plan on spending Thursday working on the syllabi for next quarter to get those bad boys done with. And then I want to spend Thanksgiving break reading for both enjoyment and to try to get some stuff knocked out for my article, which at this point, because of the stress of the last two quarters, working on the article and reading stuff I want to read and work on things I want to, that will seem so relaxing! 

I'm also very excited about being able to help with the cooking for a bit now, too. I miss cooking. I really really do. It relaxes me. So I'm looking forward to getting back to that. To some kind of new normal that incorporates a bit more of my pre-baby life. I pretty much actually view November as a wash already because of the spider bite and what not, but I have some high hopes for December. 

On the lack of fairness in life.

Well, I cannot wait until this quarter is over.

I am actually quite depressed right now as this entire year has really been about stops and starts and unfilled goals/dreams, and this last one has just really taken its toll.

A recap: I thought I had maternity leave for the fall. That didn't happen. I thought I had a great schedule for the spring and had writing that was doable and that I was working toward getting done. Saddled with an overload, so that didn't happen. The conference paper I was excited about and working on didn't happen as my flight got canceled and I got to the conference after my panel. My pregnancy ended in a c-section, which I'm still struggling with getting over. My attempts at breastfeeding have all been fraught with struggle, with stops and starts, extended periods of pumping. Allergy tests, restrictive diets, all of which has resulted in breastfeeding ending. I spent two months doing the Whole Life Challenge and the week before it ended, I got bit by a brown recluse and because of the gaping hole in my leg, I wasn't able to do the final work out and complete the challenge. So, like everything else this year, just about everything that I've been working toward and tried to accomplish has resulted in a total lack of closure. Not to mention the painful gaping hole in my leg which means I will not likely be able to workout again until the hole is closed up. Because of the pain medicine and antibiotics I'm on, I was looking at not only another ten days of pumping and dumping, but at least a week after that for the medicine to clear my system (this antibiotic causes diarrhea and other problems in babies, so I can't nurse while taking it, and if I want this damn thing to heal, I needed to take something stronger than what I was on that wouldn't have hurt her system--we were both on the same antibiotic at the same time for a brief period), so another almost 3 weeks of pumping was in my future, and I just couldn't do that again.

Not to mention how I feel about spending ten months trying to make a healthy baby and producing a child who has just had a consistently rough go at life with tests and stomach trouble and eczema and food sensitivities and medicine twice a day. Poor kid. I feel like I've failed her at every possible corner. She is improving, so finally we're headed in the right direction.

But this spider bite and not being able to finish the challenge really just sort of underscores the rest of the year and has me very down. Just about every night now I cry myself to sleep saying over and over, "It's not fair." It's not. I'm ready for break and the fresh start of a new quarter and Christmas and the new year.

Also, the muffins I brought to campus for breakfast were moldy. I didn't even get breakfast.