Wednesday, January 29, 2014

A good day! Yay!

Today is a rare moment when my office is quiet. I get to enjoy my lunch here. I am 100% caught up on grading. The Magpie's dr. appt (which was a "hey we need to come see you; her ears are bad we think; can we come in today" appt) went so well! The doc for sure though the ear drum was going to be ruptured--she won't let you touch the ear; however, her ears were fine! Yay! We determined it was residual pain/pressure from some congestion (easily alleviated by saline and a nebulizer and managed by ibuprofen) and from teething, all of which is highly favorable and much more easily dealt with and fixed/managed than an ear infection or ruptured drum. My upper division class is watching a movie tomorrow. The second half of the quarter in the survey class goes so much smoother than the first half, so right now, for the first time this quarter, I don't feel overwhelmed or like shit.

I even got to work out yesterday and Monday.

The Whole30, though only day 3, is going well.

I'll spend part of my office hours actually getting ahead! Word!

Oh, also, my abstract was accepted for ALA. I was sweating it. Truly. I was worried about my motivation to get working on what should be an article (pared down for a conference), so this will mean that I get something substantial written before summer. Whew.

And I'm very much looking forward to vegging out tonight with the folks and relaxing.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I'm feeling a little bit better  the last couple of days. I wish I could get motivated to get my shit together and get stuff done. I think a large part of my feeling better has to do with the decision to do a Whole30 starting on Monday. I think since I've made that decision to try yet again to do something good for myself (mainly because I just can't seem to shake these colds; my sleep is awful right now; and I know it's all related. Stress through the roof...), I just feel better. Since I love to cook, and it relaxes me most of the time, I feel like this will help me get back to that, that I'll have something (in addition to getting my lazy ass out of bed for CF) that makes me happy, and I can share in the meal making with my Mom. Anyway, I'll be chronicling that over at the Paleo blog, so I won't bore you with it over here.

I've got a lot to do this weekend. I'm feeling sort of optimistic about getting it all done. Really, I'm just hoping to get through this quarter and do a decent job and try to finish strong in the Spring. That might be all I can do at this point. And I'm really looking forward to what I'm teaching next quarter. We'll see.

Now to head to class and do my best here. I'm so unprepped for this class. Last week I let them out early both days, and it's looking like today might be an earlyish day, too. I don't care.

Friday, January 17, 2014

I've spent a whole lot of time in my head this last week since I've been really sick. Now that I'm feeling better I find that I'm really depressed again. Perhaps it's still from lack of sleep (although admittedly, we all have been getting more this week! Yay!) and from being sick and just feeling down, but I'm sort of stuck in this place where I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. Ideally, in a perfect world, I'd have a healthy baby, we'd be out of debt and with only one house, I'd quit my job and be a SAHM, and I'd write.

I think the thing that bothers me is that I spend more time focusing on the ideal rather than my reality and the conflict between the two depresses me because I don't know how to make the ideal into the real.

Even though we're still about four and a half years away from the Magpie going to school, I am nearly paralyzed with fear about her going to school because there are too many assholes with guns out there. I panic over the possibility of a stray bullet ripping through her head during breakfast like that poor little girl in Omaha.

These are the things on my mind today.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year's Post

I am fond of New Year's "goals" posts. And while I should be working and will probably regret later not getting any work done during my office hours, I haven't taken a moment to write for myself in a long time.

First of all, I got nothing done over break. The Magpie was sick. Like at one point sick enough to warrant a trip to the ER and then a overnight and full day hospital stay. It was a lot of fun Christmas morning with her, but she spent much of the break sick. So all of my plans to work were shot because a lot of the time she just wanted me, which is painfully sweet, but exhausting. I try to cherish those moments, and I love on her as much as I can. It makes me wish I had a job I could just walk away from and be a stay at home mom. Or that my life was such to allow for that. I'm still working on figuring stuff out. Since she has steroids in her system now from the croup, we've gone once again from nice 10 hour nights (at least) to waking up every few hours again. I not only feel like I've been hit by a truck, but like that truck has dragged me 25 miles. And because she was sick and everything felt thwarted, I'm bummed because I feel like the break should have been better, and I was so looking forward to it, and I hate that it was a disappointing break, but that seems to be how the last year has just been. Starts and stops and disappointment.

So given that it seems I just have a sick baby, I need to live my life under this assumption until she's like a toddler I guess. And that brings me to my goals for this year:

  1. First and foremost, I need to let go. I need to not dwell on the fact that last year didn't go as planned and that this year has started pretty crappily, too. I need to learn to just deal with things and be a bit more flexible and not get so depressed when things don't go as planned. Last year is done. Yeah, the first 7 days of this year have really sucked so far, but I need to accept it and move on.
  2. I need to just assume that the Magpie is going to be sick and get my work done when she's not sick and try to prep as much as possible in advance so that when she does get sick, I'm not totally stressed. Or I'll hopefully at least be able to handle the stress better.
  3. I need to realize that it's okay to put some things on hold for now, with the exception of the article I need to write for tenure. That can't wait, and I should probably devote whatever little time I have to trying to knock that out so things aren't horrifically stressful next year. That means that my Crossfit goals need to take a backseat to everything else right now, and I need to be okay with that.
  4. I need to take better care of myself and make more time for myself. That means going to CF regularly, but recognizing that I can't perhaps work out with the frequency and intensity I want to. But right now I've been stress eating and not working out so that I can prep for class, so that all of my waking hours become about teaching, and I need to be okay with letting some of that slide in favor of doing what's best for me so that I'm not totally resentful of everything. Part of that involves taking the time to prep the food for cooking so that dinner isn't stressful.
Other things I want to accomplish:
  • I need to write more. That's all I want to do. I have some specific writing goals for the year.
  • Sell house in Home City by the end of the year and buy a  home here by next January. 
  • Get the rest of the debt paid off.
  • Get a minivan. Yes, I just said that. I want a minivan. And a closet full of clothes from Eddie Bauer and L.L. Bean. You heard me.
  • Donate more stuff and make more room for the sake of having room, not for the sake of having more stuff. 
  • Work on the savings account.
  • Secure daycare for the Magpie.
That's it. Really this year, in a nutshell, needs to be about acceptance, balance, self care, and creativity.

Hope you all are doing well!