Friday, May 19, 2017

Y'all, took some valium and had a little bit of wine last night--I know probably not the healthiest thing to do, but damn if that anxiety didn't just float the fuck away. I still feel the effects of the valium this morning, and I have a bit of a head cold, and still, when I think about certain colleagues I want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but as far as how I feel in general, I feel better, overall. I will get to work out tomorrow. I will get to go out of town for a day and a half this weekend (although the amount and level of family there is stressing me out a little bit, okay, a lot, but whatevs), but the J is coming home this afternoon/tonight, so I'll get to see him, and I should be done with grades by about 10:45 today.

I do sorta feel like just disappearing into my bed for a few days with absolutely no responsibility, no thoughts of work or scholarship, no tv, no books, no human contact. Just a few days to myself. But I'll have to take having the afternoon to myself as a substitute.

Anyway, I'm actually going to do something toward the damn sci-fi article now.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I think I need some valium. I have some. I don't like taking it, but I ran out of my meds on Sunday and just got them refilled this morning, and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I cannot go without them. I cannot describe how I am feeling right now.

I am ready for the quarter to be done. I am so ready. I think I checked out about two weeks ago. A lot of us feel like this has been hands down one of our worst spring quarters in a long time. I wish the husband were home. I always feel like I'll get more done when he's gone, but it turns out that's not the case. It's like the good part of me goes on vacation and I just sit at home and watch unsolved mysteries until I fall asleep. I am having a ridiculously hard time coping with the enormous stress of this sci fi chapter that I cannot do.It is such a major mental block and I'm scared as hell. Even more daunted by it than I was my dissertation.

I want it to be done.

Perhaps though all will be better once the meds kick back in and I am a sane person again. I do not like how I feel right now. If I could go to bed, I totally would. As a matter of fact, I may just leave and go home. There's no point in my being here.

I'm going to do that. I will feel so much better.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Is it wrong that I'm having yet another day when I want to tell the world to just fuck off? It's weird, because I'm actually in a very good mood. I have the stress of the world in this sci-fi chapter hanging over my head, which I know the best cure for that is to just freaking do it and all will be well.

I'm just so done with this quarter. I really am. I have until Friday though. One class is done. Another is mostly done today. I'm tired of the bullshit here. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I want to do. I want this summer to be relaxing.

Maybe I'm just still ornery from not getting much sleep Sunday night. My new glasses are a bit tight and I think giving me a headache. I want to go home, have lunch, put my pjs on, and do some work I want to do.

Anyway, that's all I got. I just needed to clear my head out before I started working on some other things. For those of you who are already done, I'm super jelly of you.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Today is one of those days where it's really really fucking hard for me not to tell everyone I see to just fuck off.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

So this may sound really fucking petty, but I'm super pissed about my schedule for the fall, first of all because it was not run by me because it deviates extravagantly from what I've done my last six fucking years here.

THREE fucking preps, including a GRADUATE CLASS that is on-line and super fucking labor intensive AND a FRESHMAN COMP class, also super fucking labor intensive (and one I've not taught in like five years).

AND my theory class that I was hired to teach because no one wanted that class that I only taught once because it was so successful that my super petty colleague decided that she needed to teach it and I was told not to fight it because she would be on my tenure committee and I don't want to make an enemy of her (which I realize now is what like probably illegal--to be denied tenure simply because I wanted to keep my class? a mistake that I won't make twice), who regardless of our "friendship" would stab anyone in the back for her gain anyway. That class has now been given to another colleague!

I am so fucking pissed right now.

This quarter is no where near over AND I am teaching summer session. That feels like a gigantic mistake in and of itself. Maybe the class won't make.

A head's up about my schedule might have been nice. Three goddamn preps, with two labor intensive preps is just fucking mean.

That's all.

I just needed to get that out of my system so that I could put a smile on my face.