Friday, May 19, 2017

Y'all, took some valium and had a little bit of wine last night--I know probably not the healthiest thing to do, but damn if that anxiety didn't just float the fuck away. I still feel the effects of the valium this morning, and I have a bit of a head cold, and still, when I think about certain colleagues I want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but as far as how I feel in general, I feel better, overall. I will get to work out tomorrow. I will get to go out of town for a day and a half this weekend (although the amount and level of family there is stressing me out a little bit, okay, a lot, but whatevs), but the J is coming home this afternoon/tonight, so I'll get to see him, and I should be done with grades by about 10:45 today.

I do sorta feel like just disappearing into my bed for a few days with absolutely no responsibility, no thoughts of work or scholarship, no tv, no books, no human contact. Just a few days to myself. But I'll have to take having the afternoon to myself as a substitute.

Anyway, I'm actually going to do something toward the damn sci-fi article now.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I think I need some valium. I have some. I don't like taking it, but I ran out of my meds on Sunday and just got them refilled this morning, and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I cannot go without them. I cannot describe how I am feeling right now.

I am ready for the quarter to be done. I am so ready. I think I checked out about two weeks ago. A lot of us feel like this has been hands down one of our worst spring quarters in a long time. I wish the husband were home. I always feel like I'll get more done when he's gone, but it turns out that's not the case. It's like the good part of me goes on vacation and I just sit at home and watch unsolved mysteries until I fall asleep. I am having a ridiculously hard time coping with the enormous stress of this sci fi chapter that I cannot do.It is such a major mental block and I'm scared as hell. Even more daunted by it than I was my dissertation.

I want it to be done.

Perhaps though all will be better once the meds kick back in and I am a sane person again. I do not like how I feel right now. If I could go to bed, I totally would. As a matter of fact, I may just leave and go home. There's no point in my being here.

I'm going to do that. I will feel so much better.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Is it wrong that I'm having yet another day when I want to tell the world to just fuck off? It's weird, because I'm actually in a very good mood. I have the stress of the world in this sci-fi chapter hanging over my head, which I know the best cure for that is to just freaking do it and all will be well.

I'm just so done with this quarter. I really am. I have until Friday though. One class is done. Another is mostly done today. I'm tired of the bullshit here. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to doing some things that I want to do. I want this summer to be relaxing.

Maybe I'm just still ornery from not getting much sleep Sunday night. My new glasses are a bit tight and I think giving me a headache. I want to go home, have lunch, put my pjs on, and do some work I want to do.

Anyway, that's all I got. I just needed to clear my head out before I started working on some other things. For those of you who are already done, I'm super jelly of you.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Today is one of those days where it's really really fucking hard for me not to tell everyone I see to just fuck off.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

So this may sound really fucking petty, but I'm super pissed about my schedule for the fall, first of all because it was not run by me because it deviates extravagantly from what I've done my last six fucking years here.

THREE fucking preps, including a GRADUATE CLASS that is on-line and super fucking labor intensive AND a FRESHMAN COMP class, also super fucking labor intensive (and one I've not taught in like five years).

AND my theory class that I was hired to teach because no one wanted that class that I only taught once because it was so successful that my super petty colleague decided that she needed to teach it and I was told not to fight it because she would be on my tenure committee and I don't want to make an enemy of her (which I realize now is what like probably illegal--to be denied tenure simply because I wanted to keep my class? a mistake that I won't make twice), who regardless of our "friendship" would stab anyone in the back for her gain anyway. That class has now been given to another colleague!

I am so fucking pissed right now.

This quarter is no where near over AND I am teaching summer session. That feels like a gigantic mistake in and of itself. Maybe the class won't make.

A head's up about my schedule might have been nice. Three goddamn preps, with two labor intensive preps is just fucking mean.

That's all.

I just needed to get that out of my system so that I could put a smile on my face.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

So the doc changed my meds and upped the dose. This does not seem to be working. I am back to where I started, I feel like--completely unmotivated, depressed, apathetic. I've gained about 7 pounds. Whatever confidence I had had in myself or my work is gone. I don't think that's how it was supposed to work. I did better on the half dose, so we're going to try that.

I think I've hit like rock bottom again, so like twice now in a matter of months. I mean, before, I just didn't care. I'd go through the motions, whatever. My mom was still around to clean and do laundry, so it didn't matter really. And it's not like then I didn't feel good about myself; I just didn't care, so nothing bothered me. But now, it's different. I don't feel good about myself. We were all running late today because I felt ugly and couldn't get my shit together this morning. It's just straight up foolishness. I've not done any work on the chapter. I've not worked out. My diet is the pits. All the things I've worked so hard on in the last few months have just slowly deteriorated, and I'm frustrated and angry about it now, which I guess that's better than not caring I guess. I guess that's more motivating, but only if it doesn't make me feel like shit about myself, which is where I'm at right now. Ugh.

Maybe it's just anxiety? Maybe if I actually start working out again I'll feel better? I feel like there are a lot of maybes right now.

Oh well, I thought I had more to say. In my head there was a lot to work through, but now there isn't so I guess I'll just read until class starts.

Oooh, okay, here's a positive thing. I think, finally, even though it does mean five days a week of teaching, I think I've got a schedule that works. I'm done by 1pm every day. This gives me the afternoon to work at least four days a week (or do laundry or grocery shop, whatever). In theory, it also means that if I don't work out in the morning, I can in the afternoon, although that hasn't happened yet. But I've been getting work done in the afternoon and sleeping in in the morning and not stressing to be caught up in my classes, so that's something, yes?

Thursday, November 17, 2016

I started this post on Saturday. I've been trying to process still a lot since then.

It's a time of transition right now for many of us because of this election. I have found myself, like many other, profoundly saddened not just by the election, but by the response of the country, by the expectation that, unlike the haters of the last eight years, I must "buck up Buttercup" and respect the president, that I am expected to be silent because we don't want to cause any more division in the country, that there is the expectation that I must go quietly into that good night, and I'm wracked with anxiety about what Thanksgiving at my family's this year will be like. Thank god for valium. I will not allow them, their house or not, to spew hate speech in front of my daughter.

It is also a personal time of transition in the Nerd HQ as well. My parents have moved out permanently, which in many ways has been freeing and liberating for me and the J. My sister had her baby (yay!) early apparently, but the kid is so fat and so healthy, we think that she and the doctor were about a month off in terms of the conception and due date. Of course, we can't not have drama about it: "She's having trouble sleeping right now." Um yeah, she's 12 hours old. Of course she's fussy. Newborns fuss.  However, the Magpie was expecting her grandparents to be here at least for a few more days after they left to go home for doctor's appointments (the intent was to return here, stay for a day or two, pack up their stuff and head up to my sister's), but it all happened abruptly, so she's dealing with it in her own toddler way by being fussy, clingy, indecisive ("hold you!" and upon being held "leave me alone! go away!"), and not really sleeping well. Because she isn't sleeping and because I'm not sleeping, we both have colds. And the J is sicker than all of us right now, which is rare.

In the last month, I have been battling TMJ which has been awful not just in terms of the jaw pain, but the valium makes working out tough. But on top of that and the cold, I've also had a painful and enduring urinary tract infection, in part because I was on the wrong antibiotics for the infection I had. They make me sick when I work out. I'm not eating properly. I'm not sleeping properly. And we've gone through so much wine.

While the zoloft and valium are helping, right now, maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm just freaking exhausted AF, but I'm just sad, again. I think I just need some down time.

I think the poor Magpie has been battling her own exhaustion and anxiety as well. She's not sleeping well, and hasn't been for the last two weeks. In part because of this persistent cough (which we are going to the doctor for today), but because things are different around the house for her now, too. she got to see her Gramps this weekend, and he'll be here in a couple of weeks to babysit, but I think she is trying to adjust to her new normal, too. That being said, things are much quieter and much calmer without my parents here. They can't just let her sit and be. There constantly has to be something going on. We get out of the house earlier in the morning and with much less fuss now that they are gone. Granted, the house is messier and it's harder for me to get dinner on the table (but that's in part to my schedule right now, and sickness, and just overall exhaustion and lack of movement) without them here, and it's harder for me to go work out, but we have a calmer child for the most part (when she's rested). And a sort of less whiny child. I mean, we've had some crying episodes every day over things like "go get my x-toy" and I say, "no, you know where it is, you go get it if you want it that badly" which usually results in a meltdown of some kind because she doesn't want to do it, but eventually she will go get her own thing and I don't have to worry about my mom or dad saying, "I'll get it Magpie. Just tell me where it is." No. This is teaching her to take responsibility for her stuff.

As much as I love my parents, and as much as I miss them (and the often convenience of having them to do things like cook and clean and watch the kid--god, I sound awful), and it's been fun and really wonderful reconnecting with my parents after so many years, and I'm thankful for the three years I got to hog them for myself, but the truth is, the J, Magpie and I have never actually been our own little unit. And it's been nice having the J all to myself in the evenings, to be able to do things on our schedule or watch something without waiting for mom and dad to get ready. What's also nice too is knowing that when we do get settled into more of a routine that in three weeks, it's not going to get disrupted again. So hopefully, we'll get some consistency in our lives and things will get better for her as well.

In part of my ongoing search for the best schedule ever that makes my life as balanced as possible, I am playing around with it again, much to my boss's chagrin. What I need is something that allows for flexibility and contingency. Right now, I based everything on working out in the morning, watching a film and reading at night, doing research and grading during office hours. None of that worked out. If I have to work in the morning, then there is no chance, especially if mom is gone, for me to work out. My days are long and exhausting, so I don't ever feel like working out in the evening anyway. And I never take in to account not working out in the morning as a possibility in my schedule. I know, I obsess over my schedule ridiculously. It annoys the J. I know he's tired of it. But I am hopeful that this will not leave me exhausted. It will allow me time to take care of myself and gives me the option of a noon work out if I can't work out in the am. I think it will also allow me more time for food prep and stuff during the week, too. I am cautiously optimistic. We shall see. I just hate being rushed in the mornings and the evenings.

I have other things on my mind, too, but this is way more than enough for now. I want to write more about the election and about my students and how I feel about it. I'll save that for later, which is where this started, but kind of went in a whole different direction.