There is seriously something about my building that fills me with anger. There's a particularly insecure and spiteful passive aggressive faculty member here and every time I walk past her office, I throw a mental "fuck you" at her door. That's awful. I should come in on the other side of the building so I don't have to walk past it to get to my office.
My boss asked me if I wanted to move offices--not to a bigger office or a better office or one with more light. No she asked me to move offices because she doesn't want the new faculty members to be alone, so maybe I might want to just make a lateral move to keep them company. Um, no. No only no, but hell, fuck no. I am all about making new faculty feel welcome and helping them navigate the disaster this place is, but my job is not to keep them company and to uproot my life for them. I don't know where my boss gets off thinking its my place to sacrifice for everyone else because her perception are that my needs are less, not equal.
This is why this place fills me with rage. Perhaps I do just need some time away. Perhaps my pursuit of happiness, contentment, simplicity with help with that rage. Perhaps I do just need some time for this place to not consume my entire life. Perhaps it's time for me to just start saying no. And maybe that needs to be part of my project/pursuit as well, perfecting the art of saying no.
Here's the other thing, I want to be a great faculty member, colleague, scholar, productive member of the department. But I have no desire to be any of those things towards people who treat me like shit. And I want them all to fuck off. And I long for the day when I'll actually be able to say it.