And the hits just keep on coming...

Magpie has hand, foot, and mouth disease, I think I told you. It is the suck. Seriously. She is/was on the upswing from that though. It was running its course, but she has been so freaking miserable just about this entire trip.

Tuesday, her fever returned. And then she stopped drinking. Not totally. I think I mentioned that the other day, too. Only about 1/4 of what she normally drinks. Wednesday morning the ibuprofen hadn't brought the fever back down really, and she woke hot and dry. We ended up in the pediatric ER here. They were great; I'll give them that. She got a beautiful crocheted blanket and a really nice teddy bear. She also do a urinary catheter and a throat swab. The catheter sucked. Since there was no respiratory congestion or distress, her ears were clear, her throat is healing from HFM (but we did the strep swab to be on the safe side, which came back negative), the only other infection the doctor could think with her symptoms was a UTI. That came back negative, too. So, absent of bacterial infections, she has apparently picked up another virus. Fortunately she was only mildly dehydrated (not enough to cause concern at the moment), so we didn't have to stick her with an IV. She's had as much fluids in the last 24 hours as she's had in just about the last 2 days, so that's a grand improvement. She did not eat one bite of food yesterday, but ate a huge breakfast and her regular lunch. And going to sleep has gotten significantly less difficult. All things I consider to be amazing improvements. I wish she were drinking more, but she's been chugging water when she wakes up.

The one thing that really calms her right now, too, is being outside. Did I have room in the car for a stroller? No. Did I just now order one off Amazon and am having it shipped here tomorrow so that for the next 4 days I can make her more comfortable? I did. (And this is why it will take me forever to pay off my bills and whatnot, but that's another story). I figured this one folds up to about the width of my suitcase. I have all my clothes in compression bags. My clothes will just go under the seat or in the cargo in the trunk, and my parents will bring my suitcase back with them if need be. Will it make packing trickier? Indeed. Will it make the Magpie more comfortable for the next week and a half? Yes. And since nothing makes me feel like more of a failure as a mother than having a chronically sick baby that I can't comfort or help, then well, we will just have two strollers. One for traveling and out and about stuff, and one for jogging around the neighborhood and going to parks. Maybe that makes me ridiculous, and maybe it makes it clear that I still, after 14 months, have no idea what I'm doing yet.

In other news, the house in Home City? FINALLY ON THE MARKET! Yippee! And it's getting three showings this weekend! Hot damn! Fingers crossed that we're out from under that soon because oh my god, to have that money back which would be enough to cover our living expenses just for the summer. Oh to be out from under that house. J's ex-step mom, for all of her faults, is apparently one hell of a realtor, and it's not costing us anything to sell it, so yay.

This was supposed to be a nicer visit to the parents. We were supposed to go out and do things with the Magpie, but oh well. I didn't even need to pack 3/4 of the clothes I packed--I've been in my pjs pretty much the entire time I've been here. It's been too exhausting to even contemplate getting dressed for the day. At least I've been able to CF everyday since we've been here except yesterday and Sunday.

Anybody out there know how to boost a baby's immune system? She gets organic, grass fed meats, a decent variety of fruits and veggies, and we had started probiotics once she stopped the antibiotics, but since she's been on a bunch of medicine again, we haven't started them back up. Sigh. And you know, I can't help but to feel this is all my fault because I couldn't force her out and she ended up a c-section baby and then got hit with another whammy when I couldn't nurse her. This all just sort of reaffirms  the feelings of failure I've had since day one. Poor Magpie. I wish I could do better for you.

Cautiously Optimistic

Finally, we're at the end of the quarter. While I'm not looking forward to all the traveling we'll be doing with an infant ( not jazzed about the actual en route stuff), I'll be glad to get the fuck out of town and see family and just be away from work and stuff for a while. I'm supposed to be grading right now, but I haven't blogged since my last little pity party on here. I'm glad to say that things are perhaps looking up a little bit. Although I'm a bit mad that I thought I'd be dried up by now since I haven't been nursing or pumping her, but I'm not, so it's just like lingering torture here for me. However...

• Spider bite is healing. No more pain--it's sore, but the hole is closing, and the J said it's healed enough and the waterproof bandage is good enough that I can actually start working out again today. So I will. Despite the massive sinus headache I have, I do plan on doing some CF later today if my headache goes away. I may actually perhaps put it off until tomorrow.
• Magpie had three nights in a row with a seven, yes SEVEN hour stretch of sleep, then another 2-3 after eating. And the last two night we've had an ALMOST NINE HOUR stretch of sleep! Yes! The pattern has been about 6 or 6:30 we start putting her down for bed. If she eats a full 8 oz in one stretch she'll stay asleep. But generally she'll eat 4-5 oz, sleep for about 45min to 90 minutes, then get up, finish off another 3-4 oz and then sleep. That means I've gotten to watch tv and hang out with the fam in the evenings for the last five days. So now she's getting about 12-13 some odd hours of sleep a night, which is great! I've consistently gotten about four nights or so of at least 7 hours stretches, and I'm feeling much better. Which means...
• I'm caught up on grading! Yes, I should be grading right now, but I'll start here in a few minutes, but I've been able to grade all the things the days that they've come in, and it was totally worth putting in an hour or two on both Saturday and Sunday in order to not be so overloaded with grading during finals week. Things have been manageable! Saturday was the first Saturday all quarter that I haven't felt stressed out and frantic and just burdened with what needed to be done for the week. I got to enjoy the baby. I got to hang out with the fam. It was nice to just not be so stressed, which is actually why I think I have this massive headache now. After being super stressed since like March, my body has finally been able to relax a little bit and just be. I never thought this day would come, or not at least for another 3 years or so. 

For the first time since I've been here, we get like an obnoxious three week break for Thanksgiving. I should have all grades done and recorded by tomorrow night. I plan on spending Thursday working on the syllabi for next quarter to get those bad boys done with. And then I want to spend Thanksgiving break reading for both enjoyment and to try to get some stuff knocked out for my article, which at this point, because of the stress of the last two quarters, working on the article and reading stuff I want to read and work on things I want to, that will seem so relaxing! 

I'm also very excited about being able to help with the cooking for a bit now, too. I miss cooking. I really really do. It relaxes me. So I'm looking forward to getting back to that. To some kind of new normal that incorporates a bit more of my pre-baby life. I pretty much actually view November as a wash already because of the spider bite and what not, but I have some high hopes for December. 

Still moving along.

I believe when I wrote a week ago or so I was not doing so hot.

Meh. We had a couple of good days here, but now poor Magpie has another ear infection which made this weekend horrible and difficult. By the end of the week, we will have had three doctor's appointments. Not to mention my own feelings of resentment when everyone is getting sleep and able to eat yummy things, and I get to partake in neither of those things. Yes, I understand the biological and evolutionary function of my not being able to sleep through Magpie's crying, but for the love of God, when someone else is holding her, how I wish I were able to sleep through them!

All the allergy tests came back negative and negligible. So what does that mean? It means we don't know, still, why she has the problems she does. If I am able to breastfeed her but if it means continuing on a super restrictive diet, then I will throw in the towel and finally give up on trying. I have headaches and stomachaches. I'm highly irritable. And it does affect my sleep. I spend a lot of time annoyed at people and angry. I'm on the verge of hating everyone and everything. And I can have a short temper, too.

One way or another, this has to end with the doctor's appointment on Thursday. And she seems to really be thriving on the formula.

Today I will be in grading jail. I need to be in reading jail, but because of the ear infection, this weekend was a total bust on every single level, that I got nothing done. And I've been sitting on these freshman papers for too long now. They said they don't want them back, so at least they're not complaining about them, so I got that going for me, but I don't want to have them anymore. I want them gone especially since I get peer review drafts from them on Friday and a set of lit analyses tomorrow. Sigh.

I'll get caught up; I'm sure.

I also plan on doing AcWriMo because I feel like I've got to. I've got to get some writing produced before December. And I want to.

Waving, Not Drowning, at least not yet...

I'm so far behind in all of your lives since google reader went away. Anybody have any suggestions for a good blog reader?

I cannot believe it has been almost 2 months since my last post. It's been a rough summer, yo. I mean, I love my Wee Bit to death and wouldn't train her for the world, but she's had a rough go of it her first three months on this earth. Baby girl had been suffering with these horrible gas pains and digestive issues--she has GERD--gastro-esophogal reflux disorder and is on baby Zantac that she has to take 2x a day. She is also allergic to breast milk--She is actually allergic to the milk proteins. I don't consume any dairy at all, so it's the lactose in the breast milk. We've eliminated a lot of foods* from my diet to try to pin point the continuing gas issues for the poor girl, but not much makes a difference. We go to the pediatrician every week or two for weight checks because as much as she eats, she still isn't gaining weight as fast as the pediatrician wants her to. She consistently gains weight; she is just wee.

Baby girl also has eczema. And, she has several swollen lymph nodes, so Friday we had to have blood drawn. Unbeknownst to me, blood is taken from the veins in the head on infants. As awful as this sounds, and as absolutely horrible as it was for me to witness this, the J assured me that a) this is standard (we had the blood drawn in the NICU) and b) the BEST way to get lots of blood in the least traumatic way. Our nurse was amazing, and it was all over in less than 2 minutes. Poor girl passed out from the pain as soon as the needle came out and slept for a little over 3 hours in her carseat, but she's been such a trooper. So the last two months have been particularly rough for the baby.

My parents are here now for at least until February, which has been WONDERFUL. We are so lucky that they can do this for us and that they're not assholes. It's crowded in here, but this poor little girl really does need to have two people to watch her working in tandem until we get all her little issues figured out. So right now, as we continue to try to figure out what's going on with her and how severe the milk allergy is, we are to feed her only hypoallergenic formula (we're on our second type here), and I can't nurse her at all (this is heart breaking). I spend my days now pumping and storing the milk. The pediatrician is hoping that we don't have to permanently eliminate the boob, but depending on the level of the allergy, we're hoping that worst case scenario is boob time is limited so she can still benefit from the breast milk in a way that totally doesn't aggravate her little stomach. We've got a freezer full of breast milk right now. Pumping is totally exhausting, btw.

Because she's had so many issues, sleep has been a struggle, as well as her comfort--the reflux makes it hard for her to sleep flat (we have wedges for the crib and the co-sleeper for nighttime), but during the day, she would only sleep upright on me and we just took turns at night sleeping upright with her. So even with a bookstand for hands free reading, I've not been able to accomplish anything. I've missed 2 potential publication opportunities this summer because I just could not get the reading done for them, even just for the abstract. And it looks like I'll miss the opportunity for one at the end of this month because there is no time to do the extensive reading. It's not like I can stay up or go sequester myself somewhere. I regret not getting this done last year, but oh well. I knew it would be difficult to get stuff done with an infant, but I think it would have been easier without a sick child and just an infant who took naps, you know? I mean, I wasn't even able to eat let alone think about research.

I do have my course release this fall, so I do have to figure out how to negotiate research and a baby here. At least I have child care and can basically leave at any time (I can only pump every four hours--I don't make enough for every two hours, which has been part of her weight gain issue we think, but we've got plenty of formula and breast milk for my absence). I'm hoping that in the next week, I can figure something out and put some sort of plan together both in terms of keeping up with my schoolwork and research.

In other news, three weeks ago, when the parents got here, I was able to start working out again. The official first week of school was a bit rough with the workouts--I got two days in I think--but this last week has been good. All of us, the J, the parents, and myself, we are all participating in the Whole Life Challenge (as is our CF box). We are entering week 2 here, at it's really helped a lot in terms of making sure that we are taking care of ourselves. If I weren't so competitive, and we didn't have this, I would have been eating pizza all week and not working out and probably feeling a whole helluva a lot more miserable. But the parents have really embraced CrossFit; I'm especially proud of my dad. It's great seeing him trying to get healthy and really pushing himself (safely) in CrossFit and enjoying it. I have made some major gains in my strength just this week, which has been great given that I was stressed with school (already), stressed about the baby, and behind in my work, and worried about this new deadline, but seriously, realistically, I cannot read for nor pull a 20 page paper for a fancy journal out of my ass in the next 15 days. Maybe if I could work around the clock, but realistically I can't, so I may just have to let it go and figure something else out. If my parents weren't here though, I certainly wouldn't be able to cook healthy food or work out, so I think things would be a bit more dicey, maternity leave or not.

And that's the other thing. I was talking with my mom, and we decided that for our family (the immediate family on my side) that I didn't get the maternity leave for the fall has turned out to be positive because my dad would not be making these changes in his health right now (it might have happened in February, but he may have gained 30 more pounds by then!), and this is all very positive indeed. So if not having maternity leave means that we get to take care of my dad's health sooner, then I'm okay with that trade off. However, for the next kid though, I'm not attempting to go back to work until that kid is at least 6 months old, so we're planning for the next one to come at the beginning of Spring Quarter so there will be no question about my being able to take mat leave and then having the summer off, too.

I have missed this space. I need this space. I hope I'm able to be here more regularly.

*No soy, dairy, corn, gluten, grains, peanuts, beans. And now, no eggs, no nuts of any kind, no cabbage, no oranges. Ironically, the first month of her life when my diet was awful--Wendy's and donuts, fast food, pizza--she did much better from the gas standpoint for Magpie. I had eliminated caffeine, but now that school has started back up, the doctor said my half caff coffee is ok because I have, usually only one cup, sometimes two.

Magpie is Here!!!!

Actually, the Magpie came 9 days early, and we've been home almost a week already. And for those of you betting people, if you wagered on a girl, you were most certainly correct! Not that I had an inkling one way or another, but since just about everyone thought that Magpie was a boy, we were both shocked that Mags was a girl. Actually, when the J said, "Oh my god, it's a girl!" I replied with "No shit??!!" And she was nowhere near the beast child we thought she was going to be--only 7 lbs. 6 oz. And a little shorter than we all thought, too--19.25 inches.

Of course, nothing went according to plan. I woke up last Thursday morning in labor, but I thought it was gas. Seriously. When the J left for work, I was up and like, "ugh. These are the WORST gas cramps I've ever had!"I got up, had some coffee, put some stuff in the crockpot (a meal that was going to be frozen for later), and then my mom and I went for a walk. We were still planning on getting pedicures--I was nearly insisting during the walk that we'd be able to. By 8:30, my contractions were already 2 minutes apart. My mom said, "uh, that's not gas. You're in labor." Of course, I was like, "oh, well, ok. Just let me eat and shower, and I'm sure I'll be fine. We can still get our toes done; I can drop some paperwork off at school. It's cool." I texted the J to let him know that he might want to try to make it to my doctor's appointment because I was in labor. Actually, my hope had been that I'd go to a doctor's appointment and he'd send me right to the hospital so I wouldn't have to negotiate all that you know in the middle of the night or something. I called the dr.; they told me to come right in. The J met us there, and by 11:00 I was being checked into the hospital, in full on labor, already at about 5 cm. Although I have insisted this entire time that I would NOT have an epidural, I ended up having one. And not for the pain, either. I think I would have been able to handle the pain had it not been for the nausea. That was the one thing I wasn't expecting. I was so so sick. And then I started to get really hot and faint, and I knew I could not go on puking, faint, and feverish. I only barfed once during labor, but I kept asking for the puke bucket. I threw up my entire breakfast right before the epidural.

Since labor was moving so quickly, the doctors and nurses were sure the kid would be out by 3 pm. By 1:00 I was at 7 cm. I stalled a little bit because of the epidural, but by about 3:00 I was at 9cm, and by about 4:00 I was ready to push. And by about 4:30 or so the doc came in, and we started working on getting the Magpie out. And that's when everything sort of went south. I got her all the way down the birth canal and then she got stuck. She was face up. We got her turned halfway, and then her shoulders got stuck, and she would not budge. I could see his face--he knew how much I did not want a c-section--and I could see that he was trying not to look worried or frustrated. The epidural had worn off, and by this time I was sick again, feverish, and feeling faint. He said I could continue pushing, but that we could work on this for two hours, but that it wasn't going to do anything but wear me out. So they prepped the ER, and about 30 minutes later, I was being wheeled off to the c-section.

That did not go as smoothly as it should have either. I learned from one of the nurses later that my delivery had really stressed the doc out. I could hear him on the other side of the curtain sighing in frustration and I could see him shaking his head. I puked again during the surgery. Magpie was wedged in there. I could feel the pressure, and it was a good 10 minutes at least that they worked on her. The J told me later (because I'm only just now able to see the incision) that the doctor was in up to his elbows; they had to lengthen the incision because she was so wedged in. And they had to push her back up the birth canal so they could get her head out. It was actually quite painful. Then the poor girl drew a huge breath as soon as she came out, so she aspirated some blood and they had to run her off to deep suction her lungs--which J did not tell me right away either. Baby girl had this giant bruise on her head from using the vacuum thing to turn her. She had to have blood drawn because her heart rate was elevated during the labor and delivery. She had jaundice so had to be under the UV lamp, which she HATED. And I was in the hospital 4 full days. I checked in at 11:00 or so on Thursday and didn't check out until about 3:00 pm on Sunday. I could have gone home on Saturday, but I opted to stay because of the pain and because I just couldn't even get out of the bed on my own yet. I couldn't even shower without help until Monday.

And then!! Our second night home we had to take the poor girl to the ER because she had an allergic reaction to something and didn't eat for nearly 7 hours and was covered in hives from her neck to her feet! She's fine now. She still has some bumps, but we think it might be either the pain medicine I'm taking, the antibiotics I'm taking, or both. I think I may have an allergy to one or both of them, too, because I have bumps in various places on my body as well. I was on Benadryl in the hospital because of the c-section anesthesia which made my entire body itch, so it very well may be that that masked any sort of reaction. I tried to get the medicine changed, but the doc and I missed each other on the phone, and there's only two to three days left, and I took some Benadryl this morning because I was all itchy and bumpy this morning, so we'll see. Her poor little overloaded system.

However, all of that being said, she is so perfect and beautiful and wonderful. And one of my favorite things about her is how much the J is in love with her. Oh my god. I can't handle it when he looks at her and gets all teary eyed. I can't stand to be in a different room from her. And I can't believe it's already been a week. Regardless of how traumatic everything has been, she is healthy, strong, expressive. She eats like a champ. I LOVE breastfeeding. She has the best little mouth and lips. Her puppy siblings love her and are protective of her. She's just so sweet. And you know, I loved the J with all my heart before this little one came, but like the Grinch, it's grown three sizes bigger since last Thursday. I didn't think I could love him more than I did, but my god. I can't get over either how much more in love with him I am either.

9.5 Months is a long time to be knocked up.

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's been a long, shitty week here. Not only is it hot as fuck (which I usually like the heat--I like to go out an run when it's 100 degrees, so in general, heat is fine), but I've been sick. And on top of being sick, whatever it was that invaded my sinuses and chest cavity and lungs triggered a series of asthma attacks! I've not had an asthma attack in TEN YEARS! TEN YEARS!! The OB had to call in an inhaler for me. My first inhaler in a decade. Wow. On top of that, I still have a cold, so even though the inhaler helped open the airways, the postnasal drip kept tickling my throat every time I laid down to try to sleep last night, which made me cough, which then triggered another asthma attack. Poor J is getting less sleep than I am because of this, and I feel bad that he has to work all day. In general I hate taking medicine as it is, but right now, I'm trying to be really careful about taking medicine, but my well-being is tied to the Magpie's well-being, so it does no one good for me to not sleep, for me to be hacking all night, and for me to have hurt my ribs from the violent coughing! Argh! I am a total hot mess here! I mean my ribs are so freaking sore that they hurt just to be touched. Since I've spent all week in bed, my blood pressure has skyrocketed. Granted, it's what would be "normal" for the average person, but it's really high for me, so since I've got the inhaler and I'm feeling better, and I'm freaking ready for the kid to get here, I will start walking daily. I've accomplished absolutely nothing this week because I've been sick, and I'm sure that's affected my blood pressure as well because I want to get things done, but I'm exhausted and can't breathe.

Seriously, my ribs have never ever hurt like this before. And I had forgotten how much asthma truly truly sucks.

Not that these things are predictable by any stretch of the word, but the doctor indicated yesterday that the possibility of the kid getting here next week is very real. However, if it's not here by my next doctor's appointment and everything looks good, then the doc threw out the possibility of inducing me late next Sunday night and having the kid on Monday the 24th. I did not hesitate with my "YES! Let's do that!" Now, before anyone freaks out about my choosing inducing over spontaneous labor, yes, I know there are lots of reasons not to induce and many many benefits of waiting for spontaneous labor, and I do truly hope that labor happens on its own before the 24th. But my doctor knows my fears, concerns, and anxieties, and while I've had problems with his office and that surly bitch nurse, if he gives the go ahead for it, then I do trust him. Labor doesn't bother me. Pain doesn't bother me. Discomfort, yes, I'll complain about that all day, but pain, I can handle. (and honestly, I know I've been complaining about my ribs, but I feel like anyone else would be sidelined. I mean, I know I've done some damage here). I've done lots of reading and considering, so I am confident that I'm making an informed decision here.

What I like least is uncertainty (says the woman who wouldn't find out the sex of the child). If I know that something will happen in 10 days, then I can plan, prepare, and relax, and that, ultimately is better for me, which I argue is better then for the kid. So, there it is. I feel good about this. Do I hope that this happens spontaneously before the 24th? Yes. But do I take comfort in knowing that something will happen by the 24th? Most certainly. And this is the most relaxed I've felt in 3 weeks.

The Good, the Bad, and the Very Uncomfortable

I am grumpies. I am large and uncomfortable. I thought I was uncomfortable last week, but I am more uncomfortable this week. I have many of the things that I want to read, but it's uncomfortable to sit and read. I like laying down right now. And I can't read while laying in bed. Last night I just could not get comfortable at all. I'm trying not to focus on my discomfort, but it's hard not to do.

I haven't gone grocery shopping in a long time. So my eating is pathetic right now, which feeds into my discomfort, and maybe the kid is mad at me. Part of the problem is that I'm starving and full all at the same time and nothing, I mean, NOTHING tastes good to me at all. And I still have 24 more days (at least) to go. And the cybercamp is going well, except that it's getting harder and harder to be comfortable sitting for two hours in auditorium chairs.

It's also hot. I like the heat, except I do not right now at all. There are things I want to get done, and while I was optimistic about a week ago regarding my energy levels, this week I am not.

Also, I find that I am becoming misanthropic here lately. If one more person tells me to "just hang in there" I will start hitting people. To put it in perspective, it's akin to telling someone on the job market that "surely something will turn up. just hang in there." No. That's not what I want to hear at this moment and it doesn't help.

And I splurged on a shellac manicure because it's supposed to last for two weeks without chipping, peeling, fading, whatever. That was Friday. By Monday two had chipped. Another chipped last night, and I was able to peel a fourth. It's not even been a week. I'm pissed.

Some Positives to balance out this Negativity:

The thing on the Divine Miss T's neck has gone away. There's like a dime sized little knot there now. Last Wednesday when I got home it was about three inches long and about an inch wide. Yay! I continue to be glad that our "no vet stress unless she's in distress" rule prevailed here and that I didn't totally overreact.

My haircut went well last week. Thankfully.

All baby clothes, bedding, blankets, nursing pads, etc. are washed.

Last night I had a dream that George Takei sent ninjas to my house to destroy to ensure that I went camping with him. It was crazy.

The Red Rocket has been extra cuddly lately because I think he knows he's about to become a middle child and won't be the baby anymore.

Today I will make myself get on the waiting list for daycare, buy the football season tickets (the J and my dad are so wanting season tickets, so I guess we're all going--it'll be fun), go to the grocery, and go through the cookbooks to find good freezable meals so that this weekend I can start stockpiling the freezer like I said I was going to start doing 2 weeks ago. I will do these things.

But first, I will walk the dogs.

Better!

FedEx found my package. The guy delivered it to the wrong address, which I suspected, but I didn't want to wander around my neighborhood knocking on doors asking if my package had accidentally been delivered to them. But FedEx found it. Quite quickly, too, I might add. I was impressed. I'll stop bad mouthing them behind closed doors.

I feel confident, too, that I've found a hairdresser here. She can do highlights/lowlights AND cut hair! She can cut my hair!! And I like her because she's not afraid of me. She has confidence in her abilities and knows that she knows what she's doing and that she's the expert. And I like that. And she can interpret what I want. So I think she'll do. Which is great. I mean, up until now, it's been fine just waiting until we go to Home City to my girl there, but now that the kid is on the way, I imagine our travels to and fro are not going to be as frequent, so I do need to find someone here who knows what she's doing because I'm vain.

Miss T's neck seems to be going down in the swelling category. Old girl does not seem to be in distress, so we're still monitoring her, but all seems fine with the old girl. Except the heat. I need to start walking her around the yard during the afternoons, but stubborn girl wants to walk, but I can tell the heat affects her. We're going to have to work on that.

Every single item of baby clothing/stuff with the exception of one large blanket is washed. Some tidying needs to be done, the co-sleeper assembled, and the car seat installed, but other than that, I feel like we're pretty well set here to receive the child--being parents? That's a different story. But I'm totally enamored with how cute those tiny little diapers are! Of course I know they're cute until they're full. Ha!

I think that end of pregnancy nesting thing has kicked in. I was wide awake until about midnight last night. I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep, but I'm wide awake and not tired today either.

So today, here's what I need to do:

• Mani/pedi--for sure. 
• Pick up some t-shirts I ordered from CrossFit that have been in for over a week.
• Grocery shop.
• Prep food.
• Vacuum.
• Change sheets.
• Get crib bedding set up.
• Stop by cell phone store to find out why my blue tooth doesn't work on my new phone.

I also need to get some good freezable paleo recipes that I can make and start stock piling food in the next week or so. Ideally, I'd like to have 3 months worth of paleo dinners in the freezer. That may be a lofty goal, but I'm going to do what I can. At least all the movies for the camp I'm doing next week are the same as the ones this week, so there's not much I need to do other than show up.

We're about 29 days from hatch date here. I guess this is the home stretch. 

And I think on that note, I'll have some breakfast, walk the mutts, get ready, and then get that mani/pedi first. Priorities, yo. 

pfffft.

Well, I'll start with all the things that are bothering me/have gone wrong in the last week, which most of it is probably me overreacting, but hormones are raging, I'm on this crazy sugar binge, and highly uncomfortable. But I've got to get it off my chest:

• My hair appointment last week was a mess and disappointing and I won't go back to her, although she's sweet and tried really hard, but I won't even go back to have her fix my hair for free. First of all, I arrived five minutes before my appointment. I sat there for 10 minutes before my presence was acknowledged. Then I was told she was running behind on a pedicure, and she was 30 minutes late. Generally not a big deal, but a HUGE deal to a very pregnant lady. Then she did my hair. Low-lights to blend the blonde. No. After sitting in the chair for an hour, there was no change in my hair color. So she did it again after she cut and styled it. Then she asked me about my haircut. I brought a picture. Not even close. "Do you like the cut blunt or something with an edge to it?" Me: "Edge. Do not cut it blunt. My hair doesn't work with a blunt cut." What did I get? A blunt bob with blunt layers. I was going to suck it up, but after a week, the color looks like dishwater, and for chin-length hair, it takes too long to do. I'm trying someone new today because the person who can cut hair (but isn't good at highlights) left the other salon. Sigh. We'll see.
• FedEx has claimed that they delivered my package; however, I have no package. Furthermore, the J was home at the time they claimed it was delivered, and he says he saw no truck, the dogs did not bark, and again, I have no package. FedEx is launching an "investigation." Nice.
• The Divine Miss T came home from the vet with a swollen neck. I thought perhaps just a reaction to getting vaccinated. It's never happened before, but she's old. But the swelling was huge by last night. Of course, I'm crying about a tumor, how I don't want her to die, how I want her to meet the baby, how she can't be sick. In other words, I was a total fucking mess last night. What it appears to be is just some sort of benign giant fluid filled cyst. She has a couple of these, not of this size, but I spent some time last night massaging her neck, and this reduced the swelling by 2/3. She has a slight swell this morning and a bit of a knot, but we decided that if massaging it makes it go down and it continues to decrease, then we'll hold off on the vet. Whatever it is is not affecting her. Her eating, drinking, and energy level is all the same as normal. She's not in distress. And massaging it apparently feels good. Even though she's old, I hesitate rushing her off to the vet because I feel like vet prodding is more traumatic if unnecessary than if we are rational about what's going on. I'm trying not to overreact. Our basic rule with the elderly one is that if she's not in distress then we don't want to stress her out with vet visits and tests and stuff. 
• I feel like shit. I just feel gross. My body just feels disgusting, and I feel like it hates me. I also feel like this somehow means that the kid is working on making its entrance. It could also be that since I've been traveling and eating not that well (well, not terrible except the last three days, but it's because I don't feel good so I'm eating comfort stuff), so what the hell do I know about this? I've never been through this. So we'll see if cleaning up the diet has any effect or if I still feel crappy. If I still feel crappy, I'll take it as a sign that I need to get things finalized here for the kid. However, my gut feeling is that Magpie will be here by week 38. It also feels like its getting ornery in there.

Okay, I guess I feel a bit better now after getting that off my chest. Now for the good things:

So much love for the Magpie this weekend! Though the vast majority of my family may in general be bat-shit crazy tea baggers (that's a whole other post), they are very very generous. We got a lot of good stuff this weekend. As a matter of fact, we've gotten so much stuff from our showers that we've only had to spend about $1200 out of pocket for kid related stuff (including diapers and stuff, but not including maternity clothes or my obnoxious chair). Which, I think for a first kid and for people who don't know what they're doing and who love to spend money without thinking, I feel like we've come off pretty good with only spending $1200 of our own money. And my parents said that they're going to reimburse us for the breast pump, so if they do (I'm not going to hound them for that), then that number goes down. I'd like to have some more bottles, but other than that, we don't need anything else. And while I told her she didn't need to, a friend is getting us the Moby wrap, which is too kind, but that's the last thing that we want that's not necessary but will be very very nice to have. 

The cybercamp started this week. It's not time consuming, and it's not like it pays a whole lot, but enough to be worth the effort to do it, and I actually enjoy it. I don't do much. But I just like being a part of it. It's a good gig.  It's starting to get uncomfortable sitting for two hours watching a movie every night, but it's cool. I can deal with it. It'll be even more uncomfortable next week, but it's fine. I'll live. 

Hahaha, I think the kid has hiccups. And it's moving around a lot this morning. I can see it through my robe and tank top. I imagine it's getting crowded in there.

So I suppose I'll eat and get on with my day here. Hair appointment, doctor's appointment, I need to finish the movie for tonight. Busy day. At least it's summer!

On Things and Other Things

Sometimes I get in a place where I compare myself to people who seem to be relatively successful but people whom I actually despise, and this makes me feel bad about myself. I don't know why I do this. It's usually during a time when I feel like I should be accomplishing something and perhaps need a kick in the butt to get going.

But still, it's stupid. And if being an ugly person is a means to success, then why do I want to see that kind of toxicity in my life? Meh. Anyway.

This is what I did yesterday: I blogged. I showered. I walked the dogs. I did some laundry. I did some dishes. I made lunch and reheated leftovers for dinner. I relaxed. I FBed. I responded to a student email and to a couple of summer work related emails*.  Also, I cleaned out my work email inbox. I sat in my obnoxiously comfortable chair (and ridiculously expensive chair) and watched the Magpie move around and stretch in my belly. And I read. And read. And read. And I watched Magpie kick the book off my stomach when it crowded the little ones feet. I am proud of myself actually for not having turned on the television until 6:45 pm last night. That's a big deal for me because I love t.v. I know, it's pathetic how much I love t.v. But I love t.v. Anyway, it's sad that I need to pat myself on the back for spending hours yesterday reading, but it felt good.

Also, I napped.

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a large baby girl. 8.6 lbs, 22.5 inches. And she was early. And when everyone found out it was a girl they were shocked since the general consensus seems to be boy. I have no inkling one way or the other. Oh, and the baby could talk, but it could only say either "I'm done burping" or "I need to be burped." And I couldn't figure out why I didn't bring any nursing shirts or bras to the hospital. All I had was "regular" clothes, and it was a real pain in the ass.

Yesterday the reason I was feeling all glad about myself for reading was because it was a book that I'm thinking about teaching in the winter. But it's totally a way to procrastinate and avoid the thing I actually need to be working on before the baby comes, but I'm congratulating myself at this point on doing something and thinking ahead.

Today I have some errands to run and some more clothes to wash and some packing for this weekend to do, and I need to consider eating some breakfast here, too. And the parents are coming in tonight. I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks now at this point, and I'm starting to get a little stiff and ornery here because of it, but I'm just tired right now. I know it's good for me, and I know I should do it, but honestly, right now, being on my obnoxiously comfortable chair all day is just so much more appealing and relaxing. But, next Tuesday, I will recommit myself for at least 2 more weeks and then probably not do too much heading into the last three weeks before hatch date here.

Right now, I am very hungry. So I will eat and perhaps run my errands early while I'm not totally wiped the *f* out. I'm just happy that it finally feels like summer around here, that I've finally chilled the *f* out (although I wish I could have more sleep in until after 8:30 am days around here and not 6:30 am days). My brain is finally in "I'm not teaching mode" thankfully. And it feels good to finally be in that space.




*I'm doing this camp this again this summer which really just involves me spending a couple of hours about 3-4 nights a week introducing a movie to HS kids and watching the movie with them and making a nice chunk of change for what amounts to be about 30 hours of work total over two weeks. That little works pays about as much as a month's worth of summer comp teaching. I'll complain still I'm sure, but it's relatively easy, not very time consuming, and the extra money coming in at the end of June when I don't get a paycheck will be worth this. And I'll be done by June 6th.

Today it feels like summer break.

Now that I've finally gotten some rest and slept in past 6:30 am and went out last night on a "school night" with no consequences to me (poor J still had to get up at 5:30 to go to work), and  I am actually thinking a bit more clearly for the first time in months, I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, and I feel like there might actually be opportunity for me to relax and get things done that I might want to do. Of course this is all easier said than done, but for right now, it's nice to feel positive.

The last three weeks have been a bit trying. I've actually been quite depressed; however, before anyone begins to worry, I know this is a result of stress and poor diet. Not that my diet has been terrible, but gluten really does affect my mental state. Plus, add that to the stress of the end of the quarter, hormones raging out of control, a fetus who seems to be in constant movement, and to be quite honest, I'm surprised I've been as sane as I have. Fortunately, I've finally gotten some rest; summer finally feels like it's here, so perhaps I can get my stuff together and relax.

There are some things that I've been thinking about though the last couple of days. One, I have too much stuff. I wish I were better at not having stuff, at not accumulating stuff, or at least getting rid of things as I get new things. This has nothing to do with baby things. It's my stuff. But, part of the problem, at least with regarding my closet and wardrobe, which seriously needs to be scaled down, is that that is not anything I can do until after the baby comes because as I have all manner of sizes of clothes in my closet, I'm sure I will need a variety of sizes until my body finds some sort of stasis postpartum. Also, I should go through my books for donation. And our DVDs. We have lots of duplicates. And part of that clutter is paying off old debts finally so that maybe next year we can have a house of our own (provided we get the one in Home City sold).

The one thing I'm not worried about is whether I'll be a good mom. I know I'm going to be a worried neurotic mom, because of how I am with the Divine Miss T, and because when I was folding baby clothes on Monday I started crying about how the kid was going to grow up and go off to college and leave me, and the kid's not even done baking yet. I've made my peace with this, and I know that the J will balance out my craziness.

But here's the thing, oddly enough, that has been bothering me the last few days--I worry that I'm not intellectual enough (Oh, I'm smart enough, and I even maintain to my students that I'm brilliant and that I refuse to believe there are smarter people than I). So what will happen then when my brain turns to oatmeal with a newborn, infant, and then toddler? I mean, I set unrealistic goals for myself when I'm not with child and fully functioning, so WTF am I thinking now?? There are things that I need to be working on and want to be working on before the Magpie hatches, and I just wonder what I'll be able to accomplish. And I think maybe the thing that worries me more is that I won't want to do anything. Does that make sense? On the other hand, I worry that I might be selfish in wanting to insist that I maintain and carve out a space (like before) for my intellectual and my CrossFit pursuits.

I guess all of this stuff is natural to be thinking about though.

I think the other thing I might be worried about is where this blog is going to go.  Because I'm a total narcissist, I'm sure in part it will become "oh look at my baby!" blog, but I'm hoping that rather than a showcase for the Magpie and a place for whining, I hope that it will become a place to help me balance life, and as I do have things that need to get written this year (otherwise I *will* be behind schedule for tenure if I don't get the rest of my stuff finished this year), I'm hoping that it will become more about those ideas as well.

However, for now, I think I will just try to be present and not worry too much about the future, otherwise the summer will be over before I know it.