And the hits just keep on coming...

Magpie has hand, foot, and mouth disease, I think I told you. It is the suck. Seriously. She is/was on the upswing from that though. It was running its course, but she has been so freaking miserable just about this entire trip.

Tuesday, her fever returned. And then she stopped drinking. Not totally. I think I mentioned that the other day, too. Only about 1/4 of what she normally drinks. Wednesday morning the ibuprofen hadn't brought the fever back down really, and she woke hot and dry. We ended up in the pediatric ER here. They were great; I'll give them that. She got a beautiful crocheted blanket and a really nice teddy bear. She also do a urinary catheter and a throat swab. The catheter sucked. Since there was no respiratory congestion or distress, her ears were clear, her throat is healing from HFM (but we did the strep swab to be on the safe side, which came back negative), the only other infection the doctor could think with her symptoms was a UTI. That came back negative, too. So, absent of bacterial infections, she has apparently picked up another virus. Fortunately she was only mildly dehydrated (not enough to cause concern at the moment), so we didn't have to stick her with an IV. She's had as much fluids in the last 24 hours as she's had in just about the last 2 days, so that's a grand improvement. She did not eat one bite of food yesterday, but ate a huge breakfast and her regular lunch. And going to sleep has gotten significantly less difficult. All things I consider to be amazing improvements. I wish she were drinking more, but she's been chugging water when she wakes up.

The one thing that really calms her right now, too, is being outside. Did I have room in the car for a stroller? No. Did I just now order one off Amazon and am having it shipped here tomorrow so that for the next 4 days I can make her more comfortable? I did. (And this is why it will take me forever to pay off my bills and whatnot, but that's another story). I figured this one folds up to about the width of my suitcase. I have all my clothes in compression bags. My clothes will just go under the seat or in the cargo in the trunk, and my parents will bring my suitcase back with them if need be. Will it make packing trickier? Indeed. Will it make the Magpie more comfortable for the next week and a half? Yes. And since nothing makes me feel like more of a failure as a mother than having a chronically sick baby that I can't comfort or help, then well, we will just have two strollers. One for traveling and out and about stuff, and one for jogging around the neighborhood and going to parks. Maybe that makes me ridiculous, and maybe it makes it clear that I still, after 14 months, have no idea what I'm doing yet.

In other news, the house in Home City? FINALLY ON THE MARKET! Yippee! And it's getting three showings this weekend! Hot damn! Fingers crossed that we're out from under that soon because oh my god, to have that money back which would be enough to cover our living expenses just for the summer. Oh to be out from under that house. J's ex-step mom, for all of her faults, is apparently one hell of a realtor, and it's not costing us anything to sell it, so yay.

This was supposed to be a nicer visit to the parents. We were supposed to go out and do things with the Magpie, but oh well. I didn't even need to pack 3/4 of the clothes I packed--I've been in my pjs pretty much the entire time I've been here. It's been too exhausting to even contemplate getting dressed for the day. At least I've been able to CF everyday since we've been here except yesterday and Sunday.

Anybody out there know how to boost a baby's immune system? She gets organic, grass fed meats, a decent variety of fruits and veggies, and we had started probiotics once she stopped the antibiotics, but since she's been on a bunch of medicine again, we haven't started them back up. Sigh. And you know, I can't help but to feel this is all my fault because I couldn't force her out and she ended up a c-section baby and then got hit with another whammy when I couldn't nurse her. This all just sort of reaffirms  the feelings of failure I've had since day one. Poor Magpie. I wish I could do better for you.

The Good, the Bad, and the Very Uncomfortable

I am grumpies. I am large and uncomfortable. I thought I was uncomfortable last week, but I am more uncomfortable this week. I have many of the things that I want to read, but it's uncomfortable to sit and read. I like laying down right now. And I can't read while laying in bed. Last night I just could not get comfortable at all. I'm trying not to focus on my discomfort, but it's hard not to do.

I haven't gone grocery shopping in a long time. So my eating is pathetic right now, which feeds into my discomfort, and maybe the kid is mad at me. Part of the problem is that I'm starving and full all at the same time and nothing, I mean, NOTHING tastes good to me at all. And I still have 24 more days (at least) to go. And the cybercamp is going well, except that it's getting harder and harder to be comfortable sitting for two hours in auditorium chairs.

It's also hot. I like the heat, except I do not right now at all. There are things I want to get done, and while I was optimistic about a week ago regarding my energy levels, this week I am not.

Also, I find that I am becoming misanthropic here lately. If one more person tells me to "just hang in there" I will start hitting people. To put it in perspective, it's akin to telling someone on the job market that "surely something will turn up. just hang in there." No. That's not what I want to hear at this moment and it doesn't help.

And I splurged on a shellac manicure because it's supposed to last for two weeks without chipping, peeling, fading, whatever. That was Friday. By Monday two had chipped. Another chipped last night, and I was able to peel a fourth. It's not even been a week. I'm pissed.

Some Positives to balance out this Negativity:

The thing on the Divine Miss T's neck has gone away. There's like a dime sized little knot there now. Last Wednesday when I got home it was about three inches long and about an inch wide. Yay! I continue to be glad that our "no vet stress unless she's in distress" rule prevailed here and that I didn't totally overreact.

My haircut went well last week. Thankfully.

All baby clothes, bedding, blankets, nursing pads, etc. are washed.

Last night I had a dream that George Takei sent ninjas to my house to destroy to ensure that I went camping with him. It was crazy.

The Red Rocket has been extra cuddly lately because I think he knows he's about to become a middle child and won't be the baby anymore.

Today I will make myself get on the waiting list for daycare, buy the football season tickets (the J and my dad are so wanting season tickets, so I guess we're all going--it'll be fun), go to the grocery, and go through the cookbooks to find good freezable meals so that this weekend I can start stockpiling the freezer like I said I was going to start doing 2 weeks ago. I will do these things.

But first, I will walk the dogs.

Better!

FedEx found my package. The guy delivered it to the wrong address, which I suspected, but I didn't want to wander around my neighborhood knocking on doors asking if my package had accidentally been delivered to them. But FedEx found it. Quite quickly, too, I might add. I was impressed. I'll stop bad mouthing them behind closed doors.

I feel confident, too, that I've found a hairdresser here. She can do highlights/lowlights AND cut hair! She can cut my hair!! And I like her because she's not afraid of me. She has confidence in her abilities and knows that she knows what she's doing and that she's the expert. And I like that. And she can interpret what I want. So I think she'll do. Which is great. I mean, up until now, it's been fine just waiting until we go to Home City to my girl there, but now that the kid is on the way, I imagine our travels to and fro are not going to be as frequent, so I do need to find someone here who knows what she's doing because I'm vain.

Miss T's neck seems to be going down in the swelling category. Old girl does not seem to be in distress, so we're still monitoring her, but all seems fine with the old girl. Except the heat. I need to start walking her around the yard during the afternoons, but stubborn girl wants to walk, but I can tell the heat affects her. We're going to have to work on that.

Every single item of baby clothing/stuff with the exception of one large blanket is washed. Some tidying needs to be done, the co-sleeper assembled, and the car seat installed, but other than that, I feel like we're pretty well set here to receive the child--being parents? That's a different story. But I'm totally enamored with how cute those tiny little diapers are! Of course I know they're cute until they're full. Ha!

I think that end of pregnancy nesting thing has kicked in. I was wide awake until about midnight last night. I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep, but I'm wide awake and not tired today either.

So today, here's what I need to do:

• Mani/pedi--for sure. 
• Pick up some t-shirts I ordered from CrossFit that have been in for over a week.
• Grocery shop.
• Prep food.
• Vacuum.
• Change sheets.
• Get crib bedding set up.
• Stop by cell phone store to find out why my blue tooth doesn't work on my new phone.

I also need to get some good freezable paleo recipes that I can make and start stock piling food in the next week or so. Ideally, I'd like to have 3 months worth of paleo dinners in the freezer. That may be a lofty goal, but I'm going to do what I can. At least all the movies for the camp I'm doing next week are the same as the ones this week, so there's not much I need to do other than show up.

We're about 29 days from hatch date here. I guess this is the home stretch. 

And I think on that note, I'll have some breakfast, walk the mutts, get ready, and then get that mani/pedi first. Priorities, yo. 

On Things and Other Things

Sometimes I get in a place where I compare myself to people who seem to be relatively successful but people whom I actually despise, and this makes me feel bad about myself. I don't know why I do this. It's usually during a time when I feel like I should be accomplishing something and perhaps need a kick in the butt to get going.

But still, it's stupid. And if being an ugly person is a means to success, then why do I want to see that kind of toxicity in my life? Meh. Anyway.

This is what I did yesterday: I blogged. I showered. I walked the dogs. I did some laundry. I did some dishes. I made lunch and reheated leftovers for dinner. I relaxed. I FBed. I responded to a student email and to a couple of summer work related emails*.  Also, I cleaned out my work email inbox. I sat in my obnoxiously comfortable chair (and ridiculously expensive chair) and watched the Magpie move around and stretch in my belly. And I read. And read. And read. And I watched Magpie kick the book off my stomach when it crowded the little ones feet. I am proud of myself actually for not having turned on the television until 6:45 pm last night. That's a big deal for me because I love t.v. I know, it's pathetic how much I love t.v. But I love t.v. Anyway, it's sad that I need to pat myself on the back for spending hours yesterday reading, but it felt good.

Also, I napped.

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a large baby girl. 8.6 lbs, 22.5 inches. And she was early. And when everyone found out it was a girl they were shocked since the general consensus seems to be boy. I have no inkling one way or the other. Oh, and the baby could talk, but it could only say either "I'm done burping" or "I need to be burped." And I couldn't figure out why I didn't bring any nursing shirts or bras to the hospital. All I had was "regular" clothes, and it was a real pain in the ass.

Yesterday the reason I was feeling all glad about myself for reading was because it was a book that I'm thinking about teaching in the winter. But it's totally a way to procrastinate and avoid the thing I actually need to be working on before the baby comes, but I'm congratulating myself at this point on doing something and thinking ahead.

Today I have some errands to run and some more clothes to wash and some packing for this weekend to do, and I need to consider eating some breakfast here, too. And the parents are coming in tonight. I haven't worked out in a couple of weeks now at this point, and I'm starting to get a little stiff and ornery here because of it, but I'm just tired right now. I know it's good for me, and I know I should do it, but honestly, right now, being on my obnoxiously comfortable chair all day is just so much more appealing and relaxing. But, next Tuesday, I will recommit myself for at least 2 more weeks and then probably not do too much heading into the last three weeks before hatch date here.

Right now, I am very hungry. So I will eat and perhaps run my errands early while I'm not totally wiped the *f* out. I'm just happy that it finally feels like summer around here, that I've finally chilled the *f* out (although I wish I could have more sleep in until after 8:30 am days around here and not 6:30 am days). My brain is finally in "I'm not teaching mode" thankfully. And it feels good to finally be in that space.




*I'm doing this camp this again this summer which really just involves me spending a couple of hours about 3-4 nights a week introducing a movie to HS kids and watching the movie with them and making a nice chunk of change for what amounts to be about 30 hours of work total over two weeks. That little works pays about as much as a month's worth of summer comp teaching. I'll complain still I'm sure, but it's relatively easy, not very time consuming, and the extra money coming in at the end of June when I don't get a paycheck will be worth this. And I'll be done by June 6th.

Today it feels like summer break.

Now that I've finally gotten some rest and slept in past 6:30 am and went out last night on a "school night" with no consequences to me (poor J still had to get up at 5:30 to go to work), and  I am actually thinking a bit more clearly for the first time in months, I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, and I feel like there might actually be opportunity for me to relax and get things done that I might want to do. Of course this is all easier said than done, but for right now, it's nice to feel positive.

The last three weeks have been a bit trying. I've actually been quite depressed; however, before anyone begins to worry, I know this is a result of stress and poor diet. Not that my diet has been terrible, but gluten really does affect my mental state. Plus, add that to the stress of the end of the quarter, hormones raging out of control, a fetus who seems to be in constant movement, and to be quite honest, I'm surprised I've been as sane as I have. Fortunately, I've finally gotten some rest; summer finally feels like it's here, so perhaps I can get my stuff together and relax.

There are some things that I've been thinking about though the last couple of days. One, I have too much stuff. I wish I were better at not having stuff, at not accumulating stuff, or at least getting rid of things as I get new things. This has nothing to do with baby things. It's my stuff. But, part of the problem, at least with regarding my closet and wardrobe, which seriously needs to be scaled down, is that that is not anything I can do until after the baby comes because as I have all manner of sizes of clothes in my closet, I'm sure I will need a variety of sizes until my body finds some sort of stasis postpartum. Also, I should go through my books for donation. And our DVDs. We have lots of duplicates. And part of that clutter is paying off old debts finally so that maybe next year we can have a house of our own (provided we get the one in Home City sold).

The one thing I'm not worried about is whether I'll be a good mom. I know I'm going to be a worried neurotic mom, because of how I am with the Divine Miss T, and because when I was folding baby clothes on Monday I started crying about how the kid was going to grow up and go off to college and leave me, and the kid's not even done baking yet. I've made my peace with this, and I know that the J will balance out my craziness.

But here's the thing, oddly enough, that has been bothering me the last few days--I worry that I'm not intellectual enough (Oh, I'm smart enough, and I even maintain to my students that I'm brilliant and that I refuse to believe there are smarter people than I). So what will happen then when my brain turns to oatmeal with a newborn, infant, and then toddler? I mean, I set unrealistic goals for myself when I'm not with child and fully functioning, so WTF am I thinking now?? There are things that I need to be working on and want to be working on before the Magpie hatches, and I just wonder what I'll be able to accomplish. And I think maybe the thing that worries me more is that I won't want to do anything. Does that make sense? On the other hand, I worry that I might be selfish in wanting to insist that I maintain and carve out a space (like before) for my intellectual and my CrossFit pursuits.

I guess all of this stuff is natural to be thinking about though.

I think the other thing I might be worried about is where this blog is going to go.  Because I'm a total narcissist, I'm sure in part it will become "oh look at my baby!" blog, but I'm hoping that rather than a showcase for the Magpie and a place for whining, I hope that it will become a place to help me balance life, and as I do have things that need to get written this year (otherwise I *will* be behind schedule for tenure if I don't get the rest of my stuff finished this year), I'm hoping that it will become more about those ideas as well.

However, for now, I think I will just try to be present and not worry too much about the future, otherwise the summer will be over before I know it.

I am a ridiculous human being, and this post proves it.

I feel like it's been a weird and exhausting week, folks.

First, I need my paycheck. I am thankful for the J's paycheck, but I'm used to the once a month thing that I can't budget or handle the every two weeks. I've had to stagger bills. I hate that. And then what seems like it should be a lot of money isn't, and in my head is always, "oh, we get more in two weeks." No. I need my check for the bills, and his to put away, and I need for things to get back to normal.

I am having some guilt and anxiety though this morning because yesterday was payday. I paid two bills bought a whole bunch of food, we entered a race that while obviously I knew how much the race was going to be, I for some reason did not see its impact in the budget for the next two weeks because we have a ton of food already and the bills are paid. And then I bought the J a whole bunch of stuff for his birthday. And I spent $30 (total) on two friends whose birthdays are both on Monday. Small things--a DVD and a book. Because I knew the J was getting paid, I got my hair done--more on that in a minute. And, did I tell you that last week I broke my phone? I spilled salsa on it and in a momentary lapse of judgment, I ran the damn thing under water to clean it! Holy dumbass Batman! I was going to preorder the iPhone 5 because when the 4 came out, I maintained that I was waiting for the 5. For three years now, I've been waiting for the 5. Now, I'm going to wait for the six. Ha! If I preordered it, it'd be at least 3 weeks before it arrived. Or I pay some $30 one time charge for the phone upgrade to the iPhone 5 in the store. And pay more for some LTE data plan (although the guy in the store told me nothing would have changed). This seems ridiculous to me. So, long story short, I spent 99 cents to get the plane Jane iPhone 4 upgrade, which is no different than the phone I had. And I was considering non-iPhones, but the dude said that since all my computers are Macs, I shouldn't switch to an android phone. Anyway, this all sounds really trite and stuff. I feel like a reverse hipster or something. Three years behind the curve and I'm totally retro. But the moral of the story is--I ended up with a brand new iPhone for less than one dollar. Of course the case I bought was $50 because I need the tough guy case because I drop my phone all the time, and I need this to last at least two years. Or until the networks all switch over to 4G.

Anyway, my point is that now we're back to broke again, living on fumes, and it's my fault! My hair color was twice what I thought it was going to be! I had never just gotten it colored without the cut the before, so I thought it'd be much cheaper. Um, no! Holy shit. The lighting in the place throws me off, too. I never like how the color looks in there. So when I left, I was disappointed because it didn't look dark enough and still pretty red, so I was going to go back today. But when I got home, it looks like a totally different color. And I know my hairdresser finds me difficult because I *always* am unsatisfied. But she's good. The fact that I keep going  back to her should tell her something, right? It's not her. It's me! Anyway, so I called her back to tell her that I was in fact crazy, and that now that I was home, I actually loved the color, and I could tell she was so annoyed. But whatever, she got a nice tip because I am difficult. I'm turning to my father it seems like.

Anyway, all of this makes me feel like a giant loser because I can't keep our finances in order. I hate being broke without a plan. And I hate having to wait. This shit ain't happening again when I start getting paid. (Man, September SUCKS!) I'm working on paying off our debt by Christmas, and getting a new bed, in addition to making sure we have enough money in savings to cover 6 months of expenses. I'm a grown ass woman. I need to act like one.

My survey classes have gone really well this week. I don't feel like the novel one has for various reasons. One, I've had them sit around the seminar table, which I think it too crowded. Two, I'm not very comfortable there either--I like to be mobile, moving, expressing my excitement over the text. I provide a good energy to the class when I'm mobile, and I haven't done that this week. Maybe if there were five of us it'd be different. But we're too crowded. Three, the text this week was one I've never taught. Four, I do so little with the first half of the century now that I'm rusty and out of my comfort zone here with this. And I feel like it totally shows. Five, I've been stressed out this week, and it's literally making me bloated, so my clothes have been tight this week which causes more anxiety and lack of confidence, and it's just totally escalated every insecurity this week. Add that to my now extremely poor planning skills, and well, there you go. I feel inadequate as a scholar and as a wife. Two things I'm supposed to be good at. And now I feel like I have to bide our time until the 28th when we both get paid and I can figure out what the hell is going here.

And I know, it sounds so trite because there are people out there in much worse positions than we are and I'm complaining about spending money on mud runs, phones, and hair. My point is that I just feel very unbalanced. I know my spending is a result of this and my inability to do basic math is a result of this. And that were I not so damn insecure, I could have waited to get my hair done later, but sadly, the fact of the matter is right now, when I feel ugly, the whole world is ugly and sadly, yes, it affects my ability to actually like budget and keep things running smoothly.

I did have a good day yesterday until the $ thing. And I got my abstract written, so there's that, too. I have a busy weekend ahead and a busy week again this week, too, so we'll see.

Seriously. I'm totally ridiculous right? I should be embarrassed by this post and by my inability to act like an adult at my age. In the dictionary under "clown" is my picture.