I am a ridiculous human being, and this post proves it.

I feel like it's been a weird and exhausting week, folks.

First, I need my paycheck. I am thankful for the J's paycheck, but I'm used to the once a month thing that I can't budget or handle the every two weeks. I've had to stagger bills. I hate that. And then what seems like it should be a lot of money isn't, and in my head is always, "oh, we get more in two weeks." No. I need my check for the bills, and his to put away, and I need for things to get back to normal.

I am having some guilt and anxiety though this morning because yesterday was payday. I paid two bills bought a whole bunch of food, we entered a race that while obviously I knew how much the race was going to be, I for some reason did not see its impact in the budget for the next two weeks because we have a ton of food already and the bills are paid. And then I bought the J a whole bunch of stuff for his birthday. And I spent $30 (total) on two friends whose birthdays are both on Monday. Small things--a DVD and a book. Because I knew the J was getting paid, I got my hair done--more on that in a minute. And, did I tell you that last week I broke my phone? I spilled salsa on it and in a momentary lapse of judgment, I ran the damn thing under water to clean it! Holy dumbass Batman! I was going to preorder the iPhone 5 because when the 4 came out, I maintained that I was waiting for the 5. For three years now, I've been waiting for the 5. Now, I'm going to wait for the six. Ha! If I preordered it, it'd be at least 3 weeks before it arrived. Or I pay some $30 one time charge for the phone upgrade to the iPhone 5 in the store. And pay more for some LTE data plan (although the guy in the store told me nothing would have changed). This seems ridiculous to me. So, long story short, I spent 99 cents to get the plane Jane iPhone 4 upgrade, which is no different than the phone I had. And I was considering non-iPhones, but the dude said that since all my computers are Macs, I shouldn't switch to an android phone. Anyway, this all sounds really trite and stuff. I feel like a reverse hipster or something. Three years behind the curve and I'm totally retro. But the moral of the story is--I ended up with a brand new iPhone for less than one dollar. Of course the case I bought was $50 because I need the tough guy case because I drop my phone all the time, and I need this to last at least two years. Or until the networks all switch over to 4G.

Anyway, my point is that now we're back to broke again, living on fumes, and it's my fault! My hair color was twice what I thought it was going to be! I had never just gotten it colored without the cut the before, so I thought it'd be much cheaper. Um, no! Holy shit. The lighting in the place throws me off, too. I never like how the color looks in there. So when I left, I was disappointed because it didn't look dark enough and still pretty red, so I was going to go back today. But when I got home, it looks like a totally different color. And I know my hairdresser finds me difficult because I *always* am unsatisfied. But she's good. The fact that I keep going  back to her should tell her something, right? It's not her. It's me! Anyway, so I called her back to tell her that I was in fact crazy, and that now that I was home, I actually loved the color, and I could tell she was so annoyed. But whatever, she got a nice tip because I am difficult. I'm turning to my father it seems like.

Anyway, all of this makes me feel like a giant loser because I can't keep our finances in order. I hate being broke without a plan. And I hate having to wait. This shit ain't happening again when I start getting paid. (Man, September SUCKS!) I'm working on paying off our debt by Christmas, and getting a new bed, in addition to making sure we have enough money in savings to cover 6 months of expenses. I'm a grown ass woman. I need to act like one.

My survey classes have gone really well this week. I don't feel like the novel one has for various reasons. One, I've had them sit around the seminar table, which I think it too crowded. Two, I'm not very comfortable there either--I like to be mobile, moving, expressing my excitement over the text. I provide a good energy to the class when I'm mobile, and I haven't done that this week. Maybe if there were five of us it'd be different. But we're too crowded. Three, the text this week was one I've never taught. Four, I do so little with the first half of the century now that I'm rusty and out of my comfort zone here with this. And I feel like it totally shows. Five, I've been stressed out this week, and it's literally making me bloated, so my clothes have been tight this week which causes more anxiety and lack of confidence, and it's just totally escalated every insecurity this week. Add that to my now extremely poor planning skills, and well, there you go. I feel inadequate as a scholar and as a wife. Two things I'm supposed to be good at. And now I feel like I have to bide our time until the 28th when we both get paid and I can figure out what the hell is going here.

And I know, it sounds so trite because there are people out there in much worse positions than we are and I'm complaining about spending money on mud runs, phones, and hair. My point is that I just feel very unbalanced. I know my spending is a result of this and my inability to do basic math is a result of this. And that were I not so damn insecure, I could have waited to get my hair done later, but sadly, the fact of the matter is right now, when I feel ugly, the whole world is ugly and sadly, yes, it affects my ability to actually like budget and keep things running smoothly.

I did have a good day yesterday until the $ thing. And I got my abstract written, so there's that, too. I have a busy weekend ahead and a busy week again this week, too, so we'll see.

Seriously. I'm totally ridiculous right? I should be embarrassed by this post and by my inability to act like an adult at my age. In the dictionary under "clown" is my picture.