Oh dear lord.
I don't think I'm handling it very well.
Things that are bothering me:
- My overall health. Okay, I'm actually quite a healthy person. I'm active, and I eat well for the most part. But there's the problem: "for the most part." What I have been discovering is that an almost perfect Paleo way of eating is what is best for my body--as you know, I'm a huge Paleo devotee because it's what's best for me. And what I'm finding, especially as I approach forty, and particularly after having the baby is that physically, emotionally, and psychologically I cannot handle an 80/20 plan. It's got to be near perfect. I think there are some real reasons for this:
- 1) my stress level with work and a toddler is out of control. Sugar and grains and soy in particular cause a downward spiral that I honestly just cannot handle. Moderation isn't key for me here. I seriously cannot handle it any more than an alcoholic can handle one drink. I know that sounds extreme, but it's true for me, at least at this moment in my life. The downward spiral is almost immediate. It affects my sleep which just further affects my mood and ability to get things done. I have a short temper. Things that shouldn't bother me, bother me in the extreme. I have to make a permanent shift here. Furthermore, Magpie cannot have any of those things either (and my god, how guilty do I feel eating like pizza in front of her! That's just mean!), so I shouldn't have them in the house as it is. It affects my hormones, which in turn affects my mood swings and my sleep, and I'm worried that the hormone disruption might actually be causing some reproductive issues. And I can't live like that. Who can? Plus, I think the mood swings and the lack of sleep are causing anxiety for the kid because she's picking up on my own discomfort. I think I also need to cut back on the caffeine, too. In short, my body just does not feel optimal right now, and I don't like that feeling at all. (Like today: headache and a stomachache. And I'm neither sick nor pregnant).
- I know this isn't going to change until I actually finish that first article and get it sent to my mentor, but even though I've been working steadily (though not enough), I just don't feel productive at all. There are little things I should be happy about--already consistently getting all the grading done the day it comes in and making more progress on the article in the last two weeks than the entire summer, but I need to actually get what's in my head down on paper. I spend a lot of time thinking. A lot. But you wouldn't know it by my lack of productivity. This is true for my on-line grad class as well. I was ahead. Now I'm behind because all the lectures are still in my head. I feel like the world is miles ahead of me, and I know that's the danger of comparing oneself to others--I won't measure up. But a large part of this is directly related to the issue above. I don't feel good, and it's hard to focus when you just feel like crap.
- This is going to sound so vain, but my hair is just, wow. I mean, the effect it has on my self esteem right now (which affects so many other things) is just mind boggling. I HATE what my hairdresser did the last time. I HATE IT. And now I will have to cut a significant amount off to get it to a point to where I don't feel bad about myself every time I look in the mirror. For real you guys. For the last six weeks I've been trying to come to terms with this. I don't feel like I look like myself. I don't like the way it makes me look. I just hate seeing myself. This, however, will be fixed Friday. I just have to hang on until then. I'm going to be pissed off about losing about three inches off my hair, but it has to be done.
- The clutter. Oh man the clutter. Part of it is because I have undertaken this huge decluttering project. I have found this, and it is indeed life changing. Holy crap it is. But it is a HUGE undertaking. It's like a six month process, at least. But the idea is that you never ever do it again. I believe it's true. What I've been able to implement works. Like seriously. And I'm the type of person who tidies up and cleans then two days later it doesn't look like I've done anything. Not so this time. It's just a matter of getting there. The clothes are taking a long time. Part of the motivation behind this undertaking is to make my life easier in the long run since we're dealing with a major environmental allergy for the kid. I know I can't control the issue once we leave the house, but I can do my best to make the house as comfortable as possible to keep her as well there as possible. Plus, I just have too much stuff anyway. And I despise the amount of time I spend cleaning and recleaning and organizing and reorganizing. I wish I had discovered this this summer rather than just a couple of weeks ago. And eventually we are going to move into our own house, and I'd rather not be going through stuff or packing stuff I don't need/want to go through later when we do move. Plus, it's just so much easier to have less to clean. I think this is related to my long struggle in trying to figure out what I want and what I want to make important and what I want to have time for. If I'm always cleaning and organizing, then that takes away from time I can spend with my family; it takes away from time I can spending reading and writing; it takes away time from myself. And I'm tired of wasting money on stuff; I'm tired of feeling like I'm trapped. But it's a little stressful because I just want to be done, and it's not something you can do quickly (I might could if the husband and kid and dog went away for two weeks and left me to myself, but I don't want that either!). Not to mention that my campus office needs some serious work, too!
So there's that. We're back to fear, feelings of inadequacy, lack of sleep; welcome to my pity party.
I think now though what I'm going to do is some work before I go teach again. I feel like that will make me feel better.
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