Since confession is good for the soul, I feel like I have to confess that I've been playing hooky from school. Yesterday, admittedly, I was sick, sorta. I had been up since 1:30am, totally stressed out, crying, massive headache, and completely unprepared for today's class. The Magpie is sick; the J was sick; Mom is sick. I've been sick, and I got nothing done this weekend because everyone else was sick, too. So I called in sick with the intent of finishing up work. Well, I worked. But I was still under the weather; Magpie was just, I don't know. No nap yesterday. Fussy. She hasn't been sleeping well. So I feel yesterday was legit.
Finally, Magpie slept and I got some sleep last night, but I'm still so very far behind. I don't think my dad approves, but I called in sick again today. I've still got a ton of reading and grading to do, and I need to cook for that matter, and dammit, I am going to work out today, finally. But yesterday was a real sick day, and today is a "mental health, I need to catch up day."
I feel less bad about this because Thanksgiving break was spent traveling and busy visiting family, which is nice, but exhausting. I think we can all agree on that no matter how much we love our family and how well we get along with them. Plus, I didn't get any sleep and started to come down with a cold.
What stresses me out even more is that Christmas break won't be a break for me either. I have an abstract, for which I've done no research, due on the 31st. I have a book review due on Jan. 15th. Not to mention that I've not done shit for the article that needs to be written and sent out this year. Oh, and now I have TWO BRAND NEW PREPS for Spring, including a new grad class. And a chronically sick baby on top of all of this. So I am feeling lots of stress.
On top of this is my desire to enjoy my baby's first Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year, and I'm really upset that I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. I wish I were. But alas, I can't bring myself to feel all Christmassy and cheery, and that saddens me even more.
But oh well. I have to make good use of my time and get to work here.
I know this might feel like One More Thing, but have you thought about getting screened for PPD? Or seeking counseling, PPD or no? A lot of your bad feelings seem to be situational (do not underestimate the despair brought on by sleeplessness! Bonaventure wasn't a good sleeper; he still sometimes isn't; and I know how terrible that can make one feel). But you've been struggling with unhappiness for so long, and maybe seeing a therapist would give you a chance to process what you're dealing with and/or provide a different way of seeing your situation.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I could be WAY off, since I know that your blog probably isn't representative of what you're thinking and feeling in your life as a whole. But I thought that it might be worth mentioning--especially the PPD angle. Hormones can really work a number on a person.
Heu, oh I think you are totally correct. I have felt that I've probably been suffering from PPD, and I promised the J that if once I got sleep if I was still feeling that way that I would go see someone about it. And honestly the only reason I put that condition on it is that, well, at least last quarter, Magpie had so many doctor's appointments of her own, there just wasn't time for me to have a doctor's appointment, and but if with sleep I don't feel better, then I'll make time for it. (That was an awfully constructed sentence).
ReplyDeleteHowever, even with the lack of sleep, if I don't feel any better after the holidays, I will go for sure, regardless of whether I'm sleeping or not.
I have been lurking forever and I wanted to say you have had a rough year or so, so I think a few mental health days are more than justified. I'm sure everyone at work got on without you. Be good to yourself!
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