Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Playing Hooky

Since confession is good for the soul, I feel like I have to confess that I've been playing hooky from school. Yesterday, admittedly, I was sick, sorta. I had been up since 1:30am, totally stressed out, crying, massive headache, and completely unprepared for today's class. The Magpie is sick; the J was sick; Mom is sick. I've been sick, and I got nothing done this weekend because everyone else was sick, too. So I called in sick with the intent of finishing up work. Well, I worked. But I was still under the weather; Magpie was just, I don't know. No nap yesterday. Fussy. She hasn't been sleeping well. So I feel yesterday was legit.

Finally, Magpie slept and I got some sleep last night, but I'm still so very far behind. I don't think my dad approves, but I called in sick again today. I've still got a ton of reading and grading to do, and I need to cook for that matter, and dammit, I am going to work out today, finally. But yesterday was a real sick day, and today is a "mental health, I need to catch up day."

I feel less bad about this because Thanksgiving break was spent traveling and busy visiting family, which is nice, but exhausting. I think we can all agree on that no matter how much we love our family and how well we get along with them. Plus, I didn't get any sleep and started to come down with a cold.

What stresses me out even more is that Christmas break won't be a break for me either. I have an abstract, for which I've done no research, due on the 31st. I have a book review due on Jan. 15th. Not to mention that I've not done shit for the article that needs to be written and sent out this year. Oh, and now I have TWO BRAND NEW PREPS for Spring, including a new grad class. And a chronically sick baby on top of all of this. So I am feeling lots of stress.

On top of this is my desire to enjoy my baby's first Christmas. This is my favorite time of the year, and I'm really upset that I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. I wish I were. But alas, I can't bring myself to feel all Christmassy and cheery, and that saddens me even more.

But oh well. I have to make good use of my time and get to work here.

Friday, December 13, 2013

I feel like my poor little blog has just become one big ball of me complaining and boo-hooing about how bad I perceive my life is.

In the grand scheme of things, I've got it pretty good. I really shouldn't complain at all.

However, on the micro level, I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, demoralized, and just totally depressed, which really bothers me because this is my favorite time of year.

I hate the quarter system. There. I said it. Initially I liked it, but I've changed my mind.

Yesterday I had a meeting from hell which last five freaking hours (it involved almost a dozen students in a serious honor code violation, and they've got some criminal charges they have to deal with, too), and I was gone from the Magpie for nine full hours, the longest I've ever been away from her, and around six, when I had been in the meeting for four hours already, I started to tear up and cry a little bit because it was the first night that I'd not been there for bedtime, and I was devastated. Apparently she had a really terrible day yesterday, and my parents think it was because she missed me, which is awfully sweet and wonderful, but totally heartbreaking. I've another meeting today and two Christmas parties to go to tonight, and I'm just done. Totally worn out. And not even totally over my cold yet either. Plus, Magpie has a double ear infection, and has yet to sleep through the night since returning from traveling. So we're going on our fourth week here of my not getting any sleep. It's distressing and demoralizing.

Not to mention that I've just been ho-hum since my birthday, thinking about my life, where I thought I'd be, what I thought that life would look like, and it's close, I suppose, but there are other things that I want to accomplish, and I just don't know how to do that, and maybe the issue is that all of this is just a temporary set back because I have a very high maintenance baby and I'm totally sleep deprived and that I just don't feel like I have any time for myself. I haven't worked out in almost a month, and my body hates me for it.

I should be working right now, but I need to carve a moment out for myself to clear my head. The last couple of mornings, when I should have been reading I've been journaling because I just need something for myself. Lately, every spare moment has been either attending to the baby or working. So it's wake, attend to baby, read/work, teach, work during office hours, home, attend to baby, work, attend to baby, dinner, work, sleep. I am just stressed to the hilt. And since I spent the first office hour Christmas shopping, and this hour blogging, I am looking at a rather long weekend, but I was looking at a long weekend anyway. I wish we were at the end of the semester rather than the beginning of the quarter. Sigh. I mean, not even coffee is cutting it this morning. My hands hurt. My back hurts. My neck hurts. And as much as I want to relax over Christmas Break, I just won't be able to. I have work that needs to be done, so I'm going to have to work every morning, and then hopefully spend the afternoons with the fam. It sucks. It makes me cry thinking about it.

And well, I guess that's it.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Birthday Blues

Generally my birthday is my favorite day of the year. And I have a big party, and it's lots of fun, but this year, I'm not feeling it. Maybe because I just feel like this year has been stressful and sort of crappy. And maybe I'm just down on myself because I can't figure out how to get my baby to sleep through the night and I can't figure out how to balance everything in my life and I can't figure out how to keep everyone healthy. If it's not ear infections, then it's a spider bite, then it's a cold going around the house, and nyquil haze and generally crappiness and a husband out of town or at drill and a sick dog. This month was supposed to be better than last month. The crappy quarter of Fall was supposed to yield a good quarter of Winter. But this does not seem to be the case.

And I am sad. There seems to be a lot of death right now, too. A friend's grandfather.  A kid I used to babysit for. My favorite movie star (I know, I know, totally shallow, but still). Nelson Mandela. A friend's colleague. My cousin, a combat vet, tried to commit suicide a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. Fortunately his wife knocked the gun out of his hand as he held it to his chin and he only damaged soft tissue. And fortunately it was *just* an attempted suicide and not the murder-suicide that often occurs in combat vet families. And it's a dreary day. There are just clouds everywhere.

I hope the baby's recent regression is due to being off schedule because of traveling and a growth spurt and frustration over trying to turn onto her stomach. I mean, she was sleeping from 6:30-4:30, regularly. We've not had that since we started traveling. Sigh. I figured it might be a week before she returns to "normal," but still. I haven't slept very well in over two weeks now.

I do really need to let go of the fact that the year did not turn out as planned. It has been much much harder to get over the c-section and breastfeeding issues than I had planned. And it is almost impossible to plan a research schedule around a baby like Magpie, even with help. And part of it is that when I'm home, I want to be with her. I don't want to work when she's awake. I hate being back at work full time already.

My classes are late this quarter--first one on MWF not until 11, and on TR I don't have to be in until 10. So I thought in theory that I could work at night after the Magpie went to bed. If our nights keep going like they have been, then that won't work.

I am just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have a new prep this quarter. I have a grad class in the spring I need to start prepping. I have an article that I need to research and write and an abstract and a book review. I'm still so far from so many of my goals. Look, I know I sound very "woe is me," but I'm just down, and down on my bday. Sigh. I need to just accept the way things are, deal with it, work with what I have, and just keep plugging along. Maybe things won't seem so rotten when I get some sleep and get over this cold.