Thursday, March 12, 2015

This is little more than bitching and moaning.

Well, it's the start of a new quarter and I'm in a bad mood.


Argh. Perhaps it's the weather. I wish I could snap out of this.

I'm just feeling like super down. The J is leaving for two weeks. It's spring quarter which means the clock is ticking. Yesterday I was fine, but the long Thursday for some reason set me off.

Seriously, 10 fucking office hours a week for a quarter system with semester hour classes is just way too much. The idea, I heard, is to "force" us to do our research in our office to ensure we are researching 10 hours a week, and to make ourselves available to students during those "research" hours. Um, no, I'm not my most productive in my office or when I'm supposed to be meeting with students. So in order to have any time for anything outside of class and office hours, I have a schedule that has me here from 8-2 every day or I have super long days with one day off during the week which isn't used for research because I have to do things like go to the grocery and food prep while the kid is at daycare so I don't spend my entire weekend doing chores and working and not seeing the kid or the husband. As it is, I get up at five in the morning to do my research and when I can, I work at night. But when I work at night, that means I don't get to see the husband. It was annoying before the kid came along because I could still do things at odd hours like go to the grocery later in the day or something, do food prep at night or in an afternoon, or I could work out in the afternoon or read/work at odd times. But now, that kind of flexibility doesn't exist, and that is very stressful with 10 fucking office hours. Ten fucking office hours sandwiched in between 2 hour long classes. The people I know who get things done stay up until like 2 am and get up 20 minutes before they have to teach. I wish that were my option.

I know. I should be happy to have a t-t job. And I did say at the start of the year that I was working on reframing my attitude, but it's a morning like this morning that's rushed and rainy and I don't feel good and whatever that make me just hate the world. I seriously don't know how people do it.

And I'm feeling the pressure of being behind my own deadline. I was supposed to have that article written by this point and be started on the conference paper/article. And I am not.

Other things annoying me:
1) The house is a mess. A total fucking mess. I have no room for anything AND I'm basically a hoarder so I am having a serious problem getting rid of things. I think it's borderline clinical or pathological or something. I seriously have a very hard time getting rid of anything. It is nearly physically and mentally impossible for me to do so.
2) It's hard to clean around the amount of stuff that I have.
3) I am really fucking depressed and I am not entirely sure why.
4) Depression and lack of sleep (despite working out like I do) has led to some weight gain which further depresses me more.
5) Because I'm depressed and have gained weight, my body is achy and hurts and I know it's all related and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to fix it.
6) I'm about to go to class all pissy, and it's the first day, and I hate doing that.
7) I feel like I'm bitching a lot lately and I totally and completely hate myself for it.
8) I apparently am directing a lot of bad energy toward myself.
9) No matter how much I do, or what I do, I can't seem to keep up with anything.
10) Nothing's coming up Milhouse, and I'm pissed about it.

But I'll end on some positive things:
1) Magpie is amazing. In the last week she has decided that she LOVES daycare and can't wait to go to school everyday.
2) She has a few more new words.
3) I love her smile.
4) I love even more when she runs up to me and throws herself into me when I get home.

Blerg. Thanks for listening.

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