I'm going to continue to air some grievances here. I am the only female in this camp. All of the guys have been invited out to whiskey night. Guys. That is, everyone but me. I'm a bit irked and feeling a bit shafted. I wouldn't have been able to go anyway; however, the invite would have been nice.

Even though it's only June 3rd, somehow I feel that the summer is already over. Ugh. As much as I love the money, I am feeling the pressure and anxiety of how much I'm not able to work on my own stuff this week and next week. Although, even though it didn't amount to much, I did get a little bit of reading done today during the camp (I will remember to bring my headphones tomorrow), but I have been able to work on getting some pictures and stuff uploaded to another online drive site and put some of the photos on another external drive (I am a HOARDER!) because I'm deathly afraid of deleting them and losing them, but my computer is so full that it is not functioning anymore!

Even though I just bought a new desktop, I now want a new laptop. I was looking at some touch screen laptops online earlier.

I think the desire for new things is tied to a desire to reinvent myself. I've not done so for a while. I feel like, and I believe I have spent a lot of the last two years or so blogging about how I feel like I'm in a rut. I have lots of ideas and stuff, but I have produced anything aside from conference papers since I got pregnant. I'm considerable unhappy still in my post-pregnancy body, and I really wish I weren't. And I just feel irrelevant, in my job, my life, to my friends. I know I'm not to my family, but I do sort of feel that way. I mean, I love, absolutely LOVE being a mom, and I would give my life for that child, and I wish I were a SAHM (although I only wish that so I could have the freedom to read and write most of the time--I'd still actually put her in part time day care), but I feel like for everyone around, that is all that I am. I feel like I am no longer seen as a scholar, professor, athlete, person. And maybe that's it. I think my students, upon learning that I'm a mom, somehow think less of my abilities (uh, they should think more--I created a human, a smart and funny one, too, and I still have a career!). Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe I just needed some sleep.

So I've had to also, this week, which has been an enormous time suck, but I think in the end has ended up being worth it, but I had to back up everything in multiple places on the laptop because it just sort of has ceased to function properly because I only had like 330 MB of free space left on it, and it seemed that the more that I deleted, the space available decreased with it, oddly. So I just wiped out the entire thing. Now it's like a brand new five year old mac air. It's kind of nice though. Nice and clean. It's almost like having a new computer. So I think I'm going to go buy a new thumb drive for this and the new pc at home to keep everything clean and organized.

But since I've not got this computer mess to deal with, now I don't know what to do with myself during camp. It is the last day. I could try to work/read or something, but maybe I'll just blog all day.

I've started so many posts the last few months and then have either not published them or deleted them or they're still floating around in draft form somewhere.

In part it's because I have a lot of gripes, and I just don't want to air them all publicly. But the alternative is that I've let them fester and stew and that's no good either.

Most of it is just personal and stupid stuff like: is the house ever going to sell? is the kid ever not going to be sick? how am I going to make it through the summer when everyone else seems to be relaxing? will I get my minivan this summer? will I be as productive as I hope this summer? how am I going to do everything? will I ever get these bills paid off? will we ever be able to buy a house here? do I want a house here? do I even have any mobility any more? are these 30 pounds ever going to come off? is it too late to have another kid or by the time I'm ready, will it be too late? do I seriously have to go on another diet? why can't I just go to bed at 8pm every night? why do I have to be so damn vain about my appearance? why can't I get rid of all this crap I have that I don't use and don't need and don't want?

These are the things that seriously keep me awake at night and basically shut me down for part of the day.

I'm back to my "life isn't fair!" bullshit, and I have a crappy attitude that I try to hide from my parents and husband and kid.

However, I know that part of this attitude and quite likely a large part of the weight issue is hormone related. I hate hormonal birth control. It does not work for me, but I'm willing to try things once. The IUD is supposed to be very low and localized. Not even a blip, supposedly, on the hormonal radar. Not for me. I gave it six months. After six months things seemed okay. Then, right on schedule at about 9 months, things just went bad. Weight gain (that won't budge, and that should budge. I am doing everything, and when I say everything, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to for my body to lose weight), major cramps, symptoms that mirrored an ectopic pregnancy and/or cysts, major depression and just a general "fuck you all" attitude. In short, the thing basically fucked up, and the doc said that it is not doing what it's supposed to, things are going on that shouldn't be, and well, at least he confirmed my suspicions rather than making me feel dumb. At one point it involved a 4.5 hour trip to the ER, which is never convenient but even less so the week before the end of the quarter and then another 3.5 hours of doctor's visits in the remainder of the week. Grrrrr. I'm fine, it turns out,  now that the thing is out, aside from the clock ticking on baby #2 (but so many other things have to happen first--Home City home sold and gone, bigger house here, tenure--I'm not having two kids and no job security or a house for that matter). That has me really stressed. We'll see now if the weight will budge now that my hormones should be leveling out a bit. And what also stresses me out is that you know, technically, I'm really not overweight. I'm in a healthy weight range, at the top of it, and I'm pretty stinking fit. But I am not comfortable at this weight. Societal pressures or not, but I don't like myself or the way I look at this weight. There are things that I can't do physically in my workouts because I'm at this weight. And while my legs are strong, it's not the best weight for my knees and for running. And I hate that I want to be thinner, but I do. But it's not just that. I want to feel better, to move better, and to not have baby weight still hanging around me. But I hate my vanity.

In any case, I feel enormous pressure now this summer to get things done. I've made a list. It seems like a doable list between now and October. I have deadlines set. I have some sense of what needs to be done and when. I've sort of got a game plan for how to get the things done. The hardest part for me though is the research and figuring out what I need. I've always been able to "get by" with my shitty research skills, but if I actually want to produce any sort of meaningful scholarship, I've got to actually do research. A little secret: I've never been to our university's library. Yeah. How am I even employed?

And this is all totally related. Obviously, when one feels better about oneself in any one area, then it's a bit easier to the other things to fall into place. Meditation helps. I need to start doing that again. Regularly.

I'm hopeful about what I can get done this summer. I'm also hopeful that I'll have the follow through I need, too. And perhaps I'll be organized enough in such a way that I can put more things on the blog to work through them or even just get to work.

I have a pretty good sense at the "what" that needs to be done this summer. The thing that I often struggle with is the "how." As fond as I am of making to do lists and having plans, I don't know if they ever really help with the "how." I'm not very good at putting together research plans. And that's what I've got to work on in the next couple of days here before "summer" camp starts next week.

What I need to work on today is the camp stuff. And I've got a good sense of that at least.

I also, right now, am setting myself up with constant reminders/motivational stuff (not like motivational but stuff to keep me motivated) so that I can stay on task.

I'm also trying to work on balance. Rather than just wholly immersing myself in research reading, I am actually taking the time to pleasure read, which is something that I just don't get to do.

I'm also trying to prioritize tasks. Rather than working on everything all at once, I'm working on trying to figure out what what should get done when so that I don't become overwhelmed thinking or acting like it all needs to get done NOW! But I also want to enjoy summer, too.

Ack, so much to figure out.

After a craptastic quarter, in all aspects of my life, not just academically, it has become clear that I need to do some revamping.

I hate making declarations like "I'm going to do this!" because public accountability doesn't do much for me, and the moment I declare something is a sure fire way for me not to accomplish something.

Right now, I'm feeling hopeful about the summer and what I can accomplish. I would say that not only is my plate full, but it's overflowing.

I'm a bit stressed. Personally, there's a lot of pressure, too. The house in Home City still hasn't sold, and we're kind of limbo with that. The birth control I was on did not do what it was supposed to do, which is rare, but happens. Instead, it just sort of went haywire. And then when I got really sick (five weeks nearly!) and was on steroids, that just blew everything out of proportion in my body. My hormones are whack, but on the mend. So that's a bit stressful, too.

Anyway, it just means I have a lot to accomplish between now and September.

After what I guess looked sort of like a meltdown on Thursday, I'm better. I think Thursdays are just super bad for me. They're a long day at the end of a long week. So maybe now that I recognize that, I can be better at handling them.

Things always look better on Mondays. I've got a probably long night ahead of me. Last night was long, too.

The Magpie has allergies on top of wicked sinus infection, which I think is worse than the last one, and tonsillitis on top of that. This last round of antibiotics, one to which she generally responds well has just done a number on her. Last night, she wouldn't go to sleep. Then she woke up at 3:30 this morning, which is extraordinarily unusual, as in NEVER happens, and it took her quite some time to settle down. That was rough. She hadn't settled down for her nap when I left to come to campus either. I think it's going to take some time for her to get used to the allergy medicine. And the antibiotics aren't agreeing with her at night time right now, so we're giving it to her a little sooner each day  (thankfully only two days left). But man, I feel for this kid. She is absolutely miserable.

Once I made the decision to let my focus be on my research this quarter and just do the necessary minimum to be effective and good at my job, I've felt much better. With the sick kid and a service obligation for the department this weekend and lack of sleep, I've not been able to get anything done since then, but knowing that that's the decision I've made has made me feel better. This stuff needs to get done, and get done soon. One article has got to be sent out before the quarter ends and the other one needs to be drafted. I can do this. I know I can.

So I must go teach now. And then my day is over from a work standpoint. I just hope this kid sleeps a bit better tonight. Poor baby.

I teach here in about 5 minutes.

Sort of like last quarter, I just cannot make myself care about this quarter at all.

Am I burned out? Does my schedule actually suck and perhaps it's not the best schedule? But I don't want to teach five days a week. Ugh. These office hours are killing me. I know I complain about that a lot, but damn. I could get so much more done not here.

TRs are just so rushed and I'm never ready to go when I need to and there's so much going on and ugh. I need to actually get things together on MW nights so that TR mornings aren't so heinous.

I need a sabbatical in which to get my work done; however, nothing like that is granted in this department. Every three years I think we get a one course course release in the spring, but then we get stuck with an upper division class or two preps including a comp class, so it's not like quarter is made easier with the course release. And we've still got to have 6-7 office hours. And I don't know when I'm due for one.

I'm starting to stress out because I did not get the stuff I wanted to get finished before spring quarter started, so as usual, I feel like I'm starting already behind, and it has me stressed.

And it's time to teach. More later...

And I'm done with the first class.

I really wish I knew what my problem is. Maybe I just need some sort of reset. I just feel totally dissatisfied with just about every aspect of my life--the only exception is the hubs and kid. But right now, I don't know. I don't look forward to being on campus at all. I'm sure it's just a rut, but I need to get motivated.

I just don't want to do anything related to teaching right now. What I want to do is just focus on research and writing, and maybe that is what I just need to do. Teaching isn't going to get me tenure. Research will. Maybe that's the solution to just put the focus there.

Maybe I should make that promise to myself--I hate to phrase it this way, but perhaps I need to do the minimum to effectively teach so that I can focus on my work because perhaps my lack of motivation is over some concern about tenure and some stress about it, and what I cannot do is shut down and not get tenure. I want things in the pipeline so that next year isn't ten times worse than this year and I'm frantically trying to get something done.

All right, so I'll force myself to work right now so I don't have to worry about it. I just don't feel like going to teach again in an hour. But I just don't give a shit.

Nice attitude right?

I need summertime.

This is little more than bitching and moaning.

Well, it's the start of a new quarter and I'm in a bad mood.

Again.

Argh. Perhaps it's the weather. I wish I could snap out of this.

I'm just feeling like super down. The J is leaving for two weeks. It's spring quarter which means the clock is ticking. Yesterday I was fine, but the long Thursday for some reason set me off.

Seriously, 10 fucking office hours a week for a quarter system with semester hour classes is just way too much. The idea, I heard, is to "force" us to do our research in our office to ensure we are researching 10 hours a week, and to make ourselves available to students during those "research" hours. Um, no, I'm not my most productive in my office or when I'm supposed to be meeting with students. So in order to have any time for anything outside of class and office hours, I have a schedule that has me here from 8-2 every day or I have super long days with one day off during the week which isn't used for research because I have to do things like go to the grocery and food prep while the kid is at daycare so I don't spend my entire weekend doing chores and working and not seeing the kid or the husband. As it is, I get up at five in the morning to do my research and when I can, I work at night. But when I work at night, that means I don't get to see the husband. It was annoying before the kid came along because I could still do things at odd hours like go to the grocery later in the day or something, do food prep at night or in an afternoon, or I could work out in the afternoon or read/work at odd times. But now, that kind of flexibility doesn't exist, and that is very stressful with 10 fucking office hours. Ten fucking office hours sandwiched in between 2 hour long classes. The people I know who get things done stay up until like 2 am and get up 20 minutes before they have to teach. I wish that were my option.

I know. I should be happy to have a t-t job. And I did say at the start of the year that I was working on reframing my attitude, but it's a morning like this morning that's rushed and rainy and I don't feel good and whatever that make me just hate the world. I seriously don't know how people do it.

And I'm feeling the pressure of being behind my own deadline. I was supposed to have that article written by this point and be started on the conference paper/article. And I am not.

Other things annoying me:
1) The house is a mess. A total fucking mess. I have no room for anything AND I'm basically a hoarder so I am having a serious problem getting rid of things. I think it's borderline clinical or pathological or something. I seriously have a very hard time getting rid of anything. It is nearly physically and mentally impossible for me to do so.
2) It's hard to clean around the amount of stuff that I have.
3) I am really fucking depressed and I am not entirely sure why.
4) Depression and lack of sleep (despite working out like I do) has led to some weight gain which further depresses me more.
5) Because I'm depressed and have gained weight, my body is achy and hurts and I know it's all related and I'm frustrated because I can't seem to fix it.
6) I'm about to go to class all pissy, and it's the first day, and I hate doing that.
7) I feel like I'm bitching a lot lately and I totally and completely hate myself for it.
8) I apparently am directing a lot of bad energy toward myself.
9) No matter how much I do, or what I do, I can't seem to keep up with anything.
10) Nothing's coming up Milhouse, and I'm pissed about it.

But I'll end on some positive things:
1) Magpie is amazing. In the last week she has decided that she LOVES daycare and can't wait to go to school everyday.
2) She has a few more new words.
3) I love her smile.
4) I love even more when she runs up to me and throws herself into me when I get home.

Blerg. Thanks for listening.