Oh man, I'm so freaking grumpy today. Argh.

First, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to eat breakfast.

Second, and again, I don't know how this happened, but I forgot to pack my snack. And I've got 4 hours of teaching in front of me.

I've been sick since Friday. Again. This time though it's like a sinus/cold/allergy thing.

The kid is still sick.

Allow me to rant about this. Obviously, it's fine that the pediatrician is on maternity leave. And good for her for being able to take three months. I'm jealous she gets that. But okay, you know, this wasn't like sudden. The office knew she was going to be gone. The other doctor knew she was going to be gone. I asked, "so when you go on maternity leave, will Magpie just see Dr. X?" Answer: yes. Okay, no big deal. Magpie has had a cough for 2-3 weeks now. And this intermittent diarrhea for almost two weeks now. But no fever. She puked the other day, but no fever. I call the pediatrician--look, no fever, but the kid is sick. There's something going on with her. I need an appointment. Answer: Uh, well, pediatrician had her baby so we're basically closed until the end of April. Dr. X isn't seeing kids without a fever over 6 mos of age. If you're worried, then just take her to Quick Care.

Me: Uh, no I don't want to take her to Quick Care. Answer: Well, that's really you're only option because Dr. X is filling in for three other practioners, so there really are no appointments available.

Me: sigh.

You know what pisses me off besides the obvious is that these people know Magpie's history. Until whatever she has is full blown, she doesn't get a fever, but I know when this kid is freaking sick, and I've only been wrong twice in her numerous times at the doctor (and we're probably at close to 100+ visits for illness in her short life time already), so I'm not some nervous mom who's like "oh no, my baby sneezed! Please it's ebola, I have to be seen!"

If it's just a lingering virus and there's nothing to be done but let it run its course, fine, but I think this warrants a dr. visit. So long story short (too late!), since her former pediatrician still doesn't have her new practice up yet, we are going somewhere new tomorrow morning and I will schlep all of her medical records I can get to the new doctor so she has some sense of the medical life of Magpie, and I don't get labeled as crazy nervous mother. I'm just so angry right now. I hope she's fine and it's nothing. But even though she's eating, her appetite is down and she's a bit fussy, which isn't her, and well, I am a nervous worrier, so hopefully it's nothing. Maybe she misses her grandparents. Maybe it's stress. I don't know.

I love that kid, though. I let her play hookey from school yesterday because I had the day off (and she puked on Tuesday), and I just wanted to hangout with her and have pajama time and story time and cuddle time and Magpie time.

Thanks for letting me vent. I guess I have to go teach now.

None of us had a good night last night. I was starving and stressed. Magpie was just out of sorts and had a major blowout in her sleep that I could smell as soon as I opened the door to turn off the fan and we had to wake her up and she was not happy at all! She's got a cough only during napping and nighttime and some sort of eczema flare up on her wrists. I didn't get the stuff prepped for the crock pot tonight so it's bacon and eggs for dinner. I've gotten my grading done for the day at least. I had a good workout this morning--I'm a bit beat from it, but it was good. It's been really good for my confidence to move up to the competitor level.

I do need to think more about my schedule here. But it actually won't be an issue until next winter, so I guess I don't really have to spend that much energy on it right now.

What I need to spend energy on is the article. I did get some research done toward it this morning, so that felt good, even though I went to bed stressed last night and didn't want to get up at all this morning to work, but I'm glad I did.

I miss my parents. I'm actually having a hard time adjusting to it, truth be told here. I mean, it's been good for us to have our time together, but the Mags is missing her grandparents. And honestly, I'm missing the help. The house is a mess. Last time I had it together, but this time, I don't know if it was just because J was gone this weekend too and life has been stressful, but ugh. I wish the house were in better shape.

Well, I'm going to spend some time reading and also writing about my goals--my plan for the article among other things and try to relax some before I go teach.

I guess I've got lots more to say today.

Grading for the day is done. I'm glad that I forced myself to do that, because as experience has taught me, who the hell knows what tomorrow is going to throw at me.

I even read a grad student's comp exam, too, which I did promise to have read by 4pm today anyway.

My office is hot, and it's making me want to sleep actually.

I'm trying to come up with some sort of plan of attack for what needs to get done and by when.

By my annual review, which I think is about in the next month, I need to get one article out, just out, and the second one needs to be drafted. That one needs to be out by the end of next quarter, and the third one needs to be drafted.

I feel stupidly optimistic about them. I have ideas. I have a conference paper. I know what I need to do to get it done, and I know what I can accomplish in the time I have. So tonight I need to get what I need to be working on organized so that when I wake up in the morning, I can get right to it.

Sometimes, and this is stupid I think, I feel like if I had a better computer, I'd accomplish more. But damn, I certainly don't have $2500 to drop on the computer that I want. And really, is it going to make me research and write better? Maybe after I get tenure and I have job security, then I'll splurge on a new computer. All I need to do is clean this one up. And my desktop. But it does make me feel deficient or something to have a computer that's four years old. Egads. In computer life, it's ancient. The other one is five years old and my previous laptop which is still kicking somewhat is 8 years old. That's just nuts man.

Anyway, there's stuff to be done. There's time to do it. It will get done. The one article will be written and sent out within the next four weeks, at the latest.

I'm sort of on autopilot from here on out for the quarter, so even though I'm very burned out and just sort of done, the benefit is being in the homestretch.

I think one thing that I need to do for myself is sit down one day and really articulate what it is I want and what I need to do to achieve these things.

Immediately, I will settle for a good dinner and some time alone with the hubs tonight and a good workout tomorrow morning.

I haven't talked about my workouts in a while I don't think. I wish I could drag my ass out of bed for the 5 am class one day a week so I could get in 4 days of CF, but right now it's 3 days CF, 2 days of running, so that's good. I've also moved up to the competitor's workouts. I did sign up for a competition, and I did feel like I was in a major rut with my working out, and the move up to the competitor's level is what I needed. I still have to modify some stuff and often scale the weights (but seriously, the guy I work out with often has to scale his weights, too, and he's a young, strong 20 year old). And most of the women have to scale the weights, too. It's tough. But I needed that extra push, and it's been good for me. I'm finally starting to feel better about myself in that arena again. Now if I really could just actually get that baby weight off, that would be so nice. I just have some nice clothes that I like and I'd like to wear again.

Well, it's almost time for me to go get the Magpie from daycare. My favorite part of the day--when I get to pick her up and spend the afternoon with her. I'll have to post a picture. That face of hers. God I love that kid.

So it's that point in the quarter where I'm over the quarter. I was out for a whole week with some sort of stomach flu that got worsened with food poisoning or something. Then I spent all last week every waking moment I had grading.

A former colleague's step-daughter committed suicide.

One of my uncle's died.

A colleague's father died.

My parents went home for two weeks.

The J had drill last weekend.

Magpie had diarrhea.

I'm caught up now, but damn, last week just effing sucked.

I have more grading to do right now, but I have to clear my brain first.

I'm in my office for about two hours, so I know I can get all the grading done and get it over with. But my office is really hot right now. It makes me want to take a nap instead of grading.

Since I'm all negative right now, here's some positive stuff:

I'm done with prep for the quarter so I can spend the next three weeks doing my research and writing and stuff.

The Magpie is a walking and jabbering little bundle of amazing adorableness that I cannot even comprehend. She is smart and funny and adorable and beautiful and just this amazing little creature that I'm astounded that we made her.

I'm trying very hard not to be fatalistic about the loss of contract on the house.

And one day I will get our current abode cleaned.

If I can make it through tomorrow, I will be golden.

My aunt and uncle are coming to visit this weekend, so that will be fun.

My proposal got accepted for the ALA, so that's good. Both the J and I enjoy going to that conference, and he's never been to Boston, so it'll be fun.

All right, I feel like I've cleared my head, so I'm going to knock out some grading now so that's not hanging over me in the morning.

So even with all my meditation (16 days in a row!) and working on my attitude adjustment, I had a little mini breakdown last night. Right now, I feel the world is against me.

Our house that we're selling? Yeah, the buyer backed out. Of course the bank has been dragging its feet since September. Oh, and two days after the buyer backed out, the bank approved the short sale.  But we have no buyer. I'm very stressed about this.

I missed all of last week due to some sort of stomach virus. It was awful. I was sure my boss was mad at me. It appears I'm not the only one who's been out though for a week. I feel a bit better, but I'm starting to feel the pressure here. Like two Mondays ago, I had a great day! And then, boom! Crappy news. Then illness. Plus, the Magpie had tonsillitis, too. But it's been a rough last two weeks. I held it together until last night.

I am overwhelmed now with grading that should have easily been finished two weeks ago--had there not been a sick kid. Sigh. Until I got sick, I was plowing right along here. Sigh.


So, I've finished lunch. I've got a ton to catch up on. I've met with students already, paid bills, answered emails. The grading. Ugh. It's just overwhelming.

I think right now my biggest fear is that I'm becoming *that* female colleague. The one who is often absent because of her kid (and really, I think the reason why I got as sick as I did, and why the J was only sick for two days, is because of stress and being overworked and my crappy back to back teaching on TR which has me going for 4 hours straight), and who is perceived as not doing her share. And it's true, I've often been late this quarter to my office hours, and I don't really dress up anymore because I'm always tired and I have to walk across campus to get to my TR classes. Maybe the quarter was set up to make me sick. And maybe I just needed a couple of days confined to bed not being a mom or wife or anything else. I'm so 19th century. I needed a "rest cure." Ha.

I've realized now because of that perception that I've got to really up my game. It doesn't matter that my colleague cancels classes to go get drunk for a weekend in a city 5 hours away. Colleague has a major publication. I do not. So I'm at a disadvantage because I can't balance my family and my work.

In the next day or two, hopefully, I should be done with the course prep for the quarter which will free up time for research for the last three weeks of the quarter. And next quarter my 400 level class will not be as strenuous. And I'll have a break between classes on TR. I can hold on until then.

I'm trying though. So, that being said, I'm going to knock out as much grading as I can in the next hour.

Hope you all are doing well.