Wednesday, June 10, 2015

I don't know what it is, but I am super duper depressed today. It really started yesterday, like I spent the whole day just trying not to break down and just cry uncontrollably in front of my colleagues. And even when I got home, I just didn't feel like I could break down. I have nothing about which to cry. And today I feel the same way. Just so much doom and gloom. Maybe it's because I'm tired and stressed. Maybe it's because I'm really jonesing to do my own work and not camp work. Maybe it's because I want to be outside, even though it's like a bajillion degrees outside, I'd still like to be out in the sun roasting. Maybe it's because I haven't seen my family a lot lately, and that's what I'm craving. 

I think I have a plan at least for balancing some stuff so that I can feel productive both in terms of my own work and in terms of the work I need to do for part II of the camp.

This afternoon will be devoted to Camp Part II work. I'll get anywhere from 2-3 hours to work on that. I think I can get a lot done. Then tonight while the kids are watching the movie, for the first hour, I will go to my office and work on my research and then try to get some more Camp Part II work done the second hour of the movie. I think if I do that today and tomorrow, I'll feel like I've got something accomplished. Then if I can get more Camp Part II work done Friday afternoon, I should be able to make some progress here on it. 

And maybe that is the root of the general malaise here. Not getting things done. I think for non camp weeks I will have a solid work schedule down. And I've got to get my other calendars set up so that I can have the deadlines right there so I can see the big physical picture of what needs to be done by when, and then I need to learn how to break the big task down into the smaller tasks so that I don't shut down from such giant undertakings and so I can see the progress with the smaller completed items chipping away at the larger ones. 

Before I had the kid, I had been pretty free from depression for a while. Especially with the changes in my diet. I think I'm still struggling a bit from some latent PPD, and it might not even actually be that, but definitely hormone related, and I feel like it probably will take another month maybe for my hormones to figure things back out. I don't think it's been a month yet since I took out the IUD, so that may be a large part of it, too. I think I've had some foods that have had traces of gluten and soy in them, so that's not helping--they're just building on an accumulation of that stuff that's in my body right now. And I'm doing my best with my time and resources with the camp this week, which I why I keep looking forward to next week, a week when I'll have time and that time will slow down a bit, too. I'll be able to get up, work out, see the kid, and then spend the day at home working, cooking, resting, etc. 

While I have a lot of academic and scholarly work to do this summer, I need to heal myself in many ways. I need some rest. I feel burned out from my life, from my career, from my exercise routine. I need to mix that up a bit. I feel like I can do the work I need to do if I am recovering at the same time. The stuff I want to write and work on feels more therapeutic than trying to do that and think about classes and everything else at the same time. I have a July 15th deadline for one article. It's totally doable, if I get serious next week about it, when I can focus on it solely and not have anything else to think about. I'll have time to menu plan and cook. Basically I'm hoping that for the next month I get to have the type of summer I envision having and get as much done as possible, taking a break for my sister's wedding and for Camp Part II, then spending another three weeks getting to work, getting the courses for the Fall ready, and then hopefully being able to take another 2 weeks off before the quarter starts again. 

That's the goal anyhow. We shall see.

No comments:

Post a Comment