I haven't blogged in a while, and I hate for my first post back to be filled with such negativity, but it will be. I hate to admit that I'm having an exceptionally rough time right now and that I'm filled with anger and spite and hatred, really, about just about everything.
I'm in a place right now where, for the first time since I've been here, I hate my job. I have become somewhat miserable, and I think it's affecting my work, which then you know everything is cyclical, and I go up for tenure in October (so I have 10 months to get everything done and I'm feeling the pressure, and I don't do well under pressure). And I haven't really bitched about my students here since I've been here, but I'm going to now.
Our latest batch of grad students suck. I mean horribly. One thing that bothered me was that not only did they complain about reading a novel a week (which I pretty much do in all of my upper division/grad classes), but the chair and the grad chair agreed! One novel a week for grad students taking one class is TOO MUCH! WTF?? I did less work for the on-line class than I did for the in person class, and they complained about the workload! A novel a week, a seminar paper that was only 15 pages, and four two page writing assignments that were UNRESEARCHED! One was creative, and a gimme! And a three page assignment that required a minimal amount of research. And everyone agreed across the board that the workload was pretty much unreasonable (though the professor whose course on which I modeled my on-line course did NOT get the same complaints). Curious. Hmmmm. This has left a sour taste in my mouth which a) I need to get over and b) move on from, but I'm just so I don't know. Not even angry really. I just feel totally betrayed by the students and my colleagues to be honest. Whatever.
Here's kind of the bitch of this--one of the students is someone who works out where I work out. Since this class has ended, I've noticed that people have been giving me the cold shoulder. I mean, how fucked up is that? This is what a small town is like. I mean seriously, fuck everyone.
I've been sick. I've been stressed out. And my colleagues now have taken my stress and not feeling well personally. This has me very stressed out since I go up for tenure next year. I feel like there's blood in the water, so to speak. My boss has suggested that I do damage control now, which is exhausting. So my office hours are now not designated for any sort of work for me. No, I have to use my office hours to go be social and do rounds (her words). I've also been told that my co-advisor for the honor society is taking all the credit for the work WE do. Look, I'm not good at politicking, and I'm not tolerant of bullshit either. I don't know how to promote myself without looking defensive or conniving. So I just feel sort of stuck. And a large, very large part of me wants to leave this place, and I feel like that attitude just oozes out despite my best efforts to hide how miserable I am right now.
On top of all of this, I have spent hours, days, weeks, and months cleaning and organizing and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. The house is an utter fucking pigsty. We were gone the whole of break, so jack shit got done. On top of that we all got sick--the other two are over their illnesses. Mine is still lingering. We've been to the doctor. I'm on a second round of antibiotics. I've gotten maybe four full nights of sleep in the last 2.5 weeks, which I know is contributing to this as well, and is probably keeping me from shaking what I have because this thing is keeping me awake.
I've been battling some serious depression here for the last six weeks or so, so that's not helping.
On top of all of this, there was an editorial board change for one of the projects I was working on, and they've pretty much have decided that they're not going to honor the contract that was in place before the change, but they'll think about it (it does not sound promising at all), so that puts even more pressure on me because that would have been out by the time I put my tenure portfolio together, so yeah.
I am, at this point, way behind on everything. I'm so far behind already this quarter that I'm not even sure that I'll be able to catch up. Seriously. And my schedule is now killing me. It was a great schedule when my parents were here and in charge of picking up and dropping off the kid at daycare. But now, no, this schedule no longer works for me, and this has upset my boss. Furthermore, it bothers her that I do not like to take a break between classes. I like to teach back to back. Just because she doesn't shouldn't fucking matter. I'm not some stupid little girl who is teaching her first quarter here. Ugh. Treat me like a fucking adult please. I am doing my best to balance my responsibilities at work with a toddler and trying my best to make sure I do not miss work and am not seen as "that" mother-colleague. So just leave me alone, please, and don't try to assume what's best for me and my family.
My new eyeglass prescription is making me sick, so I have to spend a whole day tomorrow dealing with that which will push me further behind.
Also, I hate, I mean HATE teaching on-line classes. Never again.
I will try to adjust my attitude. I promise. If I don't, it will very likely affect my job, so I've got to sincerely work on that.
That is all. That's quite enough negativity as it is.