Fight or Flight

I can't even believe I'm going to say this, but...

I totally forgot that I had the grading of a major assignment to do that is over a week overdue and which is critical to the students' final papers.

My brain is a total fog. I seriously am in survival mode at this point. I didn't want to be, but I am.

I am taking a break from that grading. I've gotten through six of 11 on-line. I have the hard copy of one of them which I will save for tomorrow or Tuesday's office hours.

The only thing I want to focus on is my research.

On top of all of this, our state (and you can probably figure out which one) is in the midst of a major economic crisis and there's talk of shutting down all public universities mid-semester.

For real.

Now, it probably won't happen. Most see it as a ploy for the state to accept the new governor's proposed tax hikes, but whatever. It's still a bit frightening. And even when they do pull something out of their asses on the eleventh hour, it could still have serious ramifications for my job. If they cut jobs, I honestly think the untenured faculty will go before the instructors because they teach more for less. Cutting me means they can pay two people with my salary which is better for them than cutting two people to pay for one salary.

I'm trying to look at this positively because all of the things that I would like to put in my tenure portfolio in fall quarter are all things that will make me more marketable. And any search committee that sees where I'm from will probably understand why I would want to leave the year I go up from tenure.

My focus, from here on out, will have to be on my research.

One of the complicating factors may be some potential health issues (nothing serious), but the hope I'm hanging on to right now is that by the end of the week there will be an easy fix, I'll start getting some energy back and feeling better and it will help my productivity.

Right now I'm sort of in fight or flight mode.

It has become clear to me that regardless of what I do, there seems to be some dislike still lingering. I'm getting glares from my boss and the office assistant when they see me talking to certain colleagues (people who may be on my tenure committee by the way), so apparently I'm supposed to be social, but only with some people and not others. So I've just kind of decided that I'm going to do what's best for me if it alleviates my stress and helps me be productive because it's clear that whatever I do will piss off someone in charge regardless, and I'm a better person and professor when I can be myself. And at this point, it's not my teaching or my service that is going to make one damn bit of different in my tenure portfolio if I don't have those extra 16 pages to please people who haven't published a damn thing in 20 years and are skeptical of my publications because they're not familiar with the works. So, whatever.

I'm just annoyed with the whole thing.

And the more people tell me the tasks I have set ahead of me are too much or impossible, the harder I want to work on them. It got me through my dissertation (which no one thought I'd finish because I was getting slowly edged out of the program); it got me to my first job (which no one thought I'd get), and it got me a second better t-t job (which I was told to make the best of my first very shitty job because it was the best that someone like me was going to get, whatever "someone like me" means). I'm at my best I think when I'm my feisty self.

That's where I'm at.

So, we'll see. And come hell or high water, I will be done with these well past midterm (but only one week overdue) essays.

It's been a super long weekend already. I've gotten notes for 2/3 of the three remaining units for the on-line class uploaded. I've got some forums to post and whatnot. We've had our meetings for the content sessions for the summer camp that I do this weekend. I've been in front of the computer for the better part of the day since 5 am this morning. And I've got about a half day of this tomorrow, too. It's exhausting and a pain in the ass, but it will be worth it this summer when I'm not working on this stuff until 2 am.

I am just having some angry days though. I'm so disgusted and frustrated with myself. I feel like nothing I do is working for me at all.

Sigh.

Anyway, I'm tired of working. I want to go home now please. And I've still a superbowl party to go to later as well. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I feel like a giant asshole mostly lately

You know, I do feel somewhat bad about all the negativity I've been spewing forth about my job and my boss. I have to vent somewhere though. I wake up with headaches. I go to my workouts surly because even though I know the physical activity is good for me and will help with stress and headaches and whatnot, I still just think about all the things I need to be doing (even though, yes, self-care is an important one of those things), and I hear her voice in the back of my head criticizing me for working out rather than doing academic work.

There are two really sad things about all of this. One is that up until about 7 weeks ago, I was really enjoying my job. The second is that every morning I wake up enthusiastic really about the work that I'm doing and the stuff that I have planned, and then by about 8:30 I become completely demoralized and I want to crawl back into bed and just forget about everything. And I don't want it to be that way.

I feel bad, mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I have a short fuse, too, right now and that's not really me. It's just so argh! I mean, it's shitty to just feel like this all of the time lately.

Anyway, the husband will be home for 10 days, which is crazy amazing and wonderful. I only have to work one day next week, which is nice. I'm hoping I get some rest over our little break and some work done, so maybe by Tuesday I won't be feeling like such an asshole anymore.

How my job is currently making me feel.

How I feel when my boss comes into my office to give me advice about productivity:

How I feel when I have to ask my boss a "yes" or "no" question, in which I am the Judge:

http://www.reelz.com/trailer-clips/49396/my-cousin-vinny-clip/


And what is currently my theme song:

The Small Things

To add to the litany of grievances--the small ones are starting to add up.

Yesterday, I asked the office assistant to forward an email to all the faculty, which she regularly does. It took her 4 hours, yes FOUR hours to forward the email which was 15 minutes before the end of the day, well after everyone had left, and well after many people would have been able to purchase tickets from me for the honor society event.

Today? Colleague sends and email to be forwarded. She does so 10 minutes--TEN FUCKING MINUTES after he sends her the email, an email which did NOT contain time sensitive information.

Am I being too bitchy? it's just hard to ignore this stuff given everything else.

I have found that in my current state and given how far behind I am in my classes (regarding grading), I hate to admit that I'm being a very generous grader. I wouldn't call my grades inflated really (and maybe they are this quarter, but whatever), but here's why. My boss has created so much stress for me right now that I can neither deal with grade hagglers nor can I have them going to her office to complain. Any little negative thing and it's just a ding against me, especially with the online class.

I suppose I will have happy students. And perhaps I'm not serving them as well as I should be, but I seriously blame my boss for making my life so shitty right now that I'm in full survival mode with my classes. I just have to get through and get through decently and get good reviews.

That makes me feel like a giant ass loser, to be honest, to have to think this way. And I'm trying to be great at my job, but how can one be great amidst hostilities? I'm trying. I won't let my students suffer. Rather, I like to think that their self confidence is getting a nudge that many of them might need right now. They seem depressed anyway.

Our Title IX/diversity officer works for the president--this person is also his secretary. I don't feel like I could even go to her and ask her advice without it coming back to me.

My colleague who was hired at the same time I was just had his talk with our boss. Our meetings were dramatically different--he was not told to show up at every single thing (I actually attend MORE college and university functions than he does, just fyi). He was not told to smile more, and nor was he told that people are watching how often he's sick (and there are quarters where he has missed significantly more classes than I have).

I know much of this is related to his having all of his pubs in print currently and meeting the minimum requirement for scholarship. I have not, yet.

My drinks with my colleague was very enlightening on many levels. One, I have a better sense of where I stand. Two, we cleared the air about some things, because I need as many allies as I can get at this point, and my boss has created such an environment for me that I have no idea who I can trust, which only makes me paranoid and only hurts me. I am trying to keep everything out in the open here.

My colleague suggested that I meet with the Dean to a) kiss ass and politic and make it clear that yes, I love it here, yes I want tenure, yes my grad class was a disaster and here's why, and b) ask him what his sense of where I stand is and kiss his ass by asking for his advice. Yay, so basically, I let him stare at my boobs for about 45 minutes, stroke his ego, and maybe it helps me. I know that's a cynical way to look at it, but it might not hurt (as Heu Mihi had already suggested talking to the dean).

The other thing I might consider looking into is about a tenure deferment based on Magpie's volume of illness over the last nearly three years. The only thing that concerns me at this point about that is that I wonder if it will further justify those concerns that I can't Mom and Academic at the same time, that even if that extra year means I have everything in print that exceeds the minimum requirement, it won't matter? What are your thoughts on that my peeps? I mean, it might be worth looking into, not that that means I have to act upon it.

I guess for me this depends on what I can get done in the next two months. I don't think what I want to do is impossible at all, but very challenging and will require me to dedicate myself in ways that I haven't in a while and will also mean a lot of sacrifice at this point.

So I wrote that days ago, and just never hit publish.

I guess I will continue. As fucked up as this is, it is actually a relief to know that I'm not paranoid and that m fears are justified in that I *am* being treated differently than my colleagues. I also spoke with the person who has a schedule that I want and asked said person if the schedule was punishment, if he asked for it, how he got it. He was offered two choices in which the chair was trying to accommodate him and his hour commute, and offered him the back to back to back because the chair thought it would be a good schedule so my colleague wouldn't have to make his commute five days a week. Not once did she say, "This is a lot of teaching in a row. I don't recommend that at all." No, to him it was presented as a good idea to help him maximize his day.

When I asked for it, this is what I got: "No no. You don't want to teach three classes in a row. No, when are you going to be able to figure out when to eat lunch? You need to have a break between classes. You won't be able to handle that [I teach four straight hours in a row now]. I don't think it's wise to have a schedule like that."

So either she does think it's a bad idea and she was trying to punish colleague without him thinking it was punishment, or she thinks that I'm too weak and not smart enough to figure out how to pee and eat in between classes and that I'm too fragile to teach 3:45 in a row.

I see where I stand.

My goal for this week is to get the online class stuff finished up for the quarter so all I have to do is moderate the forums and grade their assignments. I want everything done. I plan on finishing up a couple of books this weekend, too for the other class. Fortunately some of what I need to work on will benefit the class next quarter. But I need to get a writing/research schedule, plan, and deadlines set for from next Monday to Memorial Day. As I think I mentioned above, I have a lot to do. I'm exhausted thinking about it; however, my parents are in, thankfully, and that has helped with my stress level a lot. I'm able to work out. I don't have to worry about meals. My mom's been cooking and keeping up with the laundry. So that's been a big help. I still can't seem to get caught up on my work, but it's getting better at least I think.

Nevertheless though, I am disgruntled. But that shouldn't hinder me from getting my work done. Sigh.