I want to suck less at life.

I've started and stopped several posts the last couple of weeks.

I think my midlife crisis is indeed in full force. Or maybe not. I feel like this post might be a bunch of rambling and contradictory stuff, so bear with me if you're going to venture any further.

I have actually figured out a few things that are "wrong" with me, i.e., the things making me grumpy. My eyes are bad. Or, rather, my prescription is bad and it is making me super duper grumpilicious. I went to the eye doctor this morning. I got new glasses, new lenses, new contacts, the whole shebang. The contacts are more comfortable, but still, I'd rather have my glasses if I'm going to be at the computer or reading all day or grading or whatnot; however, I've got 10 days to 2 weeks before I get the new lenses for my old glasses, and probably around three weeks for the new glasses. I was hoping to have something by Christmas, and maybe I'll luck out with the new glasses. But my head constantly hurts from my old prescription now. It also turns out that I now have an astigmatism is both eyes, also probably contributing to my headaches. And I have this delayed onset hypersensitivity in my eyes from contacts that causes this inflammation on my cornea. So one or two of my mascaras I need to throw out because a couple of brands irritate me more than others if I think about it. My eyes and my head just hurt all the time right now. I know this is a big, big part of it.

I may also be coming down with a cold or something. Magpie is sick, again, what else is new, poor kid. So I'm sure my stress level, lack of real good sleep, and overall hating of all the things is affecting my immune system right now.

The big culprit though, and we'll see at the end of 30 days if this is indeed what is causing a large part of my problems lately is gluten. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm paleo; I shouldn't be eating gluten or grains anyway. It's the holidays. I cheat. At first it was fine. All I noticed was bloating, easily fixed with a run. But what I've noticed in the last two years, and what seems to get worse every time I reintroduce it to my diet (whether because of holidays or celebrations or being in a situation with no other choices except not eating) is that I find that my depression returns. It had been a long time since I'd felt really depressed (PPD aside), and maybe it's the Mirena in part playing havoc with my hormones, but there are several studies that have found that one does not need to be a celiac to have a gluten problem and that depression is a major symptom of non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I can have it here and there, but the accumulation of it is what gets me, and I can never just have it "here and there"; it always snowballs into something more than occasionally after that. It is making me mean, angry, and just overall horrible. And then of course I beat myself up for it, declare myself unfit for everyone, and hate myself even more. All I want to do is cry. It's a horrible way to live. I know that sounds dramatic, but it truly is. I'm miserable. I don't have any other way to describe it. I know I've got to make some permanent changes here for my mental health. I hate yelling at everyone all the time. I feel mean and low. I feel like I'm on the verge of a crisis. I don't know how else to describe it.

The stress that I feel over this right now, too, is just hurting my body. I'm sore beyond the normal workout stiffness. And I've been phoning in my workouts, too, which in turn makes me feel worse about myself. Because I'm stressed and cortisol production is up, I've gotten really soft in the last month without gaining weight and still maintaining my regular workouts. My clothes are tight, and it's all bloat. Scale has not moved one bit, and I've been active. I've been trying to meditate as well, but I need to keep working on that.

There are some things I'm going to begin working on during the break. For this week, my goal is just to get my workouts in, eat Whole30 style, and try not to go ballistic on anyone, and get all my grading done. I want to finish the novel I'm teaching this week by tonight really and get the one for when we come back finished before break. I'm going to push myself this week so I can get ahead and not have to worry over break about that and so I can focus on other things. Over break I want to:

1. Try to meditate for 10 minutes every day. I have this great app that I don't use like I should, and I really want to make this a priority for my sake as well as for others.
2. Finish the pleasure reading book I started over Thanksgiving break. I read so little for pleasure, and I want to finish the book.
3. Not treat my family like crap while I work through my own shit.
4. Get rid of stuff. Finish the shredding. Make the bedroom and bathroom livable. 
5. Run.
6. Cook.
7. Not think about work or school or what I need to write/research for at least one week of the break, and more importantly, not feel bad about it during that week or the week following it, unless I truly feel like writing or working. But I won't force myself to do so for at least a week. 
8. Try to enjoy what's left of the holiday season. 
9. Sleep. 

Over the next 30 days I am going to start working on cutting back on my caffeine intake. It's going to be rough at first, but since I'm already plagued with headaches from my eyes, will I even notice a caffeine withdrawal headache? Right now I drink coffee compulsively. I don't ever just sit with my cup of coffee and enjoy it anymore. I drink it without savoring it, and I end up drinking coffee or spark throughout the day to get me through the day (also part of my problems lately, too, I believe).  My caffeine intake has been jacked the last six weeks, and that's probably a major issue with trying to get some hormone levels balanced. So I need to cut back when I'm able to sleep and nap and stuff. 

While I am still bitchy and horrible and mean to everyone right now, I feel at least that I have identified some things as problems and I know what to fix or what to work on to see if it "fixes" stuff. And you know I'm a big fan of having a plan for everything. 

I just really want to suck less at life in general, and right now I just feel like I suck totally and completely in every single aspect of it. 

In which I bitch and moan and verbalize a mid-life crisis.

Argh. I'm a bit disgruntled and annoyed. I think it's more hormonal than anything else, but I am finding myself perturbed at EVERYTHING. People on FB are annoying me with their racist bullshit. Actually, FB is just annoying me period.

The quarter started yesterday. I'm already annoyed and overwhelmed. My TR class are on the other side of campus. Not a big deal, but sorta. It's a giant PITA that I didn't want to have to deal with this quarter. Uh, I don't understand why there are the same amount of courses offered each quarter and suddenly there's no room in my building for me to teach in. Blerg. Whatevs.

Aside from hormones, I am also not dealing well at all with turning 39. I don't want to be 39. I don't want to be almost 40. I am totally having a midlife crisis. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. I'm still struggling with trying to be healthy and fit and do all the work I need to do. I get up at the crack of dawn to work and it's still not enough. Magpie is getting so bi. I hate that I can't quit my job, spend time with her, do freelance stuff or something and support my family. My life feels cluttered and impossible right now.

I know, woe is me. I've been complaining for months now. I think it stresses me out having more than 2 adults in the house. When it's me and J, I'm fine. Me and my mom, I'm fine. Me and dad, I'm fine. Any other combination that equals three adults and one baby, and well, I'm just stressed. I actually sort of hate my schedule, but I cannot envision any other schedule for myself that would not involve the kid being in daycare from 7:30 am until 4 pm every day of the week. 8:30 until 4 is too much I think. I hate it.

My head hurts. My body hurts. I thought I'd get some stuff done over break, but surprise, the baby was sick and not in day care for the whole break. We did get tubes on Tuesday, so hopefully this will be a new start for her. I have so much to do.

Seriously, the last two months have been me dreading Saturday (my birthday) and like crying daily about it. And consuming chocolate. Like crazy. And that's not me. I am totally and utterly depressed. Lethargic. Blah. I know all of the things I need to do to better, but I cannot bring myself to do any of them. Even my Christmas spirit has been dampened, and I'm like Clark Griswold when it comes to freaking Christmas. I start celebrating Nov. 1. And now I'm just like "whatever."

Sigh.

I know. This is pathetic. Ugh. I'm sorry I'm such a downer! This blows. I need to figure out how to get to where I want to be so I don't have another breakdown next year when I turn 40! Egads.

I'm sorry for being a debbie downer.

For the first time this quarter, a full three weeks before the quarter is over, I have actually finished the reading for the upper division class a day early. Generally I'm frantically trying to finish the reading up the day I'm teaching, and more often than not this quarter I've not even finished the reading for class. So that eliminates a bit of stress at this moment for me. I've still a ton of grading to do, but perhaps if I don't have a line of students outside my door tomorrow, I can get some work done.

I'm annoyed at the amount of students I've had today simply because many of them came 90 minutes before their paper was due. I think next quarter I will institute a "you cannot come see me the day the paper is due for feedback. It must be at least 24 hours before it's due" rule because yeah, seriously the "how do I turn this from a C to an A in 90 minutes" is getting old. And uh, you can't. One stu got snippy with me because ze wants an A, and I said "well, try bringing me the paper more than an hour before it's due and we can talk about the work that needs to be done." Stu: "I have a whole lot of other stuff to do and I can't write these papers until the day they're due." Me: "Well, if you want to do better, then organize your time better." Stu: "Yeah, but I have a lot of other stuff for my other (which I read as "more important") classes." Me: "So?" Stu: humph. Stu is a bit of a PITA anyway, but still. Whatever.

So perhaps I can head into finals a bit calmer than I have been the entirety of the quarter. We'll see. Off to teach stuff!

My grand plan this morning was to get up early and read before babycakes awoke. Uh, I hit the snooze three times. So nothing got done there. Then I thought I'd spend the whole afternoon grading and just knock that stuff out, but it's already 1:30, and well, I just don't want to. The grading will get done this weekend. I'll just do it tomorrow while babycakes is napping. I need to think about dinner tonight. I need to get the kitchen clean. I really just want to be lazy today.

Apparently there was a grad faculty meeting today. It got rescheduled, thankfully, but apparently I never got the email about it.

I guess I'll get stuff ready for dinner and then read for a bit. I'm glad the J is home this weekend. It will make things easier. And it will be nice to have a weekend of us all together, alone.

I am impossibly manic this week I feel like. Today, a better day. I was able to workout this morning, and the J was able to get Magpie fed and the morning went smoothly apparently while I did some CF. And I think that is the biggest difference today in my being overloaded with work and behind but not not freaking out, stressing out, and everything else about it. Rather, I feel sort of like, "well, it has to get done, it'll get done eventually. I can only get done what I can, and when the rest gets done, it gets done." Will there be disappointed students? I'm sure, yes. At least I'm back to feeling more in control today. I don't know. I stuffed my face full of chocolate yesterday, too.

On the to do list for today:

• Teach
• Grade as many mini research essays as possible by 1:30
• Finish prepping for afternoon class
• Breathe

It's likely that I will not be able to get through all that I need to in the next hour or so. I'm okay with that. I'll make some coffee, grade as much as I can, and then whatever. I like these days where I don't feel so freaking crazy so much better. 

Maybe I'm just having some sort of existential crisis or something lately.

I think part of the problem is that I've worked out twice since last Monday. It's affecting my mood. This morning I chose not to go in order to get some things done around the house before I came to campus. I feel like this was probably a mistake. My mood is awful. I feel awful. My body feels stiff and angry at me. Yeah, I got some stuff done, but it was not the massive overhaul I had been hoping for (I even dropped the kid off early too in order to try to knock out some stuff).

Have I succeeded in getting caught up?

Nope.

Am I cranky because of this?

Yep.

I think for my sanity and for my health, the working out needs to be a priority. Not going last week helped me get some stuff done, but it wasn't the magic bullet to life that I was looking for, nor did it make that much difference in what I got done by not going. Rather it's made me cranky and less productive. I think come hell or high water, that needs to be priority number one because if I take care of myself, I'm better at taking care of other things.

Priority 2: Sleep.
Priority 3: Research and Writing
Priority 4: School stuff.

what I have to seriously consider is what am I willing to compromise or sacrifice for the sake of getting things done. But it pisses me off that I have to think like that.

So, what do I do? Suck it up for the rest of the quarter, the last what, three weeks, and make it through? Do I put effort into things to make them worthwhile for the remainder of the quarter? Here I am still trying to find a rhythm of some sort, and I just can't make my life work right now. it seems like other people have their shit together, are able to fit in the things they want, but I am not functioning that way this quarter. I feel like I'm getting way less done this quarter than I have in the last year. I need to rethink my assignments I think for next quarter and make things easier on myself so that I can get things done in a timely manner and still have, oh I don't know, perhaps some time for myself? I'd like to read a book that I'm not teaching or using for research.

I'm just back to grumpy, moody, and pissy again at all the things I have to do that are in conflict with the things I want to do.

On a positive note, the pediatrician got our referral in to the ENT specialist for the Magpie and we have an appointment set up for November. This is great news because once she's not sick, then perhaps things will get easier and I'll settle down, and I can get things done. Honestly, I don't know how people with truly ill children function and take care of themselves. The cumulative affects of small issues is enough to drive me insane.

The parents come back next week. While it will be nice I suppose to return to my regular workout class and have someone to help cook and do laundry, it has been wonderful just having alone time with the J. And it's little things like being able to walk to the kitchen in the morning in my underwear to get a cup of coffee, not tripping over people, really, in short, just being alone.

Well, I will grade a bit before I have to go teach. Blerg.

So it turns out that I might have just needed some sleep. I slept in this morning, and by slept in I mean I got up at 6 am. I'm letting some of the prep slide just to maintain my sanity. I was exhausted last night so I didn't work, and I didn't get up early to work either. And i'm the better for it today, honestly. I got the dinner in the crock pot this morning, got the kid and myself to school on time today, and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep tonight hopefully. At least I'll have a good dinner. I honestly hate feeling like I'm blowing off work here, but I think it's more of a matter of triage really. My only goal for this quarter is to make it through the quarter. That's it and that's all. I will look forward to next quarter and to getting my research done--which the priority right now is working on that. And if I can get sleep, then I should be okay. Nothing seems quite as desperate when I've gotten a good night's sleep.

And the J cleaned and organized the kitchen yesterday. It was amazing. I just wish the kid were feeling better, but I can only do what I can do for her right now to keep her fed, comfy, and relatively happy. So I'll do a little bit of work and organization, and then teach at 2. That's all I got for now.