So it turns out that I might have just needed some sleep. I slept in this morning, and by slept in I mean I got up at 6 am. I'm letting some of the prep slide just to maintain my sanity. I was exhausted last night so I didn't work, and I didn't get up early to work either. And i'm the better for it today, honestly. I got the dinner in the crock pot this morning, got the kid and myself to school on time today, and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep tonight hopefully. At least I'll have a good dinner. I honestly hate feeling like I'm blowing off work here, but I think it's more of a matter of triage really. My only goal for this quarter is to make it through the quarter. That's it and that's all. I will look forward to next quarter and to getting my research done--which the priority right now is working on that. And if I can get sleep, then I should be okay. Nothing seems quite as desperate when I've gotten a good night's sleep.
And the J cleaned and organized the kitchen yesterday. It was amazing. I just wish the kid were feeling better, but I can only do what I can do for her right now to keep her fed, comfy, and relatively happy. So I'll do a little bit of work and organization, and then teach at 2. That's all I got for now.
I am pretty damn sure that no one has their shit together. Some people look that way, but it's a trick of the light. I've been freaking amazed at your ability to have a tenure-track (which means MORE than full-time with the crazy up and down schedule and the way it takes over our brains and also affects our anxiety levels re: tenure) job, a young child who gets sick a lot, AND working out with so much dedication. In the past two months, I've worked out once, maybe twice. (I also notice that I'm old enough or infirm enough to have my joints hurt after a pretty easy and enjoyable workout. I'm a bit worried about arthritis actually.) I kind of had a rhythm going there for the last few years (though it was a rhythm of putting out fires and always being way late on returning papers and never getting enough of my own stuff done and skimping on sleep and self-care and nearly always letting my precious plants down), but then we moved and now I'm at home more and struggling with how to ever get stuff done when Six Year Old insists on talking and interrupting me all the frigging time. No rhythm at all. Maybe there isn't enough time, energy, and brain-space to get everything done. (What do I mean? I mean that there's raw time and then there's that we can't be working all the time. We need down time regularly and sometimes I'm physically awake and unable to sleep but in no condition to work.) I know this is as panic-inducing as thinking that the problem is one's self. I wish I could offer you something that will make you feel better: a good audiobook listened to in the car (pleasure/delight, which makes things better), or checking out this cool website that says that in each day you really need to just figure out your three Most Important Things (MITs), which does give a feeling of control. (http://zenhabits.net/purpose-your-day-most-important-task/) But I realize you don't have time for that. Maybe a rhythm when your kid is sick is impossible. I know: a laugh! You need a laugh so that maybe then you'll be able to remind yourself how absurd it all is. Sending you big bear hugs! It gets better. At some point, Magpie will be older and maybe less apt to getting sick and you will be beyond tenure and able to focus on work without that in the back of your head. My experience was that the first five years of parenting were crazy.
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